firebolt

I don't know how supportive your family is... could you just let them know you don't want him to be able to peer into any part of your life on facebook, and that if it doesn't affect them much, maybe they could unfriend him?

My guess is "Skanky Wh*re B*tch" triggered you? I empathize. So much. (((HUGS))) Sending you strength to take care of yourself!

wanttobehealthy

I think, in all due respect, that you are creating a situation/problem for yourself that would not exist if you were not looking at his fb.

If it makes it too big a deal to talk to your family yourself about unfriending them, then it probably is also making it too big a deal for you to be considering talking to xAH about it...

Delete him from your fb and let it go.

BunnyNest

I repeat "Not my circus, not my monkeys!" at least as many times a day to myself as I do the Serenity prayer.

It helps a lot!

I receive these emails daily from "My Inner Pilot Light." They are pretty awesome. I thought today's applied a little bit to this, especially in thinking about the outcome...what we are trying to control. What you want to do seems like not much fun, and outcome focused. I changed the name to yours!

Dearest SeriousKarma,

The best way to follow your passions is to pursue them with no attachments to any outcomes. Focus on the fun and not the end result.

You’d be amazed what you can accomplish when you don’t put any pressure on yourself.

After all, you can never have too much fun. As Martha Beck says, “Play until it’s time to rest, then rest until it’s time to play. If it doesn’t feel like play or rest, don’t do it.”

Don’t believe that kind of restful fun is possible? Trust me. I can help you find it.

Living it up,

Your Inner Pilot Light

AnvilheadII

bunny nest, your daily email reminded me that i haven't touched base with Ralph Marston, motivator, in a long time! i thought this was pretty appropo:

Consider letting it go

If you’re filled with resentment or frustration, you’re wasting your precious time and energy. The more quickly you can let the bad stuff go, the more quickly you can move on to the good stuff.

People and events will regularly cause delays, inconveniences, expenses, disappointments and worse in your life. Don’t add to the damages by letting those things keep you down.

When people have wronged you or events have sidetracked you, you have plenty of great reasons for complaints and excuses. But complaints and excuses don’t provide anything of value to your life.

Although whatever has happened to you may be highly unfair, wrong and inconsiderate, consider letting it go. For your own sake, consider letting it go.

Instead of giving others the power to get you down, give yourself the power to move forward. Instead of being content to collect those complaints and excuses, enjoy the freedom and satisfaction of making life positive and fulfilling no matter what.

Make the choice to live with joy, intention and purpose rather than with anger and resentment. Free yourself from the world’s negativity by choosing to look ahead, to live ahead, and to get ahead.

— Ralph Marston


Read more at The Daily Motivator - Consider letting it go

NYCDoglvr

It's a good indication you should avoid Facebook. It's letting him live rent-free in your mind.

SeriousKarma

So, by the time I had left for work this morning I had already crossed into the light. I then spent a lovely day not thinking about him.

You are all right.

Sure, he probably would go ahead and unfriend my family if I asked. But what's the point? It's not like that one action is going to miraculously make him a healthy, sober, sane person. Addiction sucks. Mental illness is sad. But I don't have to let his issues constantly be the driving force in my life.

I realized, as I was driving to work, that I've been happier since I stopped keeping his secrets. Why on earth would I want to do something that would go back to making his secret life secret. It wouldn't serve me in any way. If he, or his girlfriend, do something embarrassing on FB, it's his issue, not mine. My family can handle it. If anything it may help them understand some of the stress I've been under the last 20+ years. It's time I move on.

I knew my instinct to post here first, before calling him, was the right one. I think, on some level, I even knew what you where all going to say. But, I still needed to hear it.

Thanks

gleefan

SeriousKarma - I know you're angry right now. I would be too. I'd want to call. You'd tell me not to for all the same reasons as others suggested. When my CV (Codie Voice) starts nagging me, I slow things down by accepting that I'm powerless over other people, and working my way through the 12 steps. (((SeriousKarma)))

EDIT: We cross posted. I'm glad you are feeling good about your decision!

SeriousKarma

Now that you mention it, it's my interpretation of the first step: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable." that led me to posting the question in the first place.

Sometimes I'm just not that good at "managing" myself when it comes to these things, and I need to call in for support. It usually works. I guess it's like going to the hardware store to buy hardware.

suncatcher

Seriouskarma, I think deep down you probably wanted and needed to hear what everyone is saying here. I understand how you feel tho too. My Axbf had a swb he talked to also. I called her that under my breath too along with other things even less classy lol. I was letting it get to me. I'm glad I moved past it. I think you will too.

suncatcher

I read once that expecting an A to love you is like going to the hardware store to get a sandwich. Coming here to SR is like going to the hardware store and getting the hardware! So much support and amazing empowerment is found within these threads! Thank you for posting, Seriouskarma. When we post we are looking for answers for ourselves but then the domino effect ends up helping so many others too.

