The Lovely Porn Video I Found On My Computer
I've been here 2 days and I already have.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 80
I would like to respectfully ask that this thread not be closed. I feel badly that a few people can not understand this issue, but I see that as their problem and not mine or those who are experiencing this particular issue.
My problem is that I've lived with this issue as a codenpendent for too long. I've feel, as has been said in the past, that this issue and the fact that it is about sex has made it uncomfortable for some people.
But, I'm working on my recovery and that means for me, that I have to sort through all the feelings I have about how this topic is perceived and how I can let go of those feelings which make me feel insecure and self-conscious about being involved with a man who had these issues. If you notice, many people have read this thread and I have a hard time believing that everyone just read it for the controversy. If people stop talking about it because a few people have said unsupportive things those few unsupportive people have won. The topic goes back in the closet, unreal and unimportant.
I know that most people here understand that codependency is codependency no matter what their addict has chosen as his drug of choice. I believe that the people making the off hand remarks believe that too they just want to make waves or they are not ready to deal with their own recovery and feel the need to control someone elses' recovery.
If I'm off track here, please tell me so. I'm really trying to learn through this process and I know I have a long way to go. I'm open to other opinions, as I know there are people here much further along in their recovery.
Thanks again!
Marci
My problem is that I've lived with this issue as a codenpendent for too long. I've feel, as has been said in the past, that this issue and the fact that it is about sex has made it uncomfortable for some people.
But, I'm working on my recovery and that means for me, that I have to sort through all the feelings I have about how this topic is perceived and how I can let go of those feelings which make me feel insecure and self-conscious about being involved with a man who had these issues. If you notice, many people have read this thread and I have a hard time believing that everyone just read it for the controversy. If people stop talking about it because a few people have said unsupportive things those few unsupportive people have won. The topic goes back in the closet, unreal and unimportant.
I know that most people here understand that codependency is codependency no matter what their addict has chosen as his drug of choice. I believe that the people making the off hand remarks believe that too they just want to make waves or they are not ready to deal with their own recovery and feel the need to control someone elses' recovery.
If I'm off track here, please tell me so. I'm really trying to learn through this process and I know I have a long way to go. I'm open to other opinions, as I know there are people here much further along in their recovery.
Thanks again!
Marci
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 62
S-Anon for thos involved with sexaholics.....
Originally Posted by teendoc
NJriverman: I want to thank you so much for suggesting S-Anon to me. I went to my first meeting last night and it was wonderful. I felt as though people really understood the pain I was going through. Being the partner of a sex addict is something not everyone gets or can relate to. The shame and isolation is so overwhelming. But the people at the meeting last night really understood.
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much!
There are also sanon meetings in Havertown PA, Yardley PA, and Bryn Athyn PA all of which are close to you.
Be sure to buy the literature!
Send you hubby on Sat AM to our Sexahoilcs Anonymous meeting at the Starting Point.
Wednesdays 7pm-8pm.
STRATFORD NJ- (Freedom Group. Conference Center, enter side door facing Kennedy Emergency (next to Magnetic Imaging.. Take I-295 to exit 29A, US 30 East (Lawnside/Berlin.. Go 3 mi. to Right on Laurel Road East (after Friendlies and Pep Boys, before Ford.. The Conference Center is 1 story brown brick on left between Pharmacy and Hospital. Walking distance from Lindenwold stop of PATCO Speed Line. ('Dave 856.304.8889, Tim K 856.858.4101, Paul 609.420.4242..
Saturdays 9am-10am
WESTMONT NJ- Starting Point, 215 Highland Ave, Westmont NJ. (1.FROM Ben Franklin Bridge onto RT. 30 (Admiral Wilson Blvd.. Stay in the left lane, go up ramp. At top of ramp go LEFT onto Route 70 East. Stay on Route 70 E. past Bishop Eustice High on Right. Next right Cuthbert Road (before overpass.. Take Cuthbert to left at 3rd traffic light on Haddon Ave. Go thru one light and make left onto Center St. (Dunkin Donuts, Dominos, J and J Mart on left.. Take 1st right onto Highland after old firehall, OR (2. From Walt Whitman bear right off the bridge on RT. 130 N. Go to 2nd light, right onto Haddon. Go thru 2 lights, left at Center St. (Haddon Mart on left.. 1st right on Highland. THEN 3rd Bldg on left. Entrance C in back left side of bldg. Ask desk for "SA". ('Dave 856.304.8889, Tim K. 856.858.4101, Paul 609.420.4242.
