Reactions When You First Joined Sober Recovery

Old 10-14-2014, 05:23 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
Yesterday I celebrated 23 years of recovery by going to AA meetings and not drinking one day at a time .
Congrats!! I'm very glad you post here.
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Old 10-14-2014, 05:27 PM
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I came here because I wanted to find out if I was crazy. My AH was making me feel crazy at times.And along the way I've gone away, come back, gone away, come back...

There are times when I really need to hear what people here have to say, and times I want to stay away because I know I'm not yet ready to take the step of leaving him.

Yes, he's done some horrible things, but the kids are out of the house now and it's SO much easier. I have my life, he has his...some would say that's not much of a marriage, but you know, we do share some common interests and for others, I have my friends and my family. My sisters are all married (none to As), but we all do a lot of things together.

I'll admit it--I'm lazy and don't want to have to go out on my own. He makes a comfortable living (yes, it could be gone some day, but most of the people in his industry drink a lot like he does, and I've seen a lot of them retire with good pensions, etc.). I guess I'm a gambler.

For me, I still struggle with the fact that I am a codependent. I have NO desire to help out, save him, rescue anyone. He cooks, cleans, makes my lunch daily, etc. If I'm sick, HE waits on me. I've really never even helped out on the rare occasions when he has a hang over (he rarely gets them--pretty used to the hard drinking now).

What I DO have a problem with is wanting to be right--not sure what you call that. So mainly--I came to SR because I wanted to be able to prove that I was NOT crazy--was NOT making all of this up--and that there was a reason he was saying and doing the things he did. Well, I agree--it IS because he's an alcoholic. And yes, I see some progression in his mannerisms. But I'm not quite ready to leave yet.

So I come back to read and comment and maybe get more info to make my decisions...and I have felt attacked, in the past, but I get it--the usual thing is that it's better to leave the A. I should have done that when the kids were young. But I didn't have the courage then, either. And I struggle having raised them in that environment. Thank God, for the most part, they're pretty normal.

Anyway--thanks to everyone for being here.
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Old 10-14-2014, 05:29 PM
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Kboys, I know that feeling. In fact, I think many here do. We want to hope for the best.. that maybe this time will be different.. we want to believe that our own personal stories are different (despite all the striking similarities).. that we can help them if only we love them enough.

We don't want to give up on the dream of what it could be, if only they would stop drinking. So, we give them another chance... and another... and another - because we love them - and because it's not bad enough yet.
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Old 10-15-2014, 12:53 AM
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I came here when my son was about 5 months old, my husband had entered inpatient rehab.. I came to talk with others about the rehab process, how to work through all my pain. And my goal was to rebuild my family. From the very beginning while I had pockets of support here.. I felt attacked, ridiculed, insulted, bullied, disrespected.. because I didn't fall in line with a lot of the things I was told to do.. and no they didn't come across as suggestions in my mind.

for example, my husband went to a nice rehab - people called it plushy, and there were so many posts about what rehab he went to and I never even gave the name... , and oh BTW it was a non 12 step rehab that focused on evidence based treatments primarily through therapy and various types of CBT..

I felt a lot of judgment over my decision to stay in my marriage, support my husband, and participate in recovery with him. I got the impression most people thought this only showed how unhealthy I was.. still in denial I heard a lot, also comments about how I didn't "get it". I found these condescending.

For example.. his rehab was in another state and I would travel to visit him.. not approved of... I took our infant son.. not approved of... I felt a lot of guilt at first over comments about my son - I was told it was not in his best interest to be around his father until he could prove over a year or two that he was serious about recovery.. so 2.5 years later I guess they would just be getting to know each other.. and lost out on the last 2.5 years of bonding?

At one point the doctors at his rehab suggested we do marriage counseling.. I felt this was not approved of.. I was told he wasn't capable of working on the relationship for a year or more, to just focus on me as it was pointless... but I decided to do it anyway and I actually relocated for about 6 weeks with my son and our dog to do this. So while a small group supported me, overall I felt very judged with all the decisions I made; at a time when I needed support.

