Redheadsusie

My therapist asked me today what I was getting out of staying with my AH - who I have left on and off for years - 7 years I have been coming here and saying how crappy things are and then things change for a bit and then they go back to the same old same old. What Am I getting out of this - It must be something or I would be so done - Now it is my job to figure that out so I can deal with the issue and move on ......I deserve to be happy and have a lot of work to do on myself. I can move on- what in the hell is holding me back- what am I afraid of ? I can do this.............

lillamy

What are you getting out of it?

For me, I felt like staying with him was status quo. Leaving felt like such a huge CHOICE, and choices have consequences, and you know what you have but not what you'll get, so if I stayed, I at least was in a familiar hell.

And then someone pulled that rug out from under me by saying "Every day you stay with him is a choice." You make the choice to stay, or you make the choice to leave. It's a choice either way.

(((hugs)))

hopeful4

I don't have the answers, but I agree with you, YOU CAN DO THIS.

XXX

Eauchiche

I stay, in part, because we are trying to pay off some debt we accumulated before I got my current job. I have come to have no expectations from him, otherwise. I am also getting over being impressed by the rare nice word or gesture from him.
I am still surprised that he could just throw 14 years away just because I don't drink with him any more.
He also told me a while back that he has no love for me. At least he was being honest!

dandylion

Redheadsizie....I think that you know, deep inside, what you get from the relationship. You had to know in order to WANT it back.
Having said this....I think that there may be a reluctance to admit it to your self---to actually verbalize it...because that makes it more of a reality that is just too scarey to face...so far..

This isn't just you....that is a common human way of coping. I know that I have done this in some kinds of situations.

Suzie...what are you most afraid of? NOT THAT YOU HAVE TO TELL US...LOL! But, a question to ask yourself. If you can admit to yourself the answer.....that would put you closer to being able to deal with it.
****I know this is not always easy to do....

dandylion

Redheadsusie

I guess I am afraid nobody else will love me and I will grow old alone...... He has told me nobody would put up with my sh1t. Truth is I have been alone a long time -and by staying with him I have only hurt myself. All I had was a body in bed next to me at night who was mean as heck half of the time and the other time wanted nothing to do with me. I do everything alone anyway - I mean with no partner- I have my wonderful sons and friends and my Sisters. I have a blessed life truly ... I spent some time in Barnes and Noble today reading about healing myself and forgiving myself for what I think I have done wrong in this. I am super super critical of myself and hard on myself and have a real hard time if anyone is mad with me. Guess that comes from my parents expecting us to be pretty close to perfect and that I am not. I know AH will get super ugly in this. I need to trust those closest to me who have my best interest at heart and who love me - they want what is best for me. If I can't see what is best for me ....and can't trust myself ...I need to rely on those that can. I truly appreciate all of your wisdom and advice.

naddur

I was feeling this exact way for the last couple days. Had a interesting session with my Therapist earlier today though. I sat on the ground in front of a empty chair and visualized my wife in the chair above me. My therapist then grilled me for what I was feeling till she got to the fear of being alone forever if not with my wife. She then kinda pushed me around with sad little pathetic phrases that made me realize the truth (can't remember most of them). I am giving my wife my power, ME not her. I am worshiping this dysfunctional sick person thinking she is the only person in this world that would ever want to love me. But it doesn't have to be that way. I can take back my power, it is mine. I can use it to better myself, and I can use it to do what I want to do. I have control over myself. I don't necessarily need to stay or leave my wife to stop the fear, I just need to realize I have the power to change however necessary to be happy.

suncatcher

Redheadsusie, I asked myself those very same questions when I was with my AXBF. I couldn't figure it out. I kept taking him back and he kept making me feel like a lost puppy waiting for him to toss me a crumb. I think I was getting the intermittent chicken reward. Have you read about the intermittent chicken? It was a post a while back and it really made sense! If you can try to find it or maybe someone will post the link for you since I'm on my phone and can't post it. I think the fact that you are asking yourself these questions could be the beginning of taking inventory of yourself and what you want and need. Positive steps in the right direction start out like that I think

maia1234

So I guess there is a lot of us out there that just want to be loved and not grow old alone.

But someone told me once that our ah will be dead anyway so we would be growing old alone anyway. If we move on now then I guess we have a half way chance of finding happiness. Because I am sure not happy with my ah.

I reached out to my ah one last time before our divorce in 2 weeks to see if he wanted to get some help. he said that he would try and work on our marriage, but I wasn't going to tell him when he could drink or smoke..then he also proceed to tell me his "resume" of all the things going on in his life. I never asked to get back together. All I asked if I could get him help for his drinking and drugs.

I told him he was going to die from this disease and he informed me that he had to die from something.amazing .

sosadandhurt

I know you say that maybe nobody else will love you, but I don't think that is really it. I am in the same shoes you are in. My thoughts are more on the line of, how do you live a normal life and will anyone put up with the way I am now? Not necessarily if they will love me, but how do you move on to a so called normal life and not take this BS with you. I guess, what I am trying to say is, I feel like I would always be looking for the **** to hit the fan, even though that probably wouldn't happen.How do you get back to not just waiting for the BS. I honestly feel that I would not be a good partner to someone because of what I have been through with the AB. How do you return to normal. I am not sure that you can. I can live alone, but can I ever really live with someone else again. I don't know!!!!And the way I feel, is that, would it even be fair to someone new to live with me now. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it is how I feel.

ladyscribbler

I guess I am afraid nobody else will love me and I will grow old alone...... He has told me nobody would put up with my sh1t. Truth is I have been alone a long time

