almost told myself it's no big deal.
 

The GAL comes Thursday evening for a home visit to meet dd.

I have typed up a calendar of "recent events" that involved xabf and his drug/alcohol use. I was reading through it and I started to tell myself it was silly, that no one will thing any of the things on there are a big deal. :headbange

Things on the list included him threatening to commit suicide when I left the first time, him buying pot with us in the car, and when he drove away with the gas pump still in his car (he had dd in the car, they were on their way home from the sitters).

Some of it may be silly that I included on there. But some of it definitely is not. So I put down everything I could remember, starting back to March when he was admitted over night for pancreatitis. I will make sure I don't miss anything again before Thursday.

I'm also going to print out the picture I took of one of his moonshine stills (he's taken it down since I left) and I have a picture from fb where someone was taking a picture of a tattoo on the back of his neck....while he is holding a bowl....it was at dd's 2nd birthday party. I've printed out the text screen shot where he tried to get me to sneak him beer into the hospital.

So am I being silly? I guess the best way to address it with the GAL on Thursday is to wait for him to ask why I won't let her see him unsupervised, and then offer up the material?

You are only being silly if you DON"T show her that stuff!

You have a picture of him smoking pot at her 2 year party????

No waiting on her bringing it up, hand her that stuff the minute she walks in the door.

You need to protect your child!

The picture is the back of his head, where he has a "cancer survivor" tattoo on his neck. But over his shoulder he's holding a bowl in his hand. I figured its worth sharing...

I think so. Did he actually have cancer? I know he manipulated you with that a few times. Is he truly considered a cancer survivor? Just curious and none of my business.

He did have cancer, when we started dating he still had the port in and didn't have his eyelashes or eyebrows back yet. I had considered the drinking excessively was to deal with that...but the cancer went away and the drinking didn't!

You are not being silly! I think you need to include when you picked up his bowl and your DD said to leave it alone, it's daddys!

The thing is, in court, you only get X mins of a judge's time. That is why they rely so much on the GAL's opinion. So now is your chance to say what you need to say.

XXX

Blossom.....living with these behaviors, over time...you became normalized to them.
And, I think we tend to be more accepting of the behaviors of those we idolize that we would in someone we didn't know well.

Yes, put everything you can think of. Better to put it in than to leave it out!

dandylion

So yesterday at dd's visit with exabf something ironic (to this post anyway) happened.

I had to tell him she is seeing GAL Thursday because that's when he is supposed to see her. I asked him if he had talked to the guy, I figured he would have. He said he did and that he also talked to his lawyer. Ready for the Quack?

....supposedly his lawyer told him that my showing any evidence I have of exabf's drug and alcohol abuse would look bad for both of us, and that I shouldn't show it for my benefit. Then he said he didn't want to have to be forced to show the GAL pictures he has of me. I asked him what kind of pictures those would be. He wouldn't tell me, of course. The only thing I could think of would be picture of me in my underwear or naked from when we were first dating. Which honestly doesn't worry me. That doesn't make me a bad parent. He could have pictures with me smoking a cigarette or something too but again, not illegal.

I told him I don't see how it would make me look bad, to show the information I have. He said it looks bad because I kept her in that situation. I looked at him dead on and said "that is why we left." He denied it and said it was because he refused to go to counseling...which I did ask him about the day before I left. But that's not why I left.
So I'm pretty sure he was quaking big time.

Wow.
"You're a bad mom because you stayed with me, because I am an addict and an alcoholic."
Yeah, that's pretty epic quacking right there. He knows he is screwed and is grasping at straws.

No, you're not being silly. Have the information handy when the GAL walks in, and give him/her a copy and refer to it often. Say, "I made this because there's so much it's hard to remember." It's true.

If anyone questions why you stayed, repeat that: "That's why we left."

Good on you. You can do this.

After I left my ex was obliged to come up with his own alternate reality scenario where I left because I got into a fight with his mom. He had to make it about anything but his alcoholism, which continues unabated, because protecting his disease is his #1 priority.
As a mom, your #1 priority is protecting your DD. The GAL will see that. Don't worry about his gas lighting and BS.

LOL...that's some big quacking he is doing there Blossom!

How do they all get this script? I mean, it's like there is some secret handshake treefort where these guys get together and learn the same irrational things. It's pretty weird, actually.

It gave me the shivers to read that, Blossom. I swear it was Deja vu.

Use any and all evidence, even if you think it's insignificant. If it comes to mind, consider that your Higher Power.

Don't forget that part of the reason you stayed so long was that you were afraid of him and what he would do if you left, and that you feared for your DD's safety if she was left alone in his care for visitation without another adult to supervise.

The straw grasping is pretty pathetic. Mine is to this day convinced that I left because I had been cheating on him for years. I believe addicts have to make up stories where they don't have responsibility because if they didn't, their addiction would be threatened. And that damn thing is like an alien that protects its own survival at any cost.

Good luck on Thursday.

Oh! Of course, lillamy.

Alien possession, not secret handshake treefort.

Sounds legit. :lmao

Thank you everyone. And thank you for reminding me of some of the things I have forgotten, or might have.

What I'm going to tell him, which is the truth, is that my reason for staying so long was 1) I feared for her safety with him alone, he had me convinced he would get full custody after all, and 2) I didn't realize that I had the power to leave until I started working on myself (alanon, church, books, forums, etc.), and 3) it got to the point that she was noticing his habits and was getting involved...like bringing him his bowl or lighter.