Yurt

I spent an hour talking to my STBXAH on the phone yesterday, to discuss our upcoming appointment with a paralegal. I couldn't help but think that if he had been this reasonable last year at this time, we wouldn't be in this position. It seemed a bit surreal, as just last week, he was his usual nasty self. During our conversation last night, he kept saying things like. "Well, this is your decision, and I don't want to stand in your way." or "If this is what you really want, I will go along with it." Then there would be a vacant pause, as if he expected a response from me that would indicate that I had changed my mind. I didn't answer the prompts, I just kept on with my agenda.

Often, I feel the need to revisit my old posts on SR or my diary in order to remind myself of the reasons why I am taking these steps. Especially, when AH is acting like a normal human. This time, I was confident with my choices and did not even engage with his tactics. I may still have to remind myself from time to time before this is finished, but I think that I am making progress.

ResignedToWait

Both of those statements are just him taking no responsibility for any of what's going on. Not much has changed, has it?

stella27

You didn't imagine it, Yurt. And writing it down - and finding the proof that nothing was changing year after year - EXACT SAME dynamic - was a very helpful tool in ending the dead-end life I was in.

Eyes forward, hon.

lillamy

Remember that if he can go from nasty to reasonable in a week, he can go the other way just as fast (probably faster).

FireSprite

I agree - these statements sound very passively manipulative & kinda like silent blameshifting to me & would have me on guard... like he's shifting to the "victim" role for a bit here.

I think you are doing wonderfully Yurt; it has taken a LOT OF GUTS to get to where you are right now.

You've made some hard decisions for you ...NOT against him, no matter how he *prefers* to view it. It sounds to me like he needs this split to be your fault because he still isn't owning any of the behaviors over the years that it took for you to get to this point.

maia1234

Good for you, you didnt get sucked in. (as I always seem to do) So proud that you reached out to SR and got support.

I am 23 days away from my divorce after 34 years together (26 married). We sold our house, close on the 12 of November. Just put an offer on a little town home and waiting for a counter bid. It seems surreal but almost a little excited. I am not sure what I will do with all my free time. Dont feel the urge to stalk his fb anymore. I have never not worried about him, so not sure how my life will go.

Proud of you Yurt, Keep up the GOOD WORK!! You give us all HOPE ((((( hugs))))))

Rosiepetal

Good for you Yurt, that is progress & the power is all yours.

lizatola

My AH and I had a decent conversation like that recently, and he said exactly what yours did. He kept saying, "this is what you want, right? I don't want to split up, etc etc". Yet, just a week before that conversation he told me he wanted a woman to hold him and to touch him and to support him and that he didn't want to live like his parents.

In effect he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. Ht doesn't want a messy divorce so it's easier to make me be the bad guy even when it's obvious to both of us that we can't meet each other's needs anymore.

I gave up caring where the blame lies. I'm ready to start a new life like you are! You are doing great, Yurt.

As a side note; I'll be passing through your town on Thursday night!!

Yurt

Hey! Two exits. It's a metropolis.

lizatola

Lol!! I'm driving to Las Vegas so I"ll wave at you when we stop for gas!

YolaniH

Thanks for this post. I really needed it tonight. I hate when everything seems "normal" again but we all know it isn't. The miracle recovery will last a couple of days and then bam, it's like hitting a stone wall all over again.