I miss my husband and I miss hope.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
I miss my husband and I miss hope.
I'm super sad tonight.
AH is done with his binge for now, and trying to pick up the pieces. He's losing everything. He just lost another client and doesn't have many more to lose. He can't afford his place anymore. His work equipment isn't working right and will costs thousands to repair. He didn't show up for his DUI sentence last week (he has one from 2012 and didn't complete the community service so has to serve actual time). So, now he probably has a warrant and is trying to figure out which day to turn himself in (it's a nice 7 hour drive). He still has the frontal lobe issue and he has to go have further testing for that before the doctor decides to go in surgically.
He is beyond depressed now. Living in squalor. Not taking care of himself. The boys haven't seen him in almost two weeks. He is falling apart. I'm exhausted from commuting 5 hours round trip every day for work. I'm barely getting to see the kids (thank goodness for my mom helping with the boys while I work).
I don't even know if he's an alcoholic anymore. I think he's got a mental/personality disorder. Whatever it is, it NEVER ends. I blocked his phone number but he emailed me yesterday begging me to call him. I did, and he was just sobbing and saying he hates himself and he's let us all down again. I've never heard him cry like that.
I don't want to live with him ever again. I don't love him as a wife anymore. I am in pain because I still care about him but more importantly, my boys. I feel physical pain. I'm sad because I keep thinking I'm going to have go to identify his body. He has no family here. I told him to go home to England but he says what if the US doesn't let him back in. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to completely cut him out of our lives and the other part of me sees a very sick man. He is in pain and always has been. I don't know what prevents him from picking up a phone and calling someone for help. He tells me that his doctor has a great therapist he's going to put him in touch with but I don't believe him anymore. I have a terrible feeling he will be dead before he turns 36.
It's such a waste! We had a great start. We were in love and he was a happier person. He was so full of life and energy. He drew people to him and always had ambitious ideas. He loved soccer and I used to watch him play on Saturdays. Just before he went on the field, he would run up to the sideline where I held the baby and give me a quick kiss. Afterward, we'd drive over to Santa Monica Pier and have a nice dinner. We'd hold hands and sing in the car on the way home.
I don't know where he is now. He's just gone. Everything is ugliness and sorrow and alcohol bottles and police and court and anxiety and it is HELL. And I'm still his prisoner and the prisoner of this illness because we share these two beautiful kids. And I'm terrified he'll leave this earth and I will have to figure how to raise them after that terrible thing happens to them.
I feel like I'm grieving now, and there finally is no hope left.
AH is done with his binge for now, and trying to pick up the pieces. He's losing everything. He just lost another client and doesn't have many more to lose. He can't afford his place anymore. His work equipment isn't working right and will costs thousands to repair. He didn't show up for his DUI sentence last week (he has one from 2012 and didn't complete the community service so has to serve actual time). So, now he probably has a warrant and is trying to figure out which day to turn himself in (it's a nice 7 hour drive). He still has the frontal lobe issue and he has to go have further testing for that before the doctor decides to go in surgically.
He is beyond depressed now. Living in squalor. Not taking care of himself. The boys haven't seen him in almost two weeks. He is falling apart. I'm exhausted from commuting 5 hours round trip every day for work. I'm barely getting to see the kids (thank goodness for my mom helping with the boys while I work).
I don't even know if he's an alcoholic anymore. I think he's got a mental/personality disorder. Whatever it is, it NEVER ends. I blocked his phone number but he emailed me yesterday begging me to call him. I did, and he was just sobbing and saying he hates himself and he's let us all down again. I've never heard him cry like that.
I don't want to live with him ever again. I don't love him as a wife anymore. I am in pain because I still care about him but more importantly, my boys. I feel physical pain. I'm sad because I keep thinking I'm going to have go to identify his body. He has no family here. I told him to go home to England but he says what if the US doesn't let him back in. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to completely cut him out of our lives and the other part of me sees a very sick man. He is in pain and always has been. I don't know what prevents him from picking up a phone and calling someone for help. He tells me that his doctor has a great therapist he's going to put him in touch with but I don't believe him anymore. I have a terrible feeling he will be dead before he turns 36.
It's such a waste! We had a great start. We were in love and he was a happier person. He was so full of life and energy. He drew people to him and always had ambitious ideas. He loved soccer and I used to watch him play on Saturdays. Just before he went on the field, he would run up to the sideline where I held the baby and give me a quick kiss. Afterward, we'd drive over to Santa Monica Pier and have a nice dinner. We'd hold hands and sing in the car on the way home.