I've sure heard that one before. From a guy who is now dating/living with his widowed aunt (by marriage) because the truth is HE can't live without someone taking care of him.
There's a woman who was in my Alanon group who passed away this past spring. I've posted about her before because she was an extraordinary person, but I've never talked specifically about her actual death, which is a pretty sad story.
She was an elderly housewife who stayed with her AH (he never sought sobriety) until she died. She carved out a separate life for herself with hobbies and charity work. When her AH started "acting up" as she used to put it, she would retreat to her basement to crochet or make greeting cards or work on her scrapbooking.
On the day she died, she had fallen in the bathroom. Her husband heard the fall and went to go get the next door neighbor, a young woman who used to look in on them from time to time, knowing their situation. Barb died in the neighbor's arms while her AH looked on. Her last words were to the neighbor. She said, "Thank you."
I think that despite staying in a lifelong marriage with an alcoholic, that Barb effectively grew old alone and would probably have died alone if not for the kindness of her neighbor.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-memory.html

wanttobehealthy

Omg LadyScribbler. That story of your friend who died is so so sad
Thank god for the kindness of the neighbor.
There are still times I feel sad about being alone and wondering if anyone would know if something happened to me and then I remember that even with xAH I was alone and he was no more likely to be there for me than if I were alone.
The story of your friend Barb shines light on that reality of life with an A.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. And so sad for her that her life ended with her AH not being there for her

Sikofit

But--the old woman's AH went and GOT the neighbor--if he hadn't, she probably would have lain there and died alone! Especially if she'd have divorced him and had been living alone.

What am I missing here?

Seems like she stayed with him because she didn't want to live alone, and had carved out her ways of coping with the alcoholism (hobbies).

ladyscribbler

It's a trade off. Only an individual can decide if it's a bargain they want to make.
And who's to say she wouldn't have found someone else?

LoveMeNow

I used to worry if some one else could put up with me, now I wonder if I could put with some one else. I know he better be damn special because I am never going to settle again.

When I started to dig deep and answer that question....I found there where several reasons but not one was a good one.

1. Financial security
2. My need to fix and rescue.
3. Heck, I was the best thing that ever happened to him, I would be damned if he didn't KNOW IT.
4. It was my norm! Devil known was better that unknown.
5. Low self esteem and a big ego.
6. Daddy issues!! My father was pretty absent both physically and emotionally.
7. My faith was just an excuse I used.

Basically, it all came down to fear!! Fear of the unknown, fear of my future, fear of abandonment. The more I worked on my fears, the stronger I became and boy did he hate that.

ETA - it helped me to ask....Did I think I deserved better? If not, why??

NYCDoglvr

I know what I was getting out of it: high drama (life can be boring), the ability to feel superior to someone in worse shape than I was, self-justification for all the "help" I tried to give (which is really control). Most of all, I got to focus on someone else's problems instead of dealing with my own issues.

AnvilheadII

But--the old woman's AH went and GOT the neighbor--if he hadn't, she probably would have lain there and died alone! Especially if she'd have divorced him and had been living alone.

that's hardly a reason to stay, tho is it? just in case i fall in the basement, i want someone there to fetch the neighbor???? it's like marrying a fireman just in case the house catches fire.

why are we all so AFRAID of being ALONE? what's the big deal? i can't help but think of the saying:

What we RESIST, we BECOME.

in our abject terror of NOT having SOMEONE in our lives, we will lower our standards to the point that ANYONE will do, as long as they DON'T LEAVE US. even if the last thirty years of our lives are MISERABLE. and we have NO connection to the other inhabitant in our lives. we become GHOSTS moving thru the rooms of our own house, already more alone than we can ever think to be.

lillamy

Well, you know, it is in his best interest to tell you whatever he can come up with that keeps you with him. Right?

Someone here said "It's better to be alone than to wish you were," and I whole-heartedly agree with that.

I got to the point where I decided that if I ever got out of my alcoholic marriage, I would never date again, ever -- because relationships just weren't worth it. I would have been fine being alone for the rest of my life; it would still have been better than being chained to an abusive addict. As it turns out, I'm not alone. And in this relationship, I don't have to give up who I am. I get to be me and be loved. And that opportunity is out there for you, too.

Sikofit

I just think in the zeal to say "don't be codependent," sometimes on this board people are too ready to say "leaving is always the best answer." And I know I'm going to get some pushback from people, but before you deny--take a look back at the answers you've given in the past.

Re-visiting the story of the old woman--she had detached enough to fill her life with the things that she found important and fulfilling. She obviously didn't want to live alone. For some reason, she stayed. I don't think it's so sad that she died that way. I think it would have been much more sad had she lain alone for days!! No-- it's not a REASON to stay with an A, but it's not any more sad than the basic fact that she died.

I just think more kindness and understanding needs to be shown when someone says, well, yeah--I'm going to try to stay--as imperfect as it is, it's my life. I think we can still show empathy and care when things are bad.

Sure--we should encourage each other not to exhibit codependent behaviors. But that's a big difference than immediately saying "why are you afraid to be alone?" or "divorce is the only answer."

JMHO

spedteach

This has really got me thinking...there are several reasons I think I stay. In no particular order, I think I am fearful of being alone, I have a tough time with failure in general, when I do something I want it done well....to me, divorce seems like I've failed in some way, low self esteem (which I'm working on), fear of my child being angry at me later for breaking his family up (which is SO crazy, I know!!), some financial fears...living on 1 income instead of 2.

Those are some of my reasons I stay for now...but working on them and I'm not sure I'll stay much longer.

I think each person has to live their life according to what they want to do, when they want to do it and all we can do is offer support and encouragement to one another.