I also didn't feel like people could offer much hope for his recovery and this is why logically they said to focus on myself. It does make sense, but in my case my husband was in rehab for 3 months, he was trying. Plus I had then, and still have faith in lasting recovery.

From the very beginning I didn't understand the diagnosis of my being codependent.. my therapist didn't agree.. I didn't feel like I was.. I hadn't stayed in a bad relationship.. I wasn't ACOA, I didn't marry an addict - he became addicted years later when he suffered an injury and got started on pain meds.. then it progressed.. But I asked him to go live that way if he wanted early on, and he moved out. We were separated a year.. I had a lot of family, friends, a good job, and a son.. I made mistakes a long the way.. a lot of them.. but this is why I was in therapy..

I also encouraged his treatment and was told it wouldn't work because of this.. it was like everything I did was marked as wrong.. but yet we were both getting better, and life was getting better. so it was a strange parallel....

I still feel very uncomfortable with the level codependency is talked about, and ( I feel ) its pushed on the family forums. We all come here for different reasons, with different backgrounds.. and while I sympathize and realize many people are at end stage and need out of their relationships.. that's not to say everyone does.. is ready now, or will ever be.. I never look at a new person and think they will follow a set path, my path, or anyone else's path... I try not to see their loved one in mine... I cant tell them why their husband does something or what he's thinking and feels with certainty.. I got a lot of this feedback and it wasn't helpful and often it was incorrect as more was revealed to me. I stopped posting a long time ago on the forum walls about my ongoing personal journey.. I remember once I made a post on Thanksgiving about how thankful and grateful I was.. it got locked.. I was told enjoy it while I could because it wouldn't last long...

We know so little here especially about newcomers - I know what I appreciated the most was when people would listen and then share their own personal story.. if they could relate to what I was going through, or even a complete opposite was very helpful..

I wish we could do a survey on why people left SR... Im sharing what I am not to be hurtful just to show a different perspective of someone who had a bit of a rough journey on SR.

With all that said, I stayed and it was my choice. I stayed because the positives outweighed the negatives. Ive made great friends, I try to share my ESH, and I learn from everyone here.. as a newcomer I was in a much more emotional state and I felt vulnerable; so I try to remember this. I also try to remember that just because someone is new to SR, they are not necessarily new to addiction or recovery.. maybe they just come here because they need a place to talk with others; a safe, non judgmental place.
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Old 10-17-2014, 12:09 PM
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IMHO, hope can be very dangerous for a newby sometimes...

...which is why I don't want to provide hope to a Newby. Too often they use it to justify staying in broken or abusive relationships, when what I wish for them is they stop hoping that somebody else will change, or that some white knight will come and save them, and start dealing with the reality of their present-- especially when they have children.

I don't want them to HOPE things WILL get better. I want them to KNOW that things CAN get better if they simply start to focus on themselves and THEIR recovery, rather than on the alcoholic or addict. And I believe it will.

That's also why I don't like talking about my wife and I still being together-- too many people latch onto that when the fact of the matter is that couples that survive are an anomaly in my opinion. And, even when the couples do, it's because both parties fully engage in recovery.

Plus, she could start drinking again tomorrow. Hell, she could be drinking right now! That is the reality of staying with an alcoholic/addict-- even a sober one.

Again, this is all my opinion.

Cyranoak



Originally Posted by BrokenInPieces View Post
I lurked here for a bit initially. At the time, I was looking for any shred of hope that my now-ex bf was not an alcoholic - that it was me being judgmental or too critical or my expectations were too high, etc. Maybe there was something I could do or say that I hadn't done or said yet. Anything that I could change about me so that he didn't have to change (because - by that time - it was clear he wasn't going to)
I didn't want to walk away from an otherwise wonderfully good man.

I found no shred of hope.

I figured surely someone would tell me there was hope if I posted my own story... because it was different, y'know? But, unfortunately, it wasn't. The only difference was that the behaviors and situations that others had already experienced hadn't happened with my A... yet.

Admittedly, I am still wrestling with denial and reality. He is a good man and I love him dearly... but he drinks every single night, and it was affecting our relationship.

