spedteach

Thanks to all who gave me some thoughts and views on what I posted yesterday! I've thought about what you have said. And now...I could use some more thoughts and views.

As I said, my AH has told me he needs 1 more week and he'll stop drinking. I didn't respond to this because I believe he wants to, I just don't know he can. Here's where I'm at and I'm not sure if I'm handling this correctly or not...and that's why I need thoughts.

Literally, he's drank a 6 pack the last 2 nights in a short period of time. On Tuesday, I admit, I could barely speak to him or look at him. He asked me why I was mad. I said I wasn't, I was disappointed that our marriage is on the line, he and I both know it and he expects me to just give him one last hurrah, what about my needs and thoughts about fixing things? (Not sure if that's seen as controlling or not, with him, he tells me all the time I'm controlling and such...I NEVER speak to him about his drinking or try to stop him but he's done a great job of letting me know I'm a control freak, bossy and give him dirty looks and attitude from his perspective....anyone else in my life would say that's so far from who I am!) and he got mad at me for saying that, asked me if I believe him that he will quit next week. I said I want to believe him but I'm not sure if I do. He was again mad....

Yesterday, I didn't get home from work until about 8pm and he was in bed but had drank a 6 pack again before he went to bed.

Here are my questions...normally, I just go about my business, take care of me and let him worry about him when he's drinking. Now, our marriage has been VERY stressed the last several months...to the point where we literally haven't had much in the way of conversation or physical contact when he's been drinking. I refuse to be around him as much as possible when he's using. He asked for 1 more week, I am disgusted at the sight of his drinking. However, I believe he expects I'll just accept that he's going to drink and be my normal, cheery self....and maybe even loving (yuck) when he's drinking....I can not do that....I feel in some way, that's giving him a green light that I'm okay with his drinking and I'm okay with it. Do I express to him that I'm NOT going to be happy go lucky and so on when he's drinking and just continue on how I have for the last week? I will NOT nag him but I am struggling with the idea of him drinking for 5 more days....

Looking to keep my sanity and my head above water!

Thanks!

lillamy

You have every right to not be around him when he's drinking. You could choose to go to a movie with friends, go browse the book store, keep busy for the next five days, and just not be around him. You can also tell him you have no interest in being intimate when he's drunk. He probably won't like that, but expressing your needs and boundaries is not being controlling. You're not saying "You can't drink" -- you're saying "I will not have sex with you when you're drunk because I get nothing out of it" and that's totally OK.

I think that maybe you're overthinking how you should behave? Whether you're sweet and loving or a total wench monster from hell isn't going to affect the choices he makes about his drinking. He will probably SAY it does -- blame you for not being nice enough to him now that he's said he's going to quit drinking. My guess (based on what my ex was like) is that he'll come to the end of the five days and say "why should I quit drinking when you're mean and won't sleep with me?" -- point being, regardless of what you do, he will do what he chooses. So you might as well be yourself and not try to put on a mask in the hopes that it will sway him the "right" way.

I admit that I'm pretty disillusioned with addicts and their promises and plans, though, so please take that into consideration. Any addict I've ever met who's wanted to quit has quit. They haven't talked about quitting in X days.

gaffo

I'm really sorry to hear about what you are going through. For what it's worth, I don't think you are being controlling, you are asking for what you need and there is nothing wrong with that.

I can't say whether your husband will quit drinking in a week but as a recovering alcoholic (3 years) and a friend of bad drunks I can say that I wouldn't hold my breath. Quitting drinking is really hard, not to be taken lightly, and cannot be done for someone else. He is probably lying to you and himself.

I wish I had some useful wisdom to impart but I don't. You are not crazy. You have spoken loud and clear. Now actions, not words, is what he needs. Be supportive but don't get caught up in the BS if you can avoid it.

Check out Alanon. They are really helpful in these situations.

Good luck!

Santa

That is not the remark of someone who WANTS to stop drinking. It is the comment of a person who is feeling forced to give up his love. He's not serious. Sobriety will be temporary. I know because that was the type of statement my XAH used to make. He'd stop for awhile, declare himself cured some weeks later, and opine that he would now be able to enjoy a glass of wine (or 10 as it soon turned out) with dinner. Rinse and repeat. What you say or do about it will have little to no effect.

BunnyNest

I'm so sorry.

I know that at this point, I won't give up my peace and serenity for someone else's addiction. Therefore, I would leave. But that is me!

I was blamed so much for the drinking, as was everybody and everything else (parents, brothers, sisters, parents, deaths, jobs etc.) It is the nature of the disease. Please remember that.

Do what you need to do for you.

ResignedToWait

One thing is for sure...if he continues to drink after the 7 days, or even if he stops drinking but relapses soon after...he'll blame you.
Be prepared for that, and (of course) know it wasn't anything to do with you.

SparkleKitty

If you have decided to give him this miracle week, then fine. You don't have to do or be or say anything, just live your own boundaries and BE for five more days. The ball is entirely in his court. You just have to see to your own needs -- don't do anything you are not comfortable doing, and try not to feel bad about it! It's not controlling to take care of yourself, and if he needs to call it that in order to make you the villain, so be it. It's an effort to keep you hooked and get the focus off his drinking.

