New here, almost two years with my alcoholic
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Plains
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New here, almost two years with my alcoholic
I've been dealing with this for a couple of years now.
I think it began when I agreed to take my wife out dancing at bars. I basically had never danced in my life, but with the nest empty, and her wanted me to do it, I took the plunge.
Of course, with dancing at a bar, came the drinks. We were very infrequent drinkers up to that point. Experimented with a bottle of wine at dinner once in a while. At the bars, she began drinking 'vodka red bulls' at the recommendation of a friend. Something about them not causing hangovers.
Pretty much every time we went out, she got drunk. I was always the designated driver, made sure we got home safe. It all seemed pretty innocent, getting drunk every other week or so.
Some time after we began going out, I found her in a 'funny mood' one evening when I came home from work. I honestly didn't know what the deal was, until it happened again, and I realized, she was drinking at home.
After a couple of times, I confronted her about it. She acknowledged it wasn't right, and said she'd stop. Not having any past experience with alcoholism, I guess I didn't realize what I was in for.
A couple of weeks or so pass, and it happens again. Early on, I would confront her when she was drunk, and soon realized that was not a good thing to do, she'd respond, saying that she'd just leave me along, asked if I wanted a divorce.
By morning, she was sober and apologetic about what happened. But it would happen again. My mission soon became eradicating all alcohol from the house. Oh, and it wasn't just wine or anything. She was drinking straight vodka.
As time went by, she began to hide it. Filling water bottles with it, hidden all over the house. Everywhere from behind pictures, to pockets of jackets in the closet, in the bin full of dog food, more and more difficult to find as time went on.
For some reason, driving while drunk hadn't cross my mind until it was too late. One day I came home, and two tires of our convertible were blown out, she drove into the garage on two rims. I haven't taken it to the shop yet, I'm guessing it may be totaled. No visible body damage, but the strut was so severely slammed when she apparently hit a curb, and the force went through a brace under the hood, and cracked the windshield. Thinking the frame may be bent.
From that point on, she's basically been a prisoner in our house. I won't let her have any car keys. I was foolish enough, to think after two weeks of her being sober, that she would be cured. I let her drive another car, and upon coming home that evening, found a hub cap missing, and her drunk inside the house.
It's obviously been a miracle that she hasn't killed herself or someone else. So, I haven't allowed her to drive again since (couple of months now). Next thing I know, she rides a bike to the bank and convenient store, and uses our college aged son's account to withdraw money to buy more with (I had confiscated her credit cards as well).
She acknowledges a problem, but says she will not do any kind of rehab/see a doctor.
I probably put her life in jeopardy, but ordered prescription 'Acamprol' from overseas. After a couple of days on it this past weekend, she said she was feeling better, and in control. But I came home this evening to find her drunk again. Apparently still more alcohol in the house. Every time she gets really drunk, the next morning she shows me the bottle that she 'emptied out'. But it is obvious, that she's just been transferring it to other bottles around the house.
I went to one Al-Anon meeting, and I'm sure folks here are going to beat me up over it, but I'm not ready to give in to the idea that there's nothing I can do about this. So that's where I'm at... becoming increasingly frustrated, but still intent on trying everything I can to help her stop.
Oh, and yes.. I know this is one of the worst violations of the Al-Anon concepts... I've been covering for her at every opportunity. Our daughter knows that she's been drunk... but is probably not aware to the extent her mother is an alcoholic. My youngest son probably knows there's been something wrong with her on a few occasions. My oldest son has been away at college for several years, doesn't know anything. I did recently give in and share the situation with my own mother. Of course she is more worried about me than my wife.
So, tee it up and tell me how I'm going about it all wrong. I know that's the prevailing thinking.
I think it began when I agreed to take my wife out dancing at bars. I basically had never danced in my life, but with the nest empty, and her wanted me to do it, I took the plunge.
