Reactions When You First Joined Sober Recovery
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Dealing with reluctant newcomers is, for me, an exercise in creating reasonable expectations.
If I learn to stop judging myself I will stop judging others as well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I came here with no recovery at all but had already determined I needed out of my marriage. I was desperate for some help so I soaked it all up. I was ready for the kind responses, the sharing, the tough responses. I appreciated the no-nonsense tough responses. People may have been frustrated with the depths of my confusion and codependency but I was listening. I was hanging on for dear life!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
This is such a good thread, thank you Wisconsin.
Oxytocin seems to win out over adrenalin and cortisol a lot of the time, that is for sure. We would far rather have those feel-good chemicals of love and attachment than those scary fighting chemicals. It makes total sense that newcomers to codependency would not choose to punish themselves by withdrawing the oxy in favor of the cortisol - until they are so exhausted they cannot even produce hormones in any kind of way that resembles a healthy organism. Eventually we all succumb.
Re: Helping others here - we are Codies trying to help, so, you know.
Oxytocin seems to win out over adrenalin and cortisol a lot of the time, that is for sure. We would far rather have those feel-good chemicals of love and attachment than those scary fighting chemicals. It makes total sense that newcomers to codependency would not choose to punish themselves by withdrawing the oxy in favor of the cortisol - until they are so exhausted they cannot even produce hormones in any kind of way that resembles a healthy organism. Eventually we all succumb.
Re: Helping others here - we are Codies trying to help, so, you know.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
biminiblue.....this biologic angle is a good one. I think we forget (or, maybe never even knew) how much biology plays a part in our forming or dismantling relationships with others....
It is fascinating stuff, also...
dandylion
It is fascinating stuff, also...
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
First, I need to tell you where I came from. I came from the other side, the newcomers side. I think it was Aug 2, 2011. I was on my fifth beer that day, and it wasn't even noontime. I was welcomed here with opened arms. I decided to stay. You see, I had no TV, I actually didn't even have a floor. I was sitting in my kitchen on my computer knowing that winter was coming, that I just bought a foreclosure, I couldn't find a contractor, and I had just ripped up my rugs, and knew the whole subfloor had to be replace. There was oil all over it. There were carpenter bees dive bombing me each time I left the house. There were carpenter ants living in my house. I was just done. I wanted to just crawl into a corner and just die. I am so happy that I joined here because I put down the bottle and got to work on my house. Yes, I finally did find that special contractor.
Thing is, I came to this section, at first just to read. It triggered many things for me. I was married for and living with an abusive alcoholic for over 25 years. I recalled the other forums that I was posting on, I actually had stopped posting on abuse forums because, and I hate to say this, I stopped posting because I was too embarrassed to post. I think that is hard to imagine. My last year with my ex I think he was decent to me for perhaps 25 days, I say perhaps, because the days that he was somewhat decent to me, were the days that I walked on "eggshells" the most.
So, I got bored one day, and I wandered over to this side. I just felt so much love over here. Then I would see the newcomers come in, first timers, and my heart just went out to them. I didn't want them to leave because some of the sad truth facts, I wanted them to stay, because they were scared and finally reaching out for help.
Again, I was married and living with my ex for 25 years. Sometimes there is nothing you can do or say to get a person to see. I couldn't. I didn't want to believe what I married, I wanted my imagined fantasy life. Even if I had left then, I know I would have returned. I felt like I had no one to talk to back then but the ex, and you know where that goes.
I will almost never say leave, although I have a few times. That's not me. Not that I want someone to stay, I want someone to have the ability to trust again. Even if it is strangers on the internet. I just don't want anyone to go through what I went through, and what most people in these situations go through.
See, I turned to drinking, others might turn to suicide. I know I thought about that also.
I think sometimes when we are in these situations, we get angry and righteously so. But sometimes, how do we get out of them, when other people see nothing wrong. When we just feel like it is all our own fault. We don't seek out help, we try to make ourselves OK for the other person. Just so that they will stop. We know that won't work, but we go for it anyway.
I wrote many journals so that I would feel "not crazy". But it was still just me talking to me. I needed validation, and I couldn't do that for myself, but I was afraid to talk to people.
I came to this side, and I saw all of the opened arms that I could turn to. All the people who lived through hell and yet survived it, actually succeeded it. I wanted that.
