Catherine90

Hi again to everybody. I haven't been on here in a while, not to say anything in my life has changed. Well apart from gotten 10 times worse really. I have a husband who has an alcohol problem, I don't know what defines an alcoholic but he drinks for days on end, gets violent and very depressed. I should also mention he has been using cocaine too recently. We have 2 gorgeous young boys and although I'm ashamed to admit it I am struggling to focus on anything other than my husband and when his next episode will be therefor I 100% am not being the best mother at the moment.. He is working somewhere at the moment where it's as easy as buying a paper to get drugs. Don't get me wrong he can go a few weeks without touching a drop but oh boy when he does all hell breaks loose. He gets very violent and angry at the whole world so it will come as no surprise I'm sure when I say he has been lifted by the police on numerous occasions over the past year. I'd say it's gotten worse since our youngest son was born last October, don't get me wrong he is a terrific father when he is around it just hurts me so much when he does his disappearing act the kids love their dad so much and my eldest is 4 and is starting to notice things which breaks my heart. I love this man to bits but something inside me has started to change I won't have him in the house if he is on one of his binges, I suppose maybe now I have the 2 young kiddies to be running around after there isn't as much time to sit and willow. Saying that I hardly ever go out anymore, I get anxious when he is at work I get anxious whenever he leaves the house without me as 8 times out of 10 he won't be back for another few days. I really don't know what to do my family are supportive but I feel they get fed up hearing the same old crap from me only for me to stay with him so I don't really speak to anybody about this. Please, if anybody is or has been in a similarity situation to me I'm so grateful for any advice as I am at my wits end.

Bamawife

I do not have any advice to give you at this moment but am offering big hugs!!

allysen

My son was also 4 when I decided to leave. Disappearing acts, alcohol, drugs, binges, etc. were also familiar to me. It's not normal! Even your 4-year-old is realizing that. Yes, my son still loves his dad - he always will - but that doesn't mean he should be forced to endure or tolerate his dad. I couldn't change my ex, but I was able to put physical separation in place for the sake of my kids. They don't deserve to live in chaos when I have the ability to change it. Their dad's alcoholism still affects them and it always will in one way or another. But at least now they don't have to look it in the face on a daily basis. They now live in a peaceful home instead of a fearful one. They now see appropriate coping skills in the home instead of self-destruction. I'm glad I left when I did (son was 4, daughter was 6months) because I think it would be even harder if the kids were older. And who knows what they might have seen or experienced had we stayed any longer.

Catherine90

Allysen, thanks so much for this. Well low and behold he never came home from work last night and I haven't spoken to him today although I know that he is drinking as he never made his work this morning. At the moment I feel strong and confident that the best thing is for him to find somewhere else to stay for he time being. And hearing from somebody who has been in a similar situation to me and how you put your children first it has made me even more determined to stick to my guns his time. I don't want any trouble with him, I love this man so much but I know myself that it's just not enough when his behaviour is affecting every aspect of my life most importantly my ability to be the best mother I can be. Right now he is at his mothers, who herself is a recovering alcoholic I feel like she will never say anything to him as she put their family through a lot and he didn't have e best childhood due to her alcoholism, therefor he can hide away in there for days being waited on hand and foot by her. It infuriates me. Anyway, my goal is simply to make it through today without phoning, texting or crying over this man. I know now that if I take him back once it's all over I can be guaranteed within 1/2 weeks another binge will come. I'm going to start doing things for me and he kids I'm not sitting curled up on the couch all day anymore. That's a promise! This site is a god sent. Thanks again for your reply x

ResignedToWait

Being a good father isn't something that you are at some times, and not at others.

What I mean is...you can't consider him a "good father" while he's there, and then ignore the times he's a bad father. He's either a good father or he's not. Fatherhood is a 24/7 title, not a "when he's here" thing.

Don't make excuses for him, and hold him to the standard that he should be held to!

Catherine90

I understand what you are saying, and perhaps that's why I feel like enough is enough now. Like I previously mentioned our 4 year old has started to ask questions when his daddy isn't here for days on end. It's heartbreaking to know how fast he is growing up and how already he can sense when things aren't right. Imagine if I decided to up and leave my children for days on end all the time. It frustrates me that to so many who don't know what I live with think its acceptable for him to do as he does. I will post again tonight, let you know how things are. One things for sure though, he won't be back here I promise that for the sake of my gorgeous boys. X

AnvilheadII

children in an alcoholic are more deeply affected than we can really imagine...unless of course we've lived it ourselves. the four year old is already verbalizing the strain and unrest. the one year old feels it too....you are doing the VERY BEST THING by putting your focus on them!!!!

a raging binge alcoholic who also does coke is BAD NEWS. really really bad news.