How do I help my mother-in-law
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Huntington NY
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How do I help my mother-in-law
My mother-in-law is an alcoholic, or so I believe. However, no one else will admit it and I'm finding myself pushed into a corner trying to stand my ground in respect to allowing her to watch our one year old daughter. She had done some VERY drunk things in the past and hurt me exclusively, not to mention she drank when she was responsible for my daughter. My husband seems to think that she can control her drinking and have a glass of wine here and there and be fine. I do not believe this to be true and to make matters worse, we are currently living with them while we save for a house. I also grew up with an alcoholic father so everyone just equates my feelings to dealing with him. Two totally different situations. She's not a crazy person when she drinks, but is annoying and cannot stop drinking once she starts. I feel like having allowances for a glass here and there is only waiting for the other ball to drop and then what?! I get to be the one that says "told ya!". I don't want to be the policeman. I don't want to have to avoid her at family functions. I want her healthy. But I feel like I'm the only one. How do I do this?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
There is nothing you can do about her drinking or their denial, nothing.
What you can do is set a boundary that says no one who is watching your child can be drinking, if so, they cannot watch said child. Put it this way, if you want to a daycare and the person working was drinking a glass or two of wine, would that be acceptable?
Also, what happens in an emergency if said child would have to be taken to the doctor or hospital, she drives while she has been drinking. Unacceptable.
Just my .02 Good luck!
What you can do is set a boundary that says no one who is watching your child can be drinking, if so, they cannot watch said child. Put it this way, if you want to a daycare and the person working was drinking a glass or two of wine, would that be acceptable?
Also, what happens in an emergency if said child would have to be taken to the doctor or hospital, she drives while she has been drinking. Unacceptable.
Just my .02 Good luck!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Hopeful's got you covered.
I have to tell you that the thought of living with an alcoholic MIL makes my skin crawl. It's not just affecting you, it's also affecting your daughter. How important is this "saving for a house" for you?
I'm not sure you can convince any of the other family members that it's a problem either -- usually that insight has to come from within -- but you can educate yourself on alcoholism and its effects, either here (lots of good information in the stickies on top of the page) or at Al-Anon. Because if you're truly stuck in this situation, it could be good for you to understand the consequences for you and your daughter.
I have to tell you that the thought of living with an alcoholic MIL makes my skin crawl. It's not just affecting you, it's also affecting your daughter. How important is this "saving for a house" for you?
I'm not sure you can convince any of the other family members that it's a problem either -- usually that insight has to come from within -- but you can educate yourself on alcoholism and its effects, either here (lots of good information in the stickies on top of the page) or at Al-Anon. Because if you're truly stuck in this situation, it could be good for you to understand the consequences for you and your daughter.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 20
Get out, it's not worth it for your family to stay there. And don't leave her alone with your daughter - ever, no matter how much she may persist and beg. Not only could she end up hurting your daughter, but YOU could actually end up experiencing the repercussions because you knowingly left your child with someone who wasn't safe to watch her. And you are absolutely correct that an alcoholic can't "just have a drink every now and then". They can't have any. Ever.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Mothers know best. Do what you feel is right for you and your daughter. No one should question you.
She drinks, fast and furious and she babysits. If that is not a dangerous combination I don't know what is. If you don't like being around her when she is drinking, I bet your daughter doesn't either. Good luck Me3.
She drinks, fast and furious and she babysits. If that is not a dangerous combination I don't know what is. If you don't like being around her when she is drinking, I bet your daughter doesn't either. Good luck Me3.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: texas
Posts: 43
You could be me, almost exact same story. So much so I feel like someone posted this on here as a set up to me. Lol. Anyway, 1. Move out. Do not tie yourself financially to this situation 2. No baby sitting or alone time...ever. May seem extreme but reality is you know she has a problem with drinking. Until she has a solid amount of recovery under her belt you flat out can't trust her. My hubby supports me and sees the impact of the history of drinking. 3. Get to al anon, no one can live in that chaos. It's heart breaking. 4. If you can't talk to your husband about his moms drinking than find someone who will. Educate yourself about the baffling nature of this disease. It is progressive, it will only get worse. Set boundaries that you won't break from, you are your child's voice. He/she cannot talk, they know something isn't right, and the lessons they are learning are to accept chaos one minute and astonishingly 'normal' behavior the next. In other words, to hide and lie. That's the nature of the disease. It makes you and even others believe there isn't a problem at all. No matter what any talking to her about this needs to come from your hubby. If he doesn't support this, last resort is you
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
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I admire your concern for her but no one else sees a problem, if at least one other person was agreeing with you, even slightly, it might change things.