I don't know where he is now. He's just gone. Everything is ugliness and sorrow and alcohol bottles and police and court and anxiety and it is HELL. And I'm still his prisoner and the prisoner of this illness because we share these two beautiful kids. And I'm terrified he'll leave this earth and I will have to figure how to raise them after that terrible thing happens to them.
I feel like I'm grieving now, and there finally is no hope left.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Worrying about his death in advance won't help you prepare for it any better. My ex husband (not an A) died of cancer in July 2013 and I am now raising our son by myself. He was sick for a long time and none of my future tripping about his death proved useful in dealing with the aftermath.
My alcoholic ex is alive and still drinking and deteriorating. He suffered traumatic brain injuries in Iraq (damage to the frontal lobe, similar to your husband) which made him violent and unpredictable when he drank. He started as a binge drinker and would have periods of sobriety and remorse between binges. Eventually it got to the point where he drank constantly.
He has almost no contact with our son. He survives on his disability check. I have had to let him go and also let go of my fears for his future. They didn't help him and they actively harmed me.
We are safer not having contact with him. That does not negate my compassion for him, but our safety must come first. I did not abandon him. I chose to put my family's safety first.
He could stop anytime he wanted, reach out for help, make different choices. So far he has not done that. I couldn't save him, all I could do was get out of his way.
My alcoholic ex is alive and still drinking and deteriorating. He suffered traumatic brain injuries in Iraq (damage to the frontal lobe, similar to your husband) which made him violent and unpredictable when he drank. He started as a binge drinker and would have periods of sobriety and remorse between binges. Eventually it got to the point where he drank constantly.
He has almost no contact with our son. He survives on his disability check. I have had to let him go and also let go of my fears for his future. They didn't help him and they actively harmed me.
We are safer not having contact with him. That does not negate my compassion for him, but our safety must come first. I did not abandon him. I chose to put my family's safety first.
He could stop anytime he wanted, reach out for help, make different choices. So far he has not done that. I couldn't save him, all I could do was get out of his way.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
You are not in control of him or have power to get him help. The only thing you can do is give him over to your higher power..
You have to take care of you and your kids. Count your blessings your kids aren't seeing all the "crap" that my kids did with their A dad. Start living your life with out him.. maybe he will get sober, maybe not..not your decision to make at this time.. stay strong!!!
You have to take care of you and your kids. Count your blessings your kids aren't seeing all the "crap" that my kids did with their A dad. Start living your life with out him.. maybe he will get sober, maybe not..not your decision to make at this time.. stay strong!!!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Oh Emmy, I understand your pain!! It's heartbreaking!! I married a wonderful, sweet, loving, successful man - who slowly disappeared before my eyes. I hung on with everything I had. His addiction nearly destroyed me too. He is still angry with me for leaving him but I had to. Ironically, there are still times - I think he is coping with it all better then me....because he still is numbing it all out. Time does help. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 101
Hi Emmy,
Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. Addiction and mental illness are just so devastating when there are young children involved. Make sure that you don’t allow his illness to take you down too. It sounds like you are mentally and physically exhausted right now so please make sure to take a little bit of time to pamper yourself when you can, even if it just means soaking in a hot bubble bath or a having cup of hot chocolate with extra whipped cream. You are definitely worth it!
Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. Addiction and mental illness are just so devastating when there are young children involved. Make sure that you don’t allow his illness to take you down too. It sounds like you are mentally and physically exhausted right now so please make sure to take a little bit of time to pamper yourself when you can, even if it just means soaking in a hot bubble bath or a having cup of hot chocolate with extra whipped cream. You are definitely worth it!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Part of me wants to completely cut him out of our lives and the other part of me sees a very sick man.
Just some questions your post brought to mind. We can have compassion for someone on a downward spiral without having ourselves and our children sucked down the drain with him - I have compassion for my ex even though I have a PO and no contact with him at all. My keeping in contact with him wouldn't help him to get well. I know because I devoted 20 years of my life to that failed project.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: California
Posts: 21
My heart just broke for you reading your post. You must be so tired of trying to handle everything – your kids, your long commute, living with your parents again and of course the heartbreak of your husband’s addiction and/or mental illness.
