Wisconsin

This popped into my head today, because I am at work watching my local governmental budget hearings from my computer (don't y'all get jealous of this exciting career requirement!). Someone near a microphone opened a can of soda, and I still...STILL...have a very visceral reaction to that sound (even though I can easily discern between a soda can opening and a beer can opening). But I was able to talk myself down from the moment of panic in less than a minute, which is a HUGE improvement from where I was even a year ago.

I wish I could tell my early recovery self that I do not have to let these neuroses (which I totally acquired in a very legitimate way during some truly horrible times) rule my life and my sanity. I wish I could tell my early recovery self that it's OK to be triggered by things--that I don't have to be ashamed, and that being ashamed of my reactions is part of why they have so much power over me. I wish I could tell my early recovery self that understanding those reactions and facing them was the single biggest tool I had to move beyond them and diminish the power they had over me. I wish I could tell my early recovery self that my happiness was dependent on ME and only ME.

hopeful4

I wish I could tell my early recovery self to trust my gut instinct, every single time. And not to stay in that misery. That my kids are actually ok and that being a single mom is very rewarding. I wish I could tell my early recovery self that I just need to work on one person, me.

ladyscribbler

I would tell my early recovery self, "Yes, you are going in the right direction, don't worry about other people being on board." Also, "Feel your emotions now, even if they're painful. Stuffing them only makes it worse, because they will comes back." And, "Drop the rope, don't pick it back up."

SparkleKitty

I would say all the things my therapist was saying to me at the time: "You're going to be okay, this won't last, you're on the right track."

But I would also urge her to stop comparing her insides to other people's outsides. Because that was what held me back and distracted me from focusing on my recovery most of the time. I waited too long to let go of expectations for where I was "supposed" to be and what I what "supposed" to have. I wish I had given in sooner.

Wisconsin

I love this, SK! This has been a problem for me off and on over the years, and I've never heard it articulated quite that way. And...shocker...I've had no problem imparting this message to friends who constantly lament that their lives suck compared to other peoples' lives, but cannot seem to get the message imparted into my own mind!

Needabreak

I would tell myself, "it's ok to form a bad opinion of someone when they have shown bad character. It's ok to be judgmental when someone has shown a willingness to inflict negative consequences on you via their behavior." And most of all, "it's ok to pull out of a relationship when those things happen."

I heard over and over from my ex that I was judgmental and controlling because I didn't like the fact that he binged on alcohol and cocaine. According to him, it was entirely my fault that he needed to lie to me about his behavior.

I don't regret being what he called judgmental. I only wish I had listened to that inner voice that told me I was hurting myself by being with him. But you know what, he was right about me being controlling. I wanted to help him to stop using. I wanted to heal what I saw as his terrible pain. I even talked him into rehab and paid for it -- several times. But in his heart he really didn't want to change.

The big lesson I learned was how to let go. In the end, it was a good lesson to learn.

Wisconsin

I learn so much from you guys every single day. NaB, just this past Monday, my AH walked out of marriage counseling very concerned that the therapist thought he was a bad guy because of a story I had related during our appointment. And I just thought to myself "If you don't want people to think you are a bad guy, then don't ACT LIKE A BAD GUY."

ResignedToWait

I'll second this as my answer. Detachment!

firebolt

OY - on the letting my ruminating, anxiety spiraling, stress migraine creating brain to just STOP, and go freaking fishing.

I probably shaved 5 years off my life in stressing out about HIS problems.

Oh yeah, I'd say BOLT NOW as well.

lillamy

Oh, wow. See, what I would tell my own early recovery self is way different from what I would tell anyone coming new here. Sitting here with the consequences of the choices I made, I probably would not be very nice to myself. I think I would say something like this:

"Get OFF that high horse and stop pretending for a moment that you can fix this guy. Hell, stop pretending that you love this guy. The only reason you're staying is that you're afraid of leaving. It doesn't matter what people think. It doesn't matter what he thinks. He won't get any less upset about you leaving if you wait another 15 years, you know. Man up for once, grow a backbone, protect those precious children, and get the **** out. Now."

But I would never say that to anyone else.