Bamawife

Hello! I am a new member. I have an AH who is currently on day 6 of medical detox. He will go in to another inpatient facility for 30 days or longer in about 4 days. For years I tried to cope with him being an alcoholic. I even went to al anon meetings. Over a year ago, I was promoted in my profession and could no longer get to the meetings. Fast forward to last weekend....I went to work and knew that he was drinking heavily by the time I left (around 7:15am). When I got home he was extremely drunk. Within a couple of hours of me arriving home, he became verbally and physically abusive. I left our home and went to my mother's. He passed out and called the next morning wanting to know if I was coming home. I told him I would come home to "talk". Well, that didn't work out too well and he thought he would hurt me again. I told him I was leaving and that if he came near me I would call the police. **I had said this numerous times before and never did it.** About an hour later, thinking that I would not follow through with what I said, he showed up at my mom's. I called the police the minute I saw him driving up in the driveway. He was shocked that I actually did it this time. I won't lie, I even surprised myself!! Anyway, because he had been drinking, the police would not let him drive home so he was loaded into the back seat of a patrol car and taken home. He was told not to come near me again. Thinking that I would probably get over him being drunk, he called me over and over. I kept telling him that I was not coming home. After 2 days of him getting the same answer from me, he decided to seek treatment. I have had no contact with him until today. They allowed him to call me briefly but they asked me if I was ok talking to him first. I replied that it was "ok". I was not thrilled or happy to talk to him. He got on the phone and asked if I needed any money because he has his debit card, etc...with him. I told him I was fine on my own. Then he asked me if I would bring him some shaving cream and a razor. My reply was no. I think that surprised him as well. Needless to say, our conversation lasted about 2 minutes. The counselor that called me for him got back on the phone and said that he would see that he got shaving cream, etc...I told him thank you because I am just not up to seeing him yet.

Now, I have wanted him to seek real treatment for a long time. I am happy that he is in treatment. BUT.......I am scared to death of what things will be like when he comes out of treatment. I want to be supportive but how will I know that he is truly accepting responsibility for his actions? He has done a tremendous amount of emotional damage to me and our two 20'something kids. My dad died less than a month ago and I am still trying to deal with that. I feel totally overwhelmed. I feel as though I cannot think clearly enough to help myself. I feel lost, alone, etc...I know I need to take care of "me" but not sure how to do that yet!!

Thanks for letting me share even though it may appear I just rambled.

Sikofit

Others who know more will be along soon--just wanted to say welcome. I think you're doing great by not seeing him!

Bamawife

Thank you!

EmmyG

Hi,

I'm lying here sobbing my eyes out but I wanted to tell you I've been there and this is the perfect place for you to come. Everyone here is so helpful. I spend a lot of time reading threads here and it gives me a lot of comfort. It sounds like you are coping well with a difficult situation and it was really good that you called the police.

Bamawife

Thank you for the encouragement. It took a long time for me to get to this point but I am glad I made it. I didn't realize that I would be so overwhelmed though. Between my dad dying and this, I am an emotional wreck!!!!

TerpGal

I did basically the same thing when RAH finally decided he needed help. He had been physically and verbally abusive before and I just took off after I found him passed out in his regular weekend pass out spot for the second time during the week. He knew if I found it again, I was done. So I took off.

I had always wished and hoped he would get sober, so off to treatment he went, and I stayed, holding down the fort, thinking about how when he came home I wouldn't care what he did, focus on me, etc. That was a lot easier to say when he was there. Since his alcoholism had finally become "real", so did all the crappy things he did while drinking that I had just buried. And all that stuff, since he has been home, has been vomited to the surface. Hes been home 2 weeks and quite literally every time I walk through the door coming home from work or wherever, I have an overwhelming desire to physically hurt him. I can't stand looking at him I'm so angry. It has not been easy. Yes, I am going to meetings, exercising, going to yoga, trying to meet new people, but the rage I feel towards him is uncontrollable. It will not be easy, if you decide to stay.

dandylion

Bamawife....since you have been in alanon, previously.....you know that you have no control over him......right? You also know that you DO have control over yourself and your decisions. Your future depends on you and the actions and decisions that you make.

This is how you take care of you (since you asked...LOL).
Get back to alanon asap. Line up an individual counselor for yourself.
Get a copy of "C0-deoendent No More" and begin reading it.

Considering the history that you have given and the amount if abuse, etc., you need as much help as he does, right now.
The first year of sobriety is notoriously rocky for both alcoholic and spouse. And, that is when they are working a strong program and don't relapse!! You have absolutely no gurantee of what he is going to do when he gets out of rehab.

You have suffered trauma...and I suggest that you address this with your counselor as to how much therapy you are likely to need in order to heal.
I also highly recommend that you consider that he live elsewhere after rehab--like a sober living house...own apartment....or whatever.

You need some extended time away from the abuse while you get care and sort yourself out.

