so many emotions
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
so many emotions
I have so many emotions lately, I feel like I am going to go crazy today. I keep telling myself that it is all normal... that I'm going through a hard time right now, and it is okay to feel up and down. Right now I'm at work and so behind on my responsibilities, but all I want to do is scream and sob, but I can't do that here. I am SO ANGRY right now. Nothing new, really, but the more I think about all the things that have happened with AH, the more angry I get, but then later I just want to call him and tell him all of this and tell him I miss him, and then I feel so disappointed in myself...
I have always felt like I am the sane, stable one, keeping things together, but now I feel like I'm losing my mind. I know I'll be okay, just need to get through this, and wanted to get it out.
Thanks, i feel a little better now...
I have always felt like I am the sane, stable one, keeping things together, but now I feel like I'm losing my mind. I know I'll be okay, just need to get through this, and wanted to get it out.
Thanks, i feel a little better now...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Yes Kboys you are the codependent. Peace keeper. I understand that you are losing your mind as we all are.
If you decide that you don't want to call him then stick with that. If you decide you want to, put together a text or email to send to him, but dont send it. Give yourself a one hour time frame. Revisit the email and then decide then. Or you can just post it on SR and then we can respond to it.
We all cave in and want to love our A's. But we know that there is not a chance of them hitting rock bottom if we keep telling them that we love them. Been there done that, hasn't worked yet. Stay strong, keep reaching out to the people who have done it before you. You will be glad you did and didn't (send) what you wanted to send.
READ/READ and READ more on SR. It helps. Go to an Alanon meeting and get support that way.
Good luck ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
If you decide that you don't want to call him then stick with that. If you decide you want to, put together a text or email to send to him, but dont send it. Give yourself a one hour time frame. Revisit the email and then decide then. Or you can just post it on SR and then we can respond to it.
We all cave in and want to love our A's. But we know that there is not a chance of them hitting rock bottom if we keep telling them that we love them. Been there done that, hasn't worked yet. Stay strong, keep reaching out to the people who have done it before you. You will be glad you did and didn't (send) what you wanted to send.
READ/READ and READ more on SR. It helps. Go to an Alanon meeting and get support that way.
Good luck ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Kboys, I have felt those emotions too. Sometimes I still do. Especially when I make the choice to hang out with him, then the emotions resurface again. They aren't as intense now but I still have to deal with them. Distance is what helps me the most. I used to keep a journal too and write what I was feeling. Then later I go back and read what I was feeling then and see how far I've come along. Be gentle with yourself. Tight hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
thank you everyone. This is what I want to say to him right now:
I hate you so much for all you have put me through, but I still want you to come over tonight. I want to talk more about it, because I love that you haven’t been drinking and we have been able to have actual normal conversations lately. I feel like there is so much I still want to say to you, that I have been bottling up for so long because I can’t share it with you when you’re drinking. And it has felt so good to get these things out to you, and have you respond in a supportive and understanding way, like a normal husband should. And I think that’s why I’m getting so emotional and feeling so “crazy.” Because I have always had to deal with your craziness and drama and chaos and I have tried to manage my emotions in order to try to manage yours. I’ve never been able to let out all this anger and frustration to you because I know it would just make things worse and you would yell and scream and break things. So I just have tried to do my best to just agree with everything you say, listen to you, support you, even though it was never good enough for you. But now I feel like it’s all just coming out and I want so badly to release it to you… but it’s making me feel like I’m “losing it.”
I want you to come home tonight, and I want to talk to you and have a normal nice night with the kids, but I don’t want you to move back in. I don’t want to talk about our future together, because I know we can’t have one. I know I will never trust you again, but I’m not ready for you to be completely gone out of my life either. I know I’m confusing you with my ups and downs, and I’m sorry for that. I know that it would be best for us both if I would just stick to what I said I wanted. You got your apartment, so you should just stay there, and we should not drag this out. But I miss you, and I want you tonight.
