LightInside

Okay, so 4 weeks ago, my XA/Son's father said that he couldn't make his visit because he was sick and didn't want to give it to DS or the pro supervisor. The next weekend he had to go to jail for 3 days for his DUI (even though he'd already told me that in August, then said it got rescheduled). Two weeks ago, he had a 3 hour visit. On Tuesday last week, he sent me a text, saying that he was going "out of town" on all of his days off and would only be able to give me $100 of the $250 that he is supposed to give me at the beginning of the month. None of this lines up with our parenting plan and I'm pissed.

I think I've set aside the hurt that comes from thinking that he was probably of galavanting with a new woman, but I really want to call him on this BS. For a year he quacked about me jeopardizing his relationship with DS by going through the legal system, but as I was warned, here he is finding excuses to not see "his" son. Keep in mind that if he can't make a weekend visit, he is still able to do 2 hour visits during the week. He has only done a weeknight visit once since August.

I want to stand up for myself and DS, but I want to keep my side of the street clean. I really don't know how to communicate effectively with an A, even one who has 4 months sober. I want to say, "You made a legal agreement with me to pay $250 twice monthly. That is what I expect from you. If this happens again, I will modify the plan to go through Child Support Enforcement. Also, our legal contract says that you'll see DS twice a week, not 3 hours in a month's time. I understand that you may not have enough money for visits, but unless someone else paid for your trip out of town, your money is not going toward prioritizing DS - not in visitation and not in his care. You have opportunities for weeknight visits, but you have not planned any. Is this a money constraint?"

Furthermore, X's grandmother is coming into town this weekend. She is old and deteriorating, so we don't know how many more chances she'll have to visit. X's mom is asking me if she can supervise an intergenerational visit, but our plan says only professionally supervised visits right now. I guess I'm going to tell her to ask her son. He has his copy of our legal document.

I guess my real issue is that I don't like being "The Bitch" to X and his family. I don't like being blamed or disliked, but I'm learning to accept that. I'd rather they be p1ssed off than for me to be p1ssed on.

Know what else? I have given that MF my address at least 4 times since January and he still texted me today asking what my apt. # is. It's ON the parenting plan!!! He used to be so smart, but his short term memory is shot.

I predict that if I tell his mom to ask him about visitation, he'll ask me. If only he'd always ask me what's allowed! JK. If he does ask, I'll tell him to look at the parenting plan (and I'll try not to be smart when I tell him my address is on it too).

Constructive, compassionate feedback is appreciated. I am praying the Universe to grant me compassion for him and his family. Boundaries are still so new to me. I don't always know how to set them without letting my anger pop up.

Thank you for listening. I feel better already.

heartbrokenK

Right or wrong I would say hold him accountable. He agreed to the plan right?

LightInside

He sure did.

heartbrokenK

Then I would say he needs to be held accountable for the agreement that was made

hopeful4

I would expect him to miss more visits in the future. As far as the $ goes, if you have a child support agreement, tell him if he does not pay he is in contempt of court and you will have to notify the courts because this is HIS RESPONSIBILITY.

As far as his family, honestly, who cares. Blood is thicker than water. I would not deal with them either.

XXX

Thumper

Here are my thoughts.

1) Put everything in an email. Each time he asks a dumb question he should already know - send him the email with no additional comments. This worked so well for me.

2) Go through child support enforcement. I went that route for a short time and he quit and moved out of state but now he's back and I need to go that route again. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and also would 'forgive' a year of support for part of the time he was in treatment but I'm not sure that is an option with enforcement. Either way he can't be trusted to pay and the kids need/deserve that support so I'm gearing up to do it again. He'll flip but so be it. Just do it and be done with it - this is an issue that won't go away IME so spare yourself some agony and do it now.

3) Everyone's philosophy is different but I don't insist on visitation. In my personal circumstances I do not feel it is in the best interest of my kids to force it. I've accepted that I'm on my own. There is no co-parenting.

4) In-law visits. One in-law I would not want babysitting so that would be a no (he would never ask anyway). I trust my other in-laws fully and I'd allow visits with them (and have). Just follow your gut instincts on that one. Do what you feel is best for your children and don't worry about the adults.

LightInside

Yep, I agree with you there, cazzap. I limit my contact with ex's family now and don't really contact his dad by choice. The fact is, my son loves his grandparents and they love him. Grandmother will be supervising visits (as she was before the plan was finalized) as soon as X is 6 months past completing treatment, if he actually completes it and stays sober. I'm totally fine with grandma or auntie babysitting or supervising visits once we get to that phase, but don't want DS left alone with grandfather. I made sure that was specified in the parenting plan too.

I just told MIL that she can ask her son if she has questions re: visitation. Still haven't responded to X. I am unsure of whether I feel like getting on his case about visits. I'm actually kind of split. On one hand, I just want to let him determine his relationship with DS. On the other hand, I need a freakin' break sometimes. I have other people to help, but only X is morally obligated (according to MY values) to take care of DS (not that he takes care of him like I do). I was hoping to see him gradually improve that relationship and take more responsibility. Fortunately I was warned that he'd possibly drift away. My advocate at my IPV (intimate partner violence) support program said he was probably just trying to save face by following through with court. At least he cooks for DS each visit.

Who knew a narcissistic A would try to save face?

It's all good. I feel more confident after talking about this in my IPV group last night and getting feedback. Our facilitator said it sounds like I really do know what my boundaries are. She also recommended kind of a broken record response like Thumper suggested in her list. This was a technique we used in my self defense classes years ago. Maybe I need to go back.