I can't cope anymore
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I can't cope anymore
Every time I think I've hit my rock bottom emotionally and I come through it I always seem to fall further within a few days. I have no motivation, no interest in anything and I constantly think about him and what he's doing.
I am stuck in a rut, my life revolves around work, cleaning, washing and making sure I'm here for the kids. I get home from work at 6ish if I'm lucky then it's dinner, lunches and then I'm ready to collapse at 9pm then I'm off to bed. The weekend is cleaning and catching up on all the washing
I feel guilty if im not at home even though the kids are older and do their own thing I feel I need to be here, he's walked out I need to make sure they know I'm still here.
He is on my mind constantly and the hurt he has caused, the lies and manipulation I carry it around and think about it all the time. I have been crying a lot recently and honestly don't feel I can cope anymore with it all, actually I know I can't cope with anymore!!
I am struggling and it angers me that he has walked away from any responsibilities and does what he wants. The thought of him going on a boys holiday having fun really hurts me. I've been told alcoholics are miserable he doesn't seem miserable, holidays, weekends doing what he wants socialising as though he hasn't destroyed mine and the kids world. He certainly, doesn't seem miserable!!!! I know they drown out all feelings and emotions so they don't have to deal with what's going on in life but as far as I know he's still forcing himself to not drink during the week but binges at the weekends!!
Sorry I know this seems like a selfish rant.
I feel as though this will be my life struggling to cope with the hurt he has caused and just functioning trying to get through each day. I can't take anymore I just want it all over😢
I am stuck in a rut, my life revolves around work, cleaning, washing and making sure I'm here for the kids. I get home from work at 6ish if I'm lucky then it's dinner, lunches and then I'm ready to collapse at 9pm then I'm off to bed. The weekend is cleaning and catching up on all the washing
I feel guilty if im not at home even though the kids are older and do their own thing I feel I need to be here, he's walked out I need to make sure they know I'm still here.
He is on my mind constantly and the hurt he has caused, the lies and manipulation I carry it around and think about it all the time. I have been crying a lot recently and honestly don't feel I can cope anymore with it all, actually I know I can't cope with anymore!!
I am struggling and it angers me that he has walked away from any responsibilities and does what he wants. The thought of him going on a boys holiday having fun really hurts me. I've been told alcoholics are miserable he doesn't seem miserable, holidays, weekends doing what he wants socialising as though he hasn't destroyed mine and the kids world. He certainly, doesn't seem miserable!!!! I know they drown out all feelings and emotions so they don't have to deal with what's going on in life but as far as I know he's still forcing himself to not drink during the week but binges at the weekends!!
Sorry I know this seems like a selfish rant.
I feel as though this will be my life struggling to cope with the hurt he has caused and just functioning trying to get through each day. I can't take anymore I just want it all over😢
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
how old ARE the still at home kids? and do THEY help out at home?
I don't know if this helps, but my life is pretty much about work, grocery shopping, lunches, laundry, housework, etc too. and I don't have any kids at home! you did those things when your AH was there, it just SEEMS like a bigger burden because of your focus on the void he left.
but let's think about it. how big of a void did he leave? did he share in the day to day tasks? did he fully participate in home life? did he really make anything any easier? did he really DESTROY anything by leaving...? you still have your home, your belongings, your children, your job, your SELF.
he's a sh!t head. screw him. he ain't got nothing on you babe. not one thing.
I don't know if this helps, but my life is pretty much about work, grocery shopping, lunches, laundry, housework, etc too. and I don't have any kids at home! you did those things when your AH was there, it just SEEMS like a bigger burden because of your focus on the void he left.
but let's think about it. how big of a void did he leave? did he share in the day to day tasks? did he fully participate in home life? did he really make anything any easier? did he really DESTROY anything by leaving...? you still have your home, your belongings, your children, your job, your SELF.
he's a sh!t head. screw him. he ain't got nothing on you babe. not one thing.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Anvil I read your post and started crying again until I read your last line and I burst out laughing.
Yes I am focusing on him a lot and no he didn't help everything I'm doing now on my own I did when he was at home the only thing was if I had to work late he would have sorted dinner and the DIY!! But at least I wasn't on my own and he was there when I was having a bad day and snuggle up to at night. My life is exactly how it was then, mundane but no anxiety, no drinking, no worry if I did go out with friends that he'd be drunk but I miss the man who could be loving and thoughtful. I just don't know what was real in our marriage or was it manipulation!!
