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Lonely cures?

Old 10-09-2014, 01:03 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
I sure as hell hope so or I haven't learned much!

Someday I hope to put it to the test, lmao.
LOL. Ditto. Someday.
And WTBH, I think it's great that you were able to spot those red flags early and be assertive about ending things. Sounds like it was good practice, at least.
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Old 10-09-2014, 01:23 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Here's my faux personal ad I could write... (this could be a whole new thread to be honest-- Im cracking myself up as I write this!)

In search of gainfully employed, non-mother-issue having, honest, non addict male. Looking for a replacement mom? Been there done that... No thanks. Looking for me to help you find yourself, repair your wounds or participate in blaming your ex's for all your woes? Not interested.... Is "fun" getting plastered? No thank you. Oh my BS meter is finely tuned so don't waste time trying to lie... A grasp of the English language and being able to write a sentence without using text speak is a bonus.

As for me, I know and embrace all my flaws and it's pretty unlikely that I'll revert to being a wall flower so if you're looking for the genteel, meek type, that's not me. Fairly sure I can be exceptionally annoying and stubborn-- it's part of my charm. But I own it.

PS. My 6 year old is nearly a carbon copy of me and it took me writing this out to realize that... So if you like what you hear, there's a whole other generation of me too

Okay that was fun to write...
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Old 10-09-2014, 01:29 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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wtbh and thumper -

THAT is what I'm dealing with. The "just friends" dude that I confided everything in suggests going out more and doing things with him (and other girls that he goes out with) and they are all so laissez-faire and not responsible for kids like I am.

That is the line I am having to draw.

Unacceptable/unworkable doesn't work and my accommodating and going along and seeing what might be…doesn't work for me any more because the lonely part of me gets satiated for a few hours, but ends there, and I need to spend time with people I can count on who are willing to meet me on my terms - not just their own.
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Old 10-09-2014, 01:30 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
In search of gainfully employed, non-mother-issue having, honest, non addict male. Looking for a replacement mom? Been there done that... No thanks. Looking for me to help you find yourself, repair your wounds or participate in blaming your ex's for all your woes? Not interested.... Is "fun" getting plastered? No thank you. Oh my BS meter is finely tuned so don't waste time trying to lie... A grasp of the English language and being able to write a sentence without using text speak is a bonus.
Sounds perfectly reasonable to me!
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Old 10-09-2014, 01:39 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Love what everyone shared here and it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I may still be married (on paper) but I am so lonely lately despite my efforts to spend time with friends, the travel I do for my son's tournaments and hang with other tennis parents, taking up working with a trainer at the gym, etc. I stay busy, but I feel lonely and I realize now that it's my stupid libido coming to life.

A year ago I had no desire for a man. NONE. I wanted to be celibate until the day I died and I had confided in many folks that I was pretty much done with romantic relationships of any kind.

Ever since AH and I made the decision to split, I feel really free. And, that free feeling has led me to start desiring something else and I know what it is even though I tell myself to knock it off and keep working on my own recovery. I know a relationship is a no no at this point anyway, but the thought keeps creeping in to my head. I wouldn't act on it, but I recognize it and I'm hoping it's actually a sign that I am changing and that I am becoming healthier especially when it comes to entertaining a future with or without a significant other.

WTBH, so glad to hear that saw the red flags and were able to end things. It shows you are growing and that you know yourself and what you want. Thanks for sharing your struggle because it's nice to know I'm not alone.
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Old 10-09-2014, 01:44 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I was sort of dating (aka when I felt like giving up my time with the girls) a man, yes...

But the reservations I had early on ended up being accurate... and so I ended things. He was nice... but needy and whiny and wanted to be "taken care of" and since I have a xAH who fits that bill too I had zero tolerance for it.

I actually was sort of pleased with myself for drawing a line and saying that it wasnt what I wanted bc up to now I have ALWAYS tolerated intolerable behavior from others in relationships (friendships and otherwise) so it was a big step for me to have no trouble at all saying "Im not feeling this" and be totally ok with that...

I am not wanting to settle just to have company and no matter how small, any red flag is sort of a deal breaker for me.

My best friend who is also a single mom has been in a relationship with someone who makes her unhappy for a long time... And she keeps saying that she stays with him bc she is afraid to be lonely... That is something I will NEVER do.

