Anyone Loved ones currently in an inpatient program?
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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Anyone Loved ones currently in an inpatient program?
I wanted to open this thread for anyone who might have a loved one currently in a detox/inpatient facility.
I have so many raw emotions right now and I would love the support!
I have so many raw emotions right now and I would love the support!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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I don't -- but I just wanted to stop by and give you a big hug and say "Please take care of YOURSELF" right now.
Your husbands are getting all the support they need where they're at. Try not to waste time future tripping and worrying about "what ifs" -- take advantage of the time that he's gone and he's safe, and go find an Alanon meeting, call up a therapist, get a massage, and make yourself your favorite dinner (you know that dish that he hates?)
(((hugs)))
Your husbands are getting all the support they need where they're at. Try not to waste time future tripping and worrying about "what ifs" -- take advantage of the time that he's gone and he's safe, and go find an Alanon meeting, call up a therapist, get a massage, and make yourself your favorite dinner (you know that dish that he hates?)
(((hugs)))
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
I don't either at the moment but like Amy said- focus on taking care of yourself! Don't worry about how things will be when they come home (future tripping) or what your A's are doing and learning at rehab. Get out of the house, invite friends over for the day or evening, what ever makes YOU feel good.
When I dropped my RAH at his first rehab, the parting words from the female owner was "enjoy the peace." I thought it was odd until a few days later I knew exactly what she meant!
When I dropped my RAH at his first rehab, the parting words from the female owner was "enjoy the peace." I thought it was odd until a few days later I knew exactly what she meant!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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It has been years since I had a spouse in rehab. I agree with Lillamy - take advantage of this time to breath easy and get things all lined up for yourself. I really wish I'd have had a counselor lined up and started before he came home. Like really really really wish it. I would recommend it! 
Right now my cousin's daughter is in detox and 3 day psych hold for suicide watch. She's so young, just 21, and is very loved but alcoholism has such a strong grip on her already
She's already had trouble with the law, lost jobs, ended up in the ER multiple times, been through an out patient rehab, has a psychiatrist, counselor, some friends in AA. She has not done an inpatient rehab. I hope she decides to go. I have such a heavy heart thinking of her. It is different with her because my relationship is so different - no resentments or broken promises etc. etc.
Right now my cousin's daughter is in detox and 3 day psych hold for suicide watch. She's so young, just 21, and is very loved but alcoholism has such a strong grip on her already
She's already had trouble with the law, lost jobs, ended up in the ER multiple times, been through an out patient rehab, has a psychiatrist, counselor, some friends in AA. She has not done an inpatient rehab. I hope she decides to go. I have such a heavy heart thinking of her. It is different with her because my relationship is so different - no resentments or broken promises etc. etc.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
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My AH is on day 18, has about 18 to go I think.
He'd been out of the house since very early July so I am used to being alone with the kdis - not much there has changed.
But teh first week I was SO SO SO tired and all I wanted to do was sleep, I also felt really flat and numb. I think bc the weeks and months (and years) prior to this had been so horrendous that my adrenalin sort of just 'ran out'. Now I feel...hopeful...but that feeling scares me...so I am trying to just 'be'. But either way, no matter what he does, I know I'll be fine and that I have a great life to look forward to. I 'hope' for him, its hard to not when you love someone and do want the best for them.
I'm doing therapy and 'family group' at the rehab centre (its like a non-alanon support and learning group for family and friends only). We are also have couple counselling and I meet with his psych once a week (wouldnt ususally recommend this but part of our issue is him keeping me at arms length and expecting me to just 'believe' his reports of whats going on - I need to hear it first hand so I have the correct info for my decision making, he's complicated with a BPD and generalised anxiety disorder diagnosis). I feel well supported.
He seems to be responding really well, he certainly appears to be throwing himself into it, all the reports from doc, psych and nurses are good, I see glimmers the things I liked about him.
I'm feeling pressured - he's trying really hard to connect with me and is saying all the right things. I just need a bit of space from him and all his emotion.
How are you going?
He'd been out of the house since very early July so I am used to being alone with the kdis - not much there has changed.
