somedaysoon74

Today is the first time that my alcoholic boyfriend admitted that he has a problem and that he needs help. I am in the process of detaching myself from him as I realized that I was an enabler by paying overdue bills, paying his rent to avoid eviction etc. He is a functioning alcoholic so he still goes to work but his debt and some other areas in his life are out of control in my opinion. My dilemma is now that I was trying to detach myself and accepting that I can't fix him and that only he can fix himself - and suddenly after a fight on the phone were I said that I can't deal with this anymore, he says that he realizes that he needs help and that he has a drinking problem. That is the first time he admitted that. I gave him the number of a local quit line and the locations of nearby AA meetings - what else should I do? I feel a little trapped now as I was just trying to focus on myself and stop worrying about him and now after this phone call I am am not sure what I should do? Some advice from you guys would be much appreciated.

heres2hope

My alcoholic husband was also a functioning alcoholic with a steady job, until one day, he wasn't. He also admitted that he had a problem after he lost his job, but that hasn't really caused him to completely stop drinking.

I honestly didn't recognize any of the symptoms of an alcoholic at the beginning of the relationship and if I had known all the heartache and stress and how much being with someone with the disease would change me, I would never had stayed. The only things that makes it all worthwhile, are my two children, who I treasure more than anything in the world.

I am still with my husband, so I feel like I should be the last person to be giving you advice, but I would focus on yourself first. He can work on himself and when he has gotten help, you can decide if he is the person that you deserve.

53500

Somedaysoon, welcome. You will find a lot of wisdom and support here.

You're not trapped. Your bf will do what he will do, with or without you. He can't get or stay sober for you. He has to do it for himself.

Paying his rent and bills IS enabling and it's good you realized it. I think you are on the right track of focusing on yourself and not worrying about him. Stay on that track. Feeling trapped into staying with him out of guilt or thinking you are responsible for his recovery does not sound like a good reason to stay with him. Do what feels right for you.

You gave him a couple of good tools to help him recover. That was nice of you. Hopefully he'll use them.

SeriousKarma

"Trapped" is never a good feeling when it comes to relationships.

ladyscribbler

Funny how he had this epiphany right at the time when you decide to stop paying his bills and debts. That's good timing on his part.
I think that if you keep doing what you were doing, stepping back and letting him take responsibility for his own stuff, then you will soon see how serious he is about reaching for recovery on his own. So far you have some words from him without any actions to back them up.
More will be revealed, whatever you decide about this relationship.

maia1234

Don't be disappointed if he fails you. He really needs to hit rock bottom before he makes any changes. Not sure if he has hit that yet.. best thing you can do for an A is Nothing!!!!!

Alaskachick

Your boyfriend has admitted he has a problem with alcohol which is a positive first step; however at this point nothing else has really changed. It will take much more time for him to make the additional positive changes that he needs to make. He needs to focus on himself and his sobriety and it sounds like you really need to take some time to focus on yourself. I don’t know your history with him; but is it possible for you to step away from the girlfriend role and just continue to support him from a distance as a friend for now? That’s not to say that you have no future together, but maybe that’s the best you can offer him at the moment.

Santa

^^^^ This. Is a coincidence that his response, once you quite properly insisted that he take some responsibility for himself, made you feel trapped? I think not. Keep stepping back. Alcoholics are master manipulators.

By the way, an adult who needs another person to pay his tent so he won't be evicted is not "functional."

TerpGal

You supplied the info for AA. That is enough. He has to decide what to do from here on in. There is nothing else you CAN do except stop paying his bills, covering up for him, bailing him out of hot water. If he hasn't hit bottom yet, he will if you keep doing those things (and provided someone else doesn't swoop in and "rescue" him.). My RAH admitted he had a drinking problem, many, many times. Never admitted hewas an alcoholic until I really was done, packed my bags for real and took one of our dogs and called his parents to pick his drunk @ss up at 2:30 in the morning.

But it's early days for us still. I still do not believe a word that comes out of his mouth. We still live together but I try to spend as little time in the same room as him as possible. If I didn't do that, I would be worried I would physically hurt him. I am in the "uncontrollable rage" stage right now.

Croissant

I was thinking the exact same thing.

I hate the term "functional alcoholic", there is often not much functioning at all, in life, relationships or work, despite the facade to show otherwise. I've been that person, and I've been married to that person - it's not functioning at all.

It's part of the facade to conceal the truth.

jarp

I agree....and I kept lowering the bar time and time again as to how I defined 'functional'. Like you it was my AH's job that gave the illusion of functioning.

Until he lost it! Just like that, he went from so called functioning to totally non functioning. I visited him in rehab today and the first thing his nurse said to me was "it's good to see Mr Jarp looking a little brighter...he was very, very sick when he came in....I don't think he would have lasted much longer". 3 months ago he was in his highly paid job, wearing hand made suits (they seemed to mean a lot to him pfft) and appearing in industry events and confereces in front of thousands of people. How quickly that facade can slip.

His dad was also a functional alcoholic bc he managed to maintain a job. He was 'retired' involuntarily at 50!

I'd suggest if YOU are interested in sticking it through you totally block his words and look only at his actions.

But if you are not, then run, run fast!

Santa

Same with my XAH. I later learned (not from him) that they even kept him on 6 months past when they knew they were going to have to fire him for drinking on the job. Everybody gives alcoholics chance, upon chance, upon chance. They choose to keep drinking.

somedaysoon74

You guys are right, I am glad you posted it I guess the "functioning" title gave me the feeling that it isn't that bad yet as he goes to work every day. But true, a functioning adult isn't in danger of getting evicted. I had to hear that. Thanks for all your posts, I am really glad I joined this forum.