AW1111

This is my first time posting, and like many of you newcomers I have been scoping out the news feeds for days! It's time for me to reach out and get some support. So sorry it is so long!

My Husband has come to terms and at least acknowledges he has a major drinking problem. The acknowledgement started about 6 months ago when he landed himself in the ER when he tried to detox himself. Obviously the drinking had started waaaay before that. We have a precious 2 year old daughter and have been best friends (although never dated until we were adults) since 8th grade.

After the ER scare he reached out and asked for help. He started attending AA, talking about his problem, and seemed very sincere on trying to get sober. After many failed attempts at sobriety (not more than a week or two at a time) he ended back in the ER for the second time trying to detox himself. He is a binge drinker and when he hits it, he hits it hard. It never really lasts for more than 4-5 days of heavy night drinking (he still is able to function enough to not drink during work). After the 2nd ER visit he finally decided it was time to try an IOP center. Hallelujah right?

To throw this in the mix- One of my husbands biggest triggers is his job. His typical work week is Mon-Sat and 10 hour shifts. Very demanding, stressful job. And to make matters worse, 1/2 of the company is owned by my Step-Father (so not very easy to just pack up and leave). When he started the IOP program it was very stressful working all of those hours at work and going to his program 3 days per week 3 hours at a clip. He would start at 6am and not get home until 10pm. But he was doing it. I saw a change in my husband that I had never seen before. He was starting to take control of his life and addressing all of his issues (including undiagnosed depression). He connected with his counselor and they had an amazing relationship.

Then the bombshell- 6 weeks into the program and over 45 days of sobriety the IOP center fired the counselor my husband was working so closely with. Needless to say my husband has had abandonment issues his whole life and this was devastating for him. On top of that the owner of the program is crazy (I can verify that) and decided to take over temporarily until she could find another counselor. Against advice from everyone (including myself) my husband decided to leave the program. He felt confident he learned enough to try doing this in his own.

Before IOP he had found a therapist who he truly connected with...he is the actual one who recommended IOP from the start. We all sat down and came up with an alternative treatment plan. My husband was going to continue his recovery by seeing his therapist once a week, and committing to 3 AA meetings a week. On top of that he was suppose to text his therapist everyday to let him know he was ok, and find a sponsor through AA.

Not even a week out of IOP my husband picked up. His binge lasted 5 days of pure hell. He detoxed the whole next week and remained sober for a total of 6 days. Then-he picked up again and drank for 3 days. He stopped drinking yesterday and his whole attitude has changed. He is blaming everyone else for getting involved in his recovery, and saying his drinking doesn't effect anyone but himself. A very different husband than the one I was starting to trust again.

I am so angry and frustrated...it is crazy how quick he regressed. He refuses to go to another IOP (because of his first experience), and never followed through with his alternative treatment plan? Now what?! How many times do I have to live through this roller coaster of a life. My husband is the most caring, loving, humble husband and father when he is sober but a complete monster when he drinks. (Never physical but a master at making you feel like crap). I don't want to give up on him...but when is enough, enough?

I have been going to Alanon for weeks which has helped me. How can I give up on someone who is still trying? He is so blinded on the irreversible damage he is causing?

So frustrated!! What do I do!!???

Bamawife

I wish I knew what to say. Hold tight because someone with more/better advice will come along soon!!!

Hugs!

Thumper

Hi AW and welcome to the group. I'm glad you decided to post. There is so much support and wisdom here. Have you read the information in the stickies at the top of the forum? Going to alanon is very smart.

Well, you are the only one that can answer that. The good news and the bad news is that the choice is all yours. Good news because you can control that. Bad news because 'Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple - Dr. Seuss'.

Refusing treatment options and drinking every weekend doesn't look like trying to me. Remember to watch his actions.

dandylion

AW1111....I read between the lines that you believe that your hanging on (not "giving up) on him is the thing that will save him. You have been in alanon....so, you have already heard the 3 c's......You know that you can't control him.
It is very hard to come to the realization of what this really means.

When is enough enough? When you decide that it is. He is going to do what he is going to do...the question is: "What are you going to do". What are your boundaries for yourself?

If you haven't....read the stickies at the top of this main page eSPECIALLY, THE ONES CALLED CLASSIC READINGS. There is so m uch to learn....

There are different degrees of "trying"....He hasn't done rehab...? Doesn't have a sponsor..? Hasn't done 90 meetings in 90 days....dropped out of the IOP....
I'm just saying.....

In addition to alanon....having a counselor for yourself to give you guidance and extra support is very valuable. You are trying to look after him....who is going to look after your welfare.......?

AW1111.....WELCOME TO SR! It was a good step for you to come here to post!!

dandylion

AW1111

Dandylion- you are 100% right.

It looks so obvious to me when someone else writes it out. I guess I am still enabling him and not holding him accountable...I guess a clear definition of "trying" to me would be to do whatever it takes to remain sober. And if that way doesn't work, try another until you find it successful. By me saying he is trying-really isn't the truth. Somewhere along the line I lost my confidence in him and forgot he is a capable adult that can make his own decisions. If he really wanted to get sober he would figure out a way.