Tuesday and Thursdays 7 to 8pm
PHILA-4th St- St Augustine’s Roman Catholic Church. On 4th Street between Vine and Race, directly under Ben Franklin Bridge. From highways follow signs for Independence Hall. Park in lot directly before church on right. Enter from sidewalk level door on Bridge side, thru a single iron gated doorway. Go thru office to meeting room on right. Do not go up steps. Ring bell marked SA. Iron gate is from sidewalk , street level facing bridge. (Bill R Jr 215.228.5887 or Paul NJ 609.420.4242.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 62
SANON is a solution
Originally Posted by catlady
I have been a "lurker" on these boards for more than a year. I have gained much knowledge about codependency. I have been reluctant to post, because my dh is a sex addict. I feared much of the same types of responses I saw here.
I agree that the effects of living with addiction have SO many similiarities. In the program I have learned to look for our similiarities instead of our differences.
I agree that the effects of living with addiction have SO many similiarities. In the program I have learned to look for our similiarities instead of our differences.
If you have been affected by someone else's sexual behavior, you can find help in S-Anon, whether or not that person seeks recovery from sexual addiction.
Please take a moment to ask yourself the questions below to help you decide whether you can benefit from what S-Anon has to offer. Further information, which may also help you decide whether S-Anon is for you, may be found by reading more about the common characteristics of S-Anon members.
This checklist is provided as a tool; answers are not being recorded in any way.
YES NO
1. Have you often felt hurt, ashamed or embarrassed by someone else's sexual conduct?
2. Are you afraid to upset the sexaholic for fear that he or she will leave you?
3. Have you sometimes found yourself searching for clues about someone else's sexual behavior?
4. Have you ever fantasized, obsessed or worried about someone else's sexual problems?
5. Have you ever made threats to others or promises to yourself ("If this happens again, I'll leave.") that you did not carry out?
6. Have you ever tried to control somebody else's sexual thoughts or behavior by doing things like throwing away pornography, dressing suggestively, or being sexual with them in order to keep them from being sexual with others?
7. Has your involvement with another person or their sexual behavior ever affected your relationship with your children, your co-workers or other friends or family members?
8. Have you often lied to others or made excuses to yourself about another person's sexual conduct?
9. Have you had money problems because of someone else's sexual behavior?
10. Have you engaged in sexual behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable or ashamed, or is physically dangerous, fearing that if you don't the sexaholic will leave you?
11. Have you ever felt confused and unable to separate what is true from what is not true when talking with the sexaholic?
12. Have you ever thought about or attempted suicide because of someone else's sexual behavior?
13. Have you often used sex to keep peace in the family or smooth over problems?
14. Does sex (for example, thinking about it, doing it, talking about it, worrying about it) play an all-consuming role in the relationship?
15. Have you ever felt abandoned emotionally because of your partner's use of pornography or masturbation?
16. Have you ever helped someone get out of jail or other legal trouble as a result of his or her sexual behavior, or feared that this kind of thing could happen?
17. Have you often thought that the sexaholic's behavior was caused by other people, such as friends or sexual partners? by society in general? by his/her job, religion, or birth family?
18. Have you ever suspected that anyone was inappropriately sexually interested in any of your children?
19. Do you feel alone in your problem?
http://sanon.org/Sanon.htm
National information line for S-ANON (12 step spiritual program for the family members or friends of those addicted to sexually compulsive and self-destructive behavior.: (615. 833.3152, www.sanon.org.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 47
Can I tell you all how happy I am to be here? This group is wonderful. I am indeed blessed. Magic: I read your words and said, ah ha! This is what I need to remember and understand. I still don't automatically understand addictive behaviors as well as I know I one day will. When I read your post, I was filled with gratitude with again having found such an incredible group.
