Hi! I'm new here. It's time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Buffalo, MN
Posts: 21
Hi! I'm new here. It's time.
I'm suddenly realizing AH needs help and fast. Thank you all for being here. I've been watching this site for a while. I'm looking forward to getting to know many of you who have been here or are in the same place we are right now. We're in the way, way beginning of this....unless you count the practicing to be drunk part.....then we've had 25+ years of practice.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi there, and welcome. I'm always sad to see new people needing the support of this board, and at the same time, I'm always happy when someone who needs SR finds it. It surely has helped me tremendously during the eight years I've read and posted here.
If you've followed the board for a while, you know a few things already:
* You didn't CAUSE his drinking, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it.
* Al-Anon is a fabulous real-life support group, and you can find the information about meetings in your area here: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/al-anon-in-minnesota
* Everyone here has had experiences very similar to yours. Whatever you think is weird probably isn't to people here.
When I first started posting here, I was very annoyed at the responses I got. I didn't like the answers I got; I wanted different ones. Ones that told me if I only did X, Y, and Z, my husband would stop drinking and we would live happily ever after.
The truth is more difficult and less appealing than that. But I can assure you that everyone here, regardless of how you feel about our responses to your posts, care about you and understand the situation you're in.
So you say your husband needs help -- does he realize this?
If you've followed the board for a while, you know a few things already:
* You didn't CAUSE his drinking, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it.
* Al-Anon is a fabulous real-life support group, and you can find the information about meetings in your area here: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/al-anon-in-minnesota
* Everyone here has had experiences very similar to yours. Whatever you think is weird probably isn't to people here.
When I first started posting here, I was very annoyed at the responses I got. I didn't like the answers I got; I wanted different ones. Ones that told me if I only did X, Y, and Z, my husband would stop drinking and we would live happily ever after.
The truth is more difficult and less appealing than that. But I can assure you that everyone here, regardless of how you feel about our responses to your posts, care about you and understand the situation you're in.
So you say your husband needs help -- does he realize this?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
tonsoffaith....I am glad that you decided to post. You sound like you might be feeling a lot of distress, right now...? That would be very understandable.
Perhaps you could fill us in with a bit more information?
Also, does your husband seem to realize or think that he needs help?
dandylion
Perhaps you could fill us in with a bit more information?
Also, does your husband seem to realize or think that he needs help?
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Buffalo, MN
Posts: 21
Well hi lillamy! Thanks so much for your quick response! 
Well, according to my AH, I am the reason he drinks....although that means I'm quite talented because he was an alcoholic before I even met him ;-) We were 18 though, so neither of us thought he was an alcoholic at the time.
He does realize he needs to quit and that he is an alcoholic and how bad his drinking has become. Last week he tried to do the HAMS program (first time in 25 years he has EVER tried to address his drinking in any way). He was doing really well for exactly 7 days and then splat....he fell. So now I'm hoping he'll see our doctor. I have been talking with his closest friend, and we're just in the beginning stages of talking about how to help AH.
So I'm a newbie and grateful for all input. Thanks lillamy!!
Well, according to my AH, I am the reason he drinks....although that means I'm quite talented because he was an alcoholic before I even met him ;-) We were 18 though, so neither of us thought he was an alcoholic at the time.
He does realize he needs to quit and that he is an alcoholic and how bad his drinking has become. Last week he tried to do the HAMS program (first time in 25 years he has EVER tried to address his drinking in any way). He was doing really well for exactly 7 days and then splat....he fell. So now I'm hoping he'll see our doctor. I have been talking with his closest friend, and we're just in the beginning stages of talking about how to help AH.
So I'm a newbie and grateful for all input. Thanks lillamy!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Buffalo, MN
Posts: 21
Thanks Dandylion and Resolute 50. I'm actually not that stressed just yet (I know I'll probably laugh at that later right!). I'm kind of beating myself up for letting this go on so long and being too weak and lazy to address it years and years ago. Hindsight you know.... But I guess it hasn't really been negative until about the last 5 years.
We were kids when we met. We 'partied' through our 20s. I had our daughter in our 30s, so my 'partying' curbed considerably, but hubby kept right on going and then began getting more and more negative and ugly and hateful and angry, etc. the last 5ish years.
In the morning, before getting out of bed, if we get a chance to talk, he says he knows he's a hot mess and we can talk a little bit, but he pretty quickly hops up and moves on to thinking about something else.
We were kids when we met. We 'partied' through our 20s. I had our daughter in our 30s, so my 'partying' curbed considerably, but hubby kept right on going and then began getting more and more negative and ugly and hateful and angry, etc. the last 5ish years.
In the morning, before getting out of bed, if we get a chance to talk, he says he knows he's a hot mess and we can talk a little bit, but he pretty quickly hops up and moves on to thinking about something else.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm sorry you need us too, but glad you found this place. If you are completely new to the site take some time to read through some of the stickeys up at the top of the forum for threads that resonate with you. There is so much info to take in that it can get really overwhelming.
