"Thawing out"
 

I have just been in an insane state of rage toward RAH since he came home 3 weeks ago. It has been so bad at times, I have wanted to physically hurt him, although I would never really do that. Anything he does or says makes me hopping mad. And we are around each other all the time. Hes not working now and I only work 4 days a week in the evenings, so we are together WAY too much.

I shared this distressing situation last night at Al Anon, and afterward, one of the old timers (who is a double winner) just hugged me and said, "Its ok, you are just thawing out." I was like, "Huh?" And she said she had a therapist tell her that once. That when you are dealing with active addiction it is not safe to express your feelings about how their behavior has affected you. You are just in survival. So it builds up and builds up and once the person gets sober or you are out of the situation and it is "safe" the floodgates open and you are forced to feel all those feelings, basically at once. So yeah, I am thawing out.

I have felt very bad about this, wishing I had some more distance between myself and RAH. I yell at him a lot. I shake with rage. I demand to know why he did x or y. I want him to "make it up to me". All the behavior. But he can't. The only thing he can do is not do those things anymore, or I can choose to not stay in a situation where those things have a possibility of happening again. There is no one who can pay me back for this. Not the way I want. And that makes me madder.

I don't think you should feel bad about it. Personally I think it is healthy to feel the anger and let it out rather than bottling it and letting it fester. That isn't healthy for anyone.

You have to recover from all this too. It just isn't all about us recovering, what we put our families thru, they have to recover from it too.

You can feel it, own it, deal with it and then let it go. How you are feeling is normal in my honest opinion.

I think you alanon friend hit the nail on the head. I also agree you are spending way too much time together. I would say he needs to find some things to be doing while he is not working, and you need to find some things you enjoy away from him.

XXX

It's fall. Good time for long walks on your own. And while you walk, you can tell "him" all those things -- about how mad you are at him for doing x, y, and z, and how you don't understand how he could.

Because you're probably gonna get answers as good from the wind as you are from him.

It sounds like a really good time to deliberately spend time apart and work on your respective recoveries. (((hugs)))

I'm so sorry....I feel the same, and he isn't even close to sober.

Hang in there - exercise and meditation are helping me expel all that hateful energy somewhat. Don't get me wrong, there are days I joyfully envision his head exploding in front of me.....but a long drive, and exercising like a crazy person are helping me purge it. Take care - sending peace and hope to you both.

This makes so much sense to me! I'm with you. Hugs and hang in there

"Thawing out"? Yeah, that's what I've been doing the last 4 months but I didn't have a good name for it. Glad I have one now! Thanks for posting.

Now, almost two and a half years out of living with my now XAH, I remember what you are feeling.

And later, what became clearer to me, was that beneath my rage at him, was deep anger with myself for letting this happen to me.

As I have been working through this, I have gained great insight about myself and why I tolerated such treatment, and it is leading me slowly to serenity.

ShootingStar1