Then there is me. I am unwilling to put up with anything that smacks of needy/pity seeking/blaming others and my best friend has suggested that maybe I am being overly harsh or have too high criteria etc... And she has been pointing out that even if things are not great with her bf, at least he's company when she's alone (and admittedly that gets me a bit even as I realize that that is a large part of why I stayed with xAH for so long and KNOW that that is unhealthy)...

So, I have been feeling lonely and thinking that maybe I am unreasonable...

Is it unreasonable to have clear standards in my mind of what I can and cant deal with?

What do others of you think? Do you have a lower tolerance for BS in the dating world post the A?

That's awesome. Your strength and self esteem have grown leaps and bounds. You deserve someone who is an adult, not a child.

The first person I dated after exA had an out of state girlfriend he wasn't truthful about. When confronted, he immediately attacked me. I let him go at that moment and learned a valuable lesson at the time. Pay attention early on to those red flags! Having ignored them before, I did not with him and glad I did not as he turned out to have a lot of legal/financial issues too.

I have an EXTREMELY low tolerance for BS in all relationships now. I think it is a good thing you have higher standards. Why settle?
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Old 10-09-2014, 01:48 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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LOL. Have you ever seen PS I love You? It is a movie and there is a scene were Lisa Kudrow (I don't remember her characters name) goes up to men and introduces herself and asks Are you Single? Are you gay? Are you working? and as soon as she gets a wrong answer - she just walks off without another word. I don't even remember what the movie was about but that scene was funny.
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Old 10-09-2014, 01:59 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Love what everyone shared here and it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I may still be married (on paper) but I am so lonely lately despite my efforts to spend time with friends, the travel I do for my son's tournaments and hang with other tennis parents, taking up working with a trainer at the gym, etc. I stay busy, but I feel lonely and I realize now that it's my stupid libido coming to life.

A year ago I had no desire for a man. NONE. I wanted to be celibate until the day I died and I had confided in many folks that I was pretty much done with romantic relationships of any kind.

Ever since AH and I made the decision to split, I feel really free. And, that free feeling has led me to start desiring something else and I know what it is even though I tell myself to knock it off and keep working on my own recovery. I know a relationship is a no no at this point anyway, but the thought keeps creeping in to my head. I wouldn't act on it, but I recognize it and I'm hoping it's actually a sign that I am changing and that I am becoming healthier especially when it comes to entertaining a future with or without a significant other.

WTBH, so glad to hear that saw the red flags and were able to end things. It shows you are growing and that you know yourself and what you want. Thanks for sharing your struggle because it's nice to know I'm not alone.
I think is a really good thing your libido is coming back to life. Some people never really have one and others' are destroyed by dysfunctional relationships. You are a lucky lady.
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Old 10-09-2014, 04:27 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
I think is a really good thing your libido is coming back to life. Some people never really have one and others' are destroyed by dysfunctional relationships. You are a lucky lady.
I'm not so sure about that one, LOL! The other day I was at the gym and this guy starts talking to me (he's approached me before and seems very genuine and everyone at the gym seems to like him) and I start thinking, "Yeah, I'd do him if I were single!" EEKKK!!! I haven't thought like that since I was 20!

I don't know about most of the folks here but when I was committed to my marriage, I kept my head down and didn't make eye contact with men unless it was required (for business purposes) or we were in a group setting, etc. I'm a pretty conservative girl. I respected my vows and I am a very loyal person. Lately, though, my mind, body, and heart are all over the place. I'm hoping it's just some weird hormonal thing that will pass, LOL!
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Old 10-09-2014, 05:11 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I'm not so sure about that one, LOL! The other day I was at the gym and this guy starts talking to me (he's approached me before and seems very genuine and everyone at the gym seems to like him) and I start thinking, "Yeah, I'd do him if I were single!" EEKKK!!! I haven't thought like that since I was 20!

I don't know about most of the folks here but when I was committed to my marriage, I kept my head down and didn't make eye contact with men unless it was required (for business purposes) or we were in a group setting, etc. I'm a pretty conservative girl. I respected my vows and I am a very loyal person. Lately, though, my mind, body, and heart are all over the place. I'm hoping it's just some weird hormonal thing that will pass, LOL!
Well, I would much rather hear about your crush or Wanttobehealthy's dating life than the "how can I stay in my unhealthy relationship stuff!" You ladies might not see it, but from here I can see how far you are coming along. YAY!
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