I continue to come here and read/post as I work through the feelings and emotions that remain.
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Old 10-17-2014, 12:31 PM
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good to "see" you Cyranoak! i very much echo what you said about hope...in my case, hank and i are both recovered crackheads, 8 years now. which is a truly wonderful, miraculous thing....but i would never tell anyone here that because we today are on the other side of a horrid addiction that just doesn't let go that others should stay and fight and it will get better. it's not that we are a special, or unique, it's that the odds of two people breaking free of addiction, staying together and both still clean a number of years later is frankly quite RARE. and the other outcomes are heartbreaking.

it was only because thru my own drug recovery AND SR's help with being the loved one of an addict, that i came to believe that i HAD to put ME first, MY recovery, MY sanity, MY life. and i was in no shape to be anybody else's sober coach!!! i couldn't be around someone who still wanted to get high. no matter how much i might love and care about them.

i'd also never be so smug as to think that i had anything to do with hank getting clean. that was going to happen one way or the other, in it's own time. considering the night we met he was three hours IN to a relapse, and then for the next 4.5 years we smoked together, it's entirely possible my coming along PROLONGED his using. there's just no way to know.

things happen when they happen. if they happen at all. IMHO, the very best thing ANY of us can do for another, is to become strong and healhty in body mind and spirit. to be resilient and steadfast. to live that life we wish "they" would, clear up our own wreckage. make our own amends and be at peace. make sure we are more than enough, so that when we do give or share to others, we are not diminished, or made weak.
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Old 10-17-2014, 09:53 PM
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I honestly can not remember my frame of mind when I joined SR and have not gone back to read my original posts because I simply am not ready too. But I do know that I blamed my husband for all our problems. I was naive and ignorant about addiction and codependency. I suffered from being terminally unique. I was angry, sad, confused, hurt and felt so all alone.

Although, I would never wish addiction on any anyone or any family, I was honesty relieved to know I wasn't the only one whose life had become so unmanageable because of addiction. The sad stories broke my heart, but the ones that made it to the "other side" gave me hope for ME!

That said, I too truly wish we could do a survey for why people have left as we have lost so many wonderful and healthy posters with amazing ESH. Dollydo, Kindeyes, EnglishGarden, cynical one, hello kitty, outtolunch.....to name a few. It was these posters who helped me (and others I know) - so much when I was in deep denial. Some where gentle while others said what I so didn't want to hear. And I can not thank them all enough.

Sadly, these posters have left for similar reasons. The disrespect and mocking by a few (aka junior high mean girls clique) was enough for them. I admire their boundaries and desire for serenity and their integrity to be true to themselves. But it was truly a great loss to so many of us.

Lastly, I am truly thankful for the 12 steppers who have stuck around to share with us. Some days I think, I can not wait until I no longer need or want SR. I have often thought had my husband maintained his recovery, I would have been long gone. But I know I still have much work to do, so I stay....just not as much.
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Old 10-17-2014, 10:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
...which is why I don't want to provide hope to a Newby. Too often they use it to justify staying in broken or abusive relationships, when what I wish for them is they stop hoping that somebody else will change, or that some white knight will come and save them, and start dealing with the reality of their present-- especially when they have children.

I don't want them to HOPE things WILL get better. I want them to KNOW that things CAN get better if they simply start to focus on themselves and THEIR recovery, rather than on the alcoholic or addict. And I believe it will.

That's also why I don't like talking about my wife and I still being together-- too many people latch onto that when the fact of the matter is that couples that survive are an anomaly in my opinion. And, even when the couples do, it's because both parties fully engage in recovery.

Plus, she could start drinking again tomorrow. Hell, she could be drinking right now! That is the reality of staying with an alcoholic/addict-- even a sober one.

Again, this is all my opinion.

Cyranoak
Great post and thank you for your honesty.

I was one of those newbies who latched onto any hopeful stories. I was desperate to stay hopeful. I was also accused of being jealous of another members husband's clean time. Of course, that was ridiculous and a typical codependent (huge ego and low self esteem) response when I questioned the validity of her "magical kingdom." It was also just a shining example of we just become as sick as our secrets.