How much is she actually drinking that you have observed, are we talking 2-3 glasses, 2 bottles, a gallon?
if you have suspicions you'll need something more than "gut feeling " to convince the rest of the family.
Are there any "unaccounted for" bottles in the trash next morning. Is she getting really tipsy drunk when she only appears to have had one or two glasses (sneaking drinks)
You know how I know she isn't as bad as you think?
Alcoholics hide their drinking and will never invite long term house guests. Never.
The very thought of long term house guests for any alcoholic fills them with dread.
I think just calm down, observe more, if she would be deemed unfit to drive, then you can at least say, unfit to babysit.
But I think you may be over playing this a bit.
How much is she actually drinking that you have observed, are we talking 2-3 glasses, 2 bottles, a gallon?
if you have suspicions you'll need something more than "gut feeling " to convince the rest of the family.
Are there any "unaccounted for" bottles in the trash next morning. Is she getting really tipsy drunk when she only appears to have had one or two glasses (sneaking drinks)
You know how I know she isn't as bad as you think?
Alcoholics hide their drinking and will never invite long term house guests. Never.
The very thought of long term house guests for any alcoholic fills them with dread.
I think just calm down, observe more, if she would be deemed unfit to drive, then you can at least say, unfit to babysit.
But I think you may be over playing this a bit.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: texas
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Hawks, I disagree on the no long term house guests thing. My mother in law wouldn't have long term guests, ever. But this isn't true across the board. Especially if it's a temporary arrangement. I believe my mother in law hides drinks as well, and evidenced is tossed the next day.
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Well your experience backs my statement and if you know of any active alcoholic who willingly took in long term house guests then post your experience on that.
Not only is the active alcoholic not fond of long term house guests, but their husbands or wives are usually against it too.
They are equally as ashamed as the actual alcoholic.
Does the MIL have any other indicating factors?
DUI's, marriage hanging by a thread, repeated job loss or changes, string of failed recovery attempts?
This MIL is either the cleverest alcoholic who ever lived ie: she has lived to be a grandmother and not one person who has known her all or most of her life, suspects anything is up
Or, she isn't an alcoholic and just drinks a bit much for her own good.
Not only is the active alcoholic not fond of long term house guests, but their husbands or wives are usually against it too.
They are equally as ashamed as the actual alcoholic.
Does the MIL have any other indicating factors?
DUI's, marriage hanging by a thread, repeated job loss or changes, string of failed recovery attempts?
This MIL is either the cleverest alcoholic who ever lived ie: she has lived to be a grandmother and not one person who has known her all or most of her life, suspects anything is up
Or, she isn't an alcoholic and just drinks a bit much for her own good.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Hawks 
Well your experience backs my statement and if you know of any active alcoholic who willingly took in long term house guests then post your experience on that.
Not only is the active alcoholic not fond of long term house guests, but their husbands or wives are usually against it too.
They are equally as ashamed as the actual alcoholic.
Does the MIL have any other indicating factors?
DUI's, marriage hanging by a thread, repeated job loss or changes, string of failed recovery attempts?
This MIL is either the cleverest alcoholic who ever lived ie: she has lived to be a grandmother and not one person who has known her all or most of her life, suspects anything is up
Or, she isn't an alcoholic and just drinks a bit much for her own good.
Not only is the active alcoholic not fond of long term house guests, but their husbands or wives are usually against it too.
They are equally as ashamed as the actual alcoholic.
Does the MIL have any other indicating factors?