The kids do help out with things round the house especially my daughter and they older don't need me to do as much for them but I want them to know I'm still here for them.
Yes I am focusing on him a lot and no he didn't help everything I'm doing now on my own I did when he was at home the only thing was if I had to work late he would have sorted dinner and the DIY!! But at least I wasn't on my own and he was there when I was having a bad day and snuggle up to at night. My life is exactly how it was then, mundane but no anxiety, no drinking, no worry if I did go out with friends that he'd be drunk but I miss the man who could be loving and thoughtful. I just don't know what was real in our marriage or was it manipulation!!
The kids do help out with things round the house especially my daughter and they older don't need me to do as much for them but I want them to know I'm still here for them.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm sure they know you are there for them....it would be perfectly ok to have a talk about how some of the dynamics have changed in the house and how you are trying hard to balance between work and home. make sure to set aside "time" to be present - even if it means that last load of wash doesn't get in the dryer. have popcorn/movie night. or pancakes still in our pj's sunday morning breakfast.
i'm glad you let yourself laugh. a sense of humor is KEY to survival!
i'm glad you let yourself laugh. a sense of humor is KEY to survival!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
got yer back, babe! 
by the way, I've been on a cleaning spree today....treated myself to a new cleaning product (my big impulse buy - it's either that or a new candle) - pledge multi surface....so i'm checking out ALL the purported surfaces, with my FlyLady purple rags. ahhhhh, this is living! LOL
by the way, I've been on a cleaning spree today....treated myself to a new cleaning product (my big impulse buy - it's either that or a new candle) - pledge multi surface....so i'm checking out ALL the purported surfaces, with my FlyLady purple rags. ahhhhh, this is living! LOL
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Me too! I wanna buy a candle! (Though I didn't quite have the cleaning spree to justify it.)
Ok Butterfly, this is how I get through those "I-can't-handle-it-anymore-blues":
I remember the incessant crying of my baby girl when she was about six weeks old... I was a new mother in a town where I didn't know anyone, alone with a baby that never stopped crying. She wanted me to hold her constantly. Only me. Nooooooooooobody else. I never slept. My body leaked from every orafice. It was summer, it was Tennessee, and it was humid. My beautiful pregnancy hair was beginning to fall out and stick to my body. My boobs itched. I started to forget what slept felt like.
I honestly thought my life was going to be like that forever.
Then one day, as I was packing away the clothes she had grown out of, I realized it wasn't that way anymore. It hadn't been for a few months. She had grown out of that stage an on to the next one.
We have to get through one stage before we can move on to the next. That's the big difference between you and your husband. You feel honest emotions, and that's healthy. This may not be the right time to be joyous and happy. In the long run you're going to reap your rewards.
I think you are right, however, to not ignore these emotions. This time sucks. Treat yourself well, and know that there are people looking out for you.
Ok Butterfly, this is how I get through those "I-can't-handle-it-anymore-blues":
I remember the incessant crying of my baby girl when she was about six weeks old... I was a new mother in a town where I didn't know anyone, alone with a baby that never stopped crying. She wanted me to hold her constantly. Only me. Nooooooooooobody else. I never slept. My body leaked from every orafice. It was summer, it was Tennessee, and it was humid. My beautiful pregnancy hair was beginning to fall out and stick to my body. My boobs itched. I started to forget what slept felt like.
I honestly thought my life was going to be like that forever.
Then one day, as I was packing away the clothes she had grown out of, I realized it wasn't that way anymore. It hadn't been for a few months. She had grown out of that stage an on to the next one.
We have to get through one stage before we can move on to the next. That's the big difference between you and your husband. You feel honest emotions, and that's healthy. This may not be the right time to be joyous and happy. In the long run you're going to reap your rewards.
I think you are right, however, to not ignore these emotions. This time sucks. Treat yourself well, and know that there are people looking out for you.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Anvil you haven't lived Galaxy chocolate is the best chocolate in the world ��
Well seriouskarma I wish this stage would hurry up and pass I've had enough already and I know I can't force recovery but it's so much harder knowing he's no responsibilities and enjoying life. I don't get how an alcoholics life is miserable, it certainly doesn't seem to be???
I really hope I get through this I seem to have more bad days than good and I am trying to feel my emotions and not bottle them up, I have done that for so long ignored my own feelings, maybe they're all flooding me at once now but I feel that I am drowning
Well seriouskarma I wish this stage would hurry up and pass I've had enough already and I know I can't force recovery but it's so much harder knowing he's no responsibilities and enjoying life. I don't get how an alcoholics life is miserable, it certainly doesn't seem to be???
