meggem

I really liked her. I think it’s going to be good. I was happy to be there and feel good about my decision. A lot of things came out of my mouth that I’m not sure I knew I was thinking/feeling.

One of them was this. I said to her (and I know it’s not about him, it’s about me) but I said – I feel like I need to know what he was or what he is in order for me to understand how *I* got here. And what all of this says about me.

I said I thought the abuse/violence was because of the alcohol but I am learning that not all alcoholics are abusive, so there are abuse issues there. He had been diagnosed with Bipolar, sometimes it fit and sometimes it didn’t. So what does that mean to me? What does all of that say about me? I am not wondering why because I want to fix him or help him I want to understand more about what he is so I can understand myself more and figure out, like I said, how I got here. Does this make sense to anyone?

Wisconsin

It will be a long journey, Meggem, but you will be so glad you're taking it. My first 4-6 weeks of therapy was basically me sobbing my way through all kinds of random crap.

((HUGS))

SparkleKitty

I confess I'm not really clear on how you are connecting figuring him out with figuring you out. I do know that figuring just one person out is a job big enough to last a lifetime, and if I'm gonna do it, that person is bloody well gonna be me.

You and your therapist will work through these ideas over time. Just consider that it may be an avoidance issue, i.e., if I talk about him, I don't have to talk about me, and try to keep an open mind.

Good on you for going. A tremendous step!

meggem

I was just reading Wisconsins post about being terminally unique and I thought wow is that me?

I don't know...

I felt really strong about it today in the session -I kept saying the same thing in different ways I think - If I figure him out - I can figure out what about me attracts that kind of person.

Maybe I am avoiding.

More will be revealed...

hopeful4

Good for you! I am so glad you went.

I think it's good to find out no such much about him, but more why you were drawn to an abusive, alcoholic man. I had to do some deep work myself to find that out about me, and I am glad I did.

Hugs!!! XXX

Wisconsin

Meggem, there might be some avoidance going on, but I know that it was important for me to be honest with someone about what my experience had been (this was during my divorce from my first husband, who was not an A). It really crystallized the truth for me, and made it possible for me to process it, learn from it, and move forward.

Like you said...more will be revealed.

amy55

meggem,

I typed up a whole response to this, then it disappeared. Perhaps for the best. Just know I questioned all of this and researched all of this till I developed PTSD. Sometimes the best answer is there is no answer.

He is an alcoholic, and he is abusive to you. No need to figure out the "Whys".

I am here for you.

(((((((hugs)))))))
amy

lillamy

That's been my experience in counseling, too. It's just amazing how much you can find inside yourself when you have a listener who you know for a fact is not going to judge you.

I'm so glad you went and so glad it was a good experience. It took me four tries to find a therapist I liked!

MissFixit

After I dealt with shock from relationship fallout and went through much of the grieving process, I was left with "Why did I choose the person I chose? What attracted me to him? Why did I stay with him?" For me that was sort of phase 2 of my recovery process. Anvil recently posted a great thread about getting over an A relationship and how long it takes that might help you. I don't know how to link it, but if you look up her threads from maybe a week back, you will find it.

For me, it was all or at least mostly about FOO issues that I never dealt with and some I didn't realize were issues.

Glad you are in therapy. It will be very helpful to you.

LoveMeNow

For me, I had to understand why I would settle for unacceptable behavior. Why or how did my self worth be one so low. It took a lot of work but it was well worth it.

I am glad you found someone that you connected with. Give it time, things will become clear over time and all those ah ha moments will be amazing.