((((((((((hugs to all here))))))))))
amy
Thing is, I came to this section, at first just to read. It triggered many things for me. I was married for and living with an abusive alcoholic for over 25 years. I recalled the other forums that I was posting on, I actually had stopped posting on abuse forums because, and I hate to say this, I stopped posting because I was too embarrassed to post. I think that is hard to imagine. My last year with my ex I think he was decent to me for perhaps 25 days, I say perhaps, because the days that he was somewhat decent to me, were the days that I walked on "eggshells" the most.
So, I got bored one day, and I wandered over to this side. I just felt so much love over here. Then I would see the newcomers come in, first timers, and my heart just went out to them. I didn't want them to leave because some of the sad truth facts, I wanted them to stay, because they were scared and finally reaching out for help.
Again, I was married and living with my ex for 25 years. Sometimes there is nothing you can do or say to get a person to see. I couldn't. I didn't want to believe what I married, I wanted my imagined fantasy life. Even if I had left then, I know I would have returned. I felt like I had no one to talk to back then but the ex, and you know where that goes.
I will almost never say leave, although I have a few times. That's not me. Not that I want someone to stay, I want someone to have the ability to trust again. Even if it is strangers on the internet. I just don't want anyone to go through what I went through, and what most people in these situations go through.
See, I turned to drinking, others might turn to suicide. I know I thought about that also.
I think sometimes when we are in these situations, we get angry and righteously so. But sometimes, how do we get out of them, when other people see nothing wrong. When we just feel like it is all our own fault. We don't seek out help, we try to make ourselves OK for the other person. Just so that they will stop. We know that won't work, but we go for it anyway.
I wrote many journals so that I would feel "not crazy". But it was still just me talking to me. I needed validation, and I couldn't do that for myself, but I was afraid to talk to people.
I came to this side, and I saw all of the opened arms that I could turn to. All the people who lived through hell and yet survived it, actually succeeded it. I wanted that.
((((((((((hugs to all here))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
For me this was a warm, welcome place where I could vent freely about AXBF. I was so enmeshed and consumed and my friends were understandably tired of hearing about it. Here I found comfort and guidance and I'm so glad I'm not that lost codependent who only focused on what the A thought, felt, did or didn't do. It was mentally exhausting! Dandylion, Firesprite, Lillamy, Hammer, Onawaminnia, and so many others were my rocks on here in the beginning.I think I got defensive a few times when my own drinking was questioned and maybe I need to be concerned about why. I did drink a lot with AXBF, I'm not going to lie...and sometimes I do go see him when I feel like cutting loose and having a few. I think if I didn't get out when I did I could have been on my way to being a borderline alcoholic if not a true alcoholic myself. Anyway as for the newcomers who get defensive...remember they are addicted to the A just as the A is addicted to alcohol. Give them time to wrap their heads around all the well meant advice. They made it here for a reason ...I'm sure they will stick around even if they don't like what they hear at first. Some may leave and come back later. I wish everyone who does find their way here peace and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Wisconsin, thanks for this great thread. Google lead me to SR when I searched things like why does my alcoholic boyfriend ignore me? I learned so much here and the main thing was to put the focus on me and my self care and let him do what he is going to do....drink. I learned phrases like no new contact = no new pain. I still find so much comfort on these threads. I still struggle with codie issues sometimes too but if it weren't for SR I would still be an emotional wreck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
My drinker did quit drinking...
...and some things did get better. Other things got worse-- all the sudden she was a decision-maker in our lives again and I didn't like it-- not one bit. The codependent control freak in me had been in charge for so long there were many, many growing pains for the next three years-- MY growing pains.
And, other bad things continued to happen too. The difference is that now there are two sober people facing it who have 15 years of recovery combined. It goes much better this way.
I'm still struggling sharing responsibility and decision-making, but sober her is more than equipped to deal with me, and we are so grateful for each other and her sobriety that it seems like life is getting a little bit easier. Not as much as I would like, but a little.
At some level I'm pretty sure we'll be dealing with the fallout of the drinking years for a long, long time (especially relative to our poor daughter-- the biggest victim of our manifestation of the disease), but it's the path we are on and the path we have chosen now. And, we also both know it could all fall apart in an instant.
Constant vigilance is the price of being in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic, and sometimes the children get sacrificed on the alter if one or both parents can't or won't protect the child (as was the case with us-- I did my best and it was far from good enough).
My two cents.
Cyranoak
And, other bad things continued to happen too. The difference is that now there are two sober people facing it who have 15 years of recovery combined. It goes much better this way.