Marci: I am with you in requesting that this thread not be closed because of trolls attempting to be disruptive. When I look at the viewing stats for this thread, I am amazed. It is clear to me that this topic is touching people in a meaningful way. Being a newbie here I do not want to appear pushy, but perhaps it speaks to a need for its own section.
I see people posting on the COSA message list and serenity place and those are wonderful venues, but those lists are closed. There is no "board" per se that lurkers can read and get support. Here is a different type of place, an open board for recovery, so that even if people aren't willing to post, they can read and gain the knowledge that they are not alone.
There is nothing more isolating that sex addiction. I used to be such an open person, living my life as an open book, until I realized the extent of my husband's addiction. I hid myself out of shame. Who could I talk to about this? Who would understand? This was not a mainstream addiction. So many people (as we have seen) don't even believe that this is a real addiction, whatever that means.
For me, a previously open person, to have a place where it is now safe to talk about my experiences, strengths and hope in my recovery, I am thrilled. Utterly thrilled. Thank you all for accepting me here.
NJRiverman: My SAH has already been to his first SA meeting and he was very pleased. He went to the Freedom group on Wednesday night. He is also planning to go to the Saturday meeting as long as he doesn't have to go to work early. Even though he got much from his attending AA (as a non-alcoholic), he said that he never felt comfortable sharing his sexual addictions too much in that group. With SA there is not that problem. You have helped us both greatly. I cannot thank you enough.
So let me get off my soapbox. I just wanted to say thanks again.
Happy Friday, everyone!
Remember that self pity is at the core of a lot of addictions. Robert's problems must be worse than everyone else's. That is his excuse for not focussing on a solution. Everyone else has it easy compared to him, so everyone should feel sorry for him. Addiction is very self centered. He really believes that. His disease has convinced him that he can't recover. As long as he can hurt people in this post, he has done what an addict does: pull those around him into his misery. His words are a manipulation. He has come to a group of codies to push our buttons. And he has been successful. He has successfully taken the focus of this post off of recovery, hope, and support, and put it on him. Let's practice detachment and choose not to go there. Just a suggestion.
Marci: I am with you in requesting that this thread not be closed because of trolls attempting to be disruptive. When I look at the viewing stats for this thread, I am amazed. It is clear to me that this topic is touching people in a meaningful way. Being a newbie here I do not want to appear pushy, but perhaps it speaks to a need for its own section.
I see people posting on the COSA message list and serenity place and those are wonderful venues, but those lists are closed. There is no "board" per se that lurkers can read and get support. Here is a different type of place, an open board for recovery, so that even if people aren't willing to post, they can read and gain the knowledge that they are not alone.
There is nothing more isolating that sex addiction. I used to be such an open person, living my life as an open book, until I realized the extent of my husband's addiction. I hid myself out of shame. Who could I talk to about this? Who would understand? This was not a mainstream addiction. So many people (as we have seen) don't even believe that this is a real addiction, whatever that means.
For me, a previously open person, to have a place where it is now safe to talk about my experiences, strengths and hope in my recovery, I am thrilled. Utterly thrilled. Thank you all for accepting me here.
NJRiverman: My SAH has already been to his first SA meeting and he was very pleased. He went to the Freedom group on Wednesday night. He is also planning to go to the Saturday meeting as long as he doesn't have to go to work early. Even though he got much from his attending AA (as a non-alcoholic), he said that he never felt comfortable sharing his sexual addictions too much in that group. With SA there is not that problem. You have helped us both greatly. I cannot thank you enough.
So let me get off my soapbox. I just wanted to say thanks again.
Happy Friday, everyone!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lower Mainland, BC
Posts: 5
Hey everyone, this is my first post, and the first time that I have sought out help to deal with my addicted bf. We have lived together for over a year, except for the nights he has spent at his parents house to get high and look at porn. When I first discovered what he did when he was high I didn't really think it was that big of a deal. We had a great sex life, and it really seemed quite harmless and silly to me; almost childish.
