how do I get my power back?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
how do I get my power back?
Right now it feels like he has all the power. I don't know the steps for taking it back.
I am seeing a therapist who specializeso in al anon and we are seeing a marriage counsellor that specializes in addictions. But they are both really booked up and then away on holidays, I see my counsellor in Nov and we see the marriage counsellor in Dec. Meetings are really hard to get to right now. What can I do in the meantime to get my power back?
I am seeing a therapist who specializeso in al anon and we are seeing a marriage counsellor that specializes in addictions. But they are both really booked up and then away on holidays, I see my counsellor in Nov and we see the marriage counsellor in Dec. Meetings are really hard to get to right now. What can I do in the meantime to get my power back?
Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
There are several ways to begin
1) Detachment
2) Boundaries
The Serenity Prayer is kindergarten and the steps are school. Begin with serenity. When God Grants us Serenity our mind is cleared (at least for the moment) and we can THINK as we get the courage to change the things we can, we get things to do-These help us move forward and keep us busy.
With Serenity we can detach. Detachment is NEITHER kind nor unkind (some intimate is needs to be done in love..horsefeathers..it just needs to be done, the love can come later when it is ready)
Detachment is the process by which we separate emotion from a situation and learn to deal with things rationally and logically rather than emotionally. He who lives by emotions..is without principles.
Detachment is the:
Process by which we stop taking on emotions/responsibilities that do not belong to us. There is a difference between compassion or empathy & actually taking on anothers emotions. If you are angry I do not have to be angry too. The same is true for pain, depression or grief.
Detachment is the Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
It involves:
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
It takes practice and repetition, but little by little we go far.
Once you get detachment started you can work on boundaries, which for now all I will say is that boundaries are a reflection of our self respect or lack there of. They are not rules for the A to go by, but rather actions we will take in order to ensure our serenity in the even certain actions or inactions occur. The important thing is to begin and remember it's ALL a process and that it's about Progress, not perfection.
1) Detachment
2) Boundaries
The Serenity Prayer is kindergarten and the steps are school. Begin with serenity. When God Grants us Serenity our mind is cleared (at least for the moment) and we can THINK as we get the courage to change the things we can, we get things to do-These help us move forward and keep us busy.
With Serenity we can detach. Detachment is NEITHER kind nor unkind (some intimate is needs to be done in love..horsefeathers..it just needs to be done, the love can come later when it is ready)
Detachment is the process by which we separate emotion from a situation and learn to deal with things rationally and logically rather than emotionally. He who lives by emotions..is without principles.
Detachment is the:
Process by which we stop taking on emotions/responsibilities that do not belong to us. There is a difference between compassion or empathy & actually taking on anothers emotions. If you are angry I do not have to be angry too. The same is true for pain, depression or grief.
Detachment is the Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
It involves:
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
It takes practice and repetition, but little by little we go far.
Once you get detachment started you can work on boundaries, which for now all I will say is that boundaries are a reflection of our self respect or lack there of. They are not rules for the A to go by, but rather actions we will take in order to ensure our serenity in the even certain actions or inactions occur. The important thing is to begin and remember it's ALL a process and that it's about Progress, not perfection.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by soverylost 
Right now it feels like he has all the power. I don't know the steps for taking it back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Thank you, ifnotforgrace. That is exactly what I needed. I need to put my power back onto myself. I give him power for my feelings, for my happiness. I need to start finding that for myself, give it back to myself. It's such a slow long process and sometimes I get impatient.
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