It is so very hard to watch someone we love destroy their life. Remembering how they used to be is torture for us. We want them to be like that again. If they were like that once maybe they could be again. Maybe if we love them enough and care enough they will realize how good it used to be and will be that person again. It is just so hard to watch them turn into someone we can’t trust, we can’t count on - someone we can’t even recognize. What about the life we were building together? What about our kids? What about our dreams? Where does all that hope and love go?
The despair and helplessness we feel is overwhelming. I used to lie on my bed every weekend and after work just trying to think of nothing, just trying to get through to the next day. But my daughter was grown and out of the house. So I had the luxury of no obligations except going to work. With little ones it is just so hard. You need to be present for them. You have to put their needs ahead of your feelings. It is all just so overwhelming. It’s perfectly normal if you feel tired and sad and pulled in fifty different directions. It is OK whatever you are feeling right now.
Addiction doesn’t care about feelings or promises or anything except the next drink.
But you are doing the right thing. No matter what you would try to do to help him – you cannot save him. He needs to decide to save himself. Or not. It is not up to you. It is not your fault. You cannot love him out of his addiction.
Try not to be scared. Try not to future-trip and imagine all the horrible things that might happen. You have put so many of the right things in place. Your kids are with you and your parents. They have normalcy and stability and no drama every day. Your beautiful children will grow up with love. It may not be their father’s love. Even if the worst happens and he dies, they will be OK because they will have you and your parents and extended family. You are mourning in advance that they will miss something they they really do not have now. And may never have. It is so hard. It is OK to be sad about it. But try to be strong in knowing you are doing the very best for those beautiful children. You are making sure that they grow up with love and stability and peace.
There may be no hope left for him. And that is truly a sad thing. But you need to save yourself and your babies. And that is the right thing to do. I admire you so much for doing everything you have done already. You are very brave.
The next months or year or years may be hard but you will be OK. And your kids will be OK. You can’t save your husband but you can save yourself and your children. Hugs to you.
It is so very hard to watch someone we love destroy their life. Remembering how they used to be is torture for us. We want them to be like that again. If they were like that once maybe they could be again. Maybe if we love them enough and care enough they will realize how good it used to be and will be that person again. It is just so hard to watch them turn into someone we can’t trust, we can’t count on - someone we can’t even recognize. What about the life we were building together? What about our kids? What about our dreams? Where does all that hope and love go?
The despair and helplessness we feel is overwhelming. I used to lie on my bed every weekend and after work just trying to think of nothing, just trying to get through to the next day. But my daughter was grown and out of the house. So I had the luxury of no obligations except going to work. With little ones it is just so hard. You need to be present for them. You have to put their needs ahead of your feelings. It is all just so overwhelming. It’s perfectly normal if you feel tired and sad and pulled in fifty different directions. It is OK whatever you are feeling right now.
Addiction doesn’t care about feelings or promises or anything except the next drink.
But you are doing the right thing. No matter what you would try to do to help him – you cannot save him. He needs to decide to save himself. Or not. It is not up to you. It is not your fault. You cannot love him out of his addiction.
Try not to be scared. Try not to future-trip and imagine all the horrible things that might happen. You have put so many of the right things in place. Your kids are with you and your parents. They have normalcy and stability and no drama every day. Your beautiful children will grow up with love. It may not be their father’s love. Even if the worst happens and he dies, they will be OK because they will have you and your parents and extended family. You are mourning in advance that they will miss something they they really do not have now. And may never have. It is so hard. It is OK to be sad about it. But try to be strong in knowing you are doing the very best for those beautiful children. You are making sure that they grow up with love and stability and peace.
There may be no hope left for him. And that is truly a sad thing. But you need to save yourself and your babies. And that is the right thing to do. I admire you so much for doing everything you have done already. You are very brave.
The next months or year or years may be hard but you will be OK. And your kids will be OK. You can’t save your husband but you can save yourself and your children. Hugs to you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Emmy no wonder you're feeling so down and depressed. You've taken on a huge work load, quite apart from grieving about your AH and your marriage.
It sounds very harsh but maybe the only way he'll get help is by breaking down completely and his crisis just has to happen. There's no way he's getting better while still drinking, and detox will do that safely.
Maybe if it happens you can move back home and make your plans.
It sounds very harsh but maybe the only way he'll get help is by breaking down completely and his crisis just has to happen. There's no way he's getting better while still drinking, and detox will do that safely.