I'm still struggling sharing responsibility and decision-making, but sober her is more than equipped to deal with me, and we are so grateful for each other and her sobriety that it seems like life is getting a little bit easier. Not as much as I would like, but a little.
At some level I'm pretty sure we'll be dealing with the fallout of the drinking years for a long, long time (especially relative to our poor daughter-- the biggest victim of our manifestation of the disease), but it's the path we are on and the path we have chosen now. And, we also both know it could all fall apart in an instant.
Constant vigilance is the price of being in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic, and sometimes the children get sacrificed on the alter if one or both parents can't or won't protect the child (as was the case with us-- I did my best and it was far from good enough).
My two cents.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by Wisconsin
Ladyscribbler, I think that the single biggest challenge I still have in my recovery is lingering thoughts of "if he would just quit drinking, everything would get better." A holdover from my old "I am more of a victim than other spouses of addicts because my AH was sober and in recovery when I dated and married him" ridiculousness. I gave up long ago on the idea that it is my job to fix him, but I still manage to work myself into quite a snit every now and again over how angry I am that he won't get help. Whenever I get bogged down in my feelings, I try to stick to the facts as much as I can. And when I write or type the facts out, in stark black and white, it is easier for me to acknowledge that the dynamic at this point is so damaged and so toxic, and there are so many reasons for that, that even if my AH were to quit drinking RIGHT NOW and re-join a recovery program, our relationship is too broken to fix. And once I made progress toward accepting that, it became a lot easier to detach from his choices.
PS--I was born and lived my first 8 years in Iowa.
PS--I was born and lived my first 8 years in Iowa.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Without. Reading others' responses, I'll say that I tried here on this site to figure out what was needed in my situation. And I did it. Kicked AH out of the house, went no contact, got a lawyer, started going to AA, found support for the children...
And I thought that if I did everything 'right' it would all get better.
But it didn't. At least not anything related to AH...
Then I learned over time to select what advice I really wanted to take from here but also how to listen to myself. There are no rules, no paths to follow that lead to a positive resolution to a big mess intentionally built upon by AH.
I started going my own way. Still am. But after listening on here for the better part of two years.
I used to be almost afraid of poster's reactions and angry words. Then I saw that I knew a thing or two myself.
I think most posts come from a kind, caring place and SR has helped me countless times. And occasionally a few people get carried away and maybe write things that are more hurtful than helpful.
This can be a great place to learn and grow. Take what you want and leave the rest!
And I thought that if I did everything 'right' it would all get better.
But it didn't. At least not anything related to AH...
Then I learned over time to select what advice I really wanted to take from here but also how to listen to myself. There are no rules, no paths to follow that lead to a positive resolution to a big mess intentionally built upon by AH.
I started going my own way. Still am. But after listening on here for the better part of two years.
I used to be almost afraid of poster's reactions and angry words. Then I saw that I knew a thing or two myself.
I think most posts come from a kind, caring place and SR has helped me countless times. And occasionally a few people get carried away and maybe write things that are more hurtful than helpful.
This can be a great place to learn and grow. Take what you want and leave the rest!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Cyranoak I'm glad you and your wife are on a recovery path. I wish only the best for you and I'm glad you check in once in awhile. Sending many positive vibes out into the universe for your family and daughter.
This thread inspired me to go back and read some of my posts from the first year I was here. The support and sharing given was a life line then and so meaningful even today. I miss some of the posters from that time and I'm very grateful for the board being here today too and all the current posters that make it such a valuable resource for me.
This thread inspired me to go back and read some of my posts from the first year I was here. The support and sharing given was a life line then and so meaningful even today. I miss some of the posters from that time and I'm very grateful for the board being here today too and all the current posters that make it such a valuable resource for me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Naples FL
Posts: 61
SR is a godsend for me right now...just to know their are others out there with the same issues with their loved ones...to come to the painful realization you are just as sick as they are...it is mind blowing to say the least...Did you ever just drive around from bar to bar in the middle of the night looking for your loved ones car...or have to leave in the middle of the night because you knew he was so drunk and the verbal assault would rear it's ugly head? Well I would rather be alone, then endure that kind of insanity again...Thank God for my friends, Al Anon, and my counselor...and again to everyone here on SR...
Last edited by Overit23; 10-09-2014 at 02:49 PM. Reason: forgot word
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I showed up here looking for answers, because my ABF had a problem, and that had become very clear to me. I thought for sure y'all were going to tell me how to fix him, and the odds of my efforts working on him. Then I could decide to stay and whip him into shape, or split.
