amy55

Domestic Abuse/Violence Awareness Month

I wanted to post this, but then got at a loss of words for what I wanted to say. I think I was thinking about Wisconsin's thread. Just guess I was wondering how people react/ feel about this.

Y'all do know that I am an A. I would like to say that I wasn't abusive, but I was. I wasn't all there when my children were growing up. Most of the time I was in the garage drinking, so that I would be able to fall asleep in the car that night, because I was too afraid to go back into the house. The kids, I thought were better then ok, he was fighting with me, therefore, he was extra nice to the kids. At least, that's what I thought.

I think about the newcomers coming here.

I think about how brainwashed or sick in the mind that I was. I was with him for over 25 years.

I think about when my ex first started. It was when we bought our own home. Within a week of this, he threw me to the ground and kicked me in the ribs. Why did he wait so long. We were already married 10 years. Then I think back to the vacation house that we had before we got married. He was throwing glasses and beer bottles at me. I thought he just had a temper, and we can get through this.

I stayed.

I have already told my story here, if you haven't read it, just click on my name.

The thing is, I stayed.

Why?

You got me on that one. I have no idea. I think I got to the point that I was just stuck in my head that I needed to figure things out. I was really deep into this. I just wanted a happy life. So I sucked down the beers to make it go away, I attempted suicide to make it all go away, I would go to sleep and hope that I didn't wake up the next morning.

I sunk into the abyss. I wanted to reach out. I couldn't. What I was hearing was that I caused all of this. That I allowed all of this to happen to me. Perhaps there were some encouraging words in there, I don't know, I finally tried to reach out, I was crying, and those are the words that I heard.

I tried to tell family, my ex was really good though. I think my family loved my ex more then me. They started to tell me that I was crazy. They didn't see, or hear how he talked to me. They didn't believe that I didn't put those black and blues on myself.

So where do you go?

He choked me, I had fingerprints on my neck, I went to the DV shelter. Finally someone believed me.

I didn't go NC. He called me, said he didn't want to be like that, he didn't want me to be afraid of him. I went back.

Numerous times.

I still have a scar under my eye, my back always hurts, I have an indentation on my forehead, and I still went back.

Why do we go back? Stockholm syndrome, intermittent chicken, the frog in the boiling water? I don't know.

So someone comes here, a first time poster. What do we say to this person?

lillamy

I don't know, Amy.
I think I would say...

... that you are valuable. Regardless of what people have told you.
You are an amazing, beautiful person.
God created you, and he don't make no junk.

You may not see it right now, but there is a life out there for you without this pain, without this suffering, without you blaming yourself for things that were never your fault to begin with.

Keep coming here. Keep talking about what's going on in your life. And if you feel that people here are short on patience and keep telling you to do something you can't right now -- keep coming here anyway. And remember that those voices, they tell you to run because they've been where you are. They know the fear, the pain, the hope, that keeps you running away and coming back.

There is help. It doesn't have to be like this. It won't always be like this if you don't want it to.

When I was in your situation, when I was the one being scared and thinking I would die if I left, you know what helped me? ONE person, one single person, saying this to me:

"What I heard through that phone when you walked in the door while still talking to me? That was abuse. I want you to know that. And I want you to know you don't have to live like that."

That was what I needed to hear. Because I had stopped seeing it. I had gotten so accustomed to being blamed, denigrated, raped, hurt, and I kept hearing from the man I had married that he had to do it to me, that it was my fault.

When only one person I trusted called a spade a spade, called abuse abuse, that gave me the courage to agree. It gave me the courage to take a deep breath and dial that number to the domestic violence hotline. I sat in the car pulled over on the highway and I was shaking. I wasn't crying, I couldn't cry, but I was shaking so much the DV person asked if I was cold, if I was outside.

That was the beginning to my freedom.

It is not your fault.
Nobody has the right to treat you this way.

Come back and read those words until you believe them. I'm not the lifelong friend to you that the person was to me who called the abuse I and my children were suffering by its real name. But I'm calling it for you. It's abuse. It's evil. And I don't want you to have to live like this anymore.

I think I would say something like that.

ladyscribbler

So someone comes here, a first time poster. What do we say to this person?

I sometimes have to walk away from those threads because I'm so triggered. If I do manage a reply I say:

I believe you. You're not overreacting. You deserve better.

When I see someone minimizing and justifying- It's only happened a couple of times, S/He is always so remorseful afterward, It only happens when they're drinking, etc, I try to point that out gently. I did the same thing. I separated the times when he was raging and abusive from the honeymoon times.