Maybe if it happens you can move back home and make your plans.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Originally Posted by coolchick 
My heart just broke for you reading your post. You must be so tired of trying to handle everything – your kids, your long commute, living with your parents again and of course the heartbreak of your husband’s addiction and/or mental illness. It is so very hard to watch someone we love destroy their life. Remembering how they used to be is torture for us. We want them to be like that again. If they were like that once maybe they could be again. Maybe if we love them enough and care enough they will realize how good it used to be and will be that person again. It is just so hard to watch them turn into someone we can’t trust, we can’t count on - someone we can’t even recognize. What about the life we were building together? What about our kids? What about our dreams? Where does all that hope and love go? The despair and helplessness we feel is overwhelming. I used to lie on my bed every weekend and after work just trying to think of nothing, just trying to get through to the next day. But my daughter was grown and out of the house. So I had the luxury of no obligations except going to work. With little ones it is just so hard. You need to be present for them. You have to put their needs ahead of your feelings. It is all just so overwhelming. It’s perfectly normal if you feel tired and sad and pulled in fifty different directions. It is OK whatever you are feeling right now. Addiction doesn’t care about feelings or promises or anything except the next drink. But you are doing the right thing. No matter what you would try to do to help him – you cannot save him. He needs to decide to save himself. Or not. It is not up to you. It is not your fault. You cannot love him out of his addiction. Try not to be scared. Try not to future-trip and imagine all the horrible things that might happen. You have put so many of the right things in place. Your kids are with you and your parents. They have normalcy and stability and no drama every day. Your beautiful children will grow up with love. It may not be their father’s love. Even if the worst happens and he dies, they will be OK because they will have you and your parents and extended family. You are mourning in advance that they will miss something they they really do not have now. And may never have. It is so hard. It is OK to be sad about it. But try to be strong in knowing you are doing the very best for those beautiful children. You are making sure that they grow up with love and stability and peace. There may be no hope left for him. And that is truly a sad thing. But you need to save yourself and your babies. And that is the right thing to do. I admire you so much for doing everything you have done already. You are very brave. The next months or year or years may be hard but you will be OK. And your kids will be OK. You can’t save your husband but you can save yourself and your children. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
I believe my XAH also has a personality disorder. It's such a roller coaster when you are still on the hope train. Analyzing, trying to figure out what is wrong with them... "Oh, if he would just agree to X, Y, Z, then the abuse and chaos will stop." I lived 13 years like that. Granted, it didn't start out like that. But once the addictions started up, the abuse and chaos multiplied tenfold. But looking back, I believe the underlying issues were always there. He was just able to hide it better, and I was able to live in denial better.
My ESH for you: you have to give him over to himself. If it is a sinking ship, you not grabbing a lifeboat is not going to help your sons a lick. Those good ole days are GONE. It's fine to remember them but it is no longer your reality. Too much has happened.
Your hope for having a lovely, bright future does not need to rest in his hands anymore. Personally, I made the decision to let my hope rest in God's hands. It is infinitely more secure there anyway.
My ESH for you: you have to give him over to himself. If it is a sinking ship, you not grabbing a lifeboat is not going to help your sons a lick. Those good ole days are GONE. It's fine to remember them but it is no longer your reality. Too much has happened.
Your hope for having a lovely, bright future does not need to rest in his hands anymore. Personally, I made the decision to let my hope rest in God's hands. It is infinitely more secure there anyway.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Emmy
You are doing the right thing in seeking support here at this site. It sounds like you have a clear picture of what is going on.
Someone else, a recovering alcoholic, put this up on another thread:
"I've been that person, engaging in a conversation to keep the peace, pretending to hear, when all I wanted was to diffuse the tension enough to keep drinking."
The emotions your man is exhibiting only mean something if he changes.
You are doing the right thing in seeking support here at this site. It sounds like you have a clear picture of what is going on.
Someone else, a recovering alcoholic, put this up on another thread:
"I've been that person, engaging in a conversation to keep the peace, pretending to hear, when all I wanted was to diffuse the tension enough to keep drinking."
The emotions your man is exhibiting only mean something if he changes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I don't know what prevents him from picking up a phone and calling someone for help.
I blocked his phone number but he emailed me yesterday begging me to call him. I did,
right now his GO TO call is to you. his is obviously capable of using a phone and using a computer and thus COULD call anyone or anywhere he CHOOSES.
he could go home to the UK. he chooses not to.
he could call the crisis line, AA, treatment centers, addiction specialists....he chooses not to.
he could have gone to court, he chose not to.
it's tough for sure. but with ONE phone call he could start the journey to wellness. but that call can't be to you.