Good luck to you and your wife. May this journey bring you both to a wonderful new place.
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Old 10-18-2014, 08:32 AM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
I honestly can not remember my frame of mind when I joined SR and have not gone back to read my original posts because I simply am not ready too. But I do know that I blamed my husband for all our problems. I was naive and ignorant about addiction and codependency. I suffered from being terminally unique. I was angry, sad, confused, hurt and felt so all alone.

Although, I would never wish addiction on any anyone or any family, I was honesty relieved to know I wasn't the only one whose life had become so unmanageable because of addiction. The sad stories broke my heart, but the ones that made it to the "other side" gave me hope for ME!

That said, I too truly wish we could do a survey for why people have left as we have lost so many wonderful and healthy posters with amazing ESH. Dollydo, Kindeyes, EnglishGarden, cynical one, hello kitty, outtolunch.....to name a few. It was these posters who helped me (and others I know) - so much when I was in deep denial. Some where gentle while others said what I so didn't want to hear. And I can not thank them all enough.

Sadly, these posters have left for similar reasons. The disrespect and mocking by a few (aka junior high mean girls clique) was enough for them. I admire their boundaries and desire for serenity and their integrity to be true to themselves. But it was truly a great loss to so many of us.

Lastly, I am truly thankful for the 12 steppers who have stuck around to share with us. Some days I think, I can not wait until I no longer need or want SR. I have often thought had my husband maintained his recovery, I would have been long gone. But I know I still have much work to do, so I stay....just not as much.
I feel much the same. Many of the people who helped me are no longer here and sometimes their advice was very tough and hard to hear. It wasn't that they were being mean or harsh, I was just in a raw place. I never really took offense to things as I understand what "take what you like and leave the rest" means. The hardest stuff to hear, the stuff that newbies get offended by is THE EXACT INFORMATION that I understand well years later and they are the MOST important revelations for my mental health. It is the tough life lessons that we don't like. We want the storybook ending, and feel we deserve it especially if we have sacrificed and "done the right thing." Unfortunately, that is not how the world works and many folks don't get the life they planned and worked for. I think people read stuff here and project their anger and frustration on posters rather than the real sources of their pain...their choices.

My most important revelation is that in order to be in a healthy union, you must first be healthy independently. Codies and couples don't like that idea and all it encompasses because it is the opposite of codependence. It feels weird.
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Old 10-18-2014, 08:43 AM
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That's why I always appreciate when you pop in, Cyrano. You always call 'em like you see 'em.

I think the thing to remember is to "take what you can use and leave the rest" when you visit any support forum. For me, in the beginning, I couldn't "take" much. But as time has gone on, I have built relationships with people here. And I think that's important, too. When I first came here, I didn't know anyone and people's stories and what had worked for them was easily dismissed. The more I got to know people's back stories, the more I respected the route they had taken, their experiences, and began to see that maybe, just maybe, they knew what they were talking about.

For me, it's like in real life -- I don't necessarily trust the advice from a person I've just met. But here as in real life, when you build a relationship with people and realize who is genuinely concerned and who is just promoting their own agenda, you can more wisely choose who you want to trust and whose advice seems the wisest to you.
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Old 10-19-2014, 02:31 AM
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Cyranoak & Anvil - amen to that.
Anvil was my poster girl for years here ... I so desperately wanted to be like her, to have that happy ending with the recovery & the dogs & the house on the lake. And that, as I know now, is much rarer than hen's teeth.
However working on getting ones own sh!t together is available 24/7/365
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Old 10-19-2014, 02:50 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
When I came here I was looking for answers that I wanted to hear (but like many of the threads that get triggering bc I see my denial ridden self in them) I claimed that was not the case...

I came here saying I just needed to be "understood"- code for "see my point of view without asking tough questions that I do not care to answer since I like the blinders I am wearing and want to stay in denial".

And when I didn't feel "understood" (see above definition) I cried that people were too harsh and uncaring and not compassionate. I certainly FELT that was the case but feelings and facts arent the same (my xAH would debate that as would many other A's is my guess-- they "feel" persecuted so they must be!).