But teh first week I was SO SO SO tired and all I wanted to do was sleep, I also felt really flat and numb. I think bc the weeks and months (and years) prior to this had been so horrendous that my adrenalin sort of just 'ran out'. Now I feel...hopeful...but that feeling scares me...so I am trying to just 'be'. But either way, no matter what he does, I know I'll be fine and that I have a great life to look forward to. I 'hope' for him, its hard to not when you love someone and do want the best for them.
I'm doing therapy and 'family group' at the rehab centre (its like a non-alanon support and learning group for family and friends only). We are also have couple counselling and I meet with his psych once a week (wouldnt ususally recommend this but part of our issue is him keeping me at arms length and expecting me to just 'believe' his reports of whats going on - I need to hear it first hand so I have the correct info for my decision making, he's complicated with a BPD and generalised anxiety disorder diagnosis). I feel well supported.
He seems to be responding really well, he certainly appears to be throwing himself into it, all the reports from doc, psych and nurses are good, I see glimmers the things I liked about him.
I'm feeling pressured - he's trying really hard to connect with me and is saying all the right things. I just need a bit of space from him and all his emotion.
How are you going?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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I see your new thread. YAY I hope it will help to share with others as you go through the experience. If its ok I will check in too. I think a lot of people leave SR when they get through this, especially if things get better and their marriage becomes stable again. I think it’s a normal progression, but without those people here, it almost feels sometimes like no one ever gets better, and relationships never work out.
I just share this because Ive felt this imbalance on the forum. I agree we have to take care of ourselves and learn how to cope with the unexpected, but I personally needed relationship support too, to know its ok im vocal about wanting my relationship to recover.
Im going to paste your reply to me from the other thread over here:
I was talking someone about boundaries recently. I had a boundary issue come up and had been giving it thought. In counseling my doctor didn’t really use the term boundary. It was more about how do you want to live, what can you live with, what are your expectations in the marriage. But here a lot of people talk about boundaries. A few months back I also started exploring the CRAFT program, Is short for community reinforcement and family training. I picked it because its heavy on communicating with our significant others, and also its based on behavior therapies which interest me. It’s a supportive type of program for me, and encourages positive interaction with my husband. Anywhoo, from the CRAFT/Smart program this is how I learned to view boundaries:
I was told to think of it really as Healthy boundaries for myself. using the word healthy has a more appealing feel to it for me, so Im going with it.
Smart says boundaries are not like those big unmovable metal signs and rows of orange cones set up on the road to block traffic. They are more like velvet ropes at the movies. We can move them as we need to. The boundaries are there to keep order, make life peaceful, and to invite people into our lives in a healthy way.
I thought maybe this would help. His negative behavior has been affecting you and your child so yes you have to create boundaries to protect the both of you, and make a pleasant and healthy living environment. BUT the boundaries aren’t to keep him out, they are to invite him in, but in a healthy way.
The other thing I can say, all this has been hard but Ive learned a lot about myself this past year. Ive never cried so much or prayed so hard ever in my life. Its been an true test of my faith, and I found courage I didn’t know I had. I know you will find your strength too !!
((hugs))
I just share this because Ive felt this imbalance on the forum. I agree we have to take care of ourselves and learn how to cope with the unexpected, but I personally needed relationship support too, to know its ok im vocal about wanting my relationship to recover.
Im going to paste your reply to me from the other thread over here:
Originally Posted by AW1111 
Thank you Blue Chair...everything you described is exactly how I am feeling right now. My husband is my best friend too (has been sense we were 14!) I have found that makes it so much harder with setting boundaries because we have always leaned on each other when either of us were going through a hard time. Even before we dated, yet alone married! I have always been his shoulder to cry on when he screwed up, but now that this is affecting me and our child directly I have to set boundaries. I might definitely take you up on the pm! And if anyone else is going through this, I would love to take Blue chairs suggestion and start a daily group. I am lonely and have way too many emotions to keep bottled inside!!
I was told to think of it really as Healthy boundaries for myself. using the word healthy has a more appealing feel to it for me, so Im going with it.