Of course, with dancing at a bar, came the drinks. We were very infrequent drinkers up to that point. Experimented with a bottle of wine at dinner once in a while. At the bars, she began drinking 'vodka red bulls' at the recommendation of a friend. Something about them not causing hangovers.
Pretty much every time we went out, she got drunk. I was always the designated driver, made sure we got home safe. It all seemed pretty innocent, getting drunk every other week or so.
Some time after we began going out, I found her in a 'funny mood' one evening when I came home from work. I honestly didn't know what the deal was, until it happened again, and I realized, she was drinking at home.
After a couple of times, I confronted her about it. She acknowledged it wasn't right, and said she'd stop. Not having any past experience with alcoholism, I guess I didn't realize what I was in for.
A couple of weeks or so pass, and it happens again. Early on, I would confront her when she was drunk, and soon realized that was not a good thing to do, she'd respond, saying that she'd just leave me along, asked if I wanted a divorce.
By morning, she was sober and apologetic about what happened. But it would happen again. My mission soon became eradicating all alcohol from the house. Oh, and it wasn't just wine or anything. She was drinking straight vodka.
As time went by, she began to hide it. Filling water bottles with it, hidden all over the house. Everywhere from behind pictures, to pockets of jackets in the closet, in the bin full of dog food, more and more difficult to find as time went on.
For some reason, driving while drunk hadn't cross my mind until it was too late. One day I came home, and two tires of our convertible were blown out, she drove into the garage on two rims. I haven't taken it to the shop yet, I'm guessing it may be totaled. No visible body damage, but the strut was so severely slammed when she apparently hit a curb, and the force went through a brace under the hood, and cracked the windshield. Thinking the frame may be bent.
From that point on, she's basically been a prisoner in our house. I won't let her have any car keys. I was foolish enough, to think after two weeks of her being sober, that she would be cured. I let her drive another car, and upon coming home that evening, found a hub cap missing, and her drunk inside the house.
It's obviously been a miracle that she hasn't killed herself or someone else. So, I haven't allowed her to drive again since (couple of months now). Next thing I know, she rides a bike to the bank and convenient store, and uses our college aged son's account to withdraw money to buy more with (I had confiscated her credit cards as well).
She acknowledges a problem, but says she will not do any kind of rehab/see a doctor.
I probably put her life in jeopardy, but ordered prescription 'Acamprol' from overseas. After a couple of days on it this past weekend, she said she was feeling better, and in control. But I came home this evening to find her drunk again. Apparently still more alcohol in the house. Every time she gets really drunk, the next morning she shows me the bottle that she 'emptied out'. But it is obvious, that she's just been transferring it to other bottles around the house.
I went to one Al-Anon meeting, and I'm sure folks here are going to beat me up over it, but I'm not ready to give in to the idea that there's nothing I can do about this. So that's where I'm at... becoming increasingly frustrated, but still intent on trying everything I can to help her stop.
Oh, and yes.. I know this is one of the worst violations of the Al-Anon concepts... I've been covering for her at every opportunity. Our daughter knows that she's been drunk... but is probably not aware to the extent her mother is an alcoholic. My youngest son probably knows there's been something wrong with her on a few occasions. My oldest son has been away at college for several years, doesn't know anything. I did recently give in and share the situation with my own mother. Of course she is more worried about me than my wife.
So, tee it up and tell me how I'm going about it all wrong. I know that's the prevailing thinking.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Not going to beat you up with what you already know but as a.recovering alcoholic myself I will tell you that there isnt a single thing you can do to get her to stop. There are millions of people who have tried that and failed. You arent special. You will fail at it as well. The best way to help her is let her fall flat on her face and pray that that works to get her to quit
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
At least take your kids to Alateen. They see more than you think. I grew up with an alcoholic and a "fixer" and it has negatively impacted my life until about a year ago when I began working my own recovery with Alanon and individual therapy.
You can't do anything for your wife, she is an adult making choices. You can help your children. They didn't ask to be in this situation.
