The Lovely Porn Video I Found On My Computer
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Teendoc, your posts are full of strength and courage. I'm terribly sorry to hear of the difficulties you are going thru. My drug of choice is booze, so I have nothing to contribute on the sexual addiction issues. What I can tell you is that you and your husband are in our prayers. Whatever the outcome may be, it will be for the better.
Mike :-)
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 21
Teendoc,
I remember the day that these porn pop ups started coming up on the computer. I asked my AH about it but he just blew it off. See those days, I rarely used the computer. Then one day, I figured out how to look up the history. Well to say the least, I was mad, jealous, etc. That is when I decided to get back at him! If you can't beat them then join them. STUPID!!!! These sites are a strange world that suck you in just like alcohol and drugs and mix alcohol and drugs with them and you end up with a big mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will not go into all the reckless details but in the end, we risked our precious marriage. With our recovery, we have admitted our wrongs and have asked God to remove these defects. I pray that your husband will get better.
Take Care, ham
I remember the day that these porn pop ups started coming up on the computer. I asked my AH about it but he just blew it off. See those days, I rarely used the computer. Then one day, I figured out how to look up the history. Well to say the least, I was mad, jealous, etc. That is when I decided to get back at him! If you can't beat them then join them. STUPID!!!! These sites are a strange world that suck you in just like alcohol and drugs and mix alcohol and drugs with them and you end up with a big mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will not go into all the reckless details but in the end, we risked our precious marriage. With our recovery, we have admitted our wrongs and have asked God to remove these defects. I pray that your husband will get better.
Take Care, ham
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: oz
Posts: 2
tonight i found myself in a place i was five and some years ago. i'd been in alanon for five years, my alcoholic partner had sunk to new depths with his addiction and i knew that i could no longer live with the abuse. i typed alanon into the search engine of my computer, a slow old number with dial-up access. it put me into a chat room where i met some wonderful people who gave me a new take on the 12 steps. far more than i was getting in the f2f rooms. i had the strength to make my partner leave and the courage to say 'no' when he begged to come back. yet again. in the end, and to keep him from nagging at me, i said he could stay till he could get into a rehab on condition that he attended AA daily and didn't drink. i was sure that would make him storm out the door. it didn't. he agreed. and he's been sober for four and a half years.
the first couple of years were rocky but happy as we embarked on a new life with a spiritual path. i knew about his dark side. always had done. from time to time it popped up in my face (so to speak) and i would accept the apologies and promises.
this year, he has faced a number of new pressures including the possibility of success. he will graduate and become employable in a way that allows no more excuses for his lifetime of unemployment. he's expressed some of his fear of his inability to work like a 'normie'.
a couple of years back he discovered the internet. he's a luddite when it comes to technology and had no time for computers before i got online. the addiction became problematic. he would be desperate enough to access porn in the living room while my young adult/teenage kids were in the family room next door. they were trapped in there since they needed to go through the lounge to get to the stairs to the basement or up to the bedrooms. they weren't happy, esp when they'd decide to open the doors to get upstairs only to see their stepfather hastily pull his hand out of his pants and yell at them. i was at work and didn't know how often this happened. i began to set up scenarios to make it harder for him to spend time at home without me. our sex life had always been problematic in terms of frequency. his intimacy issues increased with sobriety. i tried time out of mind to approach him on this. walls up. keep out. i lost a lot of the confidence and esteem that alanon had shown me whenever i got into this area of our lives. and all the time, i knew about his compulsive masturbating. i was willing and eager and accommodating even with much of the 'different' stuff. i drew the line at third parties or swapping. in the early days i'd indulged some of his fantasies. didn't do a lot for me i must confess. as our relationship deepened it seemed he couldn't be with me that way. madonna/***** perhaps. i'm no psych. who knows? so we settled for the intermittent sex that he said did not satisfy him altho he usually reached completion. i took what i could get. i love him and he is still the most attractive person to me.