That was then and this is now. He had been clean for 8 mnths, up until two weeks ago. He has used two times since then, both of which I have been around to somewhat witness. What became apparent to me was all together heart wrenching and appauling. The first time he got high, I went to collect what money he had left, and while I was there I told him to give me the computer. He would not, under any circumstance. After much deliberation on my part, I took the money and left...
the following week and a half later when I realized what it was he was up to I again returned to his parents house...telling myself more than anything to again simply make sure he was ok, and not interfere. When I arrived i could see through the window what he was doing...drugs, surfing the web. I simply sat outside on the car and watched him for a moment, until it became unberarable to watch him getting high. I went inside and very calmly nocked on the door, saying I wasn't there to stop him, I just wanted to make sure he was ok...he refused to open the door, so I went back outside to see what he was up to. He was holding the locked door, to assure I couldn't make me way in, while wavering in the middle of the room trying to read the computer screen and type the odd reply.....as I sat there and watched I realized he had no idea I had left. However, I had stopped knocking on the door so he felt comfortable enough to sit back down. How is it that someone who quite obviously loves me could so easily completely tune me out. It could have been anyone on the other side of the door as far as he was concerned. Not only was I getting in the way of him getting high, I was getting in the way of what he was really interested in. Whatever, or whoever he was talking to on the internet. It has turned into an almost sick fascination to know what it is that he looks at, who he talks to. It was very apparent when I finally convinced him to open the door that he had bad drugs, and so after he gave me his money again, I told myself I was staying just in case I had to call an ambulance. Before he had built up a pretty good tolerance, but he was doing just as much as before and I was truly scared. While he was downstairs talking to god knows who and looking at smut, I was upstairs on the phone with the hospital and addiciton lines in search of some form of help. All the while every hour and a bit taking a peak to see that he was not dead. I started asking what the both of us had done to deserve being thrown into this hell, because surely that is what this place had become. Since that day, (wedndesday) I have been looking for help for him. It was only someone I was calling who pointed out that perhaps I might seek out something like alanon.
Sexual addiciton is in itself a huge disease, and there is medical proof to prove that the part of the brain that reacts to cocaine is in the same spot where sexual feelings of euphoria stem from. As my bf is addicted to this drug I worry that he will never be able to have a normal sexual relationship.
Like others have mentioned, is is the porn stuff that is so hurtful. I can understand the drug part, but the porn part truly makes me sad. I feel better having just said my piece, or at least part of it. Thanks for reading
bright
P.S.
hey
P.S. hey Birddog, it's not the girlie websites that are so awful, it's the men/women who use them to escape. If looking at and talking to people on the internet is the only way you can express yourself sexually when you have a gf, wife, parter whatever whom you love it isn't just a girlie website. It's a reason to not deal with the issues in your life. Maybe you should move onto something more constructive that putting people down because they deal with enough **** from their partners already. Thanks.
That was then and this is now. He had been clean for 8 mnths, up until two weeks ago. He has used two times since then, both of which I have been around to somewhat witness. What became apparent to me was all together heart wrenching and appauling. The first time he got high, I went to collect what money he had left, and while I was there I told him to give me the computer. He would not, under any circumstance. After much deliberation on my part, I took the money and left...
the following week and a half later when I realized what it was he was up to I again returned to his parents house...telling myself more than anything to again simply make sure he was ok, and not interfere. When I arrived i could see through the window what he was doing...drugs, surfing the web. I simply sat outside on the car and watched him for a moment, until it became unberarable to watch him getting high. I went inside and very calmly nocked on the door, saying I wasn't there to stop him, I just wanted to make sure he was ok...he refused to open the door, so I went back outside to see what he was up to. He was holding the locked door, to assure I couldn't make me way in, while wavering in the middle of the room trying to read the computer screen and type the odd reply.....as I sat there and watched I realized he had no idea I had left. However, I had stopped knocking on the door so he felt comfortable enough to sit back down. How is it that someone who quite obviously loves me could so easily completely tune me out. It could have been anyone on the other side of the door as far as he was concerned. Not only was I getting in the way of him getting high, I was getting in the way of what he was really interested in. Whatever, or whoever he was talking to on the internet. It has turned into an almost sick fascination to know what it is that he looks at, who he talks to. It was very apparent when I finally convinced him to open the door that he had bad drugs, and so after he gave me his money again, I told myself I was staying just in case I had to call an ambulance. Before he had built up a pretty good tolerance, but he was doing just as much as before and I was truly scared. While he was downstairs talking to god knows who and looking at smut, I was upstairs on the phone with the hospital and addiciton lines in search of some form of help. All the while every hour and a bit taking a peak to see that he was not dead. I started asking what the both of us had done to deserve being thrown into this hell, because surely that is what this place had become. Since that day, (wedndesday) I have been looking for help for him. It was only someone I was calling who pointed out that perhaps I might seek out something like alanon.