Wow - that seems hilarious, oblivious and completely ignorant to write in retrospect.
I evaluated EVERYTHING everyone said to me with an open mind, but still didn't know where I stood on all of the "work on yourself", "you are codependent", and "detach and let him drown himself" answers for the better part of a year. I also researched alcoholism and codependency (codependency being a word I NEVER associated with myself) outside of this site, but only BECAUSE of this site.
I listened well, and one by one - he and I proved (and still are) proving most of it right. I don't ever remember feeling too defensive - just that some had stronger opinions than others. And that some asked me direct and difficult questions with obvious painful answers - which all helped lead me to some understanding of myself being codependent.
ALL were supportive of me being here, and gave me a place of understanding and empathy, when no one else in my life knew my struggles with this. Eternally grateful to you all.
Wow - that seems hilarious, oblivious and completely ignorant to write in retrospect.
I evaluated EVERYTHING everyone said to me with an open mind, but still didn't know where I stood on all of the "work on yourself", "you are codependent", and "detach and let him drown himself" answers for the better part of a year. I also researched alcoholism and codependency (codependency being a word I NEVER associated with myself) outside of this site, but only BECAUSE of this site.
I listened well, and one by one - he and I proved (and still are) proving most of it right. I don't ever remember feeling too defensive - just that some had stronger opinions than others. And that some asked me direct and difficult questions with obvious painful answers - which all helped lead me to some understanding of myself being codependent.
ALL were supportive of me being here, and gave me a place of understanding and empathy, when no one else in my life knew my struggles with this. Eternally grateful to you all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Oh gosh I came here because I thought he may be drinking, but I wasn't sure and was lurking reading about relapses and the signs.
Then when I was sure I asked how to make him stop.
Many times I had to walk away from the computer not because people were harsh, but because the truth……..I did not want to read it. I got frustrated a lot I remember that - I would keep asking the same question in different ways until someone would tell me what I wanted to hear.
Those that were telling me what I wanted to hear were just like me and not really wanting to accept their situation. Quickly corrected by those who knew better, and it would just infuriate me.
He's two years sober now and we are really good. Better than ever every day. I am glad I finally went to Al Anon that took awhile because I didn't think anything was wrong with me. I miss a member named Titanic he spent A LOT of time and patience to educate me.
Then when I was sure I asked how to make him stop.
Many times I had to walk away from the computer not because people were harsh, but because the truth……..I did not want to read it. I got frustrated a lot I remember that - I would keep asking the same question in different ways until someone would tell me what I wanted to hear.
Those that were telling me what I wanted to hear were just like me and not really wanting to accept their situation. Quickly corrected by those who knew better, and it would just infuriate me.
He's two years sober now and we are really good. Better than ever every day. I am glad I finally went to Al Anon that took awhile because I didn't think anything was wrong with me. I miss a member named Titanic he spent A LOT of time and patience to educate me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I just really want to thank you Wisconsin, for this thread today. I think it took us back to our own origins of why we searched out for help. How lonely we were, how desperate we were to reach out to the internet, was it because we felt we used up our friends, too much, or was it because we became isolated from them. There was a reason why each and everyone here googled, and found a home. A place that we found others like us, that we didn't have to feel so alone anymore. We weren't on that boat anymore for "misfit toys, or misfit children".
I do agree that sometimes you come to the forum, and you can hear the truth that you never wanted to hear. You wanted to hear the lies that you have been repeatedly told. What is here, is the truth, also the love, the caring, the support, and the strength. It's the experience, and even though we or someone here has gone through the same thing you are going through, we want to hold you, and love you and care about you. We want to reach out to you and to let you know that you are not alone.
People come here wanting to hear happy endings. There may be a few here, not many, perhaps go to the newcomers section for that. Those people are trying. We here mostly put the bars down so low for awhile, you wouldn't even trip over them. We are trying to raise that bar, to where it is a normal boundary. Not just I would appreciate it if you treated me like a human being today. Well thank you for not spitting in my face today, or kicking me in the ribs.
I really can't answer how I felt when I came here. I wasn't asking a question, I was looking for answers. I was already divorced.
Like I said before, I was on other forums. I was told what I should be doing. I wasn't ready for that. I joined when I was going through 2 different cancers at the same time. My H at that time, wasn't loving me and holding me. I reached out to a forum. I didn't have the strength to do what they were telling me to do. I didn't want to hear it.