As much as you can detach yourself from him and focus your energy on yourself...the better!

dandylion

Bamawife

Dandylion,

I realize I have no control over him. Some of the steps that other's can take are harder for me to take. I no longer live in a major city where resources for help are abundant. I live 2 hours away from a major city. I am doing al anon meetings via telephone (that still seems weird to me)! I miss F2F meetings but they are not available here. I plan on looking for a counselor because I definitely need that. Detachment, I am working on. It seems as if I am so mentally tired that I cannot even complete a simple sentence. Prior to daddy dying in September, my husband and I had been caregivers to him and my mother. I was already physically exhausted from that, working full time, etc...and then AH snapped. It is just all too much for me right now.

Thank you for your ESH.

changeneeded

Welcome, and bless you for being so strong. I hope to be in your situation some day.
So many people will be along here to help you through, and many more will be here to give you encouagement and hugs.

Keep the good work going!

WendyOR

I want to say, you are tired, but you will build your strength, you obviously have that in you. You are going to make it through this, one way or another as you have the strength and the drive and determination.

Today, since he is in a facility getting help, maybe today is a day you need to totally focus on yourself. Maybe you need to take a hot and relaxing bath. Maybe you need to keep reading on this site. Maybe you need to rest. You will know what is right for you for today to take care of yourself. Whatever that is, just do it.

I wanted to take a moment and say I am sorry for the loss of your father. You have a lot on your plate right now just in that alone, and the grieving process. Be kind to yourself.

dandylion

Bamawife....I hear you. Of course you are exhausted. Just the loss of your father, alone is enough for you to deal with. grief is very demanding of a person's life energy and takes a lot of our attention.
I must ask....is your mother still requiring care or assistance?

I know that living in less populated areas does make some things more difficult. Even the telephone meets are of value, though....and the counselor should give you support and comfort. You need these people who are "on your side" to walk with you.

I do think that you should give yourself permission to do only what is necessary to keep body and soul together--and, put the rest of your energy onto your own self care.
Your husband will have a lot of others working with him. He does not need you. As harsh as that might sound to you...it is true.

It is time for you, now.

dandylion

bringiton

Here two cents! When my RAH came home (detox and 30 days in treatment) he still had a group of people that were there to support him. If you don't have that now you will not have it when he comes home. He is fine, he will be focused on HIS recovery please try to start working on yours now. He will learn in treatment to focus on HIS recovery. He will learn skills to protect his sobriety (if he chooses).

More details in some of my past posts but sobriety does not equal change, honesty or commitment. These are all things that will take a LONG time if they ever happen at all. Try to keep expectations low when he comes home as far as him being a changed man. Take care of yourself. You may want to start thinking about your boundaries once he comes home. You don't have to feel bad for wanting to protect yourself or feelings.

My RAH informed me that after 3 months of sobriety our marriage was the only one that had gotten worse. I don't know that is true and even if it was I don't know that its a bad thing. At least its progress! I'm healing and he is healing. I don't know if we will continue together or apart but its progress. He may consider it worse because I'm finally demanding respect and honesty.

Stay strong! I am sorry for your loss. Sometimes it seems when one thing happens the rest of the dominos fall. Sending you lots of hugs!

Bamawife

You have all offered such great and gentle support. I am also fighting a UTI and at home in bed sick...things keep stacking up on my plate. However, I feel like I am in a better place today. I am thinking about boundaries. I claimed to have boundaries before but I had also threatened to call the police before. Then, I DID IT. Thinking about him receiving so much support where he is almost makes me angry. I know he needs it and he is getting it. What about ME? I will find my support and work on making sure that I receive it. Is it odd that I wish I was in rehab for counseling???

Dandylion, my mother needs minimal assistance. She is actually being a rock for me right now. She is listening and not passing judgment. She is seeing that I eat.

Once again, thank you all for such encouraging words!!

WendyOR

For now, you have support here. There is a lot of wisdom here. Nobody here can tell you to stay or go... that is up to you. What people will do is keep telling you to think about what you need. He has his support, so you can find yours here to begin with then you can delve deeper into that if that is what you choose.

Bamawife

I am not wondering about staying or going. That is a decision that I will not make for a while. But if you asked me right now, I intend on staying.

Although I am still sick with the UTI, I have been productive today. My mom and I are making plans to go to the Shrimp Festival next weekend and stay overnight with my brother and his family. With mama being a recent widow I am happy that she is wanting to get out and about. It will be good for both of us. I cannot wait to see all of the arts and crafts and hopefully buy a few Christmas presents. I am choosing to be happy!!

formyboys

Bamawife...I just found your thread and wanted to give support. I hope you are doing well and staying positive, I had a hard time with that myself. I am also in the Gulf Coast so please feel free to private message me if you need to chat. I do not post on here so much anymore but am always checking up on how folks are doing.

Bamawife

Thank you! I am doing really, really well!