I hate you so much for all you have put me through, but I still want you to come over tonight. I want to talk more about it, because I love that you haven’t been drinking and we have been able to have actual normal conversations lately. I feel like there is so much I still want to say to you, that I have been bottling up for so long because I can’t share it with you when you’re drinking. And it has felt so good to get these things out to you, and have you respond in a supportive and understanding way, like a normal husband should. And I think that’s why I’m getting so emotional and feeling so “crazy.” Because I have always had to deal with your craziness and drama and chaos and I have tried to manage my emotions in order to try to manage yours. I’ve never been able to let out all this anger and frustration to you because I know it would just make things worse and you would yell and scream and break things. So I just have tried to do my best to just agree with everything you say, listen to you, support you, even though it was never good enough for you. But now I feel like it’s all just coming out and I want so badly to release it to you… but it’s making me feel like I’m “losing it.”
I want you to come home tonight, and I want to talk to you and have a normal nice night with the kids, but I don’t want you to move back in. I don’t want to talk about our future together, because I know we can’t have one. I know I will never trust you again, but I’m not ready for you to be completely gone out of my life either. I know I’m confusing you with my ups and downs, and I’m sorry for that. I know that it would be best for us both if I would just stick to what I said I wanted. You got your apartment, so you should just stay there, and we should not drag this out. But I miss you, and I want you tonight.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
"The danger with having the ''normal'' conversations is they can suck you in to thinking things are ''normal'' again when they are NOT and the alcoholic behaviour raises it's ugly head again , there is a danger of getting too pally and getting too ''sucked in'' by it all when things are going well and they are treating you nice , that can QUICKLY change so best to be on guard at all times and not get too friendly or even open with them as nothing you say will make a blind bit of difference if they still want to drink!!!!
How long has he been in active recovery for?"
I wouldn't say he is in recovery. But he hasn't been drinking since Thursday. I know, woo-hoo. He's not going to meetings or any programs. Just not drinking. I know that it will not last and that six days means nothing. I'm trying not to get sucked back in, and I think I'm being pretty realistic about it, as I've been down this road many times with him before.... BUT, I don't know, maybe I just feel like I need to take advantage of the "normal" while it lasts. It makes me feel better in the short term, but I know it's not making anything better for the long term...
How long has he been in active recovery for?"
I wouldn't say he is in recovery. But he hasn't been drinking since Thursday. I know, woo-hoo. He's not going to meetings or any programs. Just not drinking. I know that it will not last and that six days means nothing. I'm trying not to get sucked back in, and I think I'm being pretty realistic about it, as I've been down this road many times with him before.... BUT, I don't know, maybe I just feel like I need to take advantage of the "normal" while it lasts. It makes me feel better in the short term, but I know it's not making anything better for the long term...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kboys....one of the problems when someone that we love has hurt us....we look to the person who hurt us to also be the person who heals us. And that is a real bind bender...it can make you feel completely crazy..not to speak of the pain of it all.
You will have to go to other sources for the healing (and that includes yourself).
No doubt you are in acute grieving process, right now.
The fact that he is trying to white knuckle it without any other program of help is not a good sign that real sobriety is anywhere near. He will have to figure that out for himself.
He is going to do what he is going to do. He is not going to care for you...nor does he sound even capable, right now. He is wrestling with the alcoholic voice in his head, right now. He can't put anyone or anything as first priority while this is going on.
It will not always feel like this.
dandylion
You will have to go to other sources for the healing (and that includes yourself).
No doubt you are in acute grieving process, right now.
The fact that he is trying to white knuckle it without any other program of help is not a good sign that real sobriety is anywhere near. He will have to figure that out for himself.
He is going to do what he is going to do. He is not going to care for you...nor does he sound even capable, right now. He is wrestling with the alcoholic voice in his head, right now. He can't put anyone or anything as first priority while this is going on.
It will not always feel like this.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Kboys, the message is good but he is loking for an excuse to drink. Those type of letters could just put him over the edge..with all the drama..
You have to remember that A's lie, so maybe he is drinking.. does it matter?
Take care of you.. get healthier and see where it goes. Then you can make those decisions.