I blocked his phone number but he emailed me yesterday begging me to call him. I did,
right now his GO TO call is to you. his is obviously capable of using a phone and using a computer and thus COULD call anyone or anywhere he CHOOSES.
he could go home to the UK. he chooses not to.
he could call the crisis line, AA, treatment centers, addiction specialists....he chooses not to.
he could have gone to court, he chose not to.
it's tough for sure. but with ONE phone call he could start the journey to wellness. but that call can't be to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
I'm sorry for all your pain. I think you are incredibly strong and doing the right thing for your boys.
I often think when it comes to addiction death is not the worst thing that can happen to an addict.
Keep taking care of you and your boys.
I often think when it comes to addiction death is not the worst thing that can happen to an addict.
Keep taking care of you and your boys.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 56
I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to be grieving for the man you love, while still having to deal with the person that is left. Your strength humbles me. I was really feeling sorry for myself today, and your post reminded me that we are fighting this battle together. Thank you for posting. Big, tight, hugs... I wish we could all get together and have tea, but know that we do understand, and there are always people here to talk to.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
HE is losing clients, HE is drinking, HE ignored court order and most likely doctor's orders too. He is responsible for his business or lack of. Most of his "problems" (that he conveniently vented to you after HE caused them) he refuses to seek help for.
I am sorry that you have to commute 5 hours daily, due to the fact that you did not feel safe with him threatening you, nor can you take a chance with him parenting your kids. You did this out of fear. How many times has HE caused you to move and uproot those kids in the last 2 years? Your kids need the stability they have by living with your family.
Frankly, I am amazed that you have ANY compassion left for him after all of the physical and emotional abuse he has heaped on you. (you wrote of the choking, the screaming, the cursing and insults, threatening to beat your face in).
I hope you proceed with filing for divorce as soon as possible. His next binge might involve him hurting others who would sue.
He is going to either drown or swim, but you can't help him, he has to do that for himself.
I am sorry that you have to commute 5 hours daily, due to the fact that you did not feel safe with him threatening you, nor can you take a chance with him parenting your kids. You did this out of fear. How many times has HE caused you to move and uproot those kids in the last 2 years? Your kids need the stability they have by living with your family.
Frankly, I am amazed that you have ANY compassion left for him after all of the physical and emotional abuse he has heaped on you. (you wrote of the choking, the screaming, the cursing and insults, threatening to beat your face in).
I hope you proceed with filing for divorce as soon as possible. His next binge might involve him hurting others who would sue.
He is going to either drown or swim, but you can't help him, he has to do that for himself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
EmmyG .....yes, I believe you...you ARE grieving, now. Grief feels awful--torturous at times--as if you are being turned inside out, emotionally. There is no doubt about it. Actually, it is made up of a kleidoscope of emotions (depending on the hour or the day).
I think it is best to know what it is and what to expect. It is the first stage of healing, in my opinion---so, you haveto go through it in order to heal.
Know that it will not k ill you and that it will fade away over time. More like weeks to months than hours or days. It will leave when you are ready for it to leave....
Meanwhile, begin to shore up your own ship.Begin to make ready to sail that ship on your own. With you as the Captain. Gather all help and support that is possible to assist you. Because...the job is too big to do alone. You will need the wisdom of others and the inspiration that they can offer.
It is o.k. to feel the way you are feeling, right now. Honestly, I don't know how you could feel otherwise (unless you were in denial...LOL).
How do you face all of this?.....one...day...at...a...time.
dandylion
I think it is best to know what it is and what to expect. It is the first stage of healing, in my opinion---so, you haveto go through it in order to heal.
Know that it will not k ill you and that it will fade away over time. More like weeks to months than hours or days. It will leave when you are ready for it to leave....
Meanwhile, begin to shore up your own ship.Begin to make ready to sail that ship on your own. With you as the Captain. Gather all help and support that is possible to assist you. Because...the job is too big to do alone. You will need the wisdom of others and the inspiration that they can offer.
It is o.k. to feel the way you are feeling, right now. Honestly, I don't know how you could feel otherwise (unless you were in denial...LOL).
How do you face all of this?.....one...day...at...a...time.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Well, he can think out his consequences enough to know that the us may not let him back in. That is not necessarily a bad thing.
My heard breaks for you my friend. It's so so hard to see someone you once had a life with go down the road to ruin.
Much love and many hugs coming your way!
