He's Making Me Insane. Help please
 

I need some insight from someone further along than me.

He continues to provide me with information that I don’t care about. Trying to pull me in to personal conversation. It’s making me crazy.

I made the mistake of asking him if he had the billing information for one of the bills (I have been calling and calling customer service with no luck) I could have just waited for the bill to come, but I was anxious to get my financials in order so instead of waiting for the bill I made the huge mistake of opening a can of worms by asking him for the information which lead into 12 email exchanges. He pulled me in and like a puppet I was lead by the nose.

Comments and question from him that are based out of pure manipulation in an attempt to pull me in. Then he brought up the catholic school and how next year she will go to public school because he doesn’t want my parents paying for it and we went down that road (he is running out of material, so naturally the next thing is to cause drama about the school – sooo text book) – this stemming from “do you have the billing information for such and such”

Wednesday is his dinner date and he has a conflict. What I want to hear is “I might not be able to keep my dinner date Wednesday, I will let you know” But NOOOOO I have to hear why (personal information) and THEN he asks me “my thoughts” as if I am supposed to help him figure out his conflict or fix his situation by providing alternative ideas.

Then he texts me this morning and tells me that the electricity for the house that closes tomorrow has been terminated and is under the new owners name. Unnecessary. I think any idiot could surmise that the utility bills will now be under the new owners name. If I am really that stupid, there are realtors that are getting paid to provide me with this information.

He has been texting me about the closing and the check and providing me with information about how to obtain the check, who to call, signing the closing papers, how I don’t have to be there. I know all of this – how? Because the REALTOR tells me. It is making me INSANE. IN-SANE.

I have started typing back (about the dinner date tomorrow with the girls) and then I stop because I don’t know if I am walking back into his trap. Part of me wants to ignore his “your thoughts? “email and just wait for him to either confirm dinner or cancel dinner– and part of me thinks I should respond “let me know if you are taking them” but that will lead into him responding back and just keeping it all going.

Part of me wants to respond and tell him that I have no interest in hearing anything else from him other than – I have to cancel/reschedule or I am picking them up. And for him to cease communicating any other information to me.

I know what I want to do. I want to blast him to kingdom come and light him on fire.

But I’m trying to see what a “healthy recovering non-codie” person would do and how they would handle this.

I would either not respond at all, or my route is the just respond with a short thanks. That is what I do now if my X is telling me something I don't know. He lost his job and asked me if Iknow how to file the unemployment (yes, I do, I did it for him in the past). I told him I was sure if he calls the office they can help him. I politely push him away. That is what works for me.

As far as personal stuff, I would not respond at all.

Just my .02. XXX

I'm not sure if my rage is a good thing or a bad thing.

I need to blast him. I feel very blastful.

LOL...I like the term blastful. I am going to remember that.

I decided when my leg is healed enough I am going to take a kickboxing class with my friend. I feel blastful sometimes too, I figure if I can get some fitness in while I am blasting that would be a good thing!

Live and learn!

Deep breaths. I know how you feel. btdt.

Disengage. Once you can detach and disengage he can dump that crazy on your doorstep (or in your inbox) but you don't have to pick it up!

I learned that I could not ask him anything (like with the bill). No matter how simply and innocuous it will turn into exactly what you experienced every time. When he tries to draw you into the give/take do not respond. If he asks you your thoughts - ignore. It is a trap anyway. If you feel you need to acknowledge that you received an email simply reply and delete out everything except the part that says he might not make it on Wed. and reply with "OK". Ignore the rest.

I learned the hard way that I had to completely disengage from visitation. Life became so so much easier and more peaceful for me and my kids. I emailed him a schedule set up by the courts. Yes that caused a firestorm of baiting emails but I ignored them all. I re-sent that email (without a word) every single time he said he didn't know what was what. I quit contacting him to verify arrangements, coordinate things, discuss times or transportation, accommodations - nothing. I just made no plans on his days (actually I made some at home family plans so I could distract my kids so they weren't staring out the window or calling him constantly when he didn't show). I did not make any of my own plans so if he came or not was not a hardship for me. If I needed something - I hired a babysitter. To this day (he is sober now) he still tries to get me to be involved in arranging his visitation (which consisted of 12 days this summer) and I refused. I don't even talk to him anymore - how the hell am I supposed to figure out which days he should take off work? It is nuts.