I really hope I get through this I seem to have more bad days than good and I am trying to feel my emotions and not bottle them up, I have done that for so long ignored my own feelings, maybe they're all flooding me at once now but I feel that I am drowning
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New york
Posts: 144
To the wrong person you'll never have any worth but to the right person you'll mean everything.
It's hard to believe that after spending years with them they would not value us, but sometimes we just have to face the truth that nothing was as valuable as their alcohol or their addiction source
It's hard to believe that after spending years with them they would not value us, but sometimes we just have to face the truth that nothing was as valuable as their alcohol or their addiction source
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Butterfly,
I wish I could paraphrase or quote some of the things that you said. I don't know how. I'm computer illiterate.
Do you see how you are still focusing on him, and what he thinks and what he says?
He is not God, he is a schmuck that you happened to marry, and keep your vows with. But he threw them all away. BTDT.
You are probably still hearing his "voice" in your head. I know I still do, and I am outta there since 2009.
In a way I don't want to hear anymore that he loves you, and all this other stuff. If he did, and he wasn't selfish and a complete a$$, he would be there. You are hurting and he knows it, your children are hurting and he knows it. But here he is going on binges or every nighters and he doesn't give a damm.
Trying to find the reasoning for this, is the making of how he can make you crazy. You just can't find a sane solution for insanity.
I was like you in a way, I felt the way, I felt all the same things, but I wanted to hide it, I thought I guess if you act it out, someday it may kick in.
It doesn't, so I think you are doing the better thing here by talking about it.
Thank you for that, you are a lot braver then I was.
I don't know what it was or what triggered me, I just don't even want to think of him anymore.
I have "boxes" in my head. I put him into the "boxes". It's marked cold case file. I realize the emotional damage he has done to me, or I guess I should say, I allowed him to do to me.
I try not to go near those "boxes".
So, ok, your children are getting older, no reason why they can't help out. They want to be out with their friends on the weekend. No reason you can't do the same.
Just think about this, are you there because that's what you think you should be doing, according to stbsah, is he still dictating your life while he does what ever he wants without a care in the world? Did you give yourself your own pity prison?
Said with love
amy
I wish I could paraphrase or quote some of the things that you said. I don't know how. I'm computer illiterate.
Do you see how you are still focusing on him, and what he thinks and what he says?
He is not God, he is a schmuck that you happened to marry, and keep your vows with. But he threw them all away. BTDT.
You are probably still hearing his "voice" in your head. I know I still do, and I am outta there since 2009.
In a way I don't want to hear anymore that he loves you, and all this other stuff. If he did, and he wasn't selfish and a complete a$$, he would be there. You are hurting and he knows it, your children are hurting and he knows it. But here he is going on binges or every nighters and he doesn't give a damm.
Trying to find the reasoning for this, is the making of how he can make you crazy. You just can't find a sane solution for insanity.
I was like you in a way, I felt the way, I felt all the same things, but I wanted to hide it, I thought I guess if you act it out, someday it may kick in.
It doesn't, so I think you are doing the better thing here by talking about it.
Thank you for that, you are a lot braver then I was.
I don't know what it was or what triggered me, I just don't even want to think of him anymore.
I have "boxes" in my head. I put him into the "boxes". It's marked cold case file. I realize the emotional damage he has done to me, or I guess I should say, I allowed him to do to me.
I try not to go near those "boxes".
So, ok, your children are getting older, no reason why they can't help out. They want to be out with their friends on the weekend. No reason you can't do the same.
Just think about this, are you there because that's what you think you should be doing, according to stbsah, is he still dictating your life while he does what ever he wants without a care in the world? Did you give yourself your own pity prison?
Said with love
amy
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Ok, Ms. B, you might not want to hear this, but I'm feeling compelled to throw down a reality check, & am hoping it serves you in growing past your sadness...
I don't know where you heard that an alcoholics life is miserable...I am an alcoholic/addict in recovery, & will tell you straight that I had a rip-roaring fabulous time partying for about 90% of my using career. Yes, there are mornings that you wake up hungover & feeling like crap, yes there are legal worries & health concerns & sometimes you make people cry & that feels bad... For about ten minutes! Then you power up, take a drink, snort some coke, find other addicts & alcoholics who are fun & attractive & have lots of problems too, and you forget all about the "concerns."
