I'm new here, looking for help
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1
I'm new here, looking for help
A very important person in my life is an alcoholic and it is time for me to accept that. He is my best friend and my first love. For two years he was not part of my life (this had nothing to do with his drinking) and when he came back into my life he was in recovery. Last night, I stayed with him, holding his hand while he cried in my lap and went through the stages of alcohol withdrawal for the sixth time. He had been drinking since Sunday. It was the first I had ever seen him at his worst and it was really scary. Now, the morning after, he's back on his feet and has already found an AA group in our area. He's attending his first meeting tonight. He's ready to take the steps that he needs to take to get better again.
And I'm ready to be part of his recovery. We've been together through a lot and I will never turn my back on him. I just don't know what I'm doing and I feel like trial and error, while helpful for me, could be hurtful for him. I know that there is no right or wrong way to help someone in this situation, I'm just looking for a little advice.
There are a couple things I would like to say, just to give a better idea of our relationship. Never, even in his worst, most drunken states, has he been violent or threatening towards me. I know that when he drinks, he contemplates suicide but he has never made an attempt on his own life. I'm not scared of him, I'm scared for him.
We already have little protocols worked out between the two of us. If he needs someone to talk to, he can call me any time. If he does drink, I will come pick him up where ever he is and stay with him. Most importantly for us, he doesn't want to feel like my charity case and he insists on being the one I call when I'm having a bad day so that we lean on each other and our relationship is balanced.
What I'm asking for is stories and advice from the people who are the support system for people like my best friend. Anything helps.
thank you all so much
And I'm ready to be part of his recovery. We've been together through a lot and I will never turn my back on him. I just don't know what I'm doing and I feel like trial and error, while helpful for me, could be hurtful for him. I know that there is no right or wrong way to help someone in this situation, I'm just looking for a little advice.
There are a couple things I would like to say, just to give a better idea of our relationship. Never, even in his worst, most drunken states, has he been violent or threatening towards me. I know that when he drinks, he contemplates suicide but he has never made an attempt on his own life. I'm not scared of him, I'm scared for him.
We already have little protocols worked out between the two of us. If he needs someone to talk to, he can call me any time. If he does drink, I will come pick him up where ever he is and stay with him. Most importantly for us, he doesn't want to feel like my charity case and he insists on being the one I call when I'm having a bad day so that we lean on each other and our relationship is balanced.
What I'm asking for is stories and advice from the people who are the support system for people like my best friend. Anything helps.
thank you all so much
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hey there and welcome to SR. This is going to sound a little strange, but the best thing you can do to support your friend in his recovery is to leave him to it. It is extremely easy to go from supporting someone to enabling them.
For example, if your friend did not know that he could count on you to pick him up when he is drinking, what impact might that have on his choices? What consequences might he face from having to work that out on his own?
Please know that I am in no way judging your choice to be there for him, you are obviously a very caring friend. The reality is that people change only when their fear of staying the same exceeds their fear of changing. Your friend is an adult capable of making his own decisions and dealing with the consequences of those decisions. If people cushion him from consequences, there is little incentive to change.
For a lot of alcoholics, it has to get a lot worse before it gets better. That process is only drawn out by well-intentioned people who want to protect the alcoholic from that inevitable spiral.
Have you ever considered checking out an Al-Anon meeting? It's the Friends & Family counterpart to AA and may help you understand all the cunning and baffling nuances of addiction. Helping yourself understand what is happening with your friend is a great thing you can do to support him.
Please stick around and read as much as you can. There is a lot of collective wisdom here from folks who have been in your shoes.
For example, if your friend did not know that he could count on you to pick him up when he is drinking, what impact might that have on his choices? What consequences might he face from having to work that out on his own?
Please know that I am in no way judging your choice to be there for him, you are obviously a very caring friend. The reality is that people change only when their fear of staying the same exceeds their fear of changing. Your friend is an adult capable of making his own decisions and dealing with the consequences of those decisions. If people cushion him from consequences, there is little incentive to change.
For a lot of alcoholics, it has to get a lot worse before it gets better. That process is only drawn out by well-intentioned people who want to protect the alcoholic from that inevitable spiral.
Have you ever considered checking out an Al-Anon meeting? It's the Friends & Family counterpart to AA and may help you understand all the cunning and baffling nuances of addiction. Helping yourself understand what is happening with your friend is a great thing you can do to support him.
Please stick around and read as much as you can. There is a lot of collective wisdom here from folks who have been in your shoes.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hello and welcome. There is a counter-part to AA called Alanon and it is for friends and family of alcoholics. You should check your area out.