Smart says boundaries are not like those big unmovable metal signs and rows of orange cones set up on the road to block traffic. They are more like velvet ropes at the movies. We can move them as we need to. The boundaries are there to keep order, make life peaceful, and to invite people into our lives in a healthy way.
I thought maybe this would help. His negative behavior has been affecting you and your child so yes you have to create boundaries to protect the both of you, and make a pleasant and healthy living environment. BUT the boundaries aren’t to keep him out, they are to invite him in, but in a healthy way.
The other thing I can say, all this has been hard but Ive learned a lot about myself this past year. Ive never cried so much or prayed so hard ever in my life. Its been an true test of my faith, and I found courage I didn’t know I had. I know you will find your strength too !!
((hugs))
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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Wow thank you all for sharing!
My husband has only been in detox for 2 days. They will transport him to inpatient after his 7 day detox. I spoke with him twice yesterday and twice today...I could clearly tell he was on medication, and the guilt and shame was starting to set in. This is scary for both of us...neither of us have had to go through anything remotely like this.
I hope when he actually starts his inpatient they will give him the tools to start feeling better. I hurt for him, myself, and our daughter. I will definitely be getting plenty of self help through Alanon. I was contemplating seeing my own personal therapist as well, but clearly it sounds like this is a must. I know his program has a lot of family involvement, and I even think a family weekend, so I will be attending whatever I can.
Did anyone notice a big change from detox to inpatient? What (if any) words of encouragement did you give your loved ones when they called?
My husband has only been in detox for 2 days. They will transport him to inpatient after his 7 day detox. I spoke with him twice yesterday and twice today...I could clearly tell he was on medication, and the guilt and shame was starting to set in. This is scary for both of us...neither of us have had to go through anything remotely like this.
I hope when he actually starts his inpatient they will give him the tools to start feeling better. I hurt for him, myself, and our daughter. I will definitely be getting plenty of self help through Alanon. I was contemplating seeing my own personal therapist as well, but clearly it sounds like this is a must. I know his program has a lot of family involvement, and I even think a family weekend, so I will be attending whatever I can.
Did anyone notice a big change from detox to inpatient? What (if any) words of encouragement did you give your loved ones when they called?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
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I've noticed a change. My AH was quite sick in detox and suffering very badly with extreme anxiety. As the days went on the shame and guilt engulfed him but he stayed with it, and with the program. He was quite agitated about going into rehab...he wanted to know what the 'goal' was...what was he supposed to 'be' at the end of it. He was confused and terrified!!!
He's calmed down a LOT. He found the first week really intense....and he was quite manic about taking it all in and trying to get it all 'right'. He's slowed down from that and is starting to think about things at a deeper level, starting to build a plan, relating to himself well. He still says he feels like an utter swamp of disgustingness inside....but he seems to be a bit more willing to 'sit' with that feeling. There are some parts that have really appealed to him, which he didn't expect. He's really relating to the addiction and change work they are doing, as well as mindfulness and meditation.
I've seen a big difference epbetween detox and rehab. He seems more focused. He was still in a real state at the end of detox.
Obviously time and action will tell the real story. He's very 'protected' in rehab. He had to write down all his trigger yesterday and he said that he needed one of those art rolls of paper....his list was SO long...in fact he said it would have been far quicker just to write what didn't trigger his drinking - that would have taken a minute!!! S he's got a HUGE challenge ahead of him.
He's calmed down a LOT. He found the first week really intense....and he was quite manic about taking it all in and trying to get it all 'right'. He's slowed down from that and is starting to think about things at a deeper level, starting to build a plan, relating to himself well. He still says he feels like an utter swamp of disgustingness inside....but he seems to be a bit more willing to 'sit' with that feeling. There are some parts that have really appealed to him, which he didn't expect. He's really relating to the addiction and change work they are doing, as well as mindfulness and meditation.
I've seen a big difference epbetween detox and rehab. He seems more focused. He was still in a real state at the end of detox.