It's hard to stand idly by and watch the slow motion train wreck, especially if there are children on board. Like I said, those threads really trigger me sometimes, especially when I see a lot of myself in them. It really churns up a lot of shame inside me when I think of what I tolerated and even worse what I put my children through. That's why I keep posting here. Maybe I can save someone else that pain.
I try to talk more about what I did in their situation (namely staying too long and making excuses for him and sticking my head in the sand) and why that turned out to be a mistake. I mention the sticky About Abuse with stories from English Garden and Shooting Star. I may or may not push Alanon. Some of the detachment/boundary stuff can actually put DV sufferers in more danger.

amy55

Thank you Amy.

Your words really hit me, and hit me hard, I cried. a good cry. It was what I needed when I was going through hell.

Thank God, I had one really good friend to tell me those things then,

DV, sometimes so hard to understand

Someone comes in here, tells the most horrific story, and I think what lead that person to find this forum? There was much more to bring a person to seek out internet friends. Then they get jumped on. Of course they do, what they posted is just so horrific, that the police should be called. But this is the persons first time reaching out.

They were already in the boiling water, but they jumped out, now they don't know what to do, or who to trust.

I don't know if I am asking anymore questions.

I guess I am just asking that people understand that sometimes things become normalized in another persons mind.

They might have put up with horrendous abuse, but that was normalized till one day they can't take it any more.

Then they post the post weirdest thing that we could ever imagine, and to them, they are just asking a question, while we think, OMG !!!!!!! GTFO

amy55

Actually ladyscribbler, I heard that Al anon is somewhat detrimental also to DV survivors, or sufferers. What I try to do is get them to trust me. Just let them talk, validate them. I would never encourage trying to show strength in a relationship. You do that, the abuse is worse.

I try to encourage to keep your strength to yourself, till you leave. You'll need it then.

lillamy

Amy, when I was only a few years into my alcoholic marriage, a few ladies I had gotten to know approached me one day and said they wanted us to do something together. I didn't have many friends in this new town, so I was happy as a clam.

Over the next two hours, they proceeded to telling me about their abusive former marriages, about how they saw me, about how they saw how my husband was treating me, and that I wasn't alone and I wasn't invisible. That they would be there for me and support me and that I was welcome to move in with them if I decide to leave my abusive husband.

I got angry. I told them I was sorry for their bad experiences but that there was nothing wrong with my marriage, thank you very much, and that I would thank them for not drawing conclusions about my husband based on their former trauma.

I lied through my teeth to them. It was really very similar to how an addict who's not hit bottom can react to a well-meaning intervention. I had already become so familiarized with the abuse that I... I saw it as normal, and I even protected it.

There are very few things that make me angry. But whenever someone says "why don't abused women just leave?", I get furious. Because I know it is not that easy.

It's a bit like... I read this story recently about a guy who had a housecat. The cat had never been outside, always lived in this little efficiency with the guy. Well, then he bought a house with a fenced-in yard, and took the cat outside in its carrier. He had to shake the cat out of the carrier (it was hanging on with all four legs to the door). He wanted it to venture out, to have more freedom, but as soon as he set the carrier down, the cat shot right back into it and was cowering in a corner.

That's sort of what I think I was like. Prison had become normal. Freedom was frightening.

lillamy

I can kind of see that. I had several Al-Anon members tell me -- like addicts in rehab are told -- that you should not make any radical changes to your life in the first year of recovery. That's bad advice for a DV survivor, for sure.

wanttobehealthy

Maybe the different al anon groups are different... the one I went to was very helpful and helped me believe that I didnt have to tolerate intolerable behavior...

Of course it took me a while to buy that...

I think while thinking about DV, one of the things that gets lost in a lot of discussion about DV is the terrible terrible impact it has on kids witnessing it.

And I think that sometimes as hard as it may be for people to hear, it is important for us to remind ourselves that when we chose to have kids it became our job to put them first... I surely did not do that and much as I hated to hear people point it out I might have stayed longer than I did if I hadnt been told that I had to start to think about my kids.

The adult being abused is only one of the victims. The kids witnessing DV are being abused too and who protects them?

Just my 2 cents...

redatlanta

I think sometimes it depends on the situation as to what to say. There was a poster here not too long ago whose husband had pulled a gun and maybe he actually shot it I can't remember. She was thinking of going back to him.

Sometimes I think you HAVE to say NO. Don't its very dangerous Don't do it.

All abuse is awful - I used to get very triggered by the threads and I do a bit especially when there are kids. Now I try to encourage DV hotlines and shelters because I they really know what to do way more so than me.

I have seen first hand a poster here that did leave an abusive situation and I think really regretted it. We all encouraged her and it was absolutely the right thing to do - at the end of the day like any situation no matter how battered someone is they have to want to help themsleves to get out and that can be frustrating to watch when you know they are beat down to sh!t and back and struggling.

Encouragement, biting my tongue (or fingers from typing) and support. Sometimes I have to walk away from those threads.

53500

I guess I am just asking that people understand that sometimes things become normalized in another persons mind.

That's an excellent explanation.