Spedteach, he wants things to stay status quo and you don't. There's nothing wrong with it, you just disagree about how you each want to live. You will either come to an agreement or you won't. Right now you both appear to be waiting for the other to concede that you are okay with what the other wants.

dandylion

spedteach....piggybacking on what lillamy just said...nothing you do either way will have any effect on whether he stops drinking or not. So, might as well make the boundaries that make you the most comfortable.
Bottom line: You have no control over him. You have control only over what you do.
About the "week deadline"...his words mean absolutely zero. Only his actions do. Watch his actions--not his words.

PLEASE read this article, now: "Ten way to tell if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap".

You can find it by going to SEARCH on the blue bar at the top of this main page.
It is very applicable to your situation, just now.

dandylion

firebolt

I am going to quit smoking again, in a week.

See - I can make promises about my addiction too...and I even *mostly believe myself!!

Take care of yourself. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do - and you don't have to act any way you don't want to act. If he wants to quit drinking, he will - no matter what you do or don't do.

And I will quit smoking forever when I want / need / have to quit smoking - no matter if there is stress in my life at the time or not.

Take care of yourself! You are on the right track!

atalose

Looking at things from way over here……..I think you are focusing on all the little stuff that don’t amount to beans. How many bears he’s drank in how many days doesn’t matter because the fact is he is still drinking so nothing has changed really has it? You question how to act instead of acting how you feel as if that is going to make some kind of a difference.

His drinking bothers you and you are putting all of your expectations on something you think is going to happen in 5 days. What plans have you made for when nothing changes in 5 days?

The more we attempt to walk on egg shells and try and act anything other than how we feel and how we want to act the more eggs are going to break and the messier it gets.

LadyM87

I feel you so much! I truly hope your hubby can clean up - however it is not fair to you at all. AT ALL. Giving up a substance is HARD WORK and people that have dependancy/problems will always make excuses and always blame their partners/family/friends/work ... you are not being controlling - you are being sincere and caring.

Because I can relate so well to the hope you have, I'd see what happens after this "last hurrah" it's going to be very hard for both of you and on the relationship, but if you can get through this together you'll be stronger for. Just take care of you and do the best you can.

Best of luck *hugs*

spedteach

Thanks everyone-
A lot of good stuff for me to read and digest. I'm not sure I was clear in what I was asking. Here are some things I KNOW:
I am not in control of him and his choices

He's going to do what he wants/feels/needs to do

I don't believe he can quit on his own

I don't believe he will be done drinking next week

I cannot continue living like this

It sucks big time to love an A, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

I will continue living how I have been when he's using for the next several days.

I will hold my bottom line when he doesn't stop or it starts up again.

I will continue taking care of me and my needs.

(just making a list, those aren't in any order)

Atalose- I'm not putting any expectations on what he says will happen in 5 days, I don't believe it will happen at all....however, I was more looking for insight on my beliefs about my behavior and action over the next 5 days because I KNOW he has some expectations of how I should be reacting when he drinks the next 5 days based on what he's said....and I wanted to verify that being true to me is exactly what I should be doing.

lillamy

Good for you, spedteach. You sound like you're pretty ready to fish or cut bait here, and that's a good thing.

NYCDoglvr

Ditto, from another recovering alcoholic. Both alcoholics and codependents have minds clouded with denial and rationalization.

wanttobehealthy

Oh my heart goes out to you spedteach...

The "1 more week" line is one I heard for years... And after the week ended IF he actually stopped, it was for a day or two and then my behavior was the cause of it starting up again (according to him) and I felt like I had to stay bc he had "tried" and I totally took the bait that it was my fault he couldnt stay stopped...

You sound determined to not keep living this way and I think the most important question for you to answer for you is "what do I want for me even if he keeps drinking?" and then set yourself to having that...

It might be that you can sustain staying with him even with his drinking and that's for you to decide... But if you cant live with it that is perfectly acceptable too and you have that right to decide that.

AnvilheadII

do you have the one week deadline circled on the calendar, IN RED? if not, do so. HE said "one more week" - so it's acceptable to clearly note that.

now, did i miss the part about what YOU plan to do if said date comes and goes without any change?
or what if he does "quit drinking" for say two day and then starts up again? cuz quitting drinking can be a LOT of things...and what it means TO HIM and what it means TO YOU i imagine are about as far apart as the planets Venus and Uranus. (I'd say Pluto but he got demoted).

I'm not sure i've ever met an addict that said they are GOING TO QUIT <<fill in some future date>> and then did. Recovery, that call to action, that desire to change, is a NOW thing. ever notice on the show Intervention or even Dr Phil, when the addict is confronted or intervened upon, they have a treatment center lined up NOW and they get a choice - NOW or not at all. that's because those windows of opportunity, those moments of clarity, are only there for short periods of time, and then addiction comes along and slams the windows shut, barricades the doors and refuses to let anyone or contrary thought in again.

do you best to just ignore him as best you can. don't TRY to be sweet OR mean, just go on about your biz, let him do his thing.

dandylion

spedteach....As I said in my post above....I think what you are doing is o.k.---since it doesn't make any difference to the outcome of his drinking, anyway. Just do what makes you the most comfortable---any boundaries are for You...not him.

dandylion