XXX
My heard breaks for you my friend. It's so so hard to see someone you once had a life with go down the road to ruin.
Much love and many hugs coming your way!
XXX
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Emmy,
Hugs, you have a lot on your plate right now. I relate to a lot of what you are posting. You are dealing with a deteriorating AH, adjusting to pretty much being a single parent and all of the responsibilities that entails which is a lot for anyone to go through. Give yourself some credit. You my dear are doing a great job holding it altogether!!!
Unfortunately your AH is having to finally be responsible for his actions and the consequences aren't so good. It sounds like he has not reached his bottom yet. He did this to himself and only he can make it right. It's sad, it's heart wrentching to watch but no matter how bad YOU feel, YOU can't change it. That is up to HIM. HE is the one in control. HE can choose to stop drinking, seek recovery for himself, visit the doctor for treatment of his frontal lobe tumor, repay his DUI sentence, amend his relationship with everyone he has hurt and get his business back in order. HE can have that life again, but HE has to want it. All you can do is continue to work on yourself and sit by and be supportive when HE decides he is ready to change.
If talking to him and listening to his problems bothers you than distance yourself. I know you still have children in common and must communicate but maybe limit it to only communication regarding your child. I have the same dread about my STBXAH thinking he may be dead soon. Unfortunately I can't control that either. I have to accept this reality for what it is. He is no longer that man I married.
Hugs, you have a lot on your plate right now. I relate to a lot of what you are posting. You are dealing with a deteriorating AH, adjusting to pretty much being a single parent and all of the responsibilities that entails which is a lot for anyone to go through. Give yourself some credit. You my dear are doing a great job holding it altogether!!!
Unfortunately your AH is having to finally be responsible for his actions and the consequences aren't so good. It sounds like he has not reached his bottom yet. He did this to himself and only he can make it right. It's sad, it's heart wrentching to watch but no matter how bad YOU feel, YOU can't change it. That is up to HIM. HE is the one in control. HE can choose to stop drinking, seek recovery for himself, visit the doctor for treatment of his frontal lobe tumor, repay his DUI sentence, amend his relationship with everyone he has hurt and get his business back in order. HE can have that life again, but HE has to want it. All you can do is continue to work on yourself and sit by and be supportive when HE decides he is ready to change.
If talking to him and listening to his problems bothers you than distance yourself. I know you still have children in common and must communicate but maybe limit it to only communication regarding your child. I have the same dread about my STBXAH thinking he may be dead soon. Unfortunately I can't control that either. I have to accept this reality for what it is. He is no longer that man I married.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
It's just awful watching the deterioration. I am a recovered A but still watch the destruction: all 3 of my brothers are and were active A's. I play the films in my head sometimes, even though I know I shouldn't.
It's either the film where we were never alcoholics and we were a happy group of healthy siblings. Or it's the film where they finally recover. But, I'm losing hope - they are just too old and one of them is mentally ill. His mental illness is probably going to hinder any recovery. And sadly one of them is already gone, dying an alcoholics death in his car, the back seat filled with vodka bottles and a mountain of trash. Does it break my heart, yes, does it seem like a horrible waste, yes. But, I can't indulge in playing those films in my head, it's pointless.
But, you know, you can have hope for your husband. It's entirely possible that he can still recover because he is still young.
But, recovery won't mean that he will return to who he used to be. It will be a different ending to the story. No, the guy you used to know may never come back. The relationship will probably stay over. The best you can do is just keep pushing the dialogue of recovery. Emphasize how essential a program is, any program.
It sounds like the consequences are adding up quickly that is exactly when lots of A's finally "get it".
It's either the film where we were never alcoholics and we were a happy group of healthy siblings. Or it's the film where they finally recover. But, I'm losing hope - they are just too old and one of them is mentally ill. His mental illness is probably going to hinder any recovery. And sadly one of them is already gone, dying an alcoholics death in his car, the back seat filled with vodka bottles and a mountain of trash. Does it break my heart, yes, does it seem like a horrible waste, yes. But, I can't indulge in playing those films in my head, it's pointless.
But, you know, you can have hope for your husband. It's entirely possible that he can still recover because he is still young.
But, recovery won't mean that he will return to who he used to be. It will be a different ending to the story. No, the guy you used to know may never come back. The relationship will probably stay over. The best you can do is just keep pushing the dialogue of recovery. Emphasize how essential a program is, any program.
It sounds like the consequences are adding up quickly that is exactly when lots of A's finally "get it".
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