gleefan

I allow myself to believe my partner's promises - and I'm surprised when he breaks them. My disappointment takes over, and I want to put an end to this madness.

H has been drinking throughout our entire relationship and I got sober 7 months ago. In recovery I've come to realize my codependent tendencies, that I put my needs on the back burner. I've been making a strong effort to communicate my feelings, and I've been clear that us moving forward hinges on a shared agreement on how we are going to spend our free time. I thought we had a productive conversation, and he even wrote down me steps that he'd like to take to move forward.

Then he cracked open a beer. And he's been drinking ever since.

I have been clear that hanging out with him while he's drunk is absolutely not what I want to do. It threatens my sobriety. It stunts emotional intimacy. It makes physical intimacy unpleasant for me. And here I am, lonely, my H off in another mental world of lollipops and unicorns, my mind all wrapped up in how aggravated I am at him for failing to take an effort to be close to me, again.

The thing is, I know I'm better than being locked in my room, alone, avoiding a drunk H, on a Saturday night. I'm pretty, smart, fun, and good company.

I suspect I'd feel better now if I hadn't opened up to H earlier about my feelings, and been given any indication that he wants to follow through. How do I prevent this codependent misery? What can I do to detach?

ladyscribbler

I thought we had a productive conversation, and he even wrote down me steps that he'd like to take to move forward.

Then he cracked open a beer. And he's been drinking ever since.

Yeah, I had quite a few of these moments with my ex. We'd have this long, deep and (I thought) productive conversation about our relationship. I would have so much hope, like all my prayers had been answered and that conversation was going to solve all our problems.
Then he'd get drunk.
Those conversations were never productive, and they were never the answer to anything. They were his way of appeasing me so that he could keep doing exactly what he wanted to do, which was drink.
You got sober, you know it can be done. You also know what a real desire for sobriety looks like. It doesn't come in the form of talk and empty promises. It is action, focus and dedication.
The fact is, he doesn't really care how his drinking effects you. He will say anything to appease you, get you off his back. Then he will return to his number one priority- drinking.

Eauchiche

Dear Gleefan
Our situations are so similar, I can't believe it, but with one critical difference: I have seen my partner 3 times since I quit drinking and we separated in March.
I live 2-1/2 hours away from him. Dealing with missing him, worrying about him and dealing with my own recovery issues are hard enough. I think if I still lived with him, it would be impossible.
I went to see him last weekend, but left early because I couldn't handle his drinking and ignoring me.
I wish you every success in your recovery. You will find a lot of support here.

maia1234

When people show you who they are, Believe them the first time.

Croissant

I hadn't heard this quote for ages. Thanks for reminding me of it.

Gleefan. No advice. I've been that person, engaging in a conversation to keep the peace, pretending to hear, when all I wanted was to diffuse the tension enough to keep drinking.

Maybe one day, like me, your husband will look back and realise what he lost in those moments. Maybe not.

I know on the flip side - before I was a drinker, my first addict husband never listened then and probably still doesn't see what he lost.

Everyone is different. You have your own life to live, and I'm sorry you feel devalued by these continual non-gratifying interactions with your husband. I wonder if you chose not to leave, then how do you come to terms with this being how things are for now and stay.

(Not that I think you are considering leaving, more just sharing my musings and know how hard it is to feel taken for granted and sitting in a holding pattern.)

heres2hope

Gleefan, I don't have advice, but I can relate. I have heard these promises so many times that I'm actually not even surprised anymore when they are broken. Slight disappointment, but other than that, I'm numb. It's sad, really, to not have the trust with the person that you are committed to. Live your life and take care of you!

Eauchiche

"Gleefan. No advice. I've been that person, engaging in a conversation to keep the peace, pretending to hear, when all I wanted was to diffuse the tension enough to keep drinking."

VERY helpful. Many thanks!

AnvilheadII

Then he cracked open a beer. And he's been drinking ever since.

regardless of what words fell out of his mouth, his ACTIONS really do the speaking.

your precious sobriety has to come first. you must defend it vigilantly. the person you share a home with brings alcohol in to the home and then drinks to excess. with zero regard with how that might impact you. that makes him a threat.

gleefan

Married to an alcoholic, I've come to see that I've become focused on my marriage's potential, rather than its reality. I am so humbled by the thoughtful advice from folks who have experienced the same frustration and pain.

As a recovering alcoholic myself, I know what it feels like to be dominated by alcohol. I know how it feels to go through the motions, to act the part, all the while eagerly awaiting getting down to the business of using.

I had a spiritual awakening after my last drunk earlier this year, where I realized that I didn't want to waste one more minute of my precious time on earth drinking or being hungover. I feel blessed that with working a program of recovery, the obsession to drink has lifted.

Of course, lifting that veil uncovered another layer of dysfunction - codependency. Today I developed an awareness that I don't want to waste one more minute of my precious time on earth fretting over H. I am a beautiful, kind, generous, intelligent woman who is going to work a program of recovery to live a life that's happy, joyous and free. This feels like a new spiritual awakening!

I'm working hard on accepting life as it is, and cultivating gratitude for the opportunities that my day, however mundane, holds. Even when things don't go as planned, I accept the changes and work on developing gratitude for the new circumstances.

I'm grateful for the stuff that's easy to appreciate - fun times with my children, career growth, time with friends, working out, development of self care skills, and spiritual enrichment. But believe it or not, I am even learning to be grateful for those times like last night when "more is revealed" and I learn to accept what is.

Thanks so much for taking the time to share your perceptions with me. It keeps me moving forward. I appreciate it so much!