Kboys

AH is sober almost two weeks now. No AA, no programs. Things are good, I guess. He's being normal and sweet and helpful like he used to be before the drinking. And it does feel nice... kind of. But it just doesn't feel the same as it used to... too much has happened for it to feel the same as it used to I guess.

The week that he was gone was incredibly difficult emotionally, but it did feel right, and I knew that I was on the right path. And now I just feel disappointment in myself, and anger with myself and with him. I feel like I know it is only a matter of time before he starts drinking again. But if I know that, then why did I allow him to come home? Because I guess it made me feel better in the moment...

I'm actually amazed that he has gone this long. Then again, he has no truck, since it was impounded. So I've been driving him to work, and wherever else we go, making it slightly more difficult for him to buy vodka... but he's always found a way in the past when he wants it badly enough... he could pretty easily walk to the gas station from his work, or from our house.

He said he hit his "bottom" when he moved out to a crappy apartment, got arrested, lost his truck, then lost his crappy apartment, but I think I saved him too quickly for him to have actually hit the bottom.... I know he's really trying, but it definitely feels like "too little too late." At this point I don't think my feelings are going to change about that. I do love him, and I would love to feel the trust and security with him that I used to, but he has broken it WAY too many times. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to drink again so I can have him leave again... I feel like I was at the beginning of the path where I needed to be, and then I just made a huge U-turn back to hell

ResignedToWait

That was definitely me. You love, and you forgive, and you love, and you forgive...then you try to help, and get deceived...you have hope, then the hope is vanquished. Over, and over, and over...until finally the blind can see that nothing will ever change, regardless of what the A says or does.

I think the true turning point of detachment (for me) was when I preferred the drinking phases more than the sober ones...because at least then, life was predictable, in its own hellish way.

lillamy

Good question. And chances are, your gut feeling is right.

You know what the GPS tells you when you've taken a wrong turn and you're on your way to hell? Make a U-turn.

dandylion

Kboys....With no program at all....you probably only have a very short time to wait until he drinks again.
He is still under the control of his disease.

This is just the reality of it....

dandylion

Christopher1

You sound fearful,like you're waiting for the hammer to fall:it's an awful way for us to live.I hope it works out ok but without proper support,he could be setting himself up to fail.

Overit23

Have you tried Ala non? work on self if he is going to drink nothing you do can prevent that. However, if he sees you go for support that may encourage him to do something. It may also help you cope better. just some thoughts...

heartbrokenK

I definitely agree with getting to alanon. It sucks when you feel like your waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Eauchiche

This might sound shockingly close to giving you advice, but please permit me to add my voice to the others here...
1. He's only been sober 2 weeks. Rome was not built in a day.
2. You love him and choose to stay with him. Others might try to advise you about what to do, but ultimately the choice is yours.
3. I don't think forgiveness is a bad thing. It is freeing and healing. We have to practice it over and over with a variety of people.
4. Don't beat yourself up for the choices you've made.
5. Work your program.