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yes it's me babbling again-i feel as though i found a friend in this forum--and i havent quite let it all out-i dont want to come off as sounding judgemental but for god's sake-whats more frustrating than trying to interpret what a drunk is trying to annunciate-a's will never know that frustration-as they have a lingo all their own-seems like only the laws of the lame pertain to their world-but in my world i find it a tad bit selfish on any a's part to expect me to adhere and learn to live with it or attend meetings on their behalf so that i can find sanity--foohey-i just need to muzzle up the self esteem that i obviously lacked when i agreed to participate in his life- i know many a's,as i was close at one time becoming one myself-the ones i truly admire r the ones that know they have a problem and admit that they r powerless and/or hopelessly an a--but will not engage in marriage with a sober indivdual-because they know that opposites dont always attract-whereas most a's as i may very well naively believe,need a sober person to try and keep the a's life together for them--question--r there any strong,sober people who have an a on their hands to contend with,(as opposed to low self-esteem folks that think they're not deserving of anyone else)--what is the attraction for an otherwise healthy sober person to frustrate their life with the selfishness of an a--i think i may b sounding a bit harsh--but i am sooooo very tired of this--little does he know the one way he did help me,inadvertantly of course,was to make me have more self reliance and confidence so that i can muzzle up the guts to go it alone-not there yet but making plans for that journey for one--would like to take some friends with me-as soon as i meet some--as all the people i know r from the world of forever party-i apologize for monopolizing this board today-but i have almost learned too that it doesnt make any sense to try and reason with an a--he will only tell me what i want to hear(if i can understand his jibberish that is)lol-to get me out of his bald spot-thanx for listening
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hey Fannie! Let it all hang out... Go Girl!
I was one of those strong sober people who got driven ******* by someone else's addiction. All the strength, patience and logic got wasted on someone who was not yet willing to make use of them. One doesn't attend meetings on behalf of the addict. It's something you do for yourself.
Step one.. we admitted that we were powerless over the addict, that our lives had become unmanageable.
Yep... he started it. But now YOU have a problem. You can't change the things he is or what he does. He has to do that. You can only change yourself.
When you say that addicts need someone to take care of them, you are buying into an illusion. Addicts will LET you take care of them. It makes using so much easier. The fact that you have consented to DO that is the problem you are now dealing with.
Letting go of the caretaker role is very difficult. When I reasoned myself into it, it sorta went like this.
What will happen if I stop taking care of him?
He'll clean up or he'll die.
Okay, cleaning up is good. Can I cope with the dying?
He will die anyway if he continues to use. With or without your help. Do you want to watch him die? Do you want to die with him?
No.
Okay. He's moving.
And he did. He's not dead. He's been in counseling and is doing a lot better. Would he have ever decided to take care of himself if I hadn't stopped doing it? I don't know. But I doubt it.
Feel free to monopolize the page whenever you feel like it. We've all been where you are. Some of us are still there. WE RELATE! Keep posting!
Smoke
I was one of those strong sober people who got driven ******* by someone else's addiction. All the strength, patience and logic got wasted on someone who was not yet willing to make use of them. One doesn't attend meetings on behalf of the addict. It's something you do for yourself.
Step one.. we admitted that we were powerless over the addict, that our lives had become unmanageable.
Yep... he started it. But now YOU have a problem. You can't change the things he is or what he does. He has to do that. You can only change yourself.
When you say that addicts need someone to take care of them, you are buying into an illusion. Addicts will LET you take care of them. It makes using so much easier. The fact that you have consented to DO that is the problem you are now dealing with.
Letting go of the caretaker role is very difficult. When I reasoned myself into it, it sorta went like this.
What will happen if I stop taking care of him?
He'll clean up or he'll die.
Okay, cleaning up is good. Can I cope with the dying?
He will die anyway if he continues to use. With or without your help. Do you want to watch him die? Do you want to die with him?
No.
Okay. He's moving.
And he did. He's not dead. He's been in counseling and is doing a lot better. Would he have ever decided to take care of himself if I hadn't stopped doing it? I don't know. But I doubt it.
Feel free to monopolize the page whenever you feel like it. We've all been where you are. Some of us are still there. WE RELATE! Keep posting!
Smoke
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Fannie,
I enjoyed you message, could relate in so many ways. You asked about the attraction for a sober person to frustrate their lives with an A. This is something I have obsessed on in regards to my own life. I was not raised in an alcoholic home, did not have alcoholic friends, but I married one. I have often asked myself how in God's name this happened. I didn't know my husband was an A when I married him, although the signs were certainly there. I have come to realize that my family of origin was very chaotic and life was "strange", even though there were no alcoholics in the family. I got used to living in chaos and "handling" the crises, and married a walking talking crises as well. That is the crux of working a program for me, learning to be content, and enjoying my life, even when I don't have to take care of anyone or solve anyone's problems. I look back now and realize it is the heighth of arrogance on my part to think I was so powerful that I could control my husbands drinking, my father's mental illness, my mother's physical illness, etc, etc, etc...My daily prayer is this: God, I can not manage my own life, Please manage it for me, and help me to follow your will, whatever it is.
I enjoyed you message, could relate in so many ways. You asked about the attraction for a sober person to frustrate their lives with an A. This is something I have obsessed on in regards to my own life. I was not raised in an alcoholic home, did not have alcoholic friends, but I married one. I have often asked myself how in God's name this happened. I didn't know my husband was an A when I married him, although the signs were certainly there. I have come to realize that my family of origin was very chaotic and life was "strange", even though there were no alcoholics in the family. I got used to living in chaos and "handling" the crises, and married a walking talking crises as well. That is the crux of working a program for me, learning to be content, and enjoying my life, even when I don't have to take care of anyone or solve anyone's problems. I look back now and realize it is the heighth of arrogance on my part to think I was so powerful that I could control my husbands drinking, my father's mental illness, my mother's physical illness, etc, etc, etc...My daily prayer is this: God, I can not manage my own life, Please manage it for me, and help me to follow your will, whatever it is.
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