The reality is that the people whose posts made me cringe, made me anxious, made me hurt at times are the ones that helped me grow. They were honest, loving and compassionate because they were TRUTHFUL.

But what I liked when I first came were the "you're doing the best you can, your kids will be okay, you're a great mom, your AH is awful..." That way I could sleep at night and tell myself I was trying hard and it was okay if I continued to live in the insanity around me and subject my kids to abuse, because at least I was "trying"...

I LOVED the validation of those kind of posts bc they kept me firmly planted in denial land where I owned a whole lot of property for many years.

But the posts that stuck with me, that I remember still, that I read to this day, came from the members who were honest and asked hard questions and who at times told me bluntly that as ACOA's, I had no right to put my desire for a life with AH above the protection of my kids. Those posts angered me beyond belief bc much like an A drinks bc they can't face reality or truth, those posts were like holding a mirror up to me and I did not like it one bit.

So, I came here searching for a solution to fix my marriage and have the life I wanted with then AH and my kids... I wanted things to be how I thought they should be and I was bound and determined to make life be what I wanted it to be.

What I got in the end is the exact opposite of what I came here for... And for that I am eternally grateful.

We spouses/partners of A's arent all that different than A's at all... They angrily lash out at us for calling them out on the reality of their lives and we codies who come here looking for a cure all for the mess that our lives are, angrily lash out at those who suggest anything other than what we want to hear... Not so different at all from the A dance...
Great post Thanks for writing it
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Old 10-19-2014, 03:22 AM
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What a great thread! It is so amazing to see how far people have come from when they first joined.

I found this site when I was about 5 months sober and haven't left since. I don't think I will ever leave . This whole site has done so much for my sobriety. I would be so lost without this place and all of you!
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Old 10-19-2014, 07:29 AM
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I first joined SR the day I quit drinking. I read a lot over on the F&F sections before I ever posted in them and still mostly post on the "other side". But when I was drinking and doing drugs, I had an entire social circle of others that were doing the same. I had several relationships with qualifiers. So reading the F&F threads made so much about my own relationships become clear. Suddenly I could understand why certain things had happened in my relationships. I came to realize that so much of the dysfunction was typical of alcholics/addicts. I never got defensive, but it may have helped that I didn't post my own story for quite a while.

Reading over here made me see how much I had contributed to the insanity. Since I had been drinking and doing drugs, I knew that I had no desire anymore to have other people that were still doing so in my life. It wasn't a good thing for my recovery. I immediately removed all of the drinkers/druggies from my life with the exception of my then live-in boyfriend. It took me a year in recovery to finally ask him to move out.

But I read stuff over here constantly trying to figure out how to handle stuff. Trying to learn to detach, andto focus on me and my side of the fence. I never struggled against accepting that I was codependent. It was clear from my long string of dysfunctional relationships. It wasn't as if I just happened to end up with somebody that started drinking or using. I picked a whole string of them. And for me, it went a lot deeper than just whether or not my partner was drinking or using. It was a problem with my thinking. It has to do with always obsessing with what somebody else is (or isn't) doing rather than focusing on what I am or should be doing.

I am now in a different relationship with a guy who doesn't drink or do drugs. But I can still find myself in a bad place worrying about things in the relationship when I could be out enjoying my life.

Reading here has helped tremendously in recognizing these patterns. I am getting better about not going there, but it still happens. But coming to understand what I do has helped tremendously. I am still striving for self-care, to put the focus on me, and to not lost myself thinking about my relationship or the few problems in it.