six weeks ago he set up a scene where he could announce that he'd had enough and was leaving. nothing new in that. except that he did. all the time moaning about how difficult it would be financially till i asked around and discovered he had several thousands from his brother to set up. poor bro', so anxious to keep him sober, was sucked back into the old dance. at least i knew to stop worrying about selling my meagre assets to help him out. he said it was about being self-supporting and finding himself after all.
i've received many confusing and mixed messages in my contact with him since he moved out. and even in the days before, while he was setting up his new comfort zone. spared himself little i have to say.
i suspected that the 'nice' bits were about keeping access to the car and hopes of getting money from me. i'm seriously overcommitted financially, partly on the strength of his promises to work, and he will not be contributing next year after all. forget that. the car was another issue and when the alcoholic bullying didn't work, after all, he's gone, what's the point in giving in? - he resorted to the old wheedling junkie ways. i was caught off guard as i still love him and want to believe in his love for me. he made a strange request for the car. it didn't ring true and had several contradictions in each story. i wondered if the porn was turning into practice. i knew it was worse than ever. he'd brought his laptop around for us to fix every few days since he left. despite a firewall, it was continually infected.
i discovered that the car was not for an AA mtg up the coast, it was to facilitate a trip across town to a sex orgy. my heart sank. the fantasy had become reality. along with subscriptions to all sorts of kinky stuff. some of it downright perverse and certainly not acceptable to me. all the sweet talk about 'time out' and finding himself came down to one thing. he wanted to be free to pursue the practice of his fantasies.
at first i was gutted. it must be something i failed to do. the Kasey Chambers song went through my head. "was i not pretty enough? am i too ordinary?" etc. just before he moved out, i'd taken him to her concert on his birthday. bought fantastic seats at a fantastic price on ebay. our first concert, despite all his talk over the years. it seemed sobriety was really starting to bring the life i dreamed of.
thanks to alanon and my god, i am coming to terms with his choices. i have told safe people about what is happening. my sponsor is a wonderful support. his sponsor has been very helpful to me too. i am not hiding in the shame but i need to talk to people who know how i feel. that's how i got better in alanon.
five years ago, i met some wonderful people in a chat room just when i was at my lowest. tonight, i so wanted to go back on the boundary i set asking him not to contact me before next friday. originally it was two weeks but i weakened the next day and called him. he talked me into dinner, a dvd and a night at home with me. no sex of course. he seemed desperate for my company and i hoped it was to keep himself from his obsession. he doesn't get access to my laptop.
in the morning we separated. i hoped he would go to his regular aa mtg instead of the orgy. even asked how he planned to get there - he doesn't know that i know. the mtg is about an hour after my alanon mtg at the venue. i was chatting to a friend afterwards when the person who was supposedly picking him up arrived to set up the meeting room. without my partner and without a word from him. i had to sadly face that his choice was for this 'condoms optional' sleaze fest. it's not something i feel free to talk about in the rooms of alanon. it can be confronting and distressing and too much information for some.
thank god i found this loop tonight. i discovered i am not alone. and thx to njriverman i discover that there is help for him too, if he ever chooses it. i have not called him. it is 1AM and i will not call him. i'm tired now and ready to sleep. there are people around who recognize this elephant too. and i don't need to put a doily over the elephant poop or find a shovel to clean it up.
thank you for starting this thread. as is often the way of my higher power, when i ask, i get answers.
not exactly the ones i hope for. but more hope than i had before i logged onto this site. i was just looking for another live chatroom, although these are pretty much non-existent these days. god led me to a better place where more of the secrets that bind me in shame can be discussed.