Sexual addiciton is in itself a huge disease, and there is medical proof to prove that the part of the brain that reacts to cocaine is in the same spot where sexual feelings of euphoria stem from. As my bf is addicted to this drug I worry that he will never be able to have a normal sexual relationship.
Like others have mentioned, is is the porn stuff that is so hurtful. I can understand the drug part, but the porn part truly makes me sad. I feel better having just said my piece, or at least part of it. Thanks for reading
bright
P.S.
hey
P.S. hey Birddog, it's not the girlie websites that are so awful, it's the men/women who use them to escape. If looking at and talking to people on the internet is the only way you can express yourself sexually when you have a gf, wife, parter whatever whom you love it isn't just a girlie website. It's a reason to not deal with the issues in your life. Maybe you should move onto something more constructive that putting people down because they deal with enough **** from their partners already. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Buttafly,
You are obviously working through a world of hurt right now, and I'm sorry about that. Robbed of the person you love, not only by drug addiction, but by sexual addiction as well. Your post was a true testament that sexual addiction is a real, painful and devastating thing.
I'm glad you found us. Stick around. You will find a lot of support and understanding here.
Gabe
You are obviously working through a world of hurt right now, and I'm sorry about that. Robbed of the person you love, not only by drug addiction, but by sexual addiction as well. Your post was a true testament that sexual addiction is a real, painful and devastating thing.
I'm glad you found us. Stick around. You will find a lot of support and understanding here.
Gabe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 47
(((Bright Buttafly)))
Thank you so much for sharing. I understand the pain you expressed. I'm trying very hard to just work on myself and let my SAH cope with his addiction without my help. It is quite difficult indeed to let go when we see someone hurting, but we have to do it otherwise we hurt ourselves.
Last night I let my husband on to my computer to search for directions to the job training he had to go to today. Yet after he found the directions, he then started to use his job search program that he had installed to search for jobs. Initially I thought it would be OK for him to use my computer if I monitored his usage, especially since I want him to get a job. However last night I was tired, wanted to go to bed, and didn't want to sit up monitoring him. He's like, can I have a half-hour more? And I said, "Weren't you supposed to be running this program at the library or the employment center you go to?" (The only computers he's been allowing himself to use) Then he tells me (though he said that he had told me before) that the job search program that he is using will not run from a USB drive, so he hasn't been able to use it at all.
At first I thought that I should give him the half-hour to job search, but as I found myself getting more and more anxious about what he's doing when I'm not in there or what he would do if I fell asleep and left him in there with the computer unlocked, I realized something major: I shouldn't be involved with this at all! I shouldn't be monitoring him and I shouldn't be allowing him to use my computer at all if I am not comfortable. He's got to find some other way. I don't want to be involved with this addiction of his and by monitoring and allowing him to use my computer, I've made myself involved again.
I then went back and told him that he would have to find another person's computer to use for his job searching because I don't feel at all comfortable with his using mine. Of course I felt guilty because I have now impeded his job search, but then I remember that he brought my computer into his porn addiction so I have no choice but to set a boundary that I will not be involved in either his addiction or recovery process. It is up to him to find another avenue to job search because of his addiction.
I still feel guilty, but I'm also completely in touch with the necessity of doing what I did.
Way to ramble, huh?
