Do they get enjoyment from being mean?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Do they get enjoyment from being mean?
AH's voice sounds so happy when he's done something hurtful and he has a big GRIN on his face for God's sake! Part of my "letting go" has been to not engage when he does that. But his cousin recently remarked to me that he thinks AH enjoys hurting me and the kids so others have noticed it too.
AH is so messed up. Way more messed up than I could have thought possible one year ago.
By the way, no contact with the kids for more than a month. Not even a text. When you all told me "more will be revealed" about a year ago, you sure weren't kidding.
AH is so messed up. Way more messed up than I could have thought possible one year ago.
By the way, no contact with the kids for more than a month. Not even a text. When you all told me "more will be revealed" about a year ago, you sure weren't kidding.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
If he seems to enjoy saying hurtful things, it sounds a lot like anger. It's probably anger at himself, unacknowledged and directed at you. Stay as far away as you can.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Your ex and my AH are so much alike, Amy. You've really helped me with all your insight. He may be a narcissist (therapist won't diagnose as such because he hasn't stopped drinking and alcoholism and NPD can look alike).
I found a lawyer. Just not yet ready to file.
I found a lawyer. Just not yet ready to file.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Naples FL
Posts: 61
My AH did the same thing...last time he did it I packed his things and put them on the porch. I left the house so I would not be there when he came home from work and I would be safe. The verbal abuse was horrific and feared it would turn physical. Used to believe if I cleaned the house better, or lost another 5 lbs, or made a nice dinner it would make him happy...I now realize it is a horrific disease and I want to survive and be well. I love this man, but beginning to realize that can not make him well...He has to do that all on his own. He is going to counseling with me so it is a start...time heals! Be strong! They hate themselves just use us for their dartboard...
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
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Alcoholic thinking is based in
Selfishness
Fear
Inconsideration
Dis-honesty
I learnt that doing a 4th step inventory.
The problem is as a still wet alcoholic, those realisations are impossible to see. Can't see them and don't even want to look.
Which is why it's called "being in denial" I guess.
It's one of the most unfortunate things about alcoholism.... The only time we are ready to start to think about stopping drinking is when we get in enough personal pain. Physical, mental and (we don't know it at the time) spiritual.
The pain we cause those around us won't stop us (although it contributes) but ultimately, booze is the biggest slave driver that has to whip us into enough pain that we can't take it anymore.
It may be comforting to know that, he is more puzzled about why he drinks than anyone.
By the time it gets to the stage of drinking away a wife and family, it's not about being a party boy or just having a good time (although people look and think "he just needs to grow up).... By the time drink is pulling wives and kids out of our lives, it has gotten to the stage that we simply don't know how to stop and stay stopped.
If it was that easy, no one would, drink away families.
The problem is, we don't know, what we don't know.
What we don't know is the thinking we run on as listed above.
Even if you show him this post, he will read it and say
"what a load of crap "
The realisations have to come from within... Until he is in enough pain, he will remain in denial.
Sorry if that paints a grim picture, but the good news is, recovery is possible.
The quicker he smashes his selfish arrogance out of himself with more booze, the quicker he can get help.
Selfishness
Fear
Inconsideration
Dis-honesty
I learnt that doing a 4th step inventory.
The problem is as a still wet alcoholic, those realisations are impossible to see. Can't see them and don't even want to look.
Which is why it's called "being in denial" I guess.
It's one of the most unfortunate things about alcoholism.... The only time we are ready to start to think about stopping drinking is when we get in enough personal pain. Physical, mental and (we don't know it at the time) spiritual.
The pain we cause those around us won't stop us (although it contributes) but ultimately, booze is the biggest slave driver that has to whip us into enough pain that we can't take it anymore.
It may be comforting to know that, he is more puzzled about why he drinks than anyone.
By the time it gets to the stage of drinking away a wife and family, it's not about being a party boy or just having a good time (although people look and think "he just needs to grow up).... By the time drink is pulling wives and kids out of our lives, it has gotten to the stage that we simply don't know how to stop and stay stopped.
If it was that easy, no one would, drink away families.
The problem is, we don't know, what we don't know.
What we don't know is the thinking we run on as listed above.
Even if you show him this post, he will read it and say
"what a load of crap "
The realisations have to come from within... Until he is in enough pain, he will remain in denial.
Sorry if that paints a grim picture, but the good news is, recovery is possible.
The quicker he smashes his selfish arrogance out of himself with more booze, the quicker he can get help.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I have a kid with a lot of pain and trauma. When she's sinking fast, when the pain gets too big, she resorts to disordered eating and self-harm. She will also be incredibly hateful and mean to people around her. She says she feels so horribly bad at those times that she just feels better if she can let some of the bad out and hurt others. She says it's similar to self-harm in that it gives her momentary relief from the pain she's feeling.
And sometimes, I wonder if the hurtful outbursts of alcoholics aren't something similar? That it's just another unhealthy way of dealing with the wolf inside that's eating away at their souls?
I'm saying that not to make anyone feel sorry for people who behave that way, no matter what the reason. It's an explanation -- not an excuse.
Oh, and let me add one more thing: It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter why someone treats you in an unacceptable way. It doesn't matter what they feel when they do it. What matters is that they have no right to treat you that way. I don't care if they do it because they have a brain tumor the size of a grapefruit. You still don't need to take that.
And sometimes, I wonder if the hurtful outbursts of alcoholics aren't something similar? That it's just another unhealthy way of dealing with the wolf inside that's eating away at their souls?
I'm saying that not to make anyone feel sorry for people who behave that way, no matter what the reason. It's an explanation -- not an excuse.
Oh, and let me add one more thing: It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter why someone treats you in an unacceptable way. It doesn't matter what they feel when they do it. What matters is that they have no right to treat you that way. I don't care if they do it because they have a brain tumor the size of a grapefruit. You still don't need to take that.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I think that anyone actively drinking and dealing with whatever issues they have by self medicating with alcohol INEVITABLY lash out at others because to look at themselves honestly (even if they claim to be doing so) is impossible.
So, I dont know if they are happy when they are cruel to someone else and hurt others as much as they are relieved to have somewhere else, at least for a while, to project their self hatred.
I ALSO think (and it took me a while to see this) that acting holier than thou is the passive aggressive version of being nasty and angry.... But it serves the same purpose for the A.
My xAH and other addicts I have known/worked with/encountered seem to operate either being nasty and cruel or sanctimonious and holier than thou.
Two sides of the same coin I say.
And those who say that their A is kind and gentle and only takes out their hate toward themself... my reply is just wait... It's not a progressive disease for nothing...
So, I dont know if they are happy when they are cruel to someone else and hurt others as much as they are relieved to have somewhere else, at least for a while, to project their self hatred.
I ALSO think (and it took me a while to see this) that acting holier than thou is the passive aggressive version of being nasty and angry.... But it serves the same purpose for the A.
My xAH and other addicts I have known/worked with/encountered seem to operate either being nasty and cruel or sanctimonious and holier than thou.
Two sides of the same coin I say.
And those who say that their A is kind and gentle and only takes out their hate toward themself... my reply is just wait... It's not a progressive disease for nothing...
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
I have a kid with a lot of pain and trauma. When she's sinking fast, when the pain gets too big, she resorts to disordered eating and self-harm. She will also be incredibly hateful and mean to people around her. She says she feels so horribly bad at those times that she just feels better if she can let some of the bad out and hurt others. She says it's similar to self-harm in that it gives her momentary relief from the pain she's feeling.
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