paula a.

I'm tired of being surrounded by alcoholics.
I'm tired of dealing with having a perfectly nice day then saying the wrong thing and feeling the mood shift.
I'm tired of saying I don't want to argue and then being forced to stand there and listen to a bunch of drunken b.s.
I'm tired of his nasty little remarks.
I'm tired of being married and completely alone.
I'm tired of hearing I drink so much because of you.
I'm tired of being told I would have nothing if it wasn't for him.
I'm tired of him throwing my parents lives in my face when he is EXACTLY LIKE THEM.
I'm tired of being told that I am a rotten parent, when these kids are the nicest, most respectful kids I've seen, do you think they were born that way???
I'm tired of his mother walking into my house and acting like it's my fault that her son drinks. "you have to tell him that's enough, you just let him do it", as if I have ANY say in the matter.
I'm tired of being the only parent involved in swimming lessons and volleyball, while he lays on the couch hung over, and then have to listen to him tell me how horrible I am if I miss a game or a practice because I have a work related meeting.
I'm tired re-arranging my entire life so I can be available to drive his ass everywhere.
I'm tired of spending the entire day looking for something good in him, for something to give me hope, when there isn't any.
I'm tired of feeling stupid.
I'm tired of feeling unattractive.
I'm tired of being taken advantage of.

My sponsor tells me I should wait at least six months, maybe a year into my recovery before I make any big changes in my life. I've been praying for the strength to do that. I don't know if I can. Somebody help me, please.

Paula

Gabe

Whoa Paula, time out. Big time out.
You need to start making time for you in your life.
Take that cute puppy of yours for a long walk.
Go shopping and buy yourself something wonderful.
Rent a movie and check out on life for a while.
Whatever it is that you do that recharges your batteries, do some of it.
And stop listening to what he's telling you. It's drunkspeak and it means NOTHING.
You are a good person and you deserve to be happy.
Big hugs,
Gabe

Lorelai

(((Paula)))
I know that you know this. Some (not all) of your "I'm tired" statements are within your control. You can and should set boundaries for them.

My personal opinion re the 6-month, year thing. I think that people come to Alanon at different levels. It took me about a week to "get" the detachment thing, the "powerless" thing because I already knew it. I just had to stop denying it. For some people, it may take months because they aren't in the same place.

Everyone is different. Everyone has their own pace. This thing is not run by a calendar where you can put a big red circle on a date 6 months from now and know that's the day it will all drop into place. This thing is run by you - wonderful, huh?
L

Magichappens

Paula,
When I focus on all the negative, I get negative. I make a positive list. There will always be negatives around me. I don't have to choose to get caught up in them. There are always positives around me. Try a positive list. Hugs, Magic

paula a.

Thanks you guys. I go along so strong and well for awhile and then WHAM it all hits me like a ton of bricks. I need to find a way to level out these peaks and valleys. Right now I just want to pack up my kids and anything I can carry and run away.

I missed my horsey rides this week and I think it's showing, time to get on the phone and see if my friend can go tonight.

Paula

Cap3

Hi Paula,you,know the truth.
Others know only what they think.But they do not know.
You do.
Recovery is an inside, job..When i stop putting so much emphises on what others say and do,,and focus on my recovery,i began to heal,one day at a time...
My heart goes out to you.Ive been where you are for many years.But i had to let go,of all of it.I was driving myself,,nuts over all of it...people pointing fingers at me,,blaming me for his drinking.And him,,...well you know...smile...I let it go.All of that stuff.Had to,if i ever was going to survive.Sick people dont behave as if well.heard this at a meeting.This helps me alot..My expectations,,,out da window too.And just kept doing the do things in program,,one day at a time.One day,,..is like a montra to me,,when things were going bersek at our home.One day at a time.
Thanks for sharring.
it helps to get it all out.A problem shared,,is cut in half..
keep on keeping on.In fellowship,you are no longer all alone...

paula a.

Thanks again everyone. I went riding tonight and came home and watched the sunset, it was beautiful. It helps to take a few minutes and see the beauty in this world. My batteries are getting a little re-charged, by tomorrow I'll be good again.
Hugs to all of you!
Paula