Thank you so much for sharing. I understand the pain you expressed. I'm trying very hard to just work on myself and let my SAH cope with his addiction without my help. It is quite difficult indeed to let go when we see someone hurting, but we have to do it otherwise we hurt ourselves.
Last night I let my husband on to my computer to search for directions to the job training he had to go to today. Yet after he found the directions, he then started to use his job search program that he had installed to search for jobs. Initially I thought it would be OK for him to use my computer if I monitored his usage, especially since I want him to get a job. However last night I was tired, wanted to go to bed, and didn't want to sit up monitoring him. He's like, can I have a half-hour more? And I said, "Weren't you supposed to be running this program at the library or the employment center you go to?" (The only computers he's been allowing himself to use) Then he tells me (though he said that he had told me before) that the job search program that he is using will not run from a USB drive, so he hasn't been able to use it at all.
At first I thought that I should give him the half-hour to job search, but as I found myself getting more and more anxious about what he's doing when I'm not in there or what he would do if I fell asleep and left him in there with the computer unlocked, I realized something major: I shouldn't be involved with this at all! I shouldn't be monitoring him and I shouldn't be allowing him to use my computer at all if I am not comfortable. He's got to find some other way. I don't want to be involved with this addiction of his and by monitoring and allowing him to use my computer, I've made myself involved again.
I then went back and told him that he would have to find another person's computer to use for his job searching because I don't feel at all comfortable with his using mine. Of course I felt guilty because I have now impeded his job search, but then I remember that he brought my computer into his porn addiction so I have no choice but to set a boundary that I will not be involved in either his addiction or recovery process. It is up to him to find another avenue to job search because of his addiction.
I still feel guilty, but I'm also completely in touch with the necessity of doing what I did.
Way to ramble, huh?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by bright_buttafly
Hey everyone, this is my first post, and the first time that I have sought out help to deal with my addicted bf. ......... Since that day, (wedndesday) I have been looking for help for him. It was only someone I was calling who pointed out that perhaps I might seek out something like alanon.
Sexual addiciton is in itself a huge disease, and there is medical proof to prove that the part of the brain that reacts to cocaine is in the same spot where sexual feelings of euphoria stem from. As my bf is addicted to this drug I worry that he will never be able to have a normal sexual relationship.
Like others have mentioned, is is the porn stuff that is so hurtful. I can understand the drug part, but the porn part truly makes me sad. I feel better having just said my piece, or at least part of it. Thanks for reading
bright
.
Sexual addiciton is in itself a huge disease, and there is medical proof to prove that the part of the brain that reacts to cocaine is in the same spot where sexual feelings of euphoria stem from. As my bf is addicted to this drug I worry that he will never be able to have a normal sexual relationship.
Like others have mentioned, is is the porn stuff that is so hurtful. I can understand the drug part, but the porn part truly makes me sad. I feel better having just said my piece, or at least part of it. Thanks for reading
bright
.
National information line for S-ANON (12 step spiritual program for the family members or friends of those addicted to sexually compulsive and self-destructive behavior.: (615. 833.3152, www.sanon.org.
FOR HIM
http://www.SA.org
Paul in NJ
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Michigan
Posts: 34
njriverman,
Thanks for the info on S-Anon. I have been attending for more than 2 years. It has certainly saved my sanity!! I highly recommend it for anyone affected by anothers sexual activity.
Thanks teendoc, for bringing this issue out of the closet on this website.
Cat
Thanks for the info on S-Anon. I have been attending for more than 2 years. It has certainly saved my sanity!! I highly recommend it for anyone affected by anothers sexual activity.
Thanks teendoc, for bringing this issue out of the closet on this website.
Cat
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 62
sa and sanon one day speaker jam
Originally Posted by catlady
njriverman,
Thanks for the info on S-Anon. I have been attending for more than 2 years. It has certainly saved my sanity!! I highly recommend it for anyone affected by anothers sexual activity.
Thanks teendoc, for bringing this issue out of the closet on this website.
Cat
Thanks for the info on S-Anon. I have been attending for more than 2 years. It has certainly saved my sanity!! I highly recommend it for anyone affected by anothers sexual activity.
