Ixi

About a week ago I finally worked up the resolve to break up with my alcoholic boyfriend of 2.5 years. I told him I saw us getting back together some day, once he gets a job and some real sobriety under his belt. I thought it was all going to get better from there.

Then on Saturday he called me and told me he was going to kill himself. I recognized the real possibility that he was trying to manipulate me, but he had talked about suicide in the past and I have a friend whose husband killed himself, so I took him seriously. He called back later to tell me he changed his mind, but I had already called 911. He has been in protective custody since then, and will likely be released tomorrow once they determine what treatment he needs.

I spoke to him today, and he admitted that he wasn't serious and was just doing it for attention (though he adamantly denied trying to manipulate me. Bullcrap). While obviously I'm glad he didn't actually have a gun to his head-and when he called me he said he did-I am immeasurably pissed that he put me through that. All the crap he's put me through in the last year combined doesn't measure up to what he did on Saturday. It is so effed up it just baffles me that someone could do that, especially when he knows what happened with my friend's husband. Honestly, I never want to speak to him again. I can't even look back on the good times we had fondly, because I know he was this person who would do that to me.

Now I'm left here trying to figure out what to do from here. I have planned my life around having him in it, and he's been my best friend for two and a half years. I know I'll be okay-I realized on Saturday how strong going through this has made me. But I don't know where to start. For now, my sister gave me a break-up care package-ice cream toppings, chocolate, teddy bear. I'm keeping busy with work and school. Any other wise words are appreciated.

SparkleKitty

No great words of wisdom from me can beat the instincts that have already taken over for you. Take things one day at a time. Check in. Be a good caretaker for you and don't future trip too much. You're going to be just fine (better, you might not believe that right now )

eastcoastns

wow..i feel like i am reading something i wrote. we are in the exact same place...exact! be strong and take time for you. i often think the best thing to do is to cut all ties, but then something pulls me back and i want to be there to help. right now i am trying to figure out if i am helping more by helping or hurting more by helping...if that makes sense.
one day at a time!

Ixi

That is a very common sentiment at SR!

Staying with him was hurting both of us. Disappointing me made him hate himself more, which led to more drinking, more disappointment, and more self-hatred. He obviously doesn't see it that way now, but we will both be better off for this. "Helping" is not always helping. The only person who can help him is him.

SabrinaQ

Ok, I read your first thread from last year,
and I need to say something about that first because I was shocked by how your words there exactly expressed my own experience, which I couldn't put into words before:

It's almost like a trap was set up for me to fall in, and I certainly fell for it.

(Yes, of course I had codependent characteristics before meeting him, but then it was times ten. Anyway, I needed to go through all that to actually become a better person, otherwise I don't think I would have learned all that I have. And I really am grateful. Now I can say that, after suffering for so long.)

As for the manipulation exhibited by addicts, I was talking to a friend today who is a smart ex-girlfriend of an ex-addict, and she said,

"manipulative people do these things (manipulative things) automatically,
they don't plan them or anything"
and both her and my exes are kindly people (not narcissistic as far as I can see), but for whatever reason, they are manipulative. and they mess your mind up.

But to come to what you just posted about,
I don't know what you should do when someone threatens suicide, this is beyond the scope of my experience,
but I'm sure it's been very hard on you and it would be good to find some support for you,
because this is just too stressful for one person.

redatlanta

Sorry you have had to deal with this and you did the right thing.

The best thing would be to cut and run. I know that is easier said that done so……should you decide to continue to try and work this out…….I'd be really interested in what the psychiatric evaluation says if I were you. I think you got more here than just alcoholism.

Fandy

He knew in depth your circumstances and he still made a fake threat complete with details?
This is truly sick and manipulative, selfish to the core.
Plan your life around yourself, not this jerk. Things will get better, you might want to relax and distract yourself, ( easier said than done, i know). But your absolutly correct in your feelings.
count yourself lucky that this is over now. Not when you would be committed with marriage and children.
Supportive mode goes to people who truly try to change their circumstances, not wallow in their problems, drunk and unemployed.

Christopher1

Not necessarily a wicked act but ? one of desperation as he sees you taking control of your own life.That said; it is still an awful thing to deal with and a very unhealthy response- people often manipulate because they don't know any other way-doesn't absolve him of all responsibility though-sure I'm not telling you anything you don't know already.(Your sister sounds very supportive-thats great for you).

Overit23

Sorry you had to go through this, but when someone threatens suicide you did the right thing...he can say whatever he wants but normally it is a cry for help. I don't know if this will help you or not but my AH has gone through long periods of sobriety and then will relapse. Last time he did I packed his stuff left it on the front porch and then left the house so he knew I meant business and did not get into an argument. He is now on his 3rd week of sobriety, we go to counseling, both working on ourselves, and actually now working on repairing our marriage of 27 years. Alot of folks told me to leave and would I be justified yes, but it is a disease he has and I understand that~ Going to counseling (get a good one), Al anon, and SR has helped me tremendously. You need to decide what is best for you~protect yourself~get someone who can help your through all this~God Bless~

KidsR#1

You did the right thing by calling 911. You can never tell if someone is serious or not. Take care of yourself. You sound like a very strong person. Just focus on one day at a time.

Be prepared as he may try to contact you again and you have to decide for yourself if you want to be in contact with him. (Sounds as if you don't want any contact already.) A's can be very manipulative.

Ixi

He got out of protective custody on Friday (spent almost a week in the hospital and then the county mental health center). While I don't think he was serious about the suicide threat, I do think it was a cry for help. He has thanked me for taking action and getting him the help he needs (though he has also told me that I put him in "jail" for a week-even though he was 1., in the hospital, and 2., signed a voluntary agreement to stay there after the second day-gotta love that quacking!)

He sees an AODA counselor tomorrow, but he's tried that before and just stopped going (more than once he was too hungover to keep his appointments). We've been talking a bit, but every time we do I am just angry and can't hold it back-it's now gotten to the point where contact is incredibly unhealthy for both of us. Just trying to stay strong and know that everything will work out in the end.

SeriousKarma

The wisest words I can give you are this:

Stay close to your sister, and very very far away from your ex-boyfriend.

(But, I kind of think you already knew that.)