helluvagalnva

For years now I thought that I loved my husband more than anything on earth and that if only he would quit drinking we would have the best marriage and life the life I had always dreamed of. Well, I know it's too early to tell if he's for real or not and that he doesn't want to drink anymore. He's been 18 days now with no alcohol and still doing great.

The problem is, is that yesterday we spent the day together as a family and I realized I feel differently toward him now. I'm now wondering if there is just too much water under the bridge to ever feel the love, trust, and respect I once had for him. Over time do those feelings come back? I don't know if I like him as a person. I feel that I've really changed and grown in a much different direction then him. He still has other issues like for example he's very agressive which I hate and I don't like the way he speaks to the kids, he speaks to them disrespectful.

I feel like if I want to have a glass of wine that I should be able to but feel like I can't because it'll make him want one and I'll be the reason he starts drinking again.
I am so confused. I don't want to hurt his feelings but at the same time I don't want to hurt mine more. I can't believe I just said that. Wow, that's a first.

He kept saying over and over I want a kiss and a hug. I didn't want to kiss him or hug him then he just grapped me and pulled me to him without any regards to my wishes and feelings as usaul. I felt nothing but anger because he didn't respect me. I can understand him wanting affection it's been along time since we've been together but I can't help the way I feel. I can't help that he wanted alcohol over me for 8 years and now all of sudden he has seen the light so to speak and now wants me. I guess he thinks I'm just supposed to pick up where we left off so many years ago. For so long I wanted him to show me and only me that he loved me. He has hurt me so badly that I don't think I'll ever be able to forget the pain and every time I see him it reminds me of that. I have forgiven him but I can't seem to forget.

Does any body feel this way or have felt this way? Does any one have any advise for me?
I

[This message has been edited by helluvagalnva (edited April 08, 2002).]

bonbon

Hey there, I may not have advice, but I can say I understand where for many years you have all of this hurt, we stick by our A's and lots of times we do not start to seek help until it is over or almost over, we take so much pain and hurt from them, I can see what you mean about your feeligs changing for him. In my case my A also smokes pot and crack on occasion, and he has been flopping back and forth between me and his daughter and another woman. It has made me hit my bottom emotionally, and I have started to get help.

Like I said, while reading your post that is not surprising me that feelings have changed, esp after all that we endure. I know it is hard. I just wish somebody could come and MAKE my feelings change. Your not alone. Keep coming back here as well.
Take Care,
Love,
bonbon

Rose56

Oh you described my current position exactly, except my husband has not stopped drinking yet. I feel the same way, especially about sex. I just dont want any because I feel there is a wall between us. I dont have any advice, but I sure could use some. I do know that I am not that good at forgiving and forgetting. And I understand now that I carry resentment, anger, and hostility toward my husband. And you know what? I know its not all because of the drinking, some of it is I just want to have someone to blame and I got use to blaming him. Some things are his fault but others are not and I still blame him. I think that as I am able to detach, I will be able to let go of the resentment, anger etc. Because I will be building a better me, a me that doesnt need someone to blame.
Thanks for sharing, you got me right on the button!

JT

Think about all the years that you trusted him and he didn't deserve it and you kept getting kicked in the teeth. They say in the Big Book, I believe, that it takes the alcoholic just as long to regain the trust and respect of their loved ones as it took to lose it. Your husband should not expect 18 days sober to fix 8 years of drinking and and all that goes with it. And neither should you.

Now on the other side of the coin...you can slowly try to change your focus. Instead of dwelling on all the bad, try to thnk of some of his good qualities. Maybe he is a snappy dresser or he picks up his own socks. Or cooks from time to time. There is good in everyone and there had to be something for you to have fallen in love with him in the beginning...what were those things? He is still the same person...he has just gotten the disease of alcoholism.

Now if he is harsh to the children and that is something you cannot tolerate...now that is something altogether different.

Putting a relatonship back together after years of alcoholic behavior on both of your parts takes time...alot of time. And you are not the only one who needs to keep their expectations realistic.

One day at a time....
Paula