Thanks teendoc, for bringing this issue out of the closet on this website.
Cat
Or try Pittsburgh phone line Pittsburgh / SW PA: 724-224-0877
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 47
Hi Everyone,
I'm just venting/sharing a little tonight. Though I have really come far in (at least from the raving lunatic that I was) better relating to my husband, I'm still having trouble getting close to him. Part of it, I know, is the rejection I've felt for so long as he has indulged his online porn addiction and has been unable to be intimate with me. But the rest is just so much anger at where we are and how much his addiction has just messed everything up. When the anger rears up, I don't even want to kiss him goodnight. I just want to wall myself off from intimacy with him.
I think it is sad that it seems to be happening more as he continues to do better with his recovery. He's behaving more like a man and less like my son, and that is what I've wanted. Yet I still hear a little voice in my head that says, don't trust it. Don't succumb. Definitely not helpful voices.
I know that somewhere, at either my Al-Anon or S-Anon meeting, there was a saying that you should treat your partner gently (or something like this). I keep trying to remember this when I want to pull back. They also said I should act lovingly, even if I don't fully feel it yet. I'm trying to remember this as well. I know that I do love him. I just don't trust him as yet. I don't know when I'll be able to let my guard down.
I'll keep working on it.
This is so cute:
I'm just venting/sharing a little tonight. Though I have really come far in (at least from the raving lunatic that I was) better relating to my husband, I'm still having trouble getting close to him. Part of it, I know, is the rejection I've felt for so long as he has indulged his online porn addiction and has been unable to be intimate with me. But the rest is just so much anger at where we are and how much his addiction has just messed everything up. When the anger rears up, I don't even want to kiss him goodnight. I just want to wall myself off from intimacy with him.
I think it is sad that it seems to be happening more as he continues to do better with his recovery. He's behaving more like a man and less like my son, and that is what I've wanted. Yet I still hear a little voice in my head that says, don't trust it. Don't succumb. Definitely not helpful voices.
I know that somewhere, at either my Al-Anon or S-Anon meeting, there was a saying that you should treat your partner gently (or something like this). I keep trying to remember this when I want to pull back. They also said I should act lovingly, even if I don't fully feel it yet. I'm trying to remember this as well. I know that I do love him. I just don't trust him as yet. I don't know when I'll be able to let my guard down.
I'll keep working on it.
This is so cute:
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 62
Couples recovery meetings...
There are also recovering couples meetings in South Jersey. Stratford Kennedy Hospital Sunday nights I do believe. Steve/Dana at 609.560.9623.
There are alos great s-anon, sexaholics anonymous meetings at the saME TIME sATURDAYS 7:30pm just over bridge in Langhorne pa. They also have a couples meeting once a month before the meetings. There you will see happy healing loving couples who have made the journey you are just beginning.
There are alos great s-anon, sexaholics anonymous meetings at the saME TIME sATURDAYS 7:30pm just over bridge in Langhorne pa. They also have a couples meeting once a month before the meetings. There you will see happy healing loving couples who have made the journey you are just beginning.
See my horse, Angel!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Land of Cheese
Posts: 45
If you haven't been in her shoes then you really have no room to talk or give negative comments. I also have dealt with this with my husband along with his drinking. Like someone said drinking isn't enough??? I find it VERY hurtful to find these disgusting sites while not expecting them. I feel like it not only breaks trust but he might as well be cheating on me while he is at it, it hurts almost as bad.
He promised to stop then he does it again, just like the drinking. I have AOL and they have a gaurdian on it, so I used that for a very long time. I took it off recently, I feel that I am not his mother and if I can't trust him, then we shouldn't be married.
I feel for you, and understand how hurtful it can be. Your not alone!
He promised to stop then he does it again, just like the drinking. I have AOL and they have a gaurdian on it, so I used that for a very long time. I took it off recently, I feel that I am not his mother and if I can't trust him, then we shouldn't be married.