Welcome & keep posting!
Welcome & keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
according to my AH, I am the reason he drinks....although that means I'm quite talented because he was an alcoholic before I even met him
I've honestly never seen moderation work -- so I'm not surprised he "fell off the wagon" after 7 days of HAMS.
So are you getting any support and help? I know that was hard for me -- I was angry the first time I went to an Al-Anon meeting because I felt it was terribly unfair that I had to seek help when he was the one with the problem...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Buffalo, MN
Posts: 21
I just emailed nearest Al-Anon I could find. It's just over an hour away, I'm hoping there's something closer to home. I do have lots of support of friends and family. Thanks for asking! Even if there isn't that exact thing close-by, I think I remember seeing some open AA meetings here in my town. Would you recommend that?
Even if there isn't that exact thing close-by, I think I remember seeing some open AA meetings here in my town. Would you recommend that?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
tonsoffaith.....many of the churches have a program called "Celebrate Recovery".
Several members of this forum have gone there, also.
I think open AA meetings are a good idea. Much of what I have learned has been from recovering alcoholics.
dandylion
Several members of this forum have gone there, also.
I think open AA meetings are a good idea. Much of what I have learned has been from recovering alcoholics.
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
tonsoffaith - welcome to SR.
I'm kind of beating myself up for letting this go on so long and being too weak and lazy to address it years and years ago.
i seriously doubt that you are either weak or lazy!!! let's not forget your AH has always had the capacity to reason this out for himself, to seek help. what matters is the now...you've reached out for help, not only to gain insight in ways to "help" him, but also to get support for youself. it sounds like the seeds of change have been planted and your AH isn't completely AGAINST the idea of making changes. hopefully this is the start of a new chapter for both of you!
I'm kind of beating myself up for letting this go on so long and being too weak and lazy to address it years and years ago.
i seriously doubt that you are either weak or lazy!!! let's not forget your AH has always had the capacity to reason this out for himself, to seek help. what matters is the now...you've reached out for help, not only to gain insight in ways to "help" him, but also to get support for youself. it sounds like the seeds of change have been planted and your AH isn't completely AGAINST the idea of making changes. hopefully this is the start of a new chapter for both of you!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and a warm welcome to you! I am glad you are here!
Unless you are holding his mouth open and pouring alcohol in, you are not the reason he drinks. That is a commonly used manipulation tactic. Don't fall for that for a second.
Unless you are holding his mouth open and pouring alcohol in, you are not the reason he drinks. That is a commonly used manipulation tactic. Don't fall for that for a second.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Tonsoffaith,
You are writing my story. I started dating my soon to be ex alcoholic husband (stbxah) at 15 years old. Got married, just celebrated our 26 year anniversary. Had two wonderful (non drinking) daughters.
We did the same thing, partied for 14 years together, had a child, nursed 9 months, had another child nursed 9 months. So for about 5 years was nursing or had infants. I really wasn't anymore fun. Well his drinking progressively got worse. He became self centered, and raged at anything. I being the submissive peace keeping wife/mother allowed his inappropriate behavior. Took care of the kids the best of my ability.
Now fast forward to 2 years ago. My youngest daughter went off to college and we sold our biz we had, had for 22 years. It was his time to PLAY. He literally left. I was struggling with both kids gone and he thought this is my time to have fun.
So for 2 years this has been my hell. He leaves every weekend to go whitewater paddle, (paddle, party & play) he had an inappropriate relationship with another paddler (who he refuses to cut contact with), he has punched holes and kicked holes in walls, spit in my face (multiple times) and lied to me over the years.
After months in therapy a year ago and no help, I finally started going to Alanon in January. Alanon is where I needed to be, these people understood. So it has taken me 9 months to realize after 34 years that I can not love my husband, to become sober. I have fully accepted that he loves alcohol more then us. I have filed for divorce through mediation and final court date is Oct. 29. I put my house up by owner, with no help from him and sold it, close November 12. I put in an offer on a town home and still waiting to see if I got it. My daughters won't touch alcohol because of the hell my husband has put them through. (hes a good guy, with a horrible disease)
So it has taken me a long time to come to peace with my decision. I hope that you can take the time and get some help. Move slowly and educate yourself. SR is a wonderful place to vent as we have already been there.
I will put you in my prayers as I know EXACTLY what you are going through and you are not alone.
((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))
You are writing my story. I started dating my soon to be ex alcoholic husband (stbxah) at 15 years old. Got married, just celebrated our 26 year anniversary. Had two wonderful (non drinking) daughters.
We did the same thing, partied for 14 years together, had a child, nursed 9 months, had another child nursed 9 months. So for about 5 years was nursing or had infants. I really wasn't anymore fun. Well his drinking progressively got worse. He became self centered, and raged at anything. I being the submissive peace keeping wife/mother allowed his inappropriate behavior. Took care of the kids the best of my ability.