Sort of an unrelated tip - I created one large email that had every bit of information he would ever need related to the kids. (Was part of our court order that I share info). All contact info he'd ever need. School info. Babysitters, coaches, Doctors, dentists, orthodontists. I created a separate photobucket account and uploaded pictures in there from time to time (this was a big 'thing' he'd harp on) and this email included web address and passwords, School calendar links, we have a campus portal to check grades, name and contact info for the local newspaper, you can access medical info on line for the specialists my kids see so he has the password to that, and any other bit of info he would harp on. It was a huge thing he'd get crazy over - these tiny details about every school event or community activity. We have four kids. To provide a blow by blow of every tiny activity etc. would be a full time job and never make him happy anyway. He can call the school and ask about a grade just as easy as I can, he can look at the calendar himself, and with the email he has no excuse to say I'm not giving him info. He wants to go to an IEP - call the school. You want to go to an appointment - show up - the appointments are listed on line 3 months in advance. Call the doctor - you are a parent - they will talk to you. I'm not your personal secretary. Anytime he had a complaint or bitched about me not sharing - I'd simply resend that email without a word. I bet I sent it a hundred times but it only took 3 seconds it was so slick and easy to do and I was holding up my end 100%. FWIW it was not about the kids and him knowing what they were doing - it was about playing games with me. I doubt he's ever utilized one word, one link, one contact on that list.

Blast him -- in a long angry e-mail where you tell him exactly how you feel. But don't send it. That's my solution. :)

I kinda LOVE this. A LOT.
:scoregood

Can you (I am asking out of selfishness to know how to do this with my insane xAH too) explain what you sent by way of a calendar to him? You said he could see appts on line months in advance... Did you use a calendar you added info to?

My horrid xAH expects me to be his social secretary too and the court has sympathy for his poor me BS despite my endlessly providing him dates of things for our kids.

Thumper do you mean like a template email that I just can resend? Hmm.. something like this –

As per the custody agreement you are entitled to Dinner from 5 to 7 on Wednesday and every other weekend blah blah.

If you cannot keep this commitment please let me know by simply responding that you are unable. something something??

School calendar of activities is online at the school website so it was that link. I scanned and attached sports schedules etc.

Our towns newspaper is only $35 a year so he can order his own for community activities. Included the phone number.

We have school reach which is an automated phone call that tells about closures and last minute updates. I added his number to the list at the beginning of the year.

Campus portal is something our school has and it shows all grades, assignments, tardies, behavior reports etc. on-line. I included the link and password.

Our Children's clinic has an on-line "My Chart" where lab results, medications, and schedule appointments are located. Sometimes doctors notes. You can communicate via email through there as well. There is a link and password.

I created a google calendar for visitation and it was based off the court ordered visitation schedule. Our visitation schedule was the standard that the state has online so I included a link to that in the email. You can share google calendars and I had the link/password for that and I also mailed him a hard copy of the google calendar.

Yes except mine was just the links and passwords. I did not include any commentary. He knows what the custody agreement is. The calendar just had his name or mine on the appropriate days. I quit telling him what to do regarding his commitments. It led to epic arguments. Adults know they are to contact people when they can't keep an appointment. My 8yo knows that. If they are not the type to do that, me reminding them to do it isn't going to make any difference at all. It is just poking the bear.

We are notorious for inviting drama in then expecting it to me anything other then what it always was.

Not that you intentionally invited drama but the results of his behavior are very well known to you and must always be kept first and for most in your mind.

You opened the can of “information worms” by asking him about something other than the children so he is responding back with same, electricity, check, closing. Kind of like you opened up a conversation and he’s responding.

I wouldn’t email him and say per the custody agreement – he already knows what the agreement is. I would simply send a separate email not a reply one but a brand new one and say – let me know your intentional regarding this coming Wednesday night with the children. That way none of his nonsense is part of it.

It's a good example of why you should maintain no contact.

Drop your end of it and it ends.

One of the things I've been working at is leaving issues to settle in their own time- meaning just because I have a PITA thing coming up in a month or so doesn't mean I HAVE to get on solving it now in a big rush to get it out of the way. I've been learning that if its something I can just leave alone until action is needed quite often its resolved or changes to something more easily addressed in the meantime.

In effect, its the difference between reacting and responding. I have often reacted to a PITA by aggressively pursing a solution right now and getting wrapped up in the annoyance etc. In comparison a paced response feels unusual but a lot less stressful.

There was a lady who shared in my alanon homegroup a couple months ago- she said she makes it her business that NOTHING (her emphasis) gets between her and her serenity. Trying to make that my motto.

Thank you everyone in this thread. This is exactly what I needed to hear right now.

It re-iterated what I already know, to mention to AH a household problem that has just come up would be to raise a small problem into a massive one!

Don't go there, just quietly sort it out myself. Which can be done by one phone call. Whereas if AH gets involved he will turn it into problem of the century! Blown up and picked over for hours!! Seen as personal. Roll eyes!

schnapp - you are so right. There was no good reason why I could not just wait for the bil. It wasn't late. And this is really going to get you guys going but it's actually paid ahead. This was my issue. And I should have talked about ME not him and his reactions as if I am powerless because I'm not.

And even if the bill was late and if I did not have the information at the exact minute I wanted it - I actually think a $25.00 late fee would have been a very small price to pay in exchange for my blastful mood yesterday.

$25 for peace of mind is cheap at the price... :) No sweat meggem we all have slips, changing this stuff take practice.