Falling down the rabbit hole
 

My exRAB and I split about three weeks ago now. I have been up, down and sideways over this. It was his choice, not mine. Last night into today has been rough. I can't stop thinking about him. I want to know what he is doing and who he is doing it with. Who/what is filling the space I used to fill. For me it is just emptiness and longing. In my head I know I am better off. I am trying to work on me. Started therapy, trying to make plans with friends to do things I have been wanting to do and haven't. It's just so damn hard to feel this lost and alone. I dread waking up because I know I am just going to feel this loss all over again.....

I know it will get better. I have had bright spots the last three weeks. But it is so hard to see those when you are overwhelmed with these negative feelings.

I understand--or think I do :) I left my AH about 10 months ago. I still wonder? What If? I sill wear his wedding band along with a cross around my neck hoping he will get better without me :( I know I needed to leave for me and my son. I've been sober awhile and I need to stay that way

Do you attend al-anon? Also check out the stickies at the top of the page. It does get easier. You will find a lot of support here.

D1978...you are grieving....which, of course is a normal reaction. It will have to run it's course. Your instincts have been correct to begin your own therapy and stay busy with friends. Structure does help a lot.
You will still feel the loss for a while...but it won't always be as white-hot at it is, right now.

I have a suggestion: There is a video on the internet (suggested by one of our members, named "Hammer", who introduced it to us. Do watch it. go to Lockerz.com and look for "Madea"---"People are like leaves, branches, and roots".

Also, it is helpful to make a list of the very worst times of the relationship (for you) and keep the piece of paper with you. When you find yourself longing for him....read the list!
Do it as often as necessary. That kept me afloat after on reallly painful break-up.

dandylion

I am feeling those things too. It is crazy for this has been going on for months with my ABF. He comes back...he leaves....doesn't know if he wants to come back.....comes back....etc.etc. I allow him to do this to me!! I make excuses he is like this because of his A. - he is sick...he really loves me....this is how he is.... And mostly....because of what D1978 described feeling. I literally beat myself up with these horrible emotions, blames, regrets. So that's the rabbit hole, eh? I need something to describe these outbreaks. :)

The triggering 3's. 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months. For some odd reason when we approach the 3's our feelings are triggered or heightened. Just like the firsts, first holiday, first Bday, first anniversary without them. as mentioned its grief and the only way through it is to allow ourselves to feel it rather then invite them back so we don't have to feel it.

It is good you are going to therapy, know that therapy takes time it's not instant. Maybe think about finding an al-alon group in your area.

When your thinking gets stuck on who he may be with, try and replace jealousy with empathy and be thankful you are not whom ever he may be with today because YOU deserve so much more.

Try and do that self talk from this being some kind of a lose to "you are winning!".

D1978....I just started a thread called: "Look at this....". I had you specifically in mind when I posted it (among many others). Please watch this video.

If you Do watch it...I would love to have your review.....

dandylion

OMG....Sir Hammer and I just posted the same thing at the same time!

This is getting weird...I think I am starting to channel Hammer....!!!!!!!

dandylion

Was talking about Gratitude at yesterday's Alanoon Meeting.

So this might not make sense until / unless you have started drinking the Alanon Koolaid. But I drink it by the bucketful, and highly recommend it.

So. One of the Senior Alananny Angels was commenting that she was having a hard time on some stuff . . . about like where this thread started. And that Gratitude to seems to be quite an effective counter. Some folks observed that being bothered on the Them, Them, Them side of things, can even keep awake at night over Them, Them, Them.

I mentioned that I had heard about the Gratitude Alphabet (start at A, and work you way down the Alphabet), and that it seems to clear things pretty quick -- At night I usually do not make it past "J" or so, until I am out peacefully.

Even came around in a reading a couple folks after me . . . that Gratitude Alphabet. So of course, last night, it would have to be tested. Made it all the way through Z once, and started over. Think I made it N or so the second time.

So if you would like to try and get it started . . . but do not copy mine .. . . you cannot get better doing someone else's stuff . . . Things you are grateful for:

A -- Alanon.
B -- Big Book
C -- The Three C's.
D -- (my) Daughter
E --

So glad you guys thought to post the madea video! That was the best advice ever!