You have to remember that A's lie, so maybe he is drinking.. does it matter?
Take care of you.. get healthier and see where it goes. Then you can make those decisions.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by Kboys 
thank you everyone. This is what I want to say to him right now:
I hate you so much for all you have put me through, but I still want you to come over tonight. I want to talk more about it, because I love that you haven’t been drinking and we have been able to have actual normal conversations lately. I feel like there is so much I still want to say to you, that I have been bottling up for so long because I can’t share it with you when you’re drinking. And it has felt so good to get these things out to you, and have you respond in a supportive and understanding way, like a normal husband should. And I think that’s why I’m getting so emotional and feeling so “crazy.” Because I have always had to deal with your craziness and drama and chaos and I have tried to manage my emotions in order to try to manage yours. I’ve never been able to let out all this anger and frustration to you because I know it would just make things worse and you would yell and scream and break things. So I just have tried to do my best to just agree with everything you say, listen to you, support you, even though it was never good enough for you. But now I feel like it’s all just coming out and I want so badly to release it to you… but it’s making me feel like I’m “losing it.”
I want you to come home tonight, and I want to talk to you and have a normal nice night with the kids, but I don’t want you to move back in. I don’t want to talk about our future together, because I know we can’t have one. I know I will never trust you again, but I’m not ready for you to be completely gone out of my life either. I know I’m confusing you with my ups and downs, and I’m sorry for that. I know that it would be best for us both if I would just stick to what I said I wanted. You got your apartment, so you should just stay there, and we should not drag this out. But I miss you, and I want you tonight.
I hate you so much for all you have put me through, but I still want you to come over tonight. I want to talk more about it, because I love that you haven’t been drinking and we have been able to have actual normal conversations lately. I feel like there is so much I still want to say to you, that I have been bottling up for so long because I can’t share it with you when you’re drinking. And it has felt so good to get these things out to you, and have you respond in a supportive and understanding way, like a normal husband should. And I think that’s why I’m getting so emotional and feeling so “crazy.” Because I have always had to deal with your craziness and drama and chaos and I have tried to manage my emotions in order to try to manage yours. I’ve never been able to let out all this anger and frustration to you because I know it would just make things worse and you would yell and scream and break things. So I just have tried to do my best to just agree with everything you say, listen to you, support you, even though it was never good enough for you. But now I feel like it’s all just coming out and I want so badly to release it to you… but it’s making me feel like I’m “losing it.”
I want you to come home tonight, and I want to talk to you and have a normal nice night with the kids, but I don’t want you to move back in. I don’t want to talk about our future together, because I know we can’t have one. I know I will never trust you again, but I’m not ready for you to be completely gone out of my life either. I know I’m confusing you with my ups and downs, and I’m sorry for that. I know that it would be best for us both if I would just stick to what I said I wanted. You got your apartment, so you should just stay there, and we should not drag this out. But I miss you, and I want you tonight.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Wow K, I SO get what you are going through right now. I am in the same "CRAZIER than him" place. My A is in recovery first rehab and now AA and an IOP. But still, all of the "managing my emotions" I did while he was drinking has all boiled over and I am screaming mad with him right now. I hate his guts. I want him to "pay me back" for all the wrong crap he did to me, all the pain. But he CAN'T. All he can really do is stay the course in his recovery and not do those things again. If he does, I can't be with him anymore.
More and more I am starting to question whether or not I even still want to be in a relationship I have to do all this forgiving and grieving over, when there is a chance I'll have to do it all over again if he picks back up. And that is scary, because as a good codie, part of me feels that I can't live without him, or make it on my own, or even feel that I am worthy of HAVING any legitimate wants or needs and that is so, so hard.
More and more I am starting to question whether or not I even still want to be in a relationship I have to do all this forgiving and grieving over, when there is a chance I'll have to do it all over again if he picks back up. And that is scary, because as a good codie, part of me feels that I can't live without him, or make it on my own, or even feel that I am worthy of HAVING any legitimate wants or needs and that is so, so hard.
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