Bottom line, your ex is an a-hole to abandon a wife & children. Bottom line, he's probably having a great time except for the occasional early morning realization of what he's done, and that is only lasting for a moment, and then he is silencing any guilt or misery with drink or drugs.
Don't be sad! Be angry if you need to, for a bit. But waiting for him to feel misery at the situation is a set-up.
The thing to do next is figure out what sort of life you can build that will be joyous & meaningful to YOU! You are left behind in this weird Cinderella existence of household chores - who wants that? You've probably got a fair amount of life left, the kids are growing... You can go out a couple of night's a week & learn to dance, you can start wandering around your town taking arty photos, you can go someplace tropical with a girlfriend, you can get all fancy and go on a date and make out with a cute guy in a car... Whatever. Set up family to watch the kids or have them all go sleepover at friends houses & have some FUN. You are starving yourself of joy.
The universe may well not punish him. He may have a full, fun life while being an alcoholic. What are you going to do with your life? Throw down, sister. You weren't destined for a life of laundry!
I don't know where you heard that an alcoholics life is miserable...I am an alcoholic/addict in recovery, & will tell you straight that I had a rip-roaring fabulous time partying for about 90% of my using career. Yes, there are mornings that you wake up hungover & feeling like crap, yes there are legal worries & health concerns & sometimes you make people cry & that feels bad... For about ten minutes! Then you power up, take a drink, snort some coke, find other addicts & alcoholics who are fun & attractive & have lots of problems too, and you forget all about the "concerns."
Bottom line, your ex is an a-hole to abandon a wife & children. Bottom line, he's probably having a great time except for the occasional early morning realization of what he's done, and that is only lasting for a moment, and then he is silencing any guilt or misery with drink or drugs.
Don't be sad! Be angry if you need to, for a bit. But waiting for him to feel misery at the situation is a set-up.
The thing to do next is figure out what sort of life you can build that will be joyous & meaningful to YOU! You are left behind in this weird Cinderella existence of household chores - who wants that? You've probably got a fair amount of life left, the kids are growing... You can go out a couple of night's a week & learn to dance, you can start wandering around your town taking arty photos, you can go someplace tropical with a girlfriend, you can get all fancy and go on a date and make out with a cute guy in a car... Whatever. Set up family to watch the kids or have them all go sleepover at friends houses & have some FUN. You are starving yourself of joy.
The universe may well not punish him. He may have a full, fun life while being an alcoholic. What are you going to do with your life? Throw down, sister. You weren't destined for a life of laundry!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New york
Posts: 144
Originally Posted by heartcore 
Ok, Ms. B, you might not want to hear this, but I'm feeling compelled to throw down a reality check, & am hoping it serves you in growing past your sadness...
Bottom line, your ex is an a-hole to abandon a wife & children. Bottom line, he's probably having a great time except for the occasional early morning realization of what he's done, and that is only lasting for a moment, and then he is silencing any guilt or misery with drink or drugs.
Don't be sad! Be angry if you need to, for a bit. But waiting for him to feel misery at the situation is a set-up.!
Bottom line, your ex is an a-hole to abandon a wife & children. Bottom line, he's probably having a great time except for the occasional early morning realization of what he's done, and that is only lasting for a moment, and then he is silencing any guilt or misery with drink or drugs.
Don't be sad! Be angry if you need to, for a bit. But waiting for him to feel misery at the situation is a set-up.!
Wow I said... That was harsh...... But it got through to me... My x only cared about me making him feel better when he needed that fix. All the other time he was happy with his choice, his life. Or he would change it.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I have a scented candle fetish lol
Try to be a little gentler on yourself.
It is OK to feel like you're not coping, you have been through so much & your
life has changed.
Recognise that you feel you aren't coping & try to do something to take care of yourself, read a book for 10 minutes, call a friend, say a prayer, look for thanks in what you do have etc etc.
Or if that fails, buy a cheap smelly candle lol.
Big hugs, hang in there, one day at a time, it will get easier.
Try to be a little gentler on yourself.
It is OK to feel like you're not coping, you have been through so much & your
life has changed.
Recognise that you feel you aren't coping & try to do something to take care of yourself, read a book for 10 minutes, call a friend, say a prayer, look for thanks in what you do have etc etc.
Or if that fails, buy a cheap smelly candle lol.
Big hugs, hang in there, one day at a time, it will get easier.
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