BPD Borderline Personality Disorder
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
jarp, I know exactly what you mean. I really don't know if it was easier for me to find out afterwards or not. I think you have it harder then me, but you have something to reference to. On the BPD forum they talk about dealing with techniques, look at some of those. If you do post there you post in the beginner section, they kind of tell you which forum part you should post in. I was already the "left or leaving" part.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Originally Posted by amy55 
I should have just gotten over it and celebrated his return.
Same exact cycle for me.
Anyone else here that spent hours and hour and days and months and years and years trying to figure things out to make their marriage work?
Yes. That was my life, too
Yet nothing matters, because when they are good you can't bring up the past because you are now starting to try to start a fight and it is all you.
This is what I was told constantly!
Ever walk away from a fight and feel like they finally understood? but they didn't.
[B]All the time...he finally heard me! Oh- nevermind
[/
Ever want to keep a journal to check your own sanity as to what you said and they said?
[B]Yes. I thought about turning my house into the Nixon Whitehouse.
I guess I don't expect many responses to this. This board is about alcoholism. Perhaps some think that if the drinking stops all of the above will stop.
Perhaps, I am just still in my PTSD and should stay off of here for a while.
No! We'd miss you!
I don't know. I don't know reality anymore. I'm just seeing a lot of crazy sh1t on the board right now about abuse, silent treatments, people running away from obligations. Perhaps it's just me.
Same exact cycle for me.
Anyone else here that spent hours and hour and days and months and years and years trying to figure things out to make their marriage work?
Yes. That was my life, too
Yet nothing matters, because when they are good you can't bring up the past because you are now starting to try to start a fight and it is all you.
This is what I was told constantly!
Ever walk away from a fight and feel like they finally understood? but they didn't.
[B]All the time...he finally heard me! Oh- nevermind
[/Ever want to keep a journal to check your own sanity as to what you said and they said?
[B]Yes. I thought about turning my house into the Nixon Whitehouse.
I guess I don't expect many responses to this. This board is about alcoholism. Perhaps some think that if the drinking stops all of the above will stop.
Perhaps, I am just still in my PTSD and should stay off of here for a while.
No! We'd miss you!
I don't know. I don't know reality anymore. I'm just seeing a lot of crazy sh1t on the board right now about abuse, silent treatments, people running away from obligations. Perhaps it's just me.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by jarp
I have spent hours readi g BPDFamily as well...but haven't posted bc I'm not sure where I fit...but reading is very helpful.
Yeah, I liked them best for the information content, too.
I did not really fit the whole "Staying / Dunno / Leaving" dogma model, either.
And when you get further into their methods, Chip (the site operator) is not too keen on the various 12 Step / AA / Alanon models for dealing with Dual-Diagnosis type Alcohol+BPD.
Oh well. Just have to take what you can use and leave the rest. Heard that somewhere.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Originally Posted by Hammer
Yeah, I liked them best for the information content, too.
I did not really fit the whole "Staying / Dunno / Leaving" dogma model, either.
And when you get further into their methods, Chip (the site operator) is not too keen on the various 12 Step / AA / Alanon models for dealing with Dual-Diagnosis type Alcohol+BPD.
Oh well. Just have to take what you can use and leave the rest. Heard that somewhere.
I did not really fit the whole "Staying / Dunno / Leaving" dogma model, either.
And when you get further into their methods, Chip (the site operator) is not too keen on the various 12 Step / AA / Alanon models for dealing with Dual-Diagnosis type Alcohol+BPD.
Oh well. Just have to take what you can use and leave the rest. Heard that somewhere.
This was confirmed by AH's psych who diagnosed AH 7 yeas ago - he said he doesnt psuh the AA - 21 step type model with BPD's as they typically dont respond well. Something to do with success in AA rests on being able to access empathy (not sympathy) and BPD'ers dont have enough copmpetency in this area to do this. Nor taking responsibility - that BPD'ers dont move past the first few steps as they are UNABLE, and it sets themm upf or failure....or something like that...
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by jarp
That's interesting - I have ralso ead that BPD and 12 step models aren't so recommended.
This was confirmed by AH's psych who diagnosed AH 7 yeas ago - he said he doesnt psuh the AA - 21 step type model with BPD's as they typically dont respond well. Something to do with success in AA rests on being able to access empathy (not sympathy) and BPD'ers dont have enough copmpetency in this area to do this. Nor taking responsibility - that BPD'ers dont move past the first few steps as they are UNABLE, and it sets themm upf or failure....or something like that...
This was confirmed by AH's psych who diagnosed AH 7 yeas ago - he said he doesnt psuh the AA - 21 step type model with BPD's as they typically dont respond well. Something to do with success in AA rests on being able to access empathy (not sympathy) and BPD'ers dont have enough copmpetency in this area to do this. Nor taking responsibility - that BPD'ers dont move past the first few steps as they are UNABLE, and it sets themm upf or failure....or something like that...
Dunno on the empathy, sympathy . . . On the hardware (actual real inherited developmental brain hardware) side of things, I see it more as a matter of what hardware biological system is not working right.
And at this point, for Borderline, the Hardware issues are pretty well known. The Amygdala (a Limbic, or Emotional part of the Brain) is often observed to be reduced in size (compared to normal) and the region around tends to operate in a Hyperactive State, which happens when they are having Emotional Dysregulation. So their Emotion state goes berserk (how is that for a non-clinical term?) and they cannot calm it back down.
THAT is "why" the Alcohol (and other addicitons) are sought to Calm their Mind.
The Emotional Hyperactivity leads to Emotional States they cannot bear and often to an inability to deal with things truthfully.
So after covering the Hardware . . . . NOW is when you can Step over to the 12 Steps. Look at the Lead paragraph in the AA Big Book, copied below to Chapter 5 -- How It Works -- That is the Chapter that covers the Steps. Says VERY Clearly it requires -- Honesty, Honesty, Honesty. Even works on Mental Illness and Emotional Problems . . . . but requires Honesty.
AA Chapter 5 How it works | AA | How it works|
=====================
How it works
RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
======================
BUT . . . . Exactly NONE of that is about us.
The 12 Steps Work can work great on US . . . if we choose to.
Remember . . . Recovery for the NON (us) is NOT about Them, Them, Them.
It is about US.
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