75 days and counting!

Old 10-14-2014, 11:33 AM
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75 days and counting!

It's been 75 days since my first meeting and I'm telling you folks my alanon story. Giving an update...

The 3 cs. First thing I learned on this site and it ultimately held me together for about 6 years of posting here.

I didn't cause it.
I can't cure it.
I can't control it.

For those of you who are new and those who know my background, make your own choices, take what you want and leave the rest.

Those 3 Cs helped then and they still do now. I kept coming here and posting my life events and got what I needed. I also kept reading posts about alanon and said, yeah, I'll go some day. Here's the difference. I kept posting the same damn stories. Every year! Those folks talking about Alanon weren't. They were posting progress. Big small. Forward. Yes, backwards. They were changing and I wasn't. My ego was large and in charge. I can see that ego now and I can hear it talking and thinking and feeling and killing. I guess I finally knocked my ego out cold for 1 hour, 1 day. I finally ponied up and went to a meeting. There's a thread in here somewhere about it. Man I was so full of fear. Of what? A solid dose of compassion and understanding from a stranger that probably loves me more in 1 hour then I have for myself in 40 years? Having played both sides of the fence, I'll take that strangers love over my broken methods any ole day. I can only pray that feeling for those who don't know.

Here's what I've learned and this isn't even close to the tip of the iceberg. Hell, I'm still in tropical waters far as that analogy goes. I go more than once a week and I'm still an infant in a world of giants and they all tell the same stories we read about here. Like I said, I've told similar stories for the day in some cases! No lie.

Nothing I do to control my alcoholic wife worked. Nothing! Guess what?
The only thing that works is realizing my role in the drama and getting my own **** together. Until I started doing that, I was rotting away. Now I didn't cause her ism but I can honesty tell you that I never gave her the dignity to figure out her own crap and that only made the gap bigger. I became self aware of my role in the game. I didn't figure that out until I started listening to some of these double winners with 30+ years of AA under their belt and another 30 years of Alanon. Friggen goldmine of wisdom. They're here on this site and I love them all! To see one in person though. Phew! They just oooooooze serenity and I want some of that.

Those alanoners never beat me up for going or not. They just loved to see me and they always welcomed me back. They always told me to keep coming back and it'd work if I worked it and I'm worth it.

That said, my first meeting was an All Men's closed Alanon group. There's some serious dudes in there. While they didn't beat me up, they challenged me just like any good man with 60 years of recovery would do and the 1 statement they made that got me to come back is as follows:
They knew I had a son. They asked if he was safe. I said yes. What protective father wouldn't? They asked if my wife ever drank and drive. I said yes. Why wouldn't I? I hated her drunk driving episodes. Then they told me that my son is not safe. There was no emotion to it. They simply stated a fact that I wasn't ready to hear until they said it right then and there. What'd I do? I did 6 meetings in 6 days and I kept coming back. I realized that I wasn't a part of the solution, my insanity was about to kill me and my kids life was at risk. He's worth it and so am I. Here's the kicker. A few fine folks on this board challenged me in very similar ways and I simply wasn't ready to listen to them. Sorry guys.

Here I sit, taking babysteps....Doing a little inventory of me. Almost 40 years later, I'm an adult child of alcoholic parents and I married one. I never knew what a normal life is. Like I said above, I'm still an infant in the program. I get my pants changed every-time I work the program. The good and sad part is that I'm just starting to realize how far behind I am on the curve of normalcy and even in my own recovery I'm terribly insane. At least I know that now and I'm really good with that progress so far.

That's my story and I take my life day by day, minute by minute and I show up to Alanon every week and I always make a little progress.

As far as me and the RAW goes, I still have a ton of work to do in my department and I'm sure she does too. We both have a program. We've only now started to speak to each other. It can get real strange and uncomfortable and it ain't a bag of peaches but when we're able to get out of each others way, we actually have some incredible moments as couple. Whatever path we're on together only progresses when we first go our own way.

She earned her 60 day chip in AA a few weeks ago, has a sponsor and works her own program. I'm more proud and have more love for her now for doing something for herself than I ever did when she did what I asked/begged/pleaded her to do for me. That' not her job just like it ain't mine.

It's been 75 days since my first meeting. I know what day it was and while they don't give out coins in any alanon meetings I attend, I pay attention to my own mental sobriety these days, irregardless of what my wife is doing and it works!

Thanks for not only the 3Cs but for all you fine folks that kept mentioning Alanon.
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Old 10-14-2014, 11:51 AM
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That is remarkable, and thank you so much for sharing.
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Old 10-14-2014, 11:57 AM
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It's been 75 days since my first meeting. I know what day it was and while they don't give out coins in any alanon meetings I attend, I pay attention to my own mental sobriety these days, irregardless of what my wife is doing and it works!
Woohooo!!!!! Good for you, Shellcrusher!!!
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Old 10-14-2014, 12:11 PM
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Awesome share! So happy you both are finding recovery and working it as best as you day at a time!
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Old 10-14-2014, 01:08 PM
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So nice to read a success story once in a while. You both hang in there!
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