Uncomfortable with normal
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Uncomfortable with normal
I know we were discussing this the other day, and I just found this quote on Karen Salmansohn's blog. She's a self-help guru that I sometimes find helpful, sometimes just meh. But this quote sort of summarizes what therapists have told me about my kids, so I wanted to share it in case it can help someone:
As a child you learned habits on love and happiness from your parents. If you learned that love comes with yelling and insults, then being in a relationship with too much peace and too many compliments might actually inspire anxiety. Snagging an abundance of joy might also trigger you to self-sabotage your happiness in order to maintain that “masochistic equilibrium” which you learned in your childhood. Or you might simply choose scenarios from the get-go which bring you lower levels of love and bliss.
Basically, you grew up in your childhood learning to feel comfy with only a certain level of happiness. Maybe you grew up used to eighty percent happiness. Or only seventy-five percent. Or seventeen percent. When this concentration shifts—even if it’s upwards—you will then start to feel twitchy, because this new zone feels so unfamiliar. As a result you might instinctively want to do something self-sabotaging, so you can shift your happiness concentration back down, down, down, down, down to your familiar zone—your “masochistic equilibrium.” Or, as mentioned above, you might simply choose situations right from the start which bring you a familiar level of pain, so as to match the “masochistic equilibrium” you grew up with.
Basically, you grew up in your childhood learning to feel comfy with only a certain level of happiness. Maybe you grew up used to eighty percent happiness. Or only seventy-five percent. Or seventeen percent. When this concentration shifts—even if it’s upwards—you will then start to feel twitchy, because this new zone feels so unfamiliar. As a result you might instinctively want to do something self-sabotaging, so you can shift your happiness concentration back down, down, down, down, down to your familiar zone—your “masochistic equilibrium.” Or, as mentioned above, you might simply choose situations right from the start which bring you a familiar level of pain, so as to match the “masochistic equilibrium” you grew up with.
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This is the stuff that worries me so much for my girls... They have grown up associating love from xAH with unkept promises, hopes, expectations and constant disappointment...
I grew up with love being meted out erratically the same way their dad doles it out to them and look at who I married...
It is so worrisome for me that even if I try my best to make things normal for my kids, thir dads influence HAS and WILL continue to have a big impact on them and their emotional well being...
Thanks for sharing this Lillamy... It is sobering to read and realize....
I grew up with love being meted out erratically the same way their dad doles it out to them and look at who I married...
It is so worrisome for me that even if I try my best to make things normal for my kids, thir dads influence HAS and WILL continue to have a big impact on them and their emotional well being...
Thanks for sharing this Lillamy... It is sobering to read and realize....
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I feel like I'm smacking you left and right today, WTBH -- I really don't mean to. Here's how I think about it: If you don't know what you're dealing with, you can't fix it. But if you know what dysfunctions you've saddled your kids with (I'm preaching to myself here, it's a "global you"), you at least have a chance to address them.
Like -- I was raised in a culture where emotions weren't discussed. It wasn't that people didn't have emotions, it was that they were private. You shared joy, but all other emotions were handled in private, and expressing them around other people was frowned upon. Very much "stiff upper lip." That was my "normal" and what I brought with me into my marriage. (Guess how great that worked with an alcoholic who expressed ALL feelings ALL the time?) I didn't teach my kids to not express their emotions -- but I did manage to teach them that their feelings didn't matter. Hard pill to swallow, realizing I did that.
But basically, my kids are raised to brush themselves off and keep going. Regardless. My son tells me my basic parenting principle was "Sorry you're hurt. I love you. Suck it up and move on." and that was my answer to most any complaints he had.
It was a survival strategy that I lived by and taught them to live by. And now they have this "new" mom who wants them to explore their feelings and is telling them that their feelings do matter. It's confusing, but at least now that I know what I've done that's been damaging to them, I can let their therapists know so they can help undo it. If that makes sense?
Like -- I was raised in a culture where emotions weren't discussed. It wasn't that people didn't have emotions, it was that they were private. You shared joy, but all other emotions were handled in private, and expressing them around other people was frowned upon. Very much "stiff upper lip." That was my "normal" and what I brought with me into my marriage. (Guess how great that worked with an alcoholic who expressed ALL feelings ALL the time?) I didn't teach my kids to not express their emotions -- but I did manage to teach them that their feelings didn't matter. Hard pill to swallow, realizing I did that.
But basically, my kids are raised to brush themselves off and keep going. Regardless. My son tells me my basic parenting principle was "Sorry you're hurt. I love you. Suck it up and move on." and that was my answer to most any complaints he had.
It was a survival strategy that I lived by and taught them to live by. And now they have this "new" mom who wants them to explore their feelings and is telling them that their feelings do matter. It's confusing, but at least now that I know what I've done that's been damaging to them, I can let their therapists know so they can help undo it. If that makes sense?
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
I feel like I'm smacking you left and right today,
I went from telling the girls it was fine to react HOWEVER they wanted, to not at all, to now trying to teach them regulation... I feel like I have been all over the place with them bc of trying to cater to how the A wanted emotions to be...
Like -- I was raised in a culture where emotions weren't discussed. It wasn't that people didn't have emotions, it was that they were private.
You shared joy, but all other emotions were handled in private, and expressing them around other people was frowned upon. Very much "stiff upper lip." That was my "normal"
I didn't teach my kids to not express their emotions -- but I did manage to teach them that their feelings didn't matter. Hard pill to swallow, realizing I did that.
It was a survival strategy that I lived by and taught them to live by. And now they have this "new" mom who wants them to explore their feelings and is telling them that their feelings do matter. It's confusing, but at least now that I know what I've done that's been damaging to them, I can let their therapists know so they can help undo it. If that makes sense?
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I've been ordered to go to therapy by my kids' therapist. *sigh*
I can kind of see for the first time how that would be helpful. I'm not really helping them as long as my way of handling things is still screwed up.
I can kind of see for the first time how that would be helpful. I'm not really helping them as long as my way of handling things is still screwed up.
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I have had a T for a while and it has been very helpful... I get hung up about beating myself up for all the confusing messages I sent my kids for a long time and am trying to be consistent now (which I have been for the better part of the last 18 months or so) but it sucks to realize that I cant do a damn thing to change the past...
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I was brought up with my mother who was terribly depressed and didn't know how to love her children. And my dad spent most of his time in the pub. All my mother did was scream and shout at us. So yes I spose when I think about it it does seem comfortable to pick a partner the same. And I find it hard to do normal when it comes to partners.
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I don't know about anybody else here. But I think that if I was to get in a relationship with somebody normal I'd just mess it up. Not out of malice but just because I don't know any different. Anybody else feel like this? Xx
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