I am pretty enough and I am not ordinary. I am a special child of god who loves another special child of god who, sadly, is stepping onto the slippery slope that may take him back to the hideous addiction of substance abuse.
and today i didn't call him to check up that he was still abstinent from drugs and alcohol after his experience last night. and i didn't hurt myself by listening to the false words of love while hearing the suppressed excitement in his voice. it's not my business.
i don't have to worry about whether we can be together again, as he mentions. this is an addiction just like his other addictions. i chose five years ago to live without him if he made those choices. i know that SA can help him if he wants to stop this choice. and i guess i'm happy to know that i can choose serenity and peace for myself by keeping myself out of range of the elephant poop if he does not choose sexual sobriety. what a relief. he isn't bad, just addicted. and i'm not crazy, just confused by the contact with addiction in a mask i didn't recognise.
the first couple of years were rocky but happy as we embarked on a new life with a spiritual path. i knew about his dark side. always had done. from time to time it popped up in my face (so to speak) and i would accept the apologies and promises.
this year, he has faced a number of new pressures including the possibility of success. he will graduate and become employable in a way that allows no more excuses for his lifetime of unemployment. he's expressed some of his fear of his inability to work like a 'normie'.
a couple of years back he discovered the internet. he's a luddite when it comes to technology and had no time for computers before i got online. the addiction became problematic. he would be desperate enough to access porn in the living room while my young adult/teenage kids were in the family room next door. they were trapped in there since they needed to go through the lounge to get to the stairs to the basement or up to the bedrooms. they weren't happy, esp when they'd decide to open the doors to get upstairs only to see their stepfather hastily pull his hand out of his pants and yell at them. i was at work and didn't know how often this happened. i began to set up scenarios to make it harder for him to spend time at home without me. our sex life had always been problematic in terms of frequency. his intimacy issues increased with sobriety. i tried time out of mind to approach him on this. walls up. keep out. i lost a lot of the confidence and esteem that alanon had shown me whenever i got into this area of our lives. and all the time, i knew about his compulsive masturbating. i was willing and eager and accommodating even with much of the 'different' stuff. i drew the line at third parties or swapping. in the early days i'd indulged some of his fantasies. didn't do a lot for me i must confess. as our relationship deepened it seemed he couldn't be with me that way. madonna/***** perhaps. i'm no psych. who knows? so we settled for the intermittent sex that he said did not satisfy him altho he usually reached completion. i took what i could get. i love him and he is still the most attractive person to me.
six weeks ago he set up a scene where he could announce that he'd had enough and was leaving. nothing new in that. except that he did. all the time moaning about how difficult it would be financially till i asked around and discovered he had several thousands from his brother to set up. poor bro', so anxious to keep him sober, was sucked back into the old dance. at least i knew to stop worrying about selling my meagre assets to help him out. he said it was about being self-supporting and finding himself after all.
i've received many confusing and mixed messages in my contact with him since he moved out. and even in the days before, while he was setting up his new comfort zone. spared himself little i have to say.
i suspected that the 'nice' bits were about keeping access to the car and hopes of getting money from me. i'm seriously overcommitted financially, partly on the strength of his promises to work, and he will not be contributing next year after all. forget that. the car was another issue and when the alcoholic bullying didn't work, after all, he's gone, what's the point in giving in? - he resorted to the old wheedling junkie ways. i was caught off guard as i still love him and want to believe in his love for me. he made a strange request for the car. it didn't ring true and had several contradictions in each story. i wondered if the porn was turning into practice. i knew it was worse than ever. he'd brought his laptop around for us to fix every few days since he left. despite a firewall, it was continually infected.
i discovered that the car was not for an AA mtg up the coast, it was to facilitate a trip across town to a sex orgy. my heart sank. the fantasy had become reality. along with subscriptions to all sorts of kinky stuff. some of it downright perverse and certainly not acceptable to me. all the sweet talk about 'time out' and finding himself came down to one thing. he wanted to be free to pursue the practice of his fantasies.
at first i was gutted. it must be something i failed to do. the Kasey Chambers song went through my head. "was i not pretty enough? am i too ordinary?" etc. just before he moved out, i'd taken him to her concert on his birthday. bought fantastic seats at a fantastic price on ebay. our first concert, despite all his talk over the years. it seemed sobriety was really starting to bring the life i dreamed of.
