Feeling sad -- trying not to
 

DS turns 10 shortly, and that is amazing and fun and wonderful, just like he is. This is one of the 2 times a year we hear from his father, AXH; the other time being Christmas. He e-mails to ask if he can drop a present off at my work for DS. I respond 'OK, leave it at the front desk and they'll send it up.' (It's a secure building so he can't get past the front desk.) He leaves it. I bring it home to DS.

Same thing this year. DS gets to wait 2 days, though, to open it. DS got silly wondering about what it could be, and went on to skip around and sing, "Grandma spoils me rotten! Grandpa and Grandma spoil me rotten! Auntie spoils me rotten! Dad spoils me rotten! Only you and Uncle don't spoil me rotten. Dad spoils me!!"

*sigh* I know it's not my job as Momma and the only parent involved in raising him to "spoil" him. And I know that even if I could, I wouldn't. My family does dote on him. They spend so much time with him, doing things, hanging out, baking or building things with him/us; gifts on special occasions. So, they do spoil him, in a rather good way, IMO.

But.... He hasn't seen his dad in over 2.5 years. Just presents dropped off. Presents that are so out of sync with how old DS is and what he likes. No calls. No working on his addiction and issues in order to win visitation back. Presents twice a year. And DS feels that's being spoiled.

I smiled, hugged him and joked back that he's a rotten kid, alright. But now that he's in bed, I want to cry. But maybe I shouldn't? If DS thinks that's good and being spoiled, should I be glad that he's ok with that? I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm just sad. Thanks for listening. ((((hugs))))

I can certainly understand how you must feel but it's also so nice to read what a solid family life your son has. He sounds soooooo cute.

You're are doing a great job. Be proud of that.

I think you would hate for your son to run around an sing the truth. My daddy is an alcohol and drinking is only true love!

His version is much better.....true or not.

hey theuncertainty, it's a compliment when they take you for granted. I know it doesn't feel that way of course.

I think that if he feels his dad spoils him rotten, let him live that fantasy for right now. It hurts you -- I know -- but soon enough, he will realize that presents twice a year isn't spoiling someone rotten. It's a tough journey, to get from "why didn't Dad want me?" to "Dad is a sick man and it's got nothing to do with me" -- and he will probably take it, eventually.

But for right now, just let him enjoy the little attention his dad pays to him. Even though it hurts.

Thank you, all. I'm still feeling a bit puny.

I get the DS taking me for granted part, or at least I understand it. I completely recognize that I take my parents for granted sometimes... and that I'm lucky that I can.

IDK. I guess, I'm just wondering if he remembers what it was like to live with his dad, or if he's forgotten it. He was so little. If he has forgotten, is that a good thing? (and honestly a bit of future-tripping is involved for me, too: If he doesn't remember, is he going to be mad at me for his dad not coming around.) All questions that no one else can answer and I'm hesitating to bring up the topic of his dad's alcoholism again right now. Not very happy birthday-ish.

It helps a lot to be able to just throw it out there with people who get why I'm off balance. (And LoveMeNow, yep. :) He's adorable and smart and kind and completely goofy sometimes. Which is lovely to see because he was so very quiet when we lived with his dad and was still a bit reserved until the past few years.)

Thanks, again. ((((hugs))))

Enjoy your child. He sounds amazing.

In my opinion u did an awesome job to have him saying that about his dad. It's because of u that he feels that way. Would u be happy if he was saying all I got from my loser dad was this??? You have done exactly what u were suppose to do as a loving mother.

Stand and be proud.

It's always hard (emotionally) to be the caring, responsible parent. You son is 10 years old and he knows nothing of those things. Right now, getting presents and getting his way makes him happy. That will change as he gets older.

There will come a time when he will look back and realize that YOU were the one who took care of him best. You saw to his needs and made sure he ate and brushed his teeth and washed behind his ears. He loves you now, but when he gets a bit older, he will love you even more, with so much gratitude mixed in. I promise you this. (((HUGS)))

You guys make me cry. (in a good way) :) Thank you for the encouragement.

Totally agree.

Just because I'm ok being in the minority I'll take it even further.... though I doubt this will be a popular opinion.

I have used these kinds of situations to create teaching moments with DD. 10 isn't too young to grasp the difference between being treated with respect or not... we TEACH them this & expect them to comply with respectful behavior toward their elders, teachers, etc. I personally think it messes with their definitions of normal to continue to let them believe stuff like this.

That's not to say I'd beat him over the head with bad-talk about his dad, but I'd gently open up the topic by asking what DS's definition of spoiled is & take it from there. Any time I've ever approached a topic with DD like this I use HER opinions to guide the conversation & it shows me where her thought process is at. She typically asks a lot of questions as well & it opens up a dialogue.

Here's why it concerns me - this is when their foundation of Self is being laid down. This is the basis for what they will consider acceptable from others going forward in life. So will he consider it ok for his friends to largely ignore him & then make up for it with a grand gesture? Will that carry over into how he allows his future spouse to treat him?

You're a great mom & he KNOWS it. We talk all the time about mitigating the damage done to our kids when they grow up with an alcoholic parent & I think allowing them to live in a fantasy world perpetuates the dysfunction. We can't always expect them to just wake up one day & suddenly "get it".

I do want to make it clear though - I'm not advocating smack-talk or any kind of dialogue that is outside of DS's comfort zone/maturity/ability to understand. I just think that like us, they need baby steps to heal & sometimes we have to do stuff like this in order to help them accept reality a little bit at a time. JMHO

Thank you, FireSprite. I really appreciate the pointer on how to bring up the topic. I'm realizing that I'm still kind of afraid to bring up subjects touching on AXH's lack of attention to DS because AXH might twist the idea of the dicussion around to 'she's bashing me to my son'. Which, I know is an unfounded worry, because AXH hasn't even tried to talk to DS, so he would never know that any discussion took place. And even if he did, it wouldn't be anything he could use if I truly don't approach it that way. 2.5 years, with proof that he couldn't do it during the divorce, and I'm still worried he'll follow through on his threats to find a way to take DS away so I'd never see him again....

But the day was DS's day. We spent the afternoon after school at the museum walking through the Brick by Brick Lego exhibit, dinner with family, stories of little DS and little cousins, listening to him play and laugh with his cousins. His favorite dessert, and being showered with love and attention by family. It was a lovely day. :)

the uncertainty, you are providing him with the plain wholemeal nutritious stuff of life which will be his bedrock, no matter what the future holds. (Except on annual occasions when he gets birthday cake). One day he'll look back at his father with the eyes of an adult, and you don't need to say a word.

When my kids were young and teased me for being boring, I told them it was my job, and I meant it.