I've also come to see how much my drug and alcohol abuse was intertwined with my codependency. There was so much that I couldn't control or change about other people that rather than changing what I could, I drank or got high to ignore my feelings about it.
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Old 10-19-2014, 07:58 AM
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Not new to recovery when I came to SR but was desperate, in a foreign country (with my husband) and an AD who had relapsed in the US when I found this site and it was a lifesaver. Have made and taken steps since then...and also have relapsed with the codependency...so it is really a roller coaster. Feeling calmer since I am posting but still very confused and stressed...not just about the AD who cut contact, but life issues that need to be dealt with and taking steps but they are hard and feels as if I am moving in very slooooooooowwwww time...needing to figure out the next step, take one day at a time, find what is good for me (again), disinterested in the activities that gave me such pleasure over the past 10 years in recovery and life...just really hard feelings...afraid to talk but needing to express my feelings, feeling isolated and not able to relate well...just so much. I am grateful for the comments and friends I have on SR...as it is a new way of life for me...am working on me in recovery rather than all the other people I have been caretaker for over a lifetime...but the doubts and fears are there around my ability to do for me what I need to do. I feel very lost and lonely and the people here at sober recovery are helping...all of my children have empty nested in the last year (our move to Chile triggered that...so it was time) and it is as if those many years of close and wonderful family despite the addiction or illnesses I was caretaking in loved ones is at an end. I feel very afraid.
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Old 10-19-2014, 02:16 PM
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When I first came here I was in the middle of a huge crisis my A had created. I was falling apart. Some responses were very blunt & not what I wanted to hear, but exactly what I NEEDED to hear. This site has been a huge help for me. It took me 3 more months to end my relationship. With the help of the people here & my therapist, I am starting to heal.
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Old 12-16-2014, 07:50 AM
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I wanted to bump this post because I think it's a really good one. There are so many good insights here, and I thought maybe it can help newcomers to know that those of us who have been here for a while... well, we were newcomers here at one point, too.
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Old 12-16-2014, 09:55 AM
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I've been here on and off for a few years now, and I'll take it. The good, the bad and the ugly. Bring it on. I get support when I need support and a kick in the a$$ when I need a kick in the a$$.
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Old 12-16-2014, 12:59 PM
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I had to look back at my first thread post. I was thankful to find SR. I don't think I got too freaky until RAH's discharge plan did not go the way I wanted it to...

Personally I have never felt pushed by anyone to DO anything here. Of course I am stubborn. I inherently understand, 'take what you want and leave the rest.' But many times wonderful SR folks have posted and helped me SEE things in a much different way. Since I don't talk about much about my life with friends or family, this has been very very useful to me.

But I did come to realize some months ago that I was telling people what to do and not always sharing ESH. So I have tried to at least stick ESH in what I post. Also I just try to tell people to read a book/SR threads, think, give things time, switch their focus to themselves, meet some local faces at CR or Al Anon... A lot of us KNOW the answer. We just don't want to ACCEPT it. But maybe if they widen their personal resources, that message they need to hear will come through, eventually. And if not, well, not everyone chooses to work recovery. Not everyone accepts the role they played. Not everyone wants to figure it out. Some people go backwards.

I like to figure things out. I am too Type A to go backwards for long.
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Old 12-16-2014, 02:43 PM
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Another thing that I don't think I've talked a lot about here is the strange combination of feeling strong and feeling victimized that I had.

I honestly looked down on people who left their spouses, because clearly, they didn't have my strength of character or love their spouses like I did. At the same time, I felt helpless and like a victim of whatever whim AXH whipped up in the moment.

For me, the no-nonsense advice I got here and in Al-Anon changed that. It was hard to keep seeing myself as a victim when -- as people pointed out to me -- I kept putting myself in the same situation over and over. And as his alcoholism progressed, my strength and love died and I realized that we weren't as terminally unique as I had first thought.

SR, and Al-Anon, has taught me to be an active agent in my life. There's one heckuvalot I have no influence or control over, but I do have influence and control over my attitudes and my choices, and I have a responsibility to handle those wisely. I no longer feel like a victim -- although I can slide back into that when I feel treated unfairly -- but I also no longer feel superior to other people the way I used to.

I think for me, the "superior" feeling was a way of denying how much pain I was really in. A way of denying that my husband was as much of an alcoholic as the panhandlers downtown. A way of denying that I had changed and compromised who I was in order to stay in the marriage, and a way of denying that my kids were suffering. I really somewhere DID think that I was better than others, and therefore, I would be able to handle all of this just fine.

I still go back and revisit how I felt back then, because... because in so many ways, life is more complex when I can't see it as black and white as I did then. But I've learned to be more honest with myself about my feelings. And feelings are icky and uncomfortable and unruly little bastards. But they're real now.
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