FireSprite

I agree, lots of red flags here, so I won't repeat.

To me, THIS says it ALL:


And that's alllllllllllll that matters right now.

You need to be comfortable with whatever path you choose; YOU have rights & your feelings are REAL.

You don't need him or his therapists to validate that for you.

hopeful4

The rehab is primarily going to be concerned with him. That is their job. However, they should be actively including you in the therapy and if not, that's a problem.

Jarp, you have a lot of rights. NO is a complete sentence.

XXX

biminiblue

This business about him not going to couples therapy...is this HIS statement? Or did someone from the hospital tell you that?

Sounds like a delusion to me.

firebolt

Just sending you strength to do what is best for YOU (rather than what you are pressured to do), and peace with your decision. Take care, Jarp!

NYCDoglvr

He feels vulnerable and wants someone to mother him. But you MUST take care of yourself. This is the same person, he just isn't drinking right now. Of course there's a good chance he will (no one can predict). I suggest Alanon, which got me through the toughest part while keeping my sanity.

jarp

Thanks everyone for your feedback and input.

I spoke to his psychiatrist today. They've not approved the counselling, so he was telling the truth. He explained its bc AH has more than just issues with long term alcohol abuse and dependancy, but also bc he has BPD. He said AH is in a very vulnerable place right now and they want to tightly control and monitor his progress, and bringing in an outside therapist for marriage counselling at this stage could be detrimental to his recovery, espeically when they havent had the chance to coordinate with this person (outside their system). With 'normal' alcoholics he'd approve, but not AH.

I am to be brought in to the program next week. They will see AH and I together, me seperately and also be starting to set up his outpatient program. Part of this is the recommendation to go on with our counselling together, but they'd like to speak with our therapist before we see her to coordinate the approach.

His psych said he is pleased with AH's progress and said he seems genuinely motivated, and that he is doing well. But he cautioned me that he is only 3 weeks in, and at this point is feeling good - maybe a bit too good, and its actually quite a risky time for people with BPD who may make decisions that fly in the face of all fact.

So ther eis aplan...and I started talkinbg to AH about the fact that maybe he cant come home after rehab....he understood. For now. We'll see where that goes...

lillamy

I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and not giving in to his wishes. You know that you're doing him a favor too by doing this, right? (((hugs)))

jarp

Thanks lillamy. And you know what...when I stood up for myself...the sky didn't fall in!!!!

The therapist fron the hospital gave me a call. She's a psychiatrist and psychologist who is the program manager at the hospital. I really liked her....we ended up having a 40 minute chat on the phone (shed just called to schedule the appointment) but she was really lovely and validated all of my feelings and even articulated some I didn't even know I was having.

She also have me a while heap of feedback about AH and his treatment, how they see him changing, where they think there is a risk etc etc so it was really good to have a professional giving me a view rather than me relying on what I see over an hour each day.

Feeling much better thanks!

dandylion

jarp...do you have an understanding of what BPH is?

dandylion

jarp

Yes, I think my understanding is pretty good. AH's outpatient plan is including g a 2 year DBT course (individual and group work) and a 8 week course 'of' ACT.

I understand this is a serious personality disorder, have been having counselling w so done who specialises I it. Have been reading constantly, and connected w other family members who have someone w bpd in our family group.

Is it sounding like I do t know what it is?

dandylion

jarp.....oh, no, I didn't mean to imply that. I don't think most people would understand if they had not been educated or had experience with BPD. (sorry, I see Ithat I mispelled in my above post!).

I just wanted to be sure that you understood that dealing with this personality disorder is not exactly a cake walk. Just..that I always think it is good to know what one is up against....

I really meant it as a sincere question.....

dandylion

jarp

I took it as a sincere question!

Am new to it despite having a good friend whose dd was diagnosed 10 years ago and was wondering if I'm sounding a bit 'optimistic' (head in sand) or if I'm saying something that sounds wrong...

Hammer also recommended a book about care taking & Npd/bpd which has had my head nodding awSy madly!

amy55

Hi jarp,

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you.

You have a really tough decision to make. I don't know what I would do in your place. My ex was definitely undiagnosed BPD. I have no doubts about that. I was trying to think of what I would do if I was in your place and he was trying, and my mind just goes blank.

I go back and forth with, if he is not at home, then you don't really know what is true and what is not true because he can control himself for short periods of time, but if he is at home, then you might feel like you are walking on eggshells not to set him off.

I think I would lean more towards him not home because he would probably go to the DBT either for himself or to try to get back in, but at least he would be going.

If he comes back home, he might just decide that he got what he wanted and doesn't need anymore help. (or he may continue to go)

Just (((((((((hugs)))))))) and do what you feel is good for you.

redatlanta

Jarp - congrats on how you have handled this.

My RAH has Bi-polar which in all honesty I believe easier to deal with than a Borderline because he can take meds for his problems. Still, it is no cakewalk at times. I am committed to it because he is committed to sober living and committed to regularly seeing his psychiatrist and managing his illness. When we see signs of rapid cycling I don't have to say a thing he is on the phone scheduling an appointment. I have told him, and I mean it, that should he ever stop managing it or should he EVER relapse again he will be hitting the road because I am never living like that again IT SUCKS. In fact, I would take an alcoholic any-day-of-the-week over untreated mental illness. That's just my opinion others may and probably do feel differently.

I'll again reinforce that you probably need to look at a serious commitment to sobriety beyond 3 weeks, and a serious commitment to DBT before living together again. I think its great that he is seemingly very committed to it this time but who knows? "Show me" would be my mantra.