My daughters dad just died of alcoholism
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England UK
Posts: 5
My daughters dad just died of alcoholism
On Monday we buried my daughters dad. He was 44, he died because he was an alcoholic. I met him when I was 18, we had one child, she's now 16. He's battled all the time I have known him, I have struggled all this time on my own without help from anyone. He got completely out of control 3 years ago, stealing from me and was drinking cider in the mornings I booked up courage and I ended the relationship. Although because I felt guilty I let him live with me for 6 months. In the end I had to tell him to go, it was effecting me too much. He moved out but I stayed close friends, more so for my daughter. I even took him to hospital app, included him in events and bought him shopping when he had no money. I then met my current partner, I told him everything from the start and he is very supportive. The thing is my ex was loved by everyone, he was the life ang soul, no one had a bad word to say about him, and he adored our daughter and she loved him so much. I supported him so much, fed him still and cared for him because 6 months after he left he turned yellow, I got him admitted to hospital and even bought him his pjs, took our daughter to see him etc. he was there for a month, he quit drinking although he was seriously ill, one more drink could kil him. Our 14 year old daughter became his carer from that moment, often staying with him. I helped as much as possible but I couldn't go back.
He started to get worse, his stomach needed draining all the time, he looked so bad, he lost so much weight within months he aged so bad, I could hardly bare to look at him if I'm honest. He told his family in April that he was terminal, we had to tell our 15 year old who doted on him, she had just started her GCSEs. I was heartbroken as as much as I tried to protect her. This time I couldnt, we had also just lost my nan and grandad within 3 weeks of each other and we had a traumatic time.
When she had her prom picture done with him, he couldn't even stand up, he sat on the bed, he was gutted that he couldn't wave her off.
I had some long conversations with him recently, I asked him if he regrets the past, all the drinking and he said no, he said I am me...I enjoyed my life, but I think he was lying...he hated people feeling sorry for him and if I think about it, if he had of regretted it I would feel bad for him. He did apologise tho, for all them arguments when he wanted a drink and would leave the house, I've had so many rows about him going out sometimes he'd go the shop and I wouldn't see him until the next day, a million different things too many to mention in one post. His family all live within a 5 mile radius, no one helped it's like when he was out of their sight he was out of mind.
When he died last week my daughter picked up his phone, he had a message on there off his mum, she had been buying him Bacardi, so had some of his friends, it seems most of his family knew he had started again and he wanted to hide it from me and my daughter. Because he knew it would break our hearts.
Our daughter is so sad, she's also angry with his family, they have all hid it from us, they didn't even go and check on him, my daughter had not heard from him in a couple of hours so we went to check on him, he didn't answer and his neighbours had not seen him from the night before which was usual as he lived in flats and they checked on him. We found him, we had to have the foor broken down, the neighbours broke it down using anything they could, spades, hammers etc, all the time my daughter could hear, I had to drag her outside as I didn't want how they found him to etched on her mind forever. He was dead. Maybe I should have left years ago, I grew up without my dad, and I didn't want this for my daughter, I could have protected her from having this close bond from all this heartache. I'm so sad, angry frustrated.
He started to get worse, his stomach needed draining all the time, he looked so bad, he lost so much weight within months he aged so bad, I could hardly bare to look at him if I'm honest. He told his family in April that he was terminal, we had to tell our 15 year old who doted on him, she had just started her GCSEs. I was heartbroken as as much as I tried to protect her. This time I couldnt, we had also just lost my nan and grandad within 3 weeks of each other and we had a traumatic time.
When she had her prom picture done with him, he couldn't even stand up, he sat on the bed, he was gutted that he couldn't wave her off.
I had some long conversations with him recently, I asked him if he regrets the past, all the drinking and he said no, he said I am me...I enjoyed my life, but I think he was lying...he hated people feeling sorry for him and if I think about it, if he had of regretted it I would feel bad for him. He did apologise tho, for all them arguments when he wanted a drink and would leave the house, I've had so many rows about him going out sometimes he'd go the shop and I wouldn't see him until the next day, a million different things too many to mention in one post. His family all live within a 5 mile radius, no one helped it's like when he was out of their sight he was out of mind.
When he died last week my daughter picked up his phone, he had a message on there off his mum, she had been buying him Bacardi, so had some of his friends, it seems most of his family knew he had started again and he wanted to hide it from me and my daughter. Because he knew it would break our hearts.
Our daughter is so sad, she's also angry with his family, they have all hid it from us, they didn't even go and check on him, my daughter had not heard from him in a couple of hours so we went to check on him, he didn't answer and his neighbours had not seen him from the night before which was usual as he lived in flats and they checked on him. We found him, we had to have the foor broken down, the neighbours broke it down using anything they could, spades, hammers etc, all the time my daughter could hear, I had to drag her outside as I didn't want how they found him to etched on her mind forever. He was dead. Maybe I should have left years ago, I grew up without my dad, and I didn't want this for my daughter, I could have protected her from having this close bond from all this heartache. I'm so sad, angry frustrated.
How completely unutterably awful, I feel so incredibly sad for you and your daughter reading this... you will find lots of help and support on here for family of alcoholics, speak with them, let them be of help...
Sending you lots of love and strength to get through this...
