zbalz

Intro:
Hey all, I'm new. Let me introduce myself. I am a 19 yr old male who lives at college 9 out of 12 months of the year. I have a 25 yr old brother who is far away and a 20 yr old sister who lives at home. Most importantly, I have a 49 year old alcoholic father.

Problem
My father is an roller-coaster alcoholic over the past 5 years, ever since my mother passed away. Sometimes, more when he is occupied with jobs, he doesn't drink too much but it's still problem. When he loses jobs (now) or when I move away to college every fall he becomes a horribly deeply depressed alcoholic. He sits alone in his room, binge drinks and eats all night. He claims he's lonely, he lost his wife and job and thats why he drinks. He knows he has a problem but he won't put effort out to help himself. I work full time 8:30-6:30 and by the time I get home to help him, he is far too drunk to even get up or talk to. He is a danger to himself emotionally and physically. I actually fear that he may kill himself soon through how much alcohol he consumes.
I already had him go to a stay-in rehab center once and it didn't work well. I forced him to go to a few AA meetings and that obviously didn't work (he is a former-AA member when he was dry for about 6 years prior to mother's death).

I tried helping in ways I thought were correct. Keeping him company, talking to him, until I realized I was partially the standard 'rescuer' (http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/info2/a/aa980218.htm) by helping pay bills to keep the house. When I got frustrated, I became a 'provoker' (which my sister has always been) by yelling at him, and when sad with his health I become a 'martyr' by telling him how upset it makes me. I then tried 'the solution' by not even paying attention to his actions and the problems multiply. He doesn't seem to look for attention or care about the rest of the world, he just seems to want to slowly kill himself with alcohol and not have anyone else in the way. I was told by others that only he in the end can help himself when he wants to. I can only be there waiting until he is ready after he hits 'the bottom'. I've been waiting a while and I just watch him sink more and more.

Any suggestions?
-Should I just keep waiting until he is ready? What do I do in the meantime?
-Should I force him to AA meetings?
-Should I put him in a stay-in rehab facility?

My problem is that I am dependant on him financially, and he is dependant on me emotionally. I live under his household and he pays the bills, etc, because I make very little as a full-time student. He is unemployed, no benefits, etc. If I keep waiting, he makes no money and we all are in a financial rut and possibly lose the house. If I put him in a rehab facility, we don't reallly have money for him to stay in one. I understand there are outpatient facilities, but if he can't leave the couch then who's to say he'll drive 15 miles everyday for help?

I am just looking for suggestions. I fear for his life. I fear (selfishly?) for myself financially and emotionally.

One example is I plan on studying abroad in Australia next year but my main concern is worrying about how depressed he will be if I leave, plane ticket costs to get back if he passes away because of drinking, etc.

Fortunately for myself I currently have a few friends and my girlfriend to keep me happy. But I will always have deep worries for him.

Thanks guys, this seems like it is a great place and I hope to hang around often. I hope to become more active in general, with al-anon meetings around where I live.

-Tom

Lorelai

Welcome Tom !

As you've learned, there is nothing we can do or say or force upon our A's to make them stop drinking. Forcing him into rehab or AA won't do any good. Nothing will do any good unless he is ready to stop.

It is normal to feel sad about their situation but, by coming here and Alanon, you can learn to live your life without allowing his disease to consume your life too.

It sound like you've done a lot of research - knowledge is empowering. Keep coming back and posting and reading. I'm glad you're here.
L

Gabe

Hey Tom,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you found us.
As Lorelai said, you can't force your Dad to stop drinking.
He's only going to stop when he wants to.
I'm sorry that this is affecting you emotionally and financially.
Those are two very tough side effects of this disease.
Stick around, there are a lot of people here who understand what you're going through.
Gabe

paula a.

Tom~
My mother passed away four years ago, and you sound as if you are talking about my father. If he's working most days are good, if he's not he's busy drinking himself into a hole and most days are bad. I feel for you, it is heartbreaking to watch, and like you I have tried the begging, the screaming, and the crying which didn't make a bit of difference. Personally I have quit spending any time with my father after three in the afternoon. I call him every morning which is the time to catch him if you want to talk to him sober, I occasionally pick up groceries or loan him a little cash, and my sister and I clean his house about once a month. It is a difficult thing to let your father hit bottom on his own, but truthfully it is the only way it is going to happen and I know how scared you're feeling, but you can only be responsible for the things in life that are yours. Those things don't include his choice to drink or not, or his choice to work or not.
Have you looked into financial and housing assistance through school? If you haven't, please do, go to Austrailia with no regrets and let your father find his way. You are very young Tom, you should be out enjoying life and all it has to offer.
Feel free to pm me anytime if you need to vent, I'm always around...
Paula

zbalz

Im glad to have gotten answers from you guys.

I just talked to my radical sister the other day and she keeps claiming that we can't just wait around for him to hit bottom, and that he's been at the bottom for months. I've tried explaining that there is not much we can do to force him to stop. Like you all said, putting him in rehab and such won't change a thing.

I just worry that even though he know he has a problem, he never WANTS to change. Almost as if he WANTS the alcohol to kill him. I fear that my sister's words may someday be true. "If we don't DO anything about it (force anything) than he's going to drink himself to death." Does this happen often? Or do most finally reach bottom and seek help?

I talked to HIM last night, after he was already drinking of course. I tried to be more stern, not angry, than usual. Telling him options and such. He claims that he doesn't go to meetings because he doesn't think anyone will care and because we aren't there to go with him/support him. (in other words, blaming us for his continued drinking). I respond with that he needs to want to change himself..etc.

As far as the Australia situation. I do in fact recieve financial aid. I will probably end up taking out about $4000-$5000 extra that semester in loans but I am willing to do that. I am not so much worried about leaving him for a few months (because I already stay away at college) but rather him actually passing away (as bad as it may sound) and me wasting $5000 + an entire school semester coming back and going to funeral, settling bills, house closings, etc. I know it sounds weird but I get that gut feelin' and all.

Thanks again guys,

-Tom

Lorelai

(((Tom)))
I've learned a couple of things lately.

1. I can't plan my life around what "might happen". I have to go about my life and do what I want to do and dismiss all of the "what ifs". I've missed out on a lot of things because I was worried about what might happen. If you want to go to Australia, go. It will be a fantastic experience and one that you may never have the opportunity for again. If something happens to your dad, you will deal with it the best way you can and go on.

2. I can't tell my husband how to live his life. It is his life. Who am I to say that his way of living is wrong? It's his choice. If he wants to drink, he will drink. I know that his choices may lead to serious problems for him and even death. He knows that too. He runs his life. If he doesn't want to live his life, that's his choice too. I can love him and pray for him but ultimately, the most loving thing I can do is to show him that I believe he is capable of making his own decisions.

L

paula a.

Tom,
What could you DO to make him WANT to stop?

What if he does stop drinking before you go to Austrailia and you get over there and he gets hit by a bus?

My point is, that "what ifs" will get you nowhere but sitting at his side watching him go deeper. Sweetie, he could go on this way for twenty years, are you willing to give up that much of your life?

I have that same "gut feeling" everytime I walk away from my dad. The only thing I can do is tell him I love him before I go, as long as I've done that I'm okay with myself. We can't control the outcome in our own lives Tom, how can we control someone else's?
Paula

paula a.

Hi L~ We posted at the same time! Same thoughts, different words, funny huh??