DUI's, marriage hanging by a thread, repeated job loss or changes, string of failed recovery attempts?
This MIL is either the cleverest alcoholic who ever lived ie: she has lived to be a grandmother and not one person who has known her all or most of her life, suspects anything is up
Or, she isn't an alcoholic and just drinks a bit much for her own good.
Ehhhh, I think it's possible. Housewife who drinks at home, husband always drives and is a codependent super enabler who is either totally in denial or hoping for family help to take care of the Mrs.
It's unacceptable for someone to be drunk /drinking too much and watching a small child, whatever one wants to label it. I think it's telling that the OP tried to set a boundary of "no drinking and babysitting" which for most people is a no brainer anyway, and was met with resistance.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Hawk, does it really matter if she is named? No.
She drinks too much, can't stop when she starts - and she babysits. No.
AAMOF, "Can't stop when she starts" pretty much is the definition.
It doesn't matter the name. If the lady doesn't want to leave her one year old with the MIL, she doesn't even need a reason. Drinking at all is a very good reason.
She drinks too much, can't stop when she starts - and she babysits. No.
AAMOF, "Can't stop when she starts" pretty much is the definition.
It doesn't matter the name. If the lady doesn't want to leave her one year old with the MIL, she doesn't even need a reason. Drinking at all is a very good reason.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Seems a few of you missed this in post #8
"if she would be deemed unfit to drive, then you can at least say, unfit to babysit"
I'm a father of 4, I'm not condoning anyone tying one on whilst babysitting.
But I know people who have 3 or 4 drinks every or most nights of the week, one after work, one with dinner & one or two watching TV.... would I leave my children with these stable people who use alcohol safely ?
Absolutely
Do they have a slight personality change when they drink ?
Absolutely
Does it mean my children are in any danger what so ever ?
No
Some of the responses above seem to be have written in response to the OP saying something like ....
"OMG, I think my MIL is Lindsay Lohan & Charlie Sheen morphed into the body of a grandmother and she wants to babysit my one year old ... OMG OMG OMG"
At the end of the day, is it the OP's choice .... absolutely, but she did ask for input.
Mine is above in a few different posts.
I know when I'm swimming against the tide, I'll leave you all to it
"if she would be deemed unfit to drive, then you can at least say, unfit to babysit"
I'm a father of 4, I'm not condoning anyone tying one on whilst babysitting.
But I know people who have 3 or 4 drinks every or most nights of the week, one after work, one with dinner & one or two watching TV.... would I leave my children with these stable people who use alcohol safely ?
Absolutely
Do they have a slight personality change when they drink ?
Absolutely
Does it mean my children are in any danger what so ever ?
No
Some of the responses above seem to be have written in response to the OP saying something like ....
"OMG, I think my MIL is Lindsay Lohan & Charlie Sheen morphed into the body of a grandmother and she wants to babysit my one year old ... OMG OMG OMG"
At the end of the day, is it the OP's choice .... absolutely, but she did ask for input.
Mine is above in a few different posts.
I know when I'm swimming against the tide, I'll leave you all to it
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: texas
Posts: 43
What does your gut say? As a mom. That is what you listen to, many people regret not listening to this mainly out of fear or wanting to please their children or others. It doesn't mean no contact just know what your dealing with. Also know yourself, your own history. But your kids are number one. Hawk, I know of several people who have let their children and families live with them as they are active addicts, drinking every night etc. this is the depth of denial and selfishness of the disease.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I personally hold family to the same standards that I hold hired babysitters to. If I came home and found out that my sitter had a glass of wine while watching my kids, I would be LIVID and never use her to sit again. Same goes for family. Why? Because accidents do happen, especially with curious young children, and a sober adult needs to be on hand at all times.
My best friends mom is an addict. I once saw her mom give a 2 year old red wine, not a sip but repeatedly offered it to her. To my shocked disapproving reaction she said "what? It's just wine. It's more natural than soda."
My best friends mom is an addict. I once saw her mom give a 2 year old red wine, not a sip but repeatedly offered it to her. To my shocked disapproving reaction she said "what? It's just wine. It's more natural than soda."
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