Obviously time and action will tell the real story. He's very 'protected' in rehab. He had to write down all his trigger yesterday and he said that he needed one of those art rolls of paper....his list was SO long...in fact he said it would have been far quicker just to write what didn't trigger his drinking - that would have taken a minute!!! S he's got a HUGE challenge ahead of him.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Port Hood
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My ex boyfriend is in an inpatient treatment program that started three days ago. It all came about three weeks ago when he physically assaulted me and followed this by making some terrible decisions at his work with his friends and his family and with another woman. Regardless of any of this, I stand by him and support him through this and am finding it to be such a struggle. I question whether my involvement will help or hinder him as he believes we can work through this and get back to where we were, while I have my doubts. He has hurt me mentally, physically and emotionally and it is not just when he would drink. My question is...are those traits of an alcoholic or are those simply traits of him? Can someone change enough to be the person that everyone else knows is under there? I have a feeling I should get some type of counselling because I am just a wreck, but I have no idea where to turn? Anyone feel this way or have these questions/doubts?
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Originally Posted by eastcoastns
My ex boyfriend is in an inpatient treatment program that started three days ago. It all came about three weeks ago when he physically assaulted me and followed this by making some terrible decisions at his work with his friends and his family and with another woman. Regardless of any of this, I stand by him and support him through this and am finding it to be such a struggle. I question whether my involvement will help or hinder him as he believes we can work through this and get back to where we were, while I have my doubts. He has hurt me mentally, physically and emotionally and it is not just when he would drink. My question is...are those traits of an alcoholic or are those simply traits of him? Can someone change enough to be the person that everyone else knows is under there? I have a feeling I should get some type of counselling because I am just a wreck, but I have no idea where to turn? Anyone feel this way or have these questions/doubts?
To answer your question, no, not all alcoholics are physically abusive, nor do all alcoholics cheat. If he was behaving that way sober, then that is probably who he is.
As far as changing into "the person that everyone knows is under there", it sounds like you are in love with his potential more than the real him. Plus, the "nice guy" he shows you sometimes is probably part of the overall cycle of abuse, rather than the real him. That's how he is keeping you hooked and questioning your decisions. He has shown you who he is, please believe him.
Help for you is a great idea. Alanon meetings are a good place to start, they have helped me tremendously. Individual counseling is also good if you have access to it.
Reading through the stickies on SR is also a great way to educate yourself on the dynamics of alcoholic and abusive relationships.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oint-view.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hemselves.html
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Originally Posted by eastcoastns
My ex boyfriend is in an inpatient treatment program that started three days ago. It all came about three weeks ago when he physically assaulted me and followed this by making some terrible decisions at his work with his friends and his family and with another woman. Regardless of any of this, I stand by him and support him through this and am finding it to be such a struggle. I question whether my involvement will help or hinder him as he believes we can work through this and get back to where we were, while I have my doubts. He has hurt me mentally, physically and emotionally and it is not just when he would drink. My question is...are those traits of an alcoholic or are those simply traits of him? Can someone change enough to be the person that everyone else knows is under there? I have a feeling I should get some type of counselling because I am just a wreck, but I have no idea where to turn? Anyone feel this way or have these questions/doubts?
I can't speak from a professional stand point only based off of my own experience. First, it has very recently "clicked" with me that your involvement really does not play a role in if he is ready to address any of his issues. When my AH went into his first IOP program I later found out he was doing it way more for me than himself. They are masters at sucking us in, and keeping us there. We are their comfort. He didn't want me to leave and take our child away, so he did something to keep me in his grasps. How could I leave him when he wanted to work through everything and "get help" right? I was very wrong.
It actually took me disconnecting, working on myself, and having the confidence that this was not the way I wanted to live my life anymore for him to get it. Once that clicked in my head, as hard and long as it took me to get, I knew one way or another my daughter and I would be ok. Whether our family stayed intact or not.
I love my AH deeply. He is my best friend (since 14 years old) and an amazing father (when he isn't under the influence). I tried and tried till I made myself sick trying to make him get it. I might as well have been screaming under water-he might have heard me better! My point is, you need to take care of you!
I can say my AH has never physically abused me, or cheated on me. On or off of the booze. It sounds like your X BF may have some other issues he needs to address. Maybe he is just trying to numb those issues with the alcohol? I would say support at a distance, do not get involved with his treatment, and get some help for yourself!
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