I was on that forum for 5 years, I stopped posting about me. I posted Happy Birthdays, that's about it. I spent 5 New Years with them. My AH wasn't around. He ran away again. The 6th New Year, I had checked my PM on that forum. I had many messages saying congrats, I guess you got out !!!!!!! I did, I left on NYE 2008.
I had met these people twice. We had retreats. Went camping once at Lake Michigan, then also went to Canada. I never wanted to admit how bad I was, both times I had black eyes that were almost faded away. They saw it.
I had one, that would call me , said she had a u haul with a hitch, she would come and get me and take my car also. I was still terminally unique. My AH and I were different, he was going to change for me. After all he did go to a therapist.
See it is hard to make us terminally unique people see different.
I can understand many times why newcomers don't come back. They may still be lurking, or they may go to other forums, thing is, they are afraid, just like I was.
I didn't want things to change, I wanted things to get better, then I found out things had to change to get better.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
I do agree that sometimes you come to the forum, and you can hear the truth that you never wanted to hear. You wanted to hear the lies that you have been repeatedly told. What is here, is the truth, also the love, the caring, the support, and the strength. It's the experience, and even though we or someone here has gone through the same thing you are going through, we want to hold you, and love you and care about you. We want to reach out to you and to let you know that you are not alone.
People come here wanting to hear happy endings. There may be a few here, not many, perhaps go to the newcomers section for that. Those people are trying. We here mostly put the bars down so low for awhile, you wouldn't even trip over them. We are trying to raise that bar, to where it is a normal boundary. Not just I would appreciate it if you treated me like a human being today. Well thank you for not spitting in my face today, or kicking me in the ribs.
I really can't answer how I felt when I came here. I wasn't asking a question, I was looking for answers. I was already divorced.
Like I said before, I was on other forums. I was told what I should be doing. I wasn't ready for that. I joined when I was going through 2 different cancers at the same time. My H at that time, wasn't loving me and holding me. I reached out to a forum. I didn't have the strength to do what they were telling me to do. I didn't want to hear it.
I was on that forum for 5 years, I stopped posting about me. I posted Happy Birthdays, that's about it. I spent 5 New Years with them. My AH wasn't around. He ran away again. The 6th New Year, I had checked my PM on that forum. I had many messages saying congrats, I guess you got out !!!!!!! I did, I left on NYE 2008.
I had met these people twice. We had retreats. Went camping once at Lake Michigan, then also went to Canada. I never wanted to admit how bad I was, both times I had black eyes that were almost faded away. They saw it.
I had one, that would call me , said she had a u haul with a hitch, she would come and get me and take my car also. I was still terminally unique. My AH and I were different, he was going to change for me. After all he did go to a therapist.
See it is hard to make us terminally unique people see different.
I can understand many times why newcomers don't come back. They may still be lurking, or they may go to other forums, thing is, they are afraid, just like I was.
I didn't want things to change, I wanted things to get better, then I found out things had to change to get better.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Eventually I felt that I needed to jump in & start posting & interacting in order to continue to progress in my own recovery.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
I'm a double winner
One thing that you need to be aware of is the high rate of relapse as well as how many never do recover. It is a family disease and can drive us insane watching someone destroy their life and taking everyone hostage with them.
One thing that you need to be aware of is the high rate of relapse as well as how many never do recover. It is a family disease and can drive us insane watching someone destroy their life and taking everyone hostage with them.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Jaeger
Longtime lurker here that finally decided to register. This forum has been a blessing to me! Never doubt that posting here is not helping others.....it definitely has me.
Redatlanta, I agree, I learned tons from Titanic, his posts were always super informative.
This has continued to be such an amazing thread; it's quickly approaching sticky material.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 59
From the postings I've made over the past 6 months I've gained lots of courage and faith from the paths blazed by the folks ahead of me. This Forum has helped me feel much less alone, and to be able to "call a spade a spade." When I first posted in Feb I didn't know anything about alcoholism, other than I hadn't liked my XAH's drinking habits for years and on some level I knew it wasn't normal, but I wasn't able to confront it yet. This Forum and the stories posted on it gave me courage to keep pushing forward, a few small steps at a time.
But even more importantly, I've sensed from several posters that they've come out better and stronger on the other side - not that the journey is ever really complete - but that in making it through the worst of the worst they have built their resilience to move forward in life. It helps so much to know that, on the days that I still cry (which so far is still everyday - but spend much less time doing it each day)
Thank you SR Friends!!!