I feel for you, and understand how hurtful it can be. Your not alone!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 88
The views people have about porn worldwide all seem to be alike. But people here in Europe seem more open minded on topless bathing...page 3 girls and nudity in general. In paper today was a article that I saw...Policemen suspended over porn report.
http://uk.news.*****.com/040815/80/f0ccq.html
Porn is a big business and causes major problems for families. All the hurt and heartache this causes..only makes big money for the criminals who sell the stuff.
http://uk.news.*****.com/040815/80/f0ccq.html
Porn is a big business and causes major problems for families. All the hurt and heartache this causes..only makes big money for the criminals who sell the stuff.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 62
Negative comments?
Originally Posted by Bambi
If you haven't been in her shoes then you really have no room to talk or give negative comments. I also have dealt with this with my husband along with his drinking. Like someone said drinking isn't enough??? I find it VERY hurtful to find these disgusting sites while not expecting them. I feel like it not only breaks trust but he might as well be cheating on me while he is at it, it hurts almost as bad.
He promised to stop then he does it again, just like the drinking. I have AOL and they have a gaurdian on it, so I used that for a very long time. I took it off recently, I feel that I am not his mother and if I can't trust him, then we shouldn't be married.
I feel for you, and understand how hurtful it can be. Your not alone!
He promised to stop then he does it again, just like the drinking. I have AOL and they have a gaurdian on it, so I used that for a very long time. I took it off recently, I feel that I am not his mother and if I can't trust him, then we shouldn't be married.
I feel for you, and understand how hurtful it can be. Your not alone!
I was offering healing suggestions, SA, SANON, and RCA all promote healing.
National information line for S-ANON (12 step spiritual program for the family members or friends of those addicted to sexually compulsive and self-destructive behavior.: (615. 833.3152, www.sanon.org.
http://www.SA.org
ALSO TO OUR UK FRIEND: Sexaholics in UK visit http://www.sauk.org or Call 24 hour helpline on 07000 725463
To receive other inspirational messages please join our online Sexaholics group.
http://health.groups.*****.com/group/PhillySA/
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 88
njriverman...3. Have you sometimes found yourself searching for clues about someone else's sexual behavior?
Interesting stuff....my AH hasn't had sex with me for over two years now..yet I wonder what he does to satify his needs. Am I keeping a blind eye? My AH drinks at home...I have never caught him watching porn..but he stays up all night and I don't want to keep taps on him. Just had enough of his drinking. He has been arrested and charged with a porn problem about 22 months ago. Now he says he isn't doing anything..but I don't trust him. He has a extra storage garage and won't let me see what is in their. I want to clean it out...get rid of the extra £40.00 a month it costs us to keep this. So do I be sneaky and get the key to check this out..or do I be upfront and tell AH I want to see whats in this garage?
Interesting stuff....my AH hasn't had sex with me for over two years now..yet I wonder what he does to satify his needs. Am I keeping a blind eye? My AH drinks at home...I have never caught him watching porn..but he stays up all night and I don't want to keep taps on him. Just had enough of his drinking. He has been arrested and charged with a porn problem about 22 months ago. Now he says he isn't doing anything..but I don't trust him. He has a extra storage garage and won't let me see what is in their. I want to clean it out...get rid of the extra £40.00 a month it costs us to keep this. So do I be sneaky and get the key to check this out..or do I be upfront and tell AH I want to see whats in this garage?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 62
Well the textbook answer and what I would do are at the opposite end.
Get him info from here
Sexaholics in UK visit http://www.sauk.org or Call 24 hour helpline on 07000 725463
You should visit www.sanon.org.
Whatever I did I would not ignor the proverbial elephant in the room, pretending it is not there..... that helps noone.
Good luck, no matter what you do and what happens eventually be in much better place..... be it with him or without.
God Bless.........
Get him info from here
Sexaholics in UK visit http://www.sauk.org or Call 24 hour helpline on 07000 725463
You should visit www.sanon.org.
Whatever I did I would not ignor the proverbial elephant in the room, pretending it is not there..... that helps noone.
Good luck, no matter what you do and what happens eventually be in much better place..... be it with him or without.
God Bless.........
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