GirlfromNC

My husband is in recovery 17 days and he is attending meetings regularly.Noon and night. His moods are quite unbearable right now and we just don't connect anymore.He is very quiet for the most part but often he has bouts of rage where he gets very vocal.He tends to pick arguments. Everyone in the house feels the tension. He goes to his meetings everyday and I'm left with the kids(4 of them) and no meetings. I would love to go to an Al-anon meeting but can't. I'm finding that all the focus is on him and his needs and mine just sort of get thrown to the wayside. I'm really feeling alot of pressure and anxiety and I'm getting no support anywhere. What should my next step be?

smoke gets in my eyes

Hello NC!
Welcome to the recovery forum. You just made your next step, you came here! Even if you can't get to meetings it helps to open up with people who have been where you are. Getting your feelings out is important, and knowing people are listening can be very soothing.

I understand the frustration you are feeling. Things have been all about him in his addiction, and now they are all about his recovery. The unfairness can be overwhelming.

There is a lot of good literature available about codepedency and the 12 steps. You can find a lot of it by using the Hazelden link on this site. This can help you get the focus on you, even if you can't get out to a meeting.

Please always feel free to come here and talk about YOU and how you are feeling. Cry, kvetch, moan, laugh, jeer, cheer... whatever. We DO want to hear it, and we have been where you are.

Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke

Monica71

I found this site about a week ago and find it to be extremely useful. For so long I have tried to "fix" my addict, manage the kids, the house, catch him in the act, and work a full time job. It was rather exhausting to say the least. I have found such peace in these posts. They reminded me of something I forgot a long time ago. I need to be safe, sane, and most of all I deserve happiness. For so long I believed that I would be happy when my addict would finally become sober. Through these internet sites, I have discovered that I am a wounded soul who has become emotionally bankrupt. I decided that I would work on improving MY life so that I could be the fully functioning mother that my children not only need but deserve. Whereas I used to spend all of my time trying to help my husband stay clean and sober, I now realize that it is completely up to him. Just as my happiness is completely up to me. I read the posts from Al-Anon and Nar-Anon. Being so new to all of this I can honestly say that the support I receive at this has been incredibly helpful. It helps to know that you are not alone, there are people who have walked your path many times before and understand the frustration, lonliness, and grief. For the first time in a long time, think about what you need rather than what he needs from you. You can do this!! Looking for information led you here and you are on the right track. I read in one of the posts that it usually takes the spouse about six months of therapy to be emotionally stable enough to make important decisions. That is my timetable. I hope some of what I've said helps. Your post hit home with me. Good luck and lots of love!

GirlfromNC

Thank you for your replies. I'm realizing now that I'm not alone. Whenever I feel like I'm going to just scream, I end up here.I read other posts and I find relief that way.

I have four children and they have truly suffered through this and I know that it isn't over yet. I have suffered too. I know with the help of others I will find peace within myself then I can be the mother that I'm supposed to be. I don't know a whole lot about alcoholism and the recovery but I'm learning more and more with each day that passes.

Once again, thank you for listening.

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blufan60

GirlfromNC,

Welcome! I'm glad to hear your husband is in recovery! Now for you...is there any one at all, a relative or friend, who can watch the children for two hours while you go out to an Al-Anon meeting? Also, many Al-Anon meetings have babysitting, so find out which ones do! I'm not sure about your kids' ages...if older, maybe they could help watch the younger kids at the meeting.

When my A was in rehab many, many years ago, I asked my brother to come to my house and watch my two toddlers. He was young and single and probably might be having more fun out with his friends, but I told him I needed his help and he was willing to give that to me once or twice a week. Sometimes we need to put our pride aside or our shyness or whatever it is and realize that we need to ask others for help. Your husband needs support but so do you, and your needs are cetainly no less than his! If you are determined to find a way to get to meetings, I think your answer will come to you. Let us know how it goes!