You can't do anything for your wife, she is an adult making choices. You can help your children. They didn't ask to be in this situation.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
"I'm sure folks here are going to beat me up over it.."
Were you referring to AlAnon? If they are doing that, then you need to find a different AlAnon group.
I have, after three attempts, found an AlAnon group that works for me. The other two, I encountered a control freak there that wanted to run things, one of which was my sponsor for a while. Both of those individuals tried to get me to work THEIR program. As sick and in pain as I was, I knew I didn't have to put up with being beaten up.
Sometimes we have to "kiss a few frogs" to get the help we need. Right now you need support, not criticism. Best of luck to you!
Were you referring to AlAnon? If they are doing that, then you need to find a different AlAnon group.
I have, after three attempts, found an AlAnon group that works for me. The other two, I encountered a control freak there that wanted to run things, one of which was my sponsor for a while. Both of those individuals tried to get me to work THEIR program. As sick and in pain as I was, I knew I didn't have to put up with being beaten up.
Sometimes we have to "kiss a few frogs" to get the help we need. Right now you need support, not criticism. Best of luck to you!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
No beating anyone up here from me. You will realize in your own time there is not one thing you can do about her drinking. All it has done up until now is cause her to steal from your son from what I can tell.
I will tell you to protect yourself, your assets, and your children. Don't let her be alone with your kids at all if possible. The hurt it will cause them will be big. Alcoholism is progressive, it will get worse since she does not want any sort of help and lies about it. She is deep in denial.
Keep going to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery normally has groups you can take your kids too also. Find a group you click with, you need face to face support. If you are going to stick by this, prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
I am very sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. SR is a place of great support.
I will tell you to protect yourself, your assets, and your children. Don't let her be alone with your kids at all if possible. The hurt it will cause them will be big. Alcoholism is progressive, it will get worse since she does not want any sort of help and lies about it. She is deep in denial.
Keep going to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery normally has groups you can take your kids too also. Find a group you click with, you need face to face support. If you are going to stick by this, prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
I am very sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. SR is a place of great support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
The best thing you can to do to help your wife is to leave her be and take care of yourself and your kids. The more you protect her and cushion her consequences the less incentive she will ever have to change, but I think you know that already. It is counter-intuitive to let someone you love fall down, but if she never falls, she will never learn to pick herself up. You can detach with love and compassion while protecting yourself and your kids from the fallout of her current choices.
I hope you stick around and read a lot and ask questions. No one here will beat you up, even if what they say feels harsh sometimes. It's all coming from experience and concern. Sending you strength, patience and courage.
I hope you stick around and read a lot and ask questions. No one here will beat you up, even if what they say feels harsh sometimes. It's all coming from experience and concern. Sending you strength, patience and courage.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
No one beats anyone else up in the groups I have been to. Most everyone that attends has been where you are. I know that I was. I finally learned that applying logic did not work. My XAH was going to do whatever it took to drink. He drove home drunk as many times as he did sober. Lying was like breathing to him. Finally it was all too much for me and when I had just one sliver of life left I filed for divorce. That was over three years ago and I have not regretted it one day. He's since had DUI's and hospitalizations from falls while drunk. I just could no longer be a part of it. My prayers to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by starsabove 
I've been dealing with this for a couple of years now.
So, tee it up and tell me how I'm going about it all wrong. I know that's the prevailing thinking.
So, tee it up and tell me how I'm going about it all wrong. I know that's the prevailing thinking.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
increasingly frustrated, but still intent on trying everything I can to help her stop.
you gotta basement? you COULD try locking her up down there AFTER going thru TWICE to make sure this is no alcohol hidden in the dark recesses, then chain her to something sturdy like the sewer drain pipe. that MIGHT work. but then you'd have to bring her meals down, and she'd need some type of bucket to relieve herself. oh and you'll want to board up the windows, remove any tools, and check to see that she isn't gnawing her ankle off.