There is a lot of good info in the stickies at the top of the forum. I thought of this one when I read your post. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html
There is a lot of good info in the stickies at the top of the forum. I thought of this one when I read your post. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
SF- Good for you that you are out looking for support for you. You have come to the right place. If you are looking for support for him, he needs to this on his own. I know you love him (as we all love our addicts) but somethings we cant help with. If we could, there would be no reason for this website.
Read, Read and Read more on SR. This place is a wealth of knowledge about addiction. You can go to the Alcoholic forums and read what they are saying. Viewing their struggles to stay sober. Learn how the best way to help an A is by doing NOTHING!!!
Let them fall and get up themselves. Try and hit some alanon meetings as they are a wealth of information also.
Good luck and keep reading.
Read, Read and Read more on SR. This place is a wealth of knowledge about addiction. You can go to the Alcoholic forums and read what they are saying. Viewing their struggles to stay sober. Learn how the best way to help an A is by doing NOTHING!!!
Let them fall and get up themselves. Try and hit some alanon meetings as they are a wealth of information also.
Good luck and keep reading.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
We already have little protocols worked out between the two of us. If he needs someone to talk to, he can call me any time. If he does drink, I will come pick him up where ever he is and stay with him. Most importantly for us, he doesn't want to feel like my charity case and he insists on being the one I call when I'm having a bad day so that we lean on each other and our relationship is balanced.
actually while the above comes from a caring heart, it's REALLY unhealthy and further creates a co-dependent bond between you. you aren't his therapist. you aren't a fellow recovering alcoholic. you aren't the care cab driving around picking up people too drunk to drive. and you aren't an adult babysitter.
if he recovers from alcohol, it will be HIS recovery alone. it's not a SHARED thing.
let HIM find HIS way. and you find yours. if he joined a gym, would you go WITH him, help him into his shoes, adjust the weights, or help lift them if they got too heavy for him? no. he'd need to put in the effort. and he would only get as much OUT of it as HE put in. if YOU went to the gym, his biceps wouldn't get bigger.
as it is, he hasn't even been sober for 24 hours. little soon to start planning the future. going to ONE AA meeting is not recovery. you've seen the relapse/withdrawal before. in fact, you've kept count.
the very best thing you can do is educate yourself on the true nature of alcoholism and recovery. what it's like, what it takes. and he has a a high likelihood of drinking again. he may get this turned around, or it may be a hit and miss proposition that goes on for a long time. i wish it was as easy as having a bad night and finding a meeting.
don't try to be his everything. not your job. find the place where you end and he begins. and always remember you are separate individuals. good luck.
actually while the above comes from a caring heart, it's REALLY unhealthy and further creates a co-dependent bond between you. you aren't his therapist. you aren't a fellow recovering alcoholic. you aren't the care cab driving around picking up people too drunk to drive. and you aren't an adult babysitter.
if he recovers from alcohol, it will be HIS recovery alone. it's not a SHARED thing.
let HIM find HIS way. and you find yours. if he joined a gym, would you go WITH him, help him into his shoes, adjust the weights, or help lift them if they got too heavy for him? no. he'd need to put in the effort. and he would only get as much OUT of it as HE put in. if YOU went to the gym, his biceps wouldn't get bigger.
as it is, he hasn't even been sober for 24 hours. little soon to start planning the future. going to ONE AA meeting is not recovery. you've seen the relapse/withdrawal before. in fact, you've kept count.
the very best thing you can do is educate yourself on the true nature of alcoholism and recovery. what it's like, what it takes. and he has a a high likelihood of drinking again. he may get this turned around, or it may be a hit and miss proposition that goes on for a long time. i wish it was as easy as having a bad night and finding a meeting.
don't try to be his everything. not your job. find the place where you end and he begins. and always remember you are separate individuals. good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
You see we are here for YOU. This will become overwhelming , painful and downright unbearable if you continue with your plan of attack.
You have a kind heart, we all do. The thing is, addicts take our kindness for a weakness and it will run you over like a steamroller.
You need to let him do the hard work and you just be present in the background. He doesn't need your pom poms waived in his face.
He needs a cold hard reality check. I do want the best for you. Do not get lost in his disease like I did with my X. It sucks
You have a kind heart, we all do. The thing is, addicts take our kindness for a weakness and it will run you over like a steamroller.
You need to let him do the hard work and you just be present in the background. He doesn't need your pom poms waived in his face.
He needs a cold hard reality check. I do want the best for you. Do not get lost in his disease like I did with my X. It sucks
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
if he recovers from alcohol, it will be HIS recovery alone. it's not a SHARED thing.
let HIM find HIS way. and you find yours. if he joined a gym, would you go WITH him, help him into his shoes, adjust the weights, or help lift them if they got too heavy for him? no. he'd need to put in the effort. and he would only get as much OUT of it as HE put in. if YOU went to the gym, his biceps wouldn't get bigger.
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