Christopher1

Just wanted to share this; I was talking to my AP and said to her that I felt she was always wanting me to take responsibility for her-she answered "I'm not"- then it struck me; she's RIGHT - it's ME doing that all on my own.Another lesson for me ,and one that I hope sinks in-I do need "the wisdom to know the difference".When did help turn into control?

lillamy

Great insight!!!

SparkleKitty

This is a huge acknowledgement -- good for you!

Christopher1

That's something then:wasn't expecting that response. Thank you SK & Lil.

DoubleDragons

That was a big awakening for me, Chris ~ that I was taking responsibility for people and things that did not ask me to do it and maybe didn't even necessarily want me to do it. And I held a zillion resentments for not getting appreciation for this "help"!! It was painful for me to see that a lot of what I looked at as being a good, caring, strong, responsible, nurturing person, was more about my need to control people, situations, etc. As painful as coming to this realization was, it was so freeing!! And it has helped me turn that nurturing energy on to someone who really needs it and wants it ~ me!!

hopeful4

That's a big epiphany....now what are you going to do with this info?

Christopher1

That's the point-knowing something doesn't necessarily change things,not by magic anyway.What am I going to do? I'm really not sure;controlling things(or trying to anyway) makes me feel safe but there's no real safety,I know,in this situation-I have no control at all ,only the illusion of it that is all in my own head. Maybe just being aware of something gives you some power to change things(for myself I mean!) Agree with previous post from D.D;it isn't altruistic,far from it.Anyway,I'm rambling now:don't know what the answer is to anything anymore!!

Christopher1

Can I just add,there wasn't any active alcoholism in my family(as far as l'm aware) but there was violence,mental illness etc-maybe not that different after all.

FireSprite

I agree Chris, I think that dysfunction is dysfunction & the same traits & issues can stem from a variety of ways. My friend's husband was terribly abused as a child & has major issues with anger management as an adult. He's basically living life in a PTSD fog since his abuse started SO young & he also protected his younger sister growing up. A LOT of the things that he struggles with are similar if not identical to some of the things my RAH has struggled with & we are forever surprised when we compare notes & see these similarities.

Back to your OP - This was a very important epiphany for me - to realize that I was martyring myself unnecessarily. I mean, what? This is what I DO. I take care of things. I take care of people. I make bad things go away, I see problems coming & sidestep them & I'M DOING IT FOR YOU, don't you SEE that????? Don't you APPRECIATE what I am doing here??

Once I had this awareness I learned to take a moment when a situation arose & ask myself, do I WANT to do this? Do I feel like I NEED to? Why? What is going to come of this? Am I doing it to minimize someone else's trouble (someone, who, as a grown adult was capable of making this decision for themselves)? Was I trying to stop the natural consequences? Was I realllllly going to be impacted as much as I thought if I just let it go? What was the worst thing that could REALLY happen?

You'll figure out what works for you; now that you've seen it you can't UN-see it, right?

Christopher1

Thanks Firesprite for talking about that-think(no,I KNOW) that focusing on anothers problems is a way of avoiding yourself-the irony is,how the h..l can I hope to "fix "another when I need to do that for myself,stands to reason you end up doing more harm than good.If nothing else,this will help me to think more about what I'm doing/saying and the real reasons and hopefully attending to that will help me to make some changes-it's not an instant fix ,it's a start-you're so right'you can't "unknow" something once you see it.Thank you ;I'm grateful for this site ,the people here bring so much to it.

Christopher1

May I ask you something-you said your friends husband "spends his life in a ptsd "fog"- could you explain that to me (if you come back to this thread).Thanks FireSprite.

FireSprite

Sure - but I'm not any kind of expert with this stuff, I just know what he shared with me. He said his therapist explained it to him like this:

Most of the time when people suffer from PTSD it is due to specific events happening. The most common example we can all relate to is a soldier that goes off to war & then still suffers from the effects of living in that war zone, well after being discharged & going back to their "normal" lives. The events (war) create a marker in time for them so they can relate to the difference between "now/after war" & "then/before war", emotionally. They can sense the difference even if they can't identify it fully. So there's a sense of right/wrong, if that sounds reasonable. ("I never felt this way as a kid, growing up, these same triggers didn't bother me.") They have an expectation of what "normal" is because they've experienced it before.

For him, his abuse started when he was a very, very small child. His older sister was abused so badly that she suffered brain damage when she was less than 2 yrs old. For him there IS no before & after to measure, it just IS because it has always been that way. So even though he has all the same kinds of symptoms of someone with PTSD, it isn't tied to any one event in his life; there is no touchstone in his mind for him to compare now & then. Instead he is basically learning everything all over again - about how to interact with others, how to recognize his fight or flight instincts when they trigger, how to hold his anger, etc. He can't stop caretaking for his sister & now his wife, even though he resents the hell out of both of them for needing him that way. (They don't! He just *thinks* they do because it has always been that way in his mind & because that is his role, it's a big part of how he internally defines himself in his own ego.... he is the Protector.)

And when there are no issues, no problems, no drama? Oh wow, does he go off the deep end. He can't relate to a life without chaos or struggle because THAT is what feels "normal" to him. When things are good & wife & kids are happy, he gets increasingly agitated the longer it goes & eventually finds a way to create drama to relieve the tension he feels. As silly as it may sound, his anger comforts & calms him.

I hope my armchair psychologist's way of explaining this isn't too confusing!

NYCDoglvr

This was a biggie for me to see. The other person was also a way for me to avoid dealing with my own character defects. It's so much easier to point the finger at someone else than looking at my own screwed up thinking.

Christopher1

[QUOTE=FireSprite .") They have an expectation of what "normal" is because they've experienced it before.)[/QUOTE]

You explained it all to me very accurately and clearly;that is how it is and how it feels when there have never been any "markers"in someones life.It's difficult to explain the emotions I am having right now.

suncatcher

Christopher1, it sounds like you are gaining a lot of insight and that is very healthy on your part. I did the caretaking thing too with axbf and felt resentment when I wasn't appreciated for everything I did for him. Coming here made me realize I was hurting him and myself by helping him so much. Detaching helped me. At first he got hostile when I detached. He actually noticed! He still gets hostile sometimes but I don't react. We have a pretty good friendship now. I am in control of my emotions and take care of myself now. It was very freeing to let it go...All the worrying and caretaking and reacting to his negative behavior...I just let it all go. It took me a while but I got there. Good job on your progress! Glad you are here.

Christopher1

Thanks Suncatcher,took me a while to see that maybe it won't be the end of the world if I do just that-takes practise(old habits and all that!) Hard though to accept I could have been doing her an injustice (how can you survive without my "help")-that'll be my ego then?!