AntoinetteP

My AB hasn't spoken to me or my other brother in three years. I stopped reaching out two years ago but every now and then I'll send an email or call his phone just to leave a message. I can't give up on him because we are blood and used to be the closest of siblings. I thought last year, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, the same thing that killed our mom (and caused him to stop communicating because of a true delusion) I thought maybe it would shock him back into my life but no, not a word.

I know it's up to him to get help and all that, but from all the bits and pieces I can fit together from second and third hand news, he's worse than before. We have reason to believe that he's added Meth to the alcohol, so he's also dangerous (in our next to last phone call he threatened to shoot me in the head and has weapons to do the job).

I can't stop loving him and missing him. I still buy him Christmas and birthday presents (he doesn't know, they are piling up in the guest room). I'm waiting for one of three or four possible outcomes, the first three are he dies (he already had four quarts of green stuff drained from his liver), he ends up in a hospital or in jail. The fourth is that he has come to his senses and wants to be a family again.

so, when your addict is a formerly close family member with whom you have no direct contact (i have no idea if he ever read the letters or listened to the phone messages), how to you stay strong and keep waiting?

I'm just weepy today, since the cut-off he moved closer to my home but I don't know if he's there or not, I haven't had any news about him because the one person I know he will talk with has been out of the country for a couple of weeks. I hate that it drives me crazy but it still does.

BunnyNest

I'm so sorry.

Alanon really helped me. Do you have that support?

I cut off contact for quite some time, but when I knew his time was coming to an end, I did send short texts and leave brief messages letting him know that I loved him. He was too far gone to "engage" in any type of argument at that point. It is what I felt comfortable doing after I had been able to detach after that period of no contact.

Take care of you.

AntoinetteP

Thanks. I hate these sudden recurrences of grief. It was easier losing my mom because I know she's really gone, but to know he's still alive out there somewhere and won't even acknowledge I exist is the worst ever.

I forget how to handle the feelings and this time round I figure I just have to live with those uncomfortable feelings while they do their thing the same way the addict has to learn to live with the same angst without picking up.

lillamy

I don't know. But I think this rings very true to me:

My therapist said something similar to me yesterday. She said "how do you expect to deal with your feelings when you don't even dare to feel them?" She also said it takes a lot of energy fighting uncomfortable feelings. That you'll literally need less sleep and have more energy once you dare to let your guard down and feel the pain. Cry for fifteen minutes or hours if you need to.

That's all I've got. And I'm sorry.

NWGRITS

I don't wait. I have zero expectations. Sounds harsh, but it's true. I'll likely never see or talk to my alcoholic mother again, and I'm fine with that. I've been working on myself since I cut off contact over two years ago, and I'm in a good place with it all. She is making her choices, as is her right. I've chosen not to watch, and knowing her, not to wait. For me, that's much easier and healthier.

Stung

This is where I'm at too. I don't expect others to change. What you have today is an alcoholic brother. I have a narcissistic mom and a very sick (alcoholic and enabling) set of in laws. I expect them to keep being sick because that's who they are today and they've shown zero interest in changing. As my therapist says asking them to change or waiting for them to change is like "squeezing blood from a turnip." My options are to either accept them in my life exactly as they are (very sick and abusive) or not. Anything else will just hurt me.

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you, all you can do is pray for him. Ditto Alanon, which taught me a great deal about acceptance and letting go. All I know is the future, everything beyond today, is out of my hands. God bless