One day I came home, and two tires of our convertible were blown out, she drove into the garage on two rims. I haven't taken it to the shop yet, I'm guessing it may be totaled. No visible body damage, but the strut was so severely slammed when she apparently hit a curb, and the force went through a brace under the hood, and cracked the windshield. Thinking the frame may be bent.
From that point on, she's basically been a prisoner in our house. I won't let her have any car keys. I was foolish enough, to think after two weeks of her being sober, that she would be cured. I let her drive another car, and upon coming home that evening, found a hub cap missing, and her drunk inside the house.
It's obviously been a miracle that she hasn't killed herself or someone else.
except you don't know for SURE that no one else was injured or killed. maybe it was only someone's dog. maybe they haven't found the body in the ditch yet.
i really wish i could give you the solution - the way to FIX her, MAKE her stop. except there isn't one. you can raise the rehab issue again. you can beg, you can beg for your children, you can cut off all funds, you dump out every ounce of booze you come across.....but until SHE is ready....and this part REALLY sucks about addiction, she will find a way to drink. she has shown she has absolutely no pride when it comes to getting her drink. she's willing to rob the kid's college fund.
the scary part is, my friend, it will get worse. she can go lower still. please please do not try to FIND illegal/online medications - you could kill her trying to help her. you are not equipped for this and have no business making someone else take UN prescribed and UN regulated meds. i understand WHY you tried....but that is no more an excuse than any of the excuses she comes up with.
you got to one alanon meeting. those are for YOU by the way. to help YOU find some solid footing. just as we here are also here for YOU. you probably don't like much what i've posted, and that's ok. you're in a tough spot, but you can learn to survive it and not lose yourself entirely. and not lose sight of the child still at home who has NO CHOICE but to live thru this insanity.
you gotta basement? you COULD try locking her up down there AFTER going thru TWICE to make sure this is no alcohol hidden in the dark recesses, then chain her to something sturdy like the sewer drain pipe. that MIGHT work. but then you'd have to bring her meals down, and she'd need some type of bucket to relieve herself. oh and you'll want to board up the windows, remove any tools, and check to see that she isn't gnawing her ankle off.
One day I came home, and two tires of our convertible were blown out, she drove into the garage on two rims. I haven't taken it to the shop yet, I'm guessing it may be totaled. No visible body damage, but the strut was so severely slammed when she apparently hit a curb, and the force went through a brace under the hood, and cracked the windshield. Thinking the frame may be bent.
From that point on, she's basically been a prisoner in our house. I won't let her have any car keys. I was foolish enough, to think after two weeks of her being sober, that she would be cured. I let her drive another car, and upon coming home that evening, found a hub cap missing, and her drunk inside the house.
It's obviously been a miracle that she hasn't killed herself or someone else.
except you don't know for SURE that no one else was injured or killed. maybe it was only someone's dog. maybe they haven't found the body in the ditch yet.
i really wish i could give you the solution - the way to FIX her, MAKE her stop. except there isn't one. you can raise the rehab issue again. you can beg, you can beg for your children, you can cut off all funds, you dump out every ounce of booze you come across.....but until SHE is ready....and this part REALLY sucks about addiction, she will find a way to drink. she has shown she has absolutely no pride when it comes to getting her drink. she's willing to rob the kid's college fund.
the scary part is, my friend, it will get worse. she can go lower still. please please do not try to FIND illegal/online medications - you could kill her trying to help her. you are not equipped for this and have no business making someone else take UN prescribed and UN regulated meds. i understand WHY you tried....but that is no more an excuse than any of the excuses she comes up with.
you got to one alanon meeting. those are for YOU by the way. to help YOU find some solid footing. just as we here are also here for YOU. you probably don't like much what i've posted, and that's ok. you're in a tough spot, but you can learn to survive it and not lose yourself entirely. and not lose sight of the child still at home who has NO CHOICE but to live thru this insanity.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Oh dear, I'm sorry you are going through that. Alcoholism...ugg....just a kick to the groin for all involved isn't it?!
