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one step forward... two steps back

Old 10-07-2014, 09:40 AM
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one step forward... two steps back

AH got arrested on Friday night, for driving on a suspended license. Miraculously, he wasnít drinking, so he only had to stay in jail for four hours. He called me to come pick him up, and I said noÖ Then he called me a while later and said he got a ride, but could he be dropped off at the house. His apartment keys, wallet, and phone are in his truck which is impounded for thirty days. So I say ok (Yeah, I know, I know). But I knew he wasnít drinking, and without a truck or money, I figured we could at least get through the weekend without him drinking. And we did, and he spent last night with us too. And it has been really wonderful. Heís been trying really hard to do sweet things for me, and has been super patient with the kids. Like the normal days we used to have.

So now I feel more confused then ever. Last week while he was gone was heart breaking, but almost in a good way, because I knew it was the beginning of something better, and I knew it was for the best. I knew the pain would be temporary. It was hard, but I was dealing with it. And I had peace and quiet, and was starting to make plans with friends again.

But nowÖ he wants to come back. I told him I wanted him to stay gone and stay sober for at least three months. But then when he didnít argue with me about that, and went back to his apartment yesterday morning, I got angry, and I told him that if he was going to move out, then I didnít even want to talk about reconciliation. I just wanted to be done. And then I was irritated with myself, and wanted to call him and tell him I didnít mean it. But I didnít, which I was proud of myself for. But he ended up walking to my house last night anywayÖ and he was sober, so I let him stay.

I know I give him mixed messages and donít stick with my boundaries, which doesnít make anything better, and just makes me feel like Iím the crazy oneÖ but Iím just so conflicted. And seeing him sober for four whole days, which is longer than heís gone in I donít know how long, makes it even harder. Even though I have no reason to believe it will lastÖ. Or maybe it will. I donít know, just confused.

Thanks for listening
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Old 10-07-2014, 09:45 AM
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I know I give him mixed messages and don’t stick with my boundaries, which doesn’t make anything better, and just makes me feel like I’m the crazy one…
Remember: Just because the alcoholic is crazy doesn't mean you're sane. I found that out myself after I left AXH. Yes, he was crazy as a loon -- but I wasn't that far behind in craziness.

Yes, you are giving mixed messages. Which is just confusing for everyone. So the question is -- when he picks up drinking again, do you want him to be in your house or in his apartment? Because in my experience, alcoholics who simply stop drinking without working a program don't stay sober for long.
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Old 10-07-2014, 09:51 AM
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Kboys you may have had a nice sober weekend, but unless his wallet and keys are getting impounded every thirty days there isn't a single reason to think that is an indication of any long-term desire to be sober and present.
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Old 10-07-2014, 09:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Kboys View Post
I told him I wanted him to stay gone and stay sober for at least three months. But then when he didnít argue with me about that, and went back to his apartment yesterday morning, I got angry, and I told him that if he was going to move out, then I didnít even want to talk about reconciliation.
So you told him to stay gone and he left you got angry? That is mixed messages. Also, he HAD NO CHOICE but to be sober while at your place for 4 days... no money or transportation will do that to you. He's not in a program. He's not interested in getting help for his sickness.
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Old 10-07-2014, 09:53 AM
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Please remember Kboys, it cycles. Has he done this before? If you let it, it will continue to be same old, same old. Wash rinse repeat, I could go on with the analogies, but you get the point. Keep that in mind please. This isn't recovery.
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Old 10-07-2014, 09:58 AM
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[QUOTE=lillamy;4941755]Remember: Just because the alcoholic is crazy doesn't mean you're sane. I found that out myself after I left AXH. Yes, he was crazy as a loon -- but I wasn't that far behind in craziness.QUOTE]

Yeah, I'm realizing that too

I definitely don't want him at the house when he starts drinking again. That I know for sure, and that I will not blur my boundaries on. He is on probation and I will call the police if he's drinking again. I think he knows that and believes that. So I think that when he decides to drink again, he just won't come home. But do I want to have to keep dealing with the uncertainty of not really knowing, and wondering when he's just going to disappear again? No, I don't
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Old 10-07-2014, 10:02 AM
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you seem to be skipping over HOW this miraculous change all came about:

AH got arrested on Friday night, for driving on a suspended license

and upon release having no vehicle, wallet or keys, he asks to come to your place. he was therefore sort of at the mercy of your good graces and needed to be on his best behavior, because his options were otherwise limited.

curious, when he DID leave yesterday, AT YOUR REQUEST, to go to his apartment, how did he get in, if his keys were impounded? if he could get in yesterday, he COULD have got in after his release.

you are sending mixed messages. lots of them. come here, go away. and you are basing this newfound HOPE on seeing someone NOT DRINK for four whole days. after getting ARRESTED.
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Old 10-07-2014, 10:08 AM
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this is how that same man behaved less than TWO WEEKS ago:

though he showed up both nights very drunk and squeezed through the doggie door. THe second night he was very scary. He came up to our room and laid down with our babies and me, and went on for about 30 minutes about how horrible I am, what a bad mother, forgot all about him since we had kids, it's all my fault he drinks, blah blah blah (all I have heard before many times) But this time what was different is that he was making threats to kill me.

and he is or has been cheating on you with another woman.

so drunk he crawls thru a doggie door.
rants at you about what a horrid mother YOU are WITH the babies present, in the room.
threatens to KILL YOU.

sweetie, what are ya thinking? how would you respond if anybody else had virtually broke into your home, violated your space, demeaned and abused you and then threatened to kill you. would you be doing backflips if THAT person managed to appear sober for four days AFTER being arrested and having their truck and possessions impounded?????
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Old 10-07-2014, 10:16 AM
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He was able to get into his truck on Monday morning to get his belongings.
I know I'm not handling this well, I know I gave him mixed messages.
And yes, I know four days means nothing. He's not in a program.

Thank you for the reminders Anvilhead.

I know, I know you're all right, and I knew it before I wrote that, but it helps to hear it from you all, so thank you

This sucks
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Old 10-07-2014, 10:35 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
this is how that same man behaved less than TWO WEEKS ago:

though he showed up both nights very drunk and squeezed through the doggie door. THe second night he was very scary. He came up to our room and laid down with our babies and me, and went on for about 30 minutes about how horrible I am, what a bad mother, forgot all about him since we had kids, it's all my fault he drinks, blah blah blah (all I have heard before many times) But this time what was different is that he was making threats to kill me.

and he is or has been cheating on you with another woman.

so drunk he crawls thru a doggie door.
rants at you about what a horrid mother YOU are WITH the babies present, in the room.
threatens to KILL YOU.

sweetie, what are ya thinking? how would you respond if anybody else had virtually broke into your home, violated your space, demeaned and abused you and then threatened to kill you. would you be doing backflips if THAT person managed to appear sober for four days AFTER being arrested and having their truck and possessions impounded?????
I keep reading this over and over... and it's making me cry, and making me so angry with him and with myself.
It's so hard for me to not do that "splitting" thing. He's pretty nice to have around when he's not drinking, and it's so easy for me to forget all the bad stuff.
Thank you Anvilhead. Can you move in with me and remind me of this every day?
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Old 10-07-2014, 12:00 PM
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I get it honey, I truly do. Right now when I am around my X (which is pretty much every morning b/c he picks up my DD for school), and we attend the same church, etc., he seems normal. What I have to remember is that he is not normal and while he may seem it for a bit, that's all it is.

Stay strong in your boundaries. You made them to protect yourself and your children. Stop bending on that. He has treated you horribly.

I will also mention that when my X got off probation he immediately hit the bottle, hard. Probation is a babysitter in my opinion.

XXX
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