Sending you lots of love and strength to get through this...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England UK
Posts: 5
I am struggling so bad. Although I'm in a new relationship, I feel so much grief, I can't sleep. I feel so much guilt that I left, then that maybe I should have searched for more help, then I feel guilty for being so sad infront of my partner( who has been amazing) I wonder if I'd be able to do the same for him if this situation were the other way around.
I feel guilty that I can't protect my daughter, that I should have. That she shouldn't have been his main carer, although she so loving I couldnt have kept her away if I'd have tried. She's always been his carer if I think about it, looking back I remember hearing her little feet running along the landing at 6 years old, checking on her dad because he was drunk downstairs, I'd ask what she was doing and she was checking if the cooker was turned off, or the door was locked, even though I'd done this she still checked. Yesterday she told me that she used to sit at her window and try to wait for him to come in so she could rest and sleep, she also confessed that this past year when I have asked her to come out for a day trip or weekend away that she refused because what if she was out having fun and her dad would have died. I'm gutted,heartbroken what did I do to her, I should have took her away from this worry years ago, I thought I was doing the best thing for her because she loved him so much. I used to live him, over time he took that away with the way he treated me. I always cared tho, and I did love him in a different way, just not I love either him for about 10 years but I still stayed. Why? I really can't cope, and I don't know what to do
I feel guilty that I can't protect my daughter, that I should have. That she shouldn't have been his main carer, although she so loving I couldnt have kept her away if I'd have tried. She's always been his carer if I think about it, looking back I remember hearing her little feet running along the landing at 6 years old, checking on her dad because he was drunk downstairs, I'd ask what she was doing and she was checking if the cooker was turned off, or the door was locked, even though I'd done this she still checked. Yesterday she told me that she used to sit at her window and try to wait for him to come in so she could rest and sleep, she also confessed that this past year when I have asked her to come out for a day trip or weekend away that she refused because what if she was out having fun and her dad would have died. I'm gutted,heartbroken what did I do to her, I should have took her away from this worry years ago, I thought I was doing the best thing for her because she loved him so much. I used to live him, over time he took that away with the way he treated me. I always cared tho, and I did love him in a different way, just not I love either him for about 10 years but I still stayed. Why? I really can't cope, and I don't know what to do
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 109
Your is a story of incredible love in many ways. Your example has shown your daughter what loving and compassionate people do. You have given her the greatest gift a mother ever could. You let her love her father and she is broken hearted and grieving. In time she will heal but the loving relationship she had with her father will be a part of her forever. It has shaped the woman she will become in a good way. And if she is really lucky the woman she will grow to be will be a lot like her mom. I wouldn't wish away her experience. She is better because of it even if you can't see that right now. You and your daughter are unsung heros in her father's life.
I am so sorry, Lisa. Everything you and your daughter did, you did out of love so don't ever regret that.
He chose his path and sadly this is where it led, nothing you or your daughter did or did not do could change that.
Forgive yourselves or maybe your life for not turning out differently, release your regrets and embrace the memories of better days, better times and take comfort in knowing that he knew how much he was loved.
May you both, one day soon, find peace in knowing he suffers no more and rests peacefully in the arms of God.
Hugs
He chose his path and sadly this is where it led, nothing you or your daughter did or did not do could change that.
Forgive yourselves or maybe your life for not turning out differently, release your regrets and embrace the memories of better days, better times and take comfort in knowing that he knew how much he was loved.
May you both, one day soon, find peace in knowing he suffers no more and rests peacefully in the arms of God.
Hugs
I'm terribly sorry for all that you are suffering right now. You are a compassionate woman and there is no crime in that. In time you and your daughter will find healing. I will pray that good things can come from your life experiences. I understand the guilt that comes with having children with an alcoholic. It's a difficult burden to carry, but keep in mind that every decision you made was made with love. In her heart she will always know that. Praying for you and your daughter. You did everything you could. His illness was out of your control. May you and your daughter find peace.
I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the heartache which you and your daughter have endured. I can, actually imagine it, having grown up with alcoholic parents, but I did not have the close and loving aspect, and did not lose them as a young teen.
Please, get some help for your daughter. It sounds like she has suffered anxiety over this for a long, long time. That sort of anxiety does not simply go away, it affects how we feel for our whole lives.
This trauma which she has suffered needs addressed, and I hope that she will find peace, and counsel would help her in that, I think.
He is not suffering now, and that has to be a blessing. Wishing you peace, and comfort .
chicory
Please, get some help for your daughter. It sounds like she has suffered anxiety over this for a long, long time. That sort of anxiety does not simply go away, it affects how we feel for our whole lives.
This trauma which she has suffered needs addressed, and I hope that she will find peace, and counsel would help her in that, I think.
He is not suffering now, and that has to be a blessing. Wishing you peace, and comfort .
chicory
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Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
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I'm so sorry Lisa. Please know that you and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.
I have a daughter about the same age. They feel things so deeply. Please know that there are people out there who have been through what she's going through that can help her. She sounds wonderful. You do too. I'm glad you came to SR and shared with us. Your daughters dad was fortunate to have you both in his life. ((((hugs))))
I have a daughter about the same age. They feel things so deeply. Please know that there are people out there who have been through what she's going through that can help her. She sounds wonderful. You do too. I'm glad you came to SR and shared with us. Your daughters dad was fortunate to have you both in his life. ((((hugs))))
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