I could guess your kids know more than you think they do - it's worth an honest conversation with them. They are smart, and they know you both very, very well - and they care! Besides....depending on how this is all effecting them, they might need some counseling or alateen themselves.
Also - you CAN help her, by detaching and taking care of yourself and leaving her to it. With any luck, it'll all blow up in her face - the consequences of it all - and she'll decide to fix herself too. You are making it easy on her by covering it up and helping her avoid consequences such ad being broke, a DUI, and even hurting herself. And bonus, you will be a healthier happier you for your efforts.
I imagine seeing my partner get healthier and happier while I wallow in self pity, consequences of addiction, and self medication would be good motivation for me to get better....but like her, you have to get better for yourself and your family on your own. Best to you and your family. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I could guess your kids know more than you think they do - it's worth an honest conversation with them. They are smart, and they know you both very, very well - and they care! Besides....depending on how this is all effecting them, they might need some counseling or alateen themselves.
Also - you CAN help her, by detaching and taking care of yourself and leaving her to it. With any luck, it'll all blow up in her face - the consequences of it all - and she'll decide to fix herself too. You are making it easy on her by covering it up and helping her avoid consequences such ad being broke, a DUI, and even hurting herself. And bonus, you will be a healthier happier you for your efforts.
I imagine seeing my partner get healthier and happier while I wallow in self pity, consequences of addiction, and self medication would be good motivation for me to get better....but like her, you have to get better for yourself and your family on your own. Best to you and your family. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
It sounds like you already know the right vs. wrong in this situation but don't want to hear it. And I think I might detect just a bit of "terminal uniqueness" in your post.
None of us are here to tell you what to do. You have to decide for yourself that you are ready to get off the merry-go-round of addiction & are ready to make changes in your life.
I can tell you one thing with absolute conviction: I have never, ever (in 3+ years in recovery) read a post or heard a share from someone that their addicted loved one got better because they loved them better. Never a single story about how the addict sought recovery because their enablers jumped in front of their consequences & they felt bad about it & decided to sober up as a result. Never, ever.
If you do one thing for yourself, keep reading here. The sticky threads up top are invaluable. Good luck!
None of us are here to tell you what to do. You have to decide for yourself that you are ready to get off the merry-go-round of addiction & are ready to make changes in your life.
I can tell you one thing with absolute conviction: I have never, ever (in 3+ years in recovery) read a post or heard a share from someone that their addicted loved one got better because they loved them better. Never a single story about how the addict sought recovery because their enablers jumped in front of their consequences & they felt bad about it & decided to sober up as a result. Never, ever.
If you do one thing for yourself, keep reading here. The sticky threads up top are invaluable. Good luck!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
wow, every few hundred posts or so I read my story again, through someone else's eyes. So sorry you're going through this Starsabove. Like most, I would concur that there's no way for YOU to fix her, and all you can really control is getting the help for you and your kids. That's priority numero uno!
But, since your wife is still very much in the denial stage, have you considered a staged intervention? Can be professionally- or family-mediated. Maybe with the help of the family confronting her together under the guidance of a mediated intervention, she might be willing to give rehab a try. Others here may disagree with the value, as the general mindset is that the alcoholic must want to get help for themselves, not at the urging of others. And I imagine the overall success rate of rehab in general is pretty low BUT, I will say that if you can get her to be willing to go, maybe there's some hope that the structure and counseling there can help her get onto the recovery path. What do you have to lose?
But, since your wife is still very much in the denial stage, have you considered a staged intervention? Can be professionally- or family-mediated. Maybe with the help of the family confronting her together under the guidance of a mediated intervention, she might be willing to give rehab a try. Others here may disagree with the value, as the general mindset is that the alcoholic must want to get help for themselves, not at the urging of others. And I imagine the overall success rate of rehab in general is pretty low BUT, I will say that if you can get her to be willing to go, maybe there's some hope that the structure and counseling there can help her get onto the recovery path. What do you have to lose?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
"but I'm not ready to give in to the idea that there's nothing I can do about this. So that's where I'm at... becoming increasingly frustrated, but still intent on trying everything I can to help her stop."