I guess I am just grieving and in denial that someone can be so invested in this disease they don't care about anyone who gets hurt in the process. I just feel sick to my stomach. I hurt for me, and I hurt so much for my daughter.

FireSprite

Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry to read how your AH has been backsliding in his recovery, that has to be devastating for you.
You asked when enough is enough..... One of our members Mike has a wonderful saying for this: (it is enough for you) "when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving". Only you can make that call for your life.

Stick around, keep reading & posting!

AW1111

Good saying!

Well...tonight was enough! I am not ready to file for divorce, but I am going to ask him to leave for a while until he sobers up, detoxes, and gets himself thinking clear headed. I think some time apart might do us both some good. He has convinced himself he can do it by himself- his way- as long as I am not meddling in his recovery. I am so over being the "excuse" why he drinks. Clearly I know I'm not, but maybe being apart, and him not being able to blame me will send a pretty strong message. And maybe it won't? I guess I am ok with that. if it's meant to be it will and if it's not then I will save myself five more years of living on eggshells. I have to start my own recovery and stop feeling so helpless. I told my Mom my plan and she agrees and supports me. There is no going back (that is why I told my mom) and that is scary for me. But I suppose uncomfortable change is better than no change?

I have been dealing with a very sick two year old and had to take her to the ER with a 104 temp on Monday. My AH was intoxicated so I would not let him come with me. Not what me or my sick baby needed. Huge eye opener for me. I feel like this was a huge turning point for me...I am scared, hurt, angry, but feel ok. If he really wants it- he can fight for it. I don't want to anymore...I am so tired.

Has anyone else gone through a trial separation with someone attempting to get sober? How do I know if he is really staying sober if I'm not around him everyday? How long should I have him stay away so he can focus on his recovery if he chooses? I am scared!!

Refiner

Hi, AW and welcome! While I have not personally had an issue with my partner/spouse where a separation was necessary, I've read and read and read here and it appears that it's really in the best interest of BOTH of you to separate during his recovery process. And when I say separate... I'm talking a good 6 months or even a year is better. You shouldn't be "checking in on him to make sure he's sober", either. He's only going to be successful if he does this for himself, and not to make you happy that he's being a good boy and not drinking. By being separate, it also gives you the opportunity to get back in Alanon or your own recovery to gain the tools you'll need to "stay on your side of the street" during his own recovery. I hope I've bumped this so others can chime in who have actual experience with this process. Hang in there.

AW1111

Thank you for commenting. I have made up my mind that I would like him to leave right now. I am preparing myself for the apologies, begging to stay, or the contrary of him getting angry. Doesn't really matter at this point for me. I need some piece of mind at the moment. Some stability and healing for myself.

I think if he does choose to continue his recovery he will benefit of doing it without the support or two sense from me. I am not going to give him the opportunity anymore to use me as the reason he is overwhelmed and drinks or that he only commits to a program because he is trying to please me. I have lived through both of those scenarios and we are still right back at square one.

However we do share a beautiful 2 year old daughter who loves her Dad. He is a fantastic father when he is not drinking. I am not going to hold her from him if he is staying sober. I will have contact with him and let him be around her with my presence. I will be sure to set boundaries and stick with them. I love my husband very much and a healthy family structure is very important to me.

Although many might take this as still enabling, my AH has made leaps and bounds from when he started his recovery. He was putting in the work and I truly saw a happier healthy man. He has regressed, and he needs to figure out for himself how to find peace and sobriety in his life if he really wants to be a part of our lives.

I suppose there are so many factors that I really feel I don't need to overwhelm myself with by setting a time frame. I suppose we will cross that road when or if we even get there. All I know is I just need a break right now. I refuse to be a part of watching him feel terrible when he is detoxing, or irritable because he is getting through the first few weeks without alcohol. I have seen him go through that too many times. The ball is in his court on what path he decides to go down. I just know I need to focus on me and my daughter right now. I need to find peace in my own life and begin my recovery so I can find some serenity in wherever my life takes me.

hopeful4

My X is a binge drinker. Also same line of thinking, it does not affect anyone but him. HA. Tell that to my kids....


I think you are doing the right thing. This gives you time to breathe. It gives him a consequence, see what he does w/that. The thing about many alcoholics is that they are triggered so easily. So you saw what he did with one major setback.

When my X's mom died, he drank like a fish. He kept on after that. It was always something. That sounds harsh, but it is the reality of life. There will always be stress. There will always be triggers. He has to learn to handle those in a healthy way and not rely on alcohol to get him through those times.

I second Alanon or Celebrate Recovery. You would get good support there for YOU. Most Celebrate Receoveries have free childcare.

XXX. I am glad you are here!

iamemily

Hi! Oh boy, does this sound familiar... although it's my sibling that's doing this. The blaming, the being horrid when drunk, the "it doesn't affect anyone else"... I can only send you a virtual hug and hope it gets better for you.