thanks to alanon and my god, i am coming to terms with his choices. i have told safe people about what is happening. my sponsor is a wonderful support. his sponsor has been very helpful to me too. i am not hiding in the shame but i need to talk to people who know how i feel. that's how i got better in alanon.
five years ago, i met some wonderful people in a chat room just when i was at my lowest. tonight, i so wanted to go back on the boundary i set asking him not to contact me before next friday. originally it was two weeks but i weakened the next day and called him. he talked me into dinner, a dvd and a night at home with me. no sex of course. he seemed desperate for my company and i hoped it was to keep himself from his obsession. he doesn't get access to my laptop.
in the morning we separated. i hoped he would go to his regular aa mtg instead of the orgy. even asked how he planned to get there - he doesn't know that i know. the mtg is about an hour after my alanon mtg at the venue. i was chatting to a friend afterwards when the person who was supposedly picking him up arrived to set up the meeting room. without my partner and without a word from him. i had to sadly face that his choice was for this 'condoms optional' sleaze fest. it's not something i feel free to talk about in the rooms of alanon. it can be confronting and distressing and too much information for some.
thank god i found this loop tonight. i discovered i am not alone. and thx to njriverman i discover that there is help for him too, if he ever chooses it. i have not called him. it is 1AM and i will not call him. i'm tired now and ready to sleep. there are people around who recognize this elephant too. and i don't need to put a doily over the elephant poop or find a shovel to clean it up.
thank you for starting this thread. as is often the way of my higher power, when i ask, i get answers.
not exactly the ones i hope for. but more hope than i had before i logged onto this site. i was just looking for another live chatroom, although these are pretty much non-existent these days. god led me to a better place where more of the secrets that bind me in shame can be discussed.
I am pretty enough and I am not ordinary. I am a special child of god who loves another special child of god who, sadly, is stepping onto the slippery slope that may take him back to the hideous addiction of substance abuse.
and today i didn't call him to check up that he was still abstinent from drugs and alcohol after his experience last night. and i didn't hurt myself by listening to the false words of love while hearing the suppressed excitement in his voice. it's not my business.
i don't have to worry about whether we can be together again, as he mentions. this is an addiction just like his other addictions. i chose five years ago to live without him if he made those choices. i know that SA can help him if he wants to stop this choice. and i guess i'm happy to know that i can choose serenity and peace for myself by keeping myself out of range of the elephant poop if he does not choose sexual sobriety. what a relief. he isn't bad, just addicted. and i'm not crazy, just confused by the contact with addiction in a mask i didn't recognise.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 62
New number for the SANON phone meeting
Originally Posted by njriverman
There is now an SANON phone meeting daily at 4pm 212-461-5800 2473#. Many attendees are double winners SA/SANON.
Paul in NJ
Paul in NJ
781.222.0034 pin 282.
For current meeting list of SA and Sanon call 856.858.5656 24/7.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
I hope before anyone makes comments about how "there are worse things than pornography", they do some research on the subject.
Alcoholism is progressive.
Drug addiction is progressive.
Abuse is progressive.
Porn is progressive.
I know someone that works with pedifiles. Yes, a therapy group for pedifiles!
Pedifiles start out with soft porn, then work there way up to hard core stuff, then real life stuff. And, then many become violent. It is a rare circumstance to find a sex offender who has not dabbled in some porn.
PERIOD!
Alcoholism is progressive.
Drug addiction is progressive.
Abuse is progressive.
Porn is progressive.
I know someone that works with pedifiles. Yes, a therapy group for pedifiles!
Pedifiles start out with soft porn, then work there way up to hard core stuff, then real life stuff. And, then many become violent. It is a rare circumstance to find a sex offender who has not dabbled in some porn.
PERIOD!
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