walkinganewpath

AH came home from 28 days in rehab 8 days ago. I went out last night to a meditation class (short lived peace sadly) and yes when I came home he was drunk. This is his first foray into sobriety and I already know it's not uncommon to relapse. I had a hunch but he did come straight out and tell me without my asking or implying at all.

He's been irritated, impatient, grouchy and tired since he went back to work on Monday. He said not to worry about the drinks, no big deal, if it happens again tomorrow then to worry. Started venting about feeling like he's under a microscope, like everyone is treating him like a child. So I kept my opinions to myself however I did tell him I've been worried about him and if there was anything he needed room to do for himself to let me know. (like go to a meeting???!!! - but I didn't suggest it - not mine) He shakes it all off and acts his usual goofy drunk self, put the kids to bed, etc and then asks me if I want to well ya know...

Ok I'm sorry but really???? It's taking everything I have to work through a bubbling mess of emotions and thoughts and he goes there??

So he took our son to soccer this morning, lost his car keys, it was raining...and thank heavens he left to go for a hike with a buddy and play guitar at his house.

I'm trying to keep my own peace, respect his recovery and find some joy in the day for myself and my kids. I came here for a reminder that I can't fix him and that I have no control so move on with the day.

honeypig

Hmmm--it's great that you are trying to keep your own peace and keep some joy in the day for you and your kids, but I guess I don't get the "respect his recovery" part. Getting drunk isn't generally a part of recovery, so far as I know...

And what is up w/the "don't worry about me getting drunk today but if I do it tomorrow, then worry" thing? Really? A certain amount of drinking constitutes recovery but more than that is NOT? Ummm---a big fat NO.

My A told me stuff like this, too. He had been a secret drinker, and it was extremely difficult for me to tell except for on rare occasions where he "overshot" and was obviously drunk. I'd be drawn in and think he was actually in recovery, since he was going to 5 meetings a week (allegedly, at least). We'd converse about recovery topics, daily readings from AA and Alanon books, etc., and it all seemed so real.

When I found out yet again that he was still drinking while going to meetings and lying to his sponsor (which he admitted when asked), I was so hurt. He said he liked the meetings and the people, but “just didn't get it.” I told him I was especially hurt this particular time as I had thought it was for real this time. He said “well, it IS real!” And I said well, then we have very different definitions of what “real” means. He said "no, just different perspectives." I said, NO, NOT different perspectives—REAL sobriety and REAL recovery mean NOT DRINKING! There is nothing negotiable about that!

So you are definitely right to focus on you and your kids, but your A is NOT in recovery if he is drinking! And regardless of what he may try to tell you, relapses are NOT an automatic feature, built into recovery!

AnvilheadII

so where'd he get the booze? and I presume that the children were home with him at the time? while he got DRUNK?

the sooner out of rehab that one relapses is a strong indication that their claims to recovery are weak at best.

altho yes there is nothing you can do ABOUT his drinking, you can certainly put up boundaries AROUND his drinking. if he's drinking while supposedly in charge of the kids....then he just lost his right to have the kids alone unsupervised. and that goes for putting the kids to bed as well. if you came home and the BABYSITTER WAS DRUNK.....what would you do?

if he does drink again, today seems possible, what are your plans?