But even more importantly, I've sensed from several posters that they've come out better and stronger on the other side - not that the journey is ever really complete - but that in making it through the worst of the worst they have built their resilience to move forward in life. It helps so much to know that, on the days that I still cry (which so far is still everyday - but spend much less time doing it each day)
Thank you SR Friends!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Tucson Arizona
Posts: 23
This is a great post. When I found SR I had already been through years of counseling with my XAH and I was divorced from him as well. I felt like I knew so much about the characteristics of A's that no one could tell me too much more but I came because I had some specific questions that baffled me. I think, deep inside, I thought that having divorced my AH it would be cause for him to hit rock bottom and get sober. He said he would do that and prove to me and the kids that we meant everything to him and he would be back some day soon, clean and sober and instead he moved away and within a month and a half was engaged to someone else and getting married 60 days from that point and suddenly he was angry at me and hated me and wanted to fight me for visitation, etc, etc. It totally threw me for a loop.
I posted my situation for 2 reasons, (1) to share my story and (2) looking for someone to tell me if this was normal and would it last. I didn't really get the answer I wanted, I got so much more!!! I too, as a newbie, didn't want to hear that his actions were typical and we were not "special" and I needed to let go and move on, etc. I thought I had let go and moved on. I mean I kicked him out, I filed for divorce and I was free. After posting here, I realized that I may have taken all the actions to remove the physical presence of the nightmare of alcoholism but I had a LONG way to go before even taping into the emotional side of the last 13 years.
I think at the time, I still had a glimmer of hope buried deep in my heart that my A WAS different and that we would be happy again one day and our family would be in one piece again.
After posting a few times and reading a lot on SR I realized I had a lot of work to do on myself. Today, I am so far from that "hope". I actually cringe at the shear thought of ever having a relationship with my XAH and I can say that the reason for the change is having spent a lot of time on SR and reading "empowered recovery".
I am so much happier and stronger and healthier today than I was earlier this year when I first posted.
I had no idea how lost I had become in my XAH life. I did not even see how much he dragged me down and how unhappy I was with life in general. Before meeting my XAH, I laughed a LOT, I found humor in a lot of things and I saw beauty all around me and after being sucked into that awful world of alcoholism, what I thought was normal living was NOT. Even after I divorced him, I seemed happier, I felt happier but I still had so much eating away at me on the inside. SR's clean cut honesty from everyone that posts here is what helped me catapult out of the grey humdrum life I wasliving after divorcing an A.
So, whether us newbies like or don't like what is being said here, it needs to be said! It has truly helped me and I am thankful for everyone on here. Today, I feel like I could conquer the world.
I posted my situation for 2 reasons, (1) to share my story and (2) looking for someone to tell me if this was normal and would it last. I didn't really get the answer I wanted, I got so much more!!! I too, as a newbie, didn't want to hear that his actions were typical and we were not "special" and I needed to let go and move on, etc. I thought I had let go and moved on. I mean I kicked him out, I filed for divorce and I was free. After posting here, I realized that I may have taken all the actions to remove the physical presence of the nightmare of alcoholism but I had a LONG way to go before even taping into the emotional side of the last 13 years.
I think at the time, I still had a glimmer of hope buried deep in my heart that my A WAS different and that we would be happy again one day and our family would be in one piece again.
After posting a few times and reading a lot on SR I realized I had a lot of work to do on myself. Today, I am so far from that "hope". I actually cringe at the shear thought of ever having a relationship with my XAH and I can say that the reason for the change is having spent a lot of time on SR and reading "empowered recovery".
I am so much happier and stronger and healthier today than I was earlier this year when I first posted.
I had no idea how lost I had become in my XAH life. I did not even see how much he dragged me down and how unhappy I was with life in general. Before meeting my XAH, I laughed a LOT, I found humor in a lot of things and I saw beauty all around me and after being sucked into that awful world of alcoholism, what I thought was normal living was NOT. Even after I divorced him, I seemed happier, I felt happier but I still had so much eating away at me on the inside. SR's clean cut honesty from everyone that posts here is what helped me catapult out of the grey humdrum life I wasliving after divorcing an A.
So, whether us newbies like or don't like what is being said here, it needs to be said! It has truly helped me and I am thankful for everyone on here. Today, I feel like I could conquer the world.
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