Florence

Word. My family thinks if XAH just found Jesus he would be cured. Their continued contact with him over time, with his disease progressing and/or not improving, has led to some hard lessons for them that I learned a few years before. We're on different timelines. Time will reveal more, yeah?

MissFixit

My dad told me early on that my ex was going through a phase and it would pass. I should wait for him. He also told me that if I broke up with the ex, then he (my dad) would stay friends with him despite my feelings. The ex was rude to my dad after we split, so that didn't last.

stella27

My name is Stella and I like to tell everybody what's best for them because if they would just live the right way, it would make my life better. I would be happy if only these other people would act the way I want them to.

I have played this game several times. I learned it from living with AXH and now that I have moved 200 miles away from him, I still play it with him whenever he finds a reason to contact me and I also play it with any men I start having any relationship with.

I start needing to "define" the relationship instead of just letting it develop naturally. This is to keep me from getting hurt because if I can say "well, you're not ACTing like a boyfriend," then this will make him decide if he wants to actually BE a boyfriend. Surprisingly, they have all chosen NOT to be my boyfriend…hmmm.

I see you trying to define how he runs his FB page and his life. If he is going to invite skanky ***** bitches to be his FB friends, then he is not acting like a decent guy, and you want your STBXAH to be a decent guy and if he won't do it your way, then you want to show your disapproval by withdrawing yourself and your family.

Wouldn't it be better if they called you and said "what is UP with your STBXAH and that skanky ***** bitch? You are so much better off without him! I'm going to unfriend him because they are so offensive." and you can be all "See? I was right and I knew it" instead of meddlesome and controlling.

Oh SeriousKarma, I do hear you and I am always trying to do things this way and wanttobehealthy is right -- I NEVER feel good later. Just NEVER.

lillamy

Thank you, Anvil!!! I needed that today! Smooches!

SeriousKarma

I think for me, my biggest problem isn't so much that I'm a Control Freak, as much as I'm the Queen of Denial.

With my STBXAH allowing his girlfriend to be on both of his Facebook accounts I can no longer pretend that he's who he use to be. I've mentioned before that we get along well. I'm not just throwing that out there. We get along tremendously well when we talk or see each other. I really like him. As he bifurcated (there's that great word again, Lovenjoy) his life onto two distinct social paths, I compartmentalized my thinking. There's the alcoholic, mentally ill husband, whose f**ked up choices ruined our family, and then there's that other guy, who has all those great qualities, that I love being around.

I can be very skilled at denial. PHD worthy. I want so much to remember the good. Don't misunderstand me. I don't want to stay married. I'd have to be comatose to be in that much denial, but the full force of his emotional abandonment can sometimes make me so overwhelmingly sad. Sad for my daughter, sad for myself, sad for him, sad for the cat, sad for that guy sitting on that bench over there.....

Denial is impossible if he has his girlfriend on the same Facebook he shares with my family members. It's proof that his illness has advanced this far. If denial is impossible then sadness is going to follow.

And THAT's what freaks me out.

I know I can handle it, but it still freaks me out.

peaceofpi

((SeriousKarma)) I know how you feel. It means the mental illness is out there on Full Facebook Display. It means that people you love (elderly parents, et al), whom you want to protect, won't be as protected.
Mine had a second FB account that I discovered when we were married; his alter ego lived in a different city, oddly. He laughed it off, but I know he used it to troll for women.
During our divorce, on his real FB account, on a night he had our son, he "liked" a series of porn videos. Seriously, what normal person "likes" porn on FB? It showed up in the feed of our mutual friends. I got calls from close friends and family who already knew the full story and knew of his various addictions. I am glad I had been open and truthful with my close friends and family. I felt, at that point, that the truth had set me free.
As much as we wish it were different - that the once-great guys we married were still entirely that, or not an entirely different person, or that they weren't great guys to begin with and it just took us a while and the slow erosion of their brains and character for us to realize it - denial and protecting those we love from the truth ultimately just enmeshes us more.

MissFixit

Without sounding like a sadist, that sadness, grief, depression, whatever you want to call it is very much needed sometimes in order to mentally and emotionally move on and let go. I understand the denial very well. Who wants to feel pain? Problem is for me and maybe you we need to experience the pain to learn to not touch the hot stove again but also to FEEL our way out of the dysfunctional dynamic. Make any sense?

SeriousKarma

Absolutely.

Newpathway

Sometimes when you don't know what to do the solution is to do nothing. Think it through and decide later. Then you are less likely to regret a knee jerk reaction.

SeriousKarma

I think this makes a lot of sense. I think for me the challenge sometimes is to feel my way forward through the dysfunction, and not backward to that familiar place of denial.

For some reason the image of a child in a burning building comes to mind. Would I have enough sense to run out of the building, or would I hide under my bed with my stuffed animals.

Now I'm thinking about sexy firemen. Maybe that's what I need.