Codi Cycle, No Forgiveness in Sight
 

One of the characteristics of Codis (and probably everyone who deals with an addict) is the spiraling of emotions and frustration that can lead to outbursts and actions that make us look even unhealthier than the A.

When this happens, how do you forgive yourself?

I don't know how to go about it right now. I have scheduled my first therapy lesson and went to both Al-Anon and AA today. I found a little peace but in the darkening night, my heart hurts for my loss of control. I am now more unhealthy than my exAbf. I didn't start this way, but even though my break happened two days ago, I still cannot see any real forgiveness for myself- not in the slightest. I haven't eaten since Sunday afternoon. I can't hardly sleep. This is worse than when we first broke up.

One thing I realized today is that the original break of the relationship was all on him. I could have walked away without remorse for my own actions. But my Codi tendencies are so strong that I kept engaging and through frustration and pain lashed out with brilliant anger. And now, I can take all the responsibility on and feel all that pain and remorse. I have been working for three months on being healthier and was doing so well. I get back with him for three days and spiral to a new low. Where to go from here?:a108:

I get back with him for three days and spiral to a new low.

you HAVE to get off the dope. he is your dope. your crack, heroin. so you STOP getting a hit. just like the addict, you cannot RECOVER if you are still USING.

now you breathe. slow deep breaths. it's going to be ok. just for now, today, you take care of you.....maslow's hierarchy and all that. you get some food in you. you hydrate. and you go to bed. you need rest. you bring your energy back down to a manageable level.

I, too, behaved like a crazy woman while breaking up with my last A boyfriend. I first had a "reasonable" break up with him, there was "talking it through," he returned. My behavior escalated and I was ashamed of myself. Like you, I felt I had hit a low in which my behavior was worse than his. He smirked at one point during my out-of-control-ness, and I knew that he felt satisfaction that I had sunk.

Now, two months later, I am starting to understand that I had to reach my bottom in that relationship. I had to sever that tie in that way. It got me back in recovery. The shame kept me in recovery. The realization that I had lost him FOR my ideals of what I wanted from life (cause I did love him, and it was a loss) kept me in recovery. And most importantly, he stayed gone.

I am sure that he told his friends that I was insane. I'm sure it blanketed his FB page. I don't know, because he cut me off the next morning.

I think that the self-preserving part of me, the part of me that loves me best, pushed my behavior that night. I think it was the only way that the relationship really would have ended. I was powerless to ask him to go; a few love words thrown at me carelessly would reel me right back in. The fierce animal of me saved me that night.

Where do you go from here? Forward, sister.

Give what happened the importance it deserves. It was a pivotal moment in your life. It may have been your bottom - on codependency, on alcohol. Don't waste all these feelings. Use them and become...

Anvil's got you covered. Every time you reengage, it gets worse. I know it. I had to deal with my ex recently for the first time in months, and everything resurfaced again.

The difference is -- it's fresh for you. For me, it's further back in the past. So the bouncing back from all the unhealthy codie stuff happens faster, and easier now. But some of it is still there.

Take care of yourself. Seriously. (((hugs)))

Thank you all. Anvil, you are right. As you all know, I have been looking to move. I ran into my neighbor today who is a realtor and he promised to help me tomorrow. The sooner the better. Heartcore- I thank you for your perspective. I never intend to put myself in a situation where I will act the way I did again, but I think you are right in that by behaving in this manner, I have severed that tie and he will not find it appealing to pull me back in with empty promises of love and commitment.

I can say this, after reflecting on the support here and getting a bite to eat, although I could "see" that the relationship was toxic and that his treatment of me was not how I define or want to be loved, I can look back on the incident and what led to it and perhaps now I have an "understanding" of what I only before could "see". Thank you.

Timeisky, I think that you need to remember we r not perfect people.. forgive yourself and start anew, just like an addict does. I always say that I did the best I could do at the time and move forward.. then slowly you will improve.
Stay strong!!

Timeiskey, I had terrible codie outbursts just before I detached and started taking care of myself. I told axbf he was a f-ing d- bag. I then went out for a drive and yelled as loud as I could all the pent up anger I had inside of me. My dashboard got an earful that day but I felt better. I think this is a turning point for you too. Keep taking care of you. I know it gets better with time. I don't give axbf that power anymore. When he acts like a jerk I simply walk away and get on with my peaceful life. Think of this time as you taking YOUR power back! :)

Anvil,I want to frame that post to read it when I need to hear just that!!