This right here is where it's all going to go downhill for you. Sorry, but you asked
I'm glad you are here and you are sharing. You will get a lot of good information here. I did and still do.
I'm new in my recovery. I'm not even sure if I qualify as being in recovery. I left my A, that's all I can tell you. Been there done that. I know where you are at. All too well.
This right here is where it's all going to go downhill for you. Sorry, but you asked
I'm glad you are here and you are sharing. You will get a lot of good information here. I did and still do.
I'm new in my recovery. I'm not even sure if I qualify as being in recovery. I left my A, that's all I can tell you. Been there done that. I know where you are at. All too well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Ahh man. I hear you. I really do. I did very similar things and had lots of similar experiences.
The only thing that worked for me was to work on me.
And no. Nobody ever beat me up in an Alanon meeting. I do that quite well on my own. Fact is, I've slowly been killing myself for almost 40 years by doing the same crap that doesn't work.
The only thing that worked for me was to work on me.
And no. Nobody ever beat me up in an Alanon meeting. I do that quite well on my own. Fact is, I've slowly been killing myself for almost 40 years by doing the same crap that doesn't work.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 8
Sorry to hear you're going through this, starsabove. I'll let the other, more experienced folks give you support and advice about what to do for yourself and your wife (listen to them and save yourself some heartbreak and insanity!).
But I'd like to respond to your brave, honest post as an adult daughter of an alcoholic mother and a hopelessly co-dependent father. From the perspective of the kids in the family, I would recommend being honest with them, encouraging them to talk about it, and encouraging some sort of therapy/Alateen/whatever resources you have available.
They know. Whether or not they can diagnose exactly what's going, I can tell you that they know something is very wrong. They're likely scared. They likely don't know what to do, like yourself. Do what you can to help them and help yourself. You are responsible for your kids. All of the effort you spend helping your wife to lead this lifestyle...spend it on ensuring your kids have the support they need.
They may not say it, but they need help, too. Even the one in college.
I'm just telling you from someone who has been there. I wish my father, as wonderful as he is in some ways, had put us first sometimes, instead of her.
This is not said to lay blame, make you feel bad, no no no. I'm offering another way to give yourself PERMISSION to focus on yourself and your kids. I sense from your post that maybe you deep down want someone to tell you that it's okay if you stop. Stop "helping" her, stop consuming your life with her alcoholism. I for one will tell you it's okay to stop protecting her and start spending that time and effort on your own wellness and that of your kids.
I wish you and your family the best!!!
But I'd like to respond to your brave, honest post as an adult daughter of an alcoholic mother and a hopelessly co-dependent father. From the perspective of the kids in the family, I would recommend being honest with them, encouraging them to talk about it, and encouraging some sort of therapy/Alateen/whatever resources you have available.
They know. Whether or not they can diagnose exactly what's going, I can tell you that they know something is very wrong. They're likely scared. They likely don't know what to do, like yourself. Do what you can to help them and help yourself. You are responsible for your kids. All of the effort you spend helping your wife to lead this lifestyle...spend it on ensuring your kids have the support they need.
They may not say it, but they need help, too. Even the one in college.
I'm just telling you from someone who has been there. I wish my father, as wonderful as he is in some ways, had put us first sometimes, instead of her.
This is not said to lay blame, make you feel bad, no no no. I'm offering another way to give yourself PERMISSION to focus on yourself and your kids. I sense from your post that maybe you deep down want someone to tell you that it's okay if you stop. Stop "helping" her, stop consuming your life with her alcoholism. I for one will tell you it's okay to stop protecting her and start spending that time and effort on your own wellness and that of your kids.
I wish you and your family the best!!!
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