Now fast forward to 2 years ago. My youngest daughter went off to college and we sold our biz we had, had for 22 years. It was his time to PLAY. He literally left. I was struggling with both kids gone and he thought this is my time to have fun.
So for 2 years this has been my hell. He leaves every weekend to go whitewater paddle, (paddle, party & play) he had an inappropriate relationship with another paddler (who he refuses to cut contact with), he has punched holes and kicked holes in walls, spit in my face (multiple times) and lied to me over the years.
After months in therapy a year ago and no help, I finally started going to Alanon in January. Alanon is where I needed to be, these people understood. So it has taken me 9 months to realize after 34 years that I can not love my husband, to become sober. I have fully accepted that he loves alcohol more then us. I have filed for divorce through mediation and final court date is Oct. 29. I put my house up by owner, with no help from him and sold it, close November 12. I put in an offer on a town home and still waiting to see if I got it. My daughters won't touch alcohol because of the hell my husband has put them through. (hes a good guy, with a horrible disease)
So it has taken me a long time to come to peace with my decision. I hope that you can take the time and get some help. Move slowly and educate yourself. SR is a wonderful place to vent as we have already been there.
I will put you in my prayers as I know EXACTLY what you are going through and you are not alone.
((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Buffalo, MN
Posts: 21
Wow Maia1234!
Yours does sound so much like my story! Thank you for praying for us. And thank you so much for sharing!! It's happened so quickly. If he were nice when he drinks I probably wouldn't be addressing it. So, I'm almost thankful he's not showing our daughter that drinking is fun. Is that crazy?!
I have been covering up for him hoping our daughter won't figure it out but she's getting too old now - she is beginning to ask why Daddy is acting this way or why he would do that. He has just gotten so much "more drunk" and "more mean" lately. It's like it's compounded exponentially.
This was his very FIRST attempt at sobriety. I'm not sure how things will play out. I'm approaching it prayerfully and one day at a time. I'm giving his friend a chance to try to reason with him. This weekend he will have to either show me a plan (ie apt with our doctor or reservations at a treatment center, visit to AA....something besides doing it himself) or he will have to go. He can't be drunk at home anymore though.
I know I'll catch hell for this too....but I have been somewhat of a hypocrite because generally, it's been easy to have a couple drinks with him in the evenings to keep the peace. So to him I'm sure he's thinking, "what the hell just happened to me?! She was fine with this before??" Except deep down he has to know that I wasn't because I've been begging him to get help for years.
Yours does sound so much like my story! Thank you for praying for us. And thank you so much for sharing!! It's happened so quickly. If he were nice when he drinks I probably wouldn't be addressing it. So, I'm almost thankful he's not showing our daughter that drinking is fun. Is that crazy?!
I have been covering up for him hoping our daughter won't figure it out but she's getting too old now - she is beginning to ask why Daddy is acting this way or why he would do that. He has just gotten so much "more drunk" and "more mean" lately. It's like it's compounded exponentially.
This was his very FIRST attempt at sobriety. I'm not sure how things will play out. I'm approaching it prayerfully and one day at a time. I'm giving his friend a chance to try to reason with him. This weekend he will have to either show me a plan (ie apt with our doctor or reservations at a treatment center, visit to AA....something besides doing it himself) or he will have to go. He can't be drunk at home anymore though.
I know I'll catch hell for this too....but I have been somewhat of a hypocrite because generally, it's been easy to have a couple drinks with him in the evenings to keep the peace. So to him I'm sure he's thinking, "what the hell just happened to me?! She was fine with this before??" Except deep down he has to know that I wasn't because I've been begging him to get help for years.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Hi TonsOFfaith,
Pretty name !!
If your looking for ways to help him and take care of yourself then browse the CRAFT method too. Ive been going this road for several months now and I like it a lot, its been helping me in a lot of different ways. Its part about taking care of myself, and the other part is about using the relationship I have built with my husband, the influence I have, different forms of communication and positive reinforcements to support and encourage his recovery. Some people are not familiar with it, so here are a couple of links that might help you. Smart recovery uses this method and they have meetings in larger cities, but also lots of online meetings and resources.
I think there is an online family meeting tomorrow afternoon if your interested.
Introduction to the Partner's Guide - The 20 Minute Guide
Family & Friends - An Alternative to Al-Anon and Intervention
Pretty name !!
If your looking for ways to help him and take care of yourself then browse the CRAFT method too. Ive been going this road for several months now and I like it a lot, its been helping me in a lot of different ways. Its part about taking care of myself, and the other part is about using the relationship I have built with my husband, the influence I have, different forms of communication and positive reinforcements to support and encourage his recovery. Some people are not familiar with it, so here are a couple of links that might help you. Smart recovery uses this method and they have meetings in larger cities, but also lots of online meetings and resources.
I think there is an online family meeting tomorrow afternoon if your interested.
Introduction to the Partner's Guide - The 20 Minute Guide